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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

unwanted houseguests

654 replies

Cuppachaplz · 07/10/2014 15:08

I know that I am probably going to get slated here, but...

About 3 weeks ago, a friend of mine who is semi-retired and lives abroad for the summer, but returns to the UK in the winter to work, messaged me out of the blue to ask if he and his girlfriend could stay for a couple of days at the end of October while the found somewhere to live as he had secured a job close to me and his daughter who he normally stays with in the winter was planning to get lodgers. I am 28 weeks pregnant (or possibly more depending on which scan you believe), having a horrendous pregnancy with a past history of recurrent miscarriage, and working (writing) from home. He is aware of all this, and said it would be 'just a week, two at the absolute most'. I also explained that i had a house full the last week in October (half term, and planning to see as many friends as possible before arrival of baby), and that I am trying to get the house sorted for the baby in addition to an important work deadline in November, but that a few days was fine.

We don't have a lot of space, so they would be on the sofa be on the dining room. Spare room is tiny, and currently waiting for us to decorate for baby, so no good for 2 people even for a couple of days.

I got a call 9 days ago, saying that he was arriving 2 days later, i.e. a month earlier than stated. I was a bit put out, as I had already explained how much i had to get done, but figured I could crack on after the 'few days'.

He rang again the night before saying he assumed that someone would be in all day. Generally no, as we all work, and too late to get time off, but as I am working from home atm, I could be in. Was just irritated that this was assumed, as normally would be a no, and I have had hospital appts at least twice weekly for the last few weeks.

He arrived with a hire car rammed full of tons of stuff, which he proceeded to dump in our garage (my husband's workshop etc), and my dining room. I have had to fold up and move the dining room table, so we all have to eat off the breakfast bar in the kitchen, with my husband and I standing up. He then moaned that I didn't have a car available as he wanted to take his hire car back and have me give him a lift home. I have never owned a car, and drive very infrequently, so odd request. I asked how he was planning to get to work, to find out that the job had fallen through.

Initially he asked if I wanted them to get any shopping, or do anything. As I had just done a full shop, I suggested that if he wanted to, he could maybe get us a takeaway at the weekend instead, as I felt like crap, and had spent the whole day driving him around looking for things. This got me an earful as he claimed to have no money (why offer to buy groceries then? I wasn't suggesting anything elaborate), so I went to bed early and showed him where I keep leftovers on the freezer, while Dh finished jobs in the kitchen. They got said takeaway anyway and then proceeded to put hot contained directly on top of raw meat in the fridge.

I am massively overheating atm, so had asked if windows could be left open to stop the house turning into a sweatbox. This was ignored, and he now walks around behind me shutting them.

He now has a job, but announced yesterday that it will take 'several weeks' to save any deposit for a house...

He has also asked me if he can claim housing benefits at this address, I suspect totally illegally.

When they are in, I cannot work as TV on v loud, and with them in the dining room and sat watching this in living room, is no space left, so I spend my time upstairs.

I am now thoroughly miserable, spending most days half crying, and can't see a way out. I am 29 weeks pregnant, so appreciate that i am being hormonal and may be over-reacting, and probably only have myself to blame, but I am also desperate to get organised before the baby arrives, and can't believe they would take advantage of me like this.

Sorry for very long, whining post, but unsure how to proceed now.

And now, let the 'you've made your bed...' - bashing commence

TIA

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 09/10/2014 17:31

"Unbelievable "foot through the door"!!!! She should have come & bloody got him!!!"

He isn't his daughter's responsibility, though - he's an adult man (and am sure daughter will be horrified at what he's done)

listsandbudgets · 09/10/2014 17:31

OMG. OP that's utterly appalling. I am so sorry this person thinks he can treat you like this. I am so glad that the police came and dealt with him.

He didn't have a thought for you or your baby. He must have guessed you were frightened. Why on earth didn't he call out something like "don't worry its only Fred sorry if I frightened you" No instead he rattled the door and let you experience absolute horror and fear when he already knew you'd recently been attacked in your own home.

I'm so glad you're home and safe now.

The best part of your last post is you refer to him as your ex-friend. The way he's behaved he does not deserve anybody's friendship.

I am absolutely fuming on your behalf. MY heart rate is up and its nothing to do with me. I feel like I want 5 minutes in a room alone with him and a sledge hammer.

Rest. Enjoy your take away.. Have a warm bath. Get some sleep.

Nancy66 · 09/10/2014 17:32

this is reminding me of that move with Michael Keaton - Pacific Heights about a psycho tenant

Hissy · 09/10/2014 17:32

oh my darling , you poor thing! hope you are ok now!

Selinemaratima · 09/10/2014 17:33

Sorry it's a Squinch Smile too shocked to type! X

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 09/10/2014 17:34

Well, I didn't see that coming, but what a way to catch homself out! Glad that you and the baby are alright. Hope your friend (the daughter) is fully updated and won't be letting her father doorstep her after this.

Selinemaratima · 09/10/2014 17:36

screw it's not about whose responsibility he is. He's her father and his daughter should have helped her old pal Op out considering he is stating there on the strength of their friendship. It's not about responsibility it's about common decency; which is what is essentially the core of this whole problem Op has had to put up with!

Selinemaratima · 09/10/2014 17:36

*staying

LemonBreeland · 09/10/2014 17:37

It is hard to believe that people like this exist, when you are a normal humam being.

OP I am so sorry that a supposed friend put you through this. I hope this is an end to it now. Although do you still have stuff in your garage.

YonicScrewdriver · 09/10/2014 17:40

Sure, but his DD is hundreds of miles away and when OP spoke to her, it seemed ex friend had "gone quietly" and was actually on his way to his DD, perhaps after a couple of days in a local B&B.

I doubt anyone saw the unauthorised re entry coming!

DadDadDad · 09/10/2014 17:41

Nancy - it's not quite as bad as Pacific Heights. That's a good film by the way, with a satisfying getting revenge at the end, if I recall. One scene I do remember is where the psycho tenant calls the police, and before they arrive provokes an argument with the innocent couple who are his landlords. He's timed it so that the police turn up just as the landlord gets violent (in response to the tenant's threats) and the landlord is treated as the psycho not the tenant.

Sabrinnnnnnnna · 09/10/2014 17:42

That's funny Nancy - I nearly posted yesterday that he would change the locks himself, or be breeding cockroaches in the dining room - a la Pacific Heights - but didn't want to frighten OP!

Hopefully it's all over for you now, OP. But bloody hell - he has behaved outrageously - who the hell climbs through a window like that, when they've been asked to leave?? He must be unhinged.

ChasedByBees · 09/10/2014 17:44

Bastard! How dare he?!

ChasedByBees · 09/10/2014 17:45

After this, don't store his stuff. Get it out - leave it in the rain in the front garden. Don't had anything more to do with him. So angry for you OP.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 09/10/2014 17:46

Seline, as I read it, cuppa hadn't asked for his daughter's help, but he was going back to hers for 'a couple of weeks while cuppa dealt with 'pregnancy issues' and had told her they were then going back to live with cuppa! So his daughter was just checking the facts before letting him get a foot in the door and stay with her. At that point, he had left cuppa's place, so there was no reason for her to go and fetch him. (Even if he were still there, it wouldnt help.matters if she were to try to do that, it's an odd reaction.)

MummyBeerest · 09/10/2014 17:50

OMG. I legitimately got chills.

Glad you're alright. What a prick!

Cuppachaplz · 09/10/2014 17:51

I think dd was asking me, as she wouldn't gave him to stay if he was not going to be gone by the time her new housemates moved in, so knowing this he gad lied to her. She presumably suspected as much, so was checking what I had said to him. Felt no guilt telling her he wasn't coming back here, so suspect he'll be in a hotel up there too...

I have no idea what they were doing back. Stealing? Trashing things?
They seemed to be just sat around chatting when police arrived. I gave heard the report now, and they told them that they had been in all morning (obviously I told them thus was not true), then the story changed to that they had used the key I gave them to get in ( as I said they appeared to have had an extra cut, but i was in, with keys in the lock) the police told me that if I have given then a key, it is difficult to prove forced entry; they seem to know the law too. However, they took the second key off them, pointed out that now there is no doubt as to whether they are welcome, and told them nit to approach the property for their stuff until DH is here to hand it over.
Locks now changed, just need to calm down. At any other time, I would be reaching for a very large Wine

OP posts:
MyOneandYoni · 09/10/2014 17:53

Take care of yourself.
Please let the friend (daughter) know what happened (perhaps formally by letter or email). THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR.
Look after yourself and the baby and maybe now see about getting a restraining order??? (ignorant of the legalities of this).
He isn't working within the realms of normal civilised behaviour (scaring a heavily pregnant woman in her own home) so please please take more advice from the police, especially with regards to his stuff.

Zucker · 09/10/2014 17:59

Wow he sounds unhinged! Presumably he hasn't always been like this?

Cuppachaplz · 09/10/2014 18:03

The reason I mentioned his dd was a) to point out that his behaviour appeared unsurprising to her, and b) that I wondered if she had told him where to go, so he gad come back to exact revenge / deliberately frighten me knowing I am nervous when home alone/ mangle my stuff or whatever. Either way, total over-reaction (maybe, maybe not) on my part has meant that this rather but him on the arse, and drew a very firm line under things.

Just worried now that I might get in trouble for ringing 999 because a houseguest was in the house ( his side of the story, obviously) I did point out that I had asked them to leave, thought they only had 1 key, which I had taken back, and anyway had asked them not to cone in the house when I without letting me know/ knocking as I am very nervous when home alone.

OP posts:
PeoniesforMissAnnersley · 09/10/2014 18:08

You won't get in trouble cuppa you should see the reasons people call 999! Including "my wife won't make me dinner and I am hungry" they sent you to hospital and could see you were genuinely terrified. Try not to worry ??Flowers

Jill2015 · 09/10/2014 18:12

Don't be worrying, my dear. Try to rest and relax, you need to put yourself and your baby first, and put that weirdo out of your mind, as best you can.

MyOneandYoni · 09/10/2014 18:14

Please don't hesitate to call the police. From what I have learnt from Mumsnet, I expect the Police are very used to a load of seemingly charming men calming giving their side of the story, which is completely different from the woman's. They are usually ex-husbands though, not brass necked houseguest ex-friends...

Sabrinnnnnnnna · 09/10/2014 18:15

God, they really were planning on squatting in your house then! I'm honestly shocked people behave like this. He must be a sociopath.

PoppyField · 09/10/2014 18:17

You are not going to get into trouble for ringing 999! That's the least of it.

Blimey - I wish they'd arrested him and put him on a charge. This is not just cheek. I think what he did was criminal - the police may not think they can prove it but WE KNOW. Don't think twice about ringing the cops - that is what they are there for.

Hope all goes well for you now.

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