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Original poster

unwanted houseguests

654 replies

Cuppachaplz · 07/10/2014 15:08

I know that I am probably going to get slated here, but...

About 3 weeks ago, a friend of mine who is semi-retired and lives abroad for the summer, but returns to the UK in the winter to work, messaged me out of the blue to ask if he and his girlfriend could stay for a couple of days at the end of October while the found somewhere to live as he had secured a job close to me and his daughter who he normally stays with in the winter was planning to get lodgers. I am 28 weeks pregnant (or possibly more depending on which scan you believe), having a horrendous pregnancy with a past history of recurrent miscarriage, and working (writing) from home. He is aware of all this, and said it would be 'just a week, two at the absolute most'. I also explained that i had a house full the last week in October (half term, and planning to see as many friends as possible before arrival of baby), and that I am trying to get the house sorted for the baby in addition to an important work deadline in November, but that a few days was fine.

We don't have a lot of space, so they would be on the sofa be on the dining room. Spare room is tiny, and currently waiting for us to decorate for baby, so no good for 2 people even for a couple of days.

I got a call 9 days ago, saying that he was arriving 2 days later, i.e. a month earlier than stated. I was a bit put out, as I had already explained how much i had to get done, but figured I could crack on after the 'few days'.

He rang again the night before saying he assumed that someone would be in all day. Generally no, as we all work, and too late to get time off, but as I am working from home atm, I could be in. Was just irritated that this was assumed, as normally would be a no, and I have had hospital appts at least twice weekly for the last few weeks.

He arrived with a hire car rammed full of tons of stuff, which he proceeded to dump in our garage (my husband's workshop etc), and my dining room. I have had to fold up and move the dining room table, so we all have to eat off the breakfast bar in the kitchen, with my husband and I standing up. He then moaned that I didn't have a car available as he wanted to take his hire car back and have me give him a lift home. I have never owned a car, and drive very infrequently, so odd request. I asked how he was planning to get to work, to find out that the job had fallen through.

Initially he asked if I wanted them to get any shopping, or do anything. As I had just done a full shop, I suggested that if he wanted to, he could maybe get us a takeaway at the weekend instead, as I felt like crap, and had spent the whole day driving him around looking for things. This got me an earful as he claimed to have no money (why offer to buy groceries then? I wasn't suggesting anything elaborate), so I went to bed early and showed him where I keep leftovers on the freezer, while Dh finished jobs in the kitchen. They got said takeaway anyway and then proceeded to put hot contained directly on top of raw meat in the fridge.

I am massively overheating atm, so had asked if windows could be left open to stop the house turning into a sweatbox. This was ignored, and he now walks around behind me shutting them.

He now has a job, but announced yesterday that it will take 'several weeks' to save any deposit for a house...

He has also asked me if he can claim housing benefits at this address, I suspect totally illegally.

When they are in, I cannot work as TV on v loud, and with them in the dining room and sat watching this in living room, is no space left, so I spend my time upstairs.

I am now thoroughly miserable, spending most days half crying, and can't see a way out. I am 29 weeks pregnant, so appreciate that i am being hormonal and may be over-reacting, and probably only have myself to blame, but I am also desperate to get organised before the baby arrives, and can't believe they would take advantage of me like this.

Sorry for very long, whining post, but unsure how to proceed now.

And now, let the 'you've made your bed...' - bashing commence

TIA

OP posts:
YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 07/10/2014 19:27

Oooh, Pumkins, you're good!

wantstolickwilliamgraham · 07/10/2014 19:28

Oh and contact the Police if they even try to kick off.

Corabell · 07/10/2014 19:28

This belongs on the brass neck thread in classics.

Hope you get rid of them tonight

rumbleinthrjungle · 07/10/2014 19:38

OP you are way, way, way too nice....

As PPs have said, this man is not your friend. You are not his mother. You're pregnant, and having a hard time. Get rid right now!!

No 'you need to be gone by Sunday' - on Sunday he'll have a dozen reasons why it'll have to be Monday - and then Wednesday - and then Friday and so on. You don't have to give reasons until they agree or convince them: they don't need to agree with you! Totally agree to check with the police now what your rights are and also to tell them at the same time you ask them to pack up and leave (united front in the morning), don't give them the time to cause trouble or have the run of the house overnight. If you're feeling you need to change locks at gut level you know this man cannot be trusted. Locks changed as they leave. Totally agree DH needs to get a day's or half day's emergency leave off work, you really could do with just going away until he's got it sorted, this is not good for you at all. Can a mate of DHs come and just be around? His or your sibling(s)? Either of your parents?

And be very definite that the stuff gets collected by a deadline within about 48 hours or it's gone, otherwise you'll be storing that for months too with them having reasons to come back.

Your DH has every reason to go total nutting caveman over his wife and child over this.

FruitbatAuntie · 07/10/2014 19:44

When I rang the police to have our unwanted guest removed, I wasn't even sure they could do anything as he had been invited in the first place, and I really felt stupid and like it was overkill. But they were wonderful, two officers arrived within ten minutes and told me of course I was within my rights to ask anyone to leave my home if I so wish (all while he ranted and tried to tell them he lived there, it was his home too now so they couldn't kick him out - the cheek!)

I rang them to basically prevent my DP from going 'total nutting caveman' as I could see it was about to happen any second!

areyoubeingserviced · 07/10/2014 19:46

OP, I have had a similar experience , except I wasn't pregnant.

My dh kicked his so called ' friend'
out of our home.
Get them out today.
Forget about excuses. Tell him to go

Patilla · 07/10/2014 19:52

You need to act to minimise your stress in order to protect your baby.

Would you put the feelings off a self entitled freeloader over your baby?

How would you feel if something happened in your pregnancy and you were left wondering whether avoiding the stress would have avoided the problems.

You're not being horrible or mean, you're just enforcing what you agreed to.

On a lighter note I can offer a six year old who can talk constantly without stopping for breath and without the inconvenience of listening to anyone else. He could probability drive them out al by himself but if you need the big guns I can offer a nocturnal 18 month old to seal the deal at night times I'd give it 24 hours max before they beg to leave!

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2014 19:53

Fruit bat the brass neck of some, I am Shock

skylark2 · 07/10/2014 19:55

I would wait until your DH gets home so he can tell them to leave. If you're not a confrontational type, you can do without that stress.

I'd recommend DH stays home tomorrow until they are gone (this is an emergency, his work will have to cope). He needs to be clear that they are leaving first thing. They will be putting their belongings on the drive after breakfast. (Don't you do it, you need to take it easy.)

Yes you made a mistake in saying yes in the first place, but you're a nice person, it's a nice person's mistake. Don't beat yourself up about it, and absolutely don't feel like you have to carry on with it just because you didn't say no from the start.

Hoping to see a post from you tomorrow saying he's gone.

cheerupandhaveaglassofwine · 07/10/2014 20:07

Personally I would be kicking them out tonight and getting an emergency locksmith out to change your locks

You don't need the stress or hassle of a scrounging freeloader, let them find a hotel, collect the rest in a day or so and be done with it

And if you need another volunteer to help physically throw them out if they don't go add me to the list as well

And above all else look after yourself

scratchandsniff · 07/10/2014 20:11

This friendship is not worth hanging on to - you and your DH need to tell him to be out by the weekend. If he throws a hissy fit and never talks to you again then so be it. If he's a true friend he should understand.

flamingtoaster · 07/10/2014 20:12

Your health and the health of your baby must come first. I hope your DH can persuade them to leave in a civilized way but if he can't then you have had some good advice about other methods. Good luck in getting rid of them and I hope you can feel much calmer soon.

ColdCottage · 07/10/2014 20:17

I'd give them 2 days to find a B&B or cheap out of season holiday let and have them leave. Just explain that the doctor has said it is causing you too much stress which is dangerous for you and baby.

Get them out. You need to take care of you and baby.

FannyBlott · 07/10/2014 20:21

OP you are far too nice! He clearly doesn't give a shit about you! I hope you tell him to fuck off tonight. Where they stay is not your problem. Call the police if you have to.
Even if you weren't pregnant this situation would be intolerable, the fact that you are makes it even worse. Don't put this freeloading wank stain above you and your baby.
These people are no friends of yours. I'm Shock that such peope even exist!

AndHarry · 07/10/2014 20:24

He is not your friend. You are being used and manipulated by a selfish, horrible man who might once have been your friend. You owe him nothing.

Tell him/them they need to leave by Saturday morning, with all their stuff. Do not offer or agree to store their things, or have them for a few more days.

Once they are gone, change the locks.

If they leave anything behind, pile it up outside at the front. If it's not gone within 24 hours, bin it.

If they refuse to leave, call the police.

LemonBreeland · 07/10/2014 20:25

Crikey! I really hope you and your DH get this pair out tonight. There is going to be no reasoning with people who act like this, so you may as well just get it over with.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 07/10/2014 20:30

What everyone else said! They sound awful

Have some Brew and Cake in the meantime to combat your stress levels.

duhgldiuhfdsli · 07/10/2014 20:33

I'd give them 2 days to find a B&B

Why? Unless the OP lives in the middle of nowhere, there will be an infinite number of hotels with rooms available right now. Finding a hotel does not take more than a few minutes.

Selinemaratima · 07/10/2014 20:40

How are you getting on OP? I so hope you're having a long soak or eating something nice with DH at your dining table in peace? Sooo hope those leeches are gone? Big hugs Hun xxx

BakerStreetSaxRift · 07/10/2014 20:51

Just be strong, you have been more than fair. They are taking the piss, hoping you'retoo polite to say and they can sponge off you.

ImperialBlether · 07/10/2014 21:06

You can do whatever you like now; surely you don't want to stay friends with him?

ohtheholidays · 07/10/2014 21:09

I really hope you have gotten them out OP.They sound unhinged!!

Who invites themselves to stay for several weeks,tells they're host of,offers no money or help,gets keys cut,leaves the door open and keys on the floor.

They sound like Psychopath's and I would not want them anywhere near any child of mine!

I read two posts of your thread to my oldest DS18 and he's now really worried about you and your unborn child,himself and DH would be willing to help you evict your unwanted house guests.

YouTheCat · 07/10/2014 21:33

Have they gone yet?

milkpudding · 07/10/2014 21:33

I hope you have got rid of them.

You will need to be completely uncompromising, if you give an inch they will take a mile etc. Please don't give them a few days, find hotels for them etc- if they see a weakness I think they will try to exploit your goodwill further. You and your DH need to put your pregnancy first.

AMumInScotland · 07/10/2014 21:36

I don't want to stress you more than you undoubtedly already are, but you have to face the fact that this is not normal behaviour on their part, and you have to consider how they would react if you gave them an ultimatum, like "You have until Friday".

These people believe they have the right to move into your house, live there without contributing anything, make you feel stressed and nervous, and even get their own copies of your keys cut, as well as completely ignoring your safety by leaving the door open and the keys lying on the path.

What do you think people with this degree of entitlement are going to do if you give them time to plan?

I suspect their next move would be to hire a van and remove your valuables, then leave the doors and windows open as they go... and if they're feeling really vindictive, quite probably trash yur house at the same time.

You need to get them out, and change the locks. They do not need or deserve any help with their lack of housing. They are the equivalent of squatters, they just have the cheek to do it in a house that is already occupied.