Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

unwanted houseguests

654 replies

Cuppachaplz · 07/10/2014 15:08

I know that I am probably going to get slated here, but...

About 3 weeks ago, a friend of mine who is semi-retired and lives abroad for the summer, but returns to the UK in the winter to work, messaged me out of the blue to ask if he and his girlfriend could stay for a couple of days at the end of October while the found somewhere to live as he had secured a job close to me and his daughter who he normally stays with in the winter was planning to get lodgers. I am 28 weeks pregnant (or possibly more depending on which scan you believe), having a horrendous pregnancy with a past history of recurrent miscarriage, and working (writing) from home. He is aware of all this, and said it would be 'just a week, two at the absolute most'. I also explained that i had a house full the last week in October (half term, and planning to see as many friends as possible before arrival of baby), and that I am trying to get the house sorted for the baby in addition to an important work deadline in November, but that a few days was fine.

We don't have a lot of space, so they would be on the sofa be on the dining room. Spare room is tiny, and currently waiting for us to decorate for baby, so no good for 2 people even for a couple of days.

I got a call 9 days ago, saying that he was arriving 2 days later, i.e. a month earlier than stated. I was a bit put out, as I had already explained how much i had to get done, but figured I could crack on after the 'few days'.

He rang again the night before saying he assumed that someone would be in all day. Generally no, as we all work, and too late to get time off, but as I am working from home atm, I could be in. Was just irritated that this was assumed, as normally would be a no, and I have had hospital appts at least twice weekly for the last few weeks.

He arrived with a hire car rammed full of tons of stuff, which he proceeded to dump in our garage (my husband's workshop etc), and my dining room. I have had to fold up and move the dining room table, so we all have to eat off the breakfast bar in the kitchen, with my husband and I standing up. He then moaned that I didn't have a car available as he wanted to take his hire car back and have me give him a lift home. I have never owned a car, and drive very infrequently, so odd request. I asked how he was planning to get to work, to find out that the job had fallen through.

Initially he asked if I wanted them to get any shopping, or do anything. As I had just done a full shop, I suggested that if he wanted to, he could maybe get us a takeaway at the weekend instead, as I felt like crap, and had spent the whole day driving him around looking for things. This got me an earful as he claimed to have no money (why offer to buy groceries then? I wasn't suggesting anything elaborate), so I went to bed early and showed him where I keep leftovers on the freezer, while Dh finished jobs in the kitchen. They got said takeaway anyway and then proceeded to put hot contained directly on top of raw meat in the fridge.

I am massively overheating atm, so had asked if windows could be left open to stop the house turning into a sweatbox. This was ignored, and he now walks around behind me shutting them.

He now has a job, but announced yesterday that it will take 'several weeks' to save any deposit for a house...

He has also asked me if he can claim housing benefits at this address, I suspect totally illegally.

When they are in, I cannot work as TV on v loud, and with them in the dining room and sat watching this in living room, is no space left, so I spend my time upstairs.

I am now thoroughly miserable, spending most days half crying, and can't see a way out. I am 29 weeks pregnant, so appreciate that i am being hormonal and may be over-reacting, and probably only have myself to blame, but I am also desperate to get organised before the baby arrives, and can't believe they would take advantage of me like this.

Sorry for very long, whining post, but unsure how to proceed now.

And now, let the 'you've made your bed...' - bashing commence

TIA

OP posts:
NormaStanleyFletcher · 08/10/2014 16:42

What time will your DH be home tonight OP?

I second what loads of other posters have said - if at all possible I would have them out tonight, not let them stay until the weekend.

Chandon · 08/10/2014 16:45

kick them out, kick them out.

The friendship is rubbish anyway, as he clearly does not care about your wellbeing, just using you.

Some people are like this.

be firm, get them out.

bloody chancers!

Whocansay · 08/10/2014 16:53

The 'viewings on Saturday' sounds like a delaying tactic to me. Get them out as soon as humanly possible. Look after yourself.

angelos02 · 08/10/2014 17:00

Good luck OP. Get them out tonight. Do not accept any excuses from them. They have already out-stayed their welcome.

PeoniesforMissAnnersley · 08/10/2014 17:01

Oh my goodness you are a saint for having put up with them so long. DH needs to kiwi them out tonight - viewing on Saturday means nothing, they'll probably say they didn't like it or something. B and B time for them!

Charitybelle · 08/10/2014 17:11

'kiwi them out tonight
Is this a special NZ way of kicking people out peonies Grin

WhistlingPot · 08/10/2014 17:12

Agree you have every right to ask them to go now. The going to bed at 8:30 when you'd asked to speak to them is one of the stinkiest parts of this - so rude!

I'd like to think I'd have had the conversation through the door anyway!

Can you go to a friends, while your husband "deals" with them? I don't think you need to be there at all.

PumpkinsMummy · 08/10/2014 17:14

Oh op, I do feel for you. Here's hoping they go swiftly with no fuss when DH gets home. They definitely won't be leaving for weeks if they are viewing places from the weekend and expect to move in from your place.

Cuppachaplz · 08/10/2014 17:20

Thanks again all,

I wasn't suggesting waiting until the weekend, merely saying that DH ad said they were getting organised.

Was planning on having conversation tonight, as I would like DH to at least be around. Also friend now has a job, and will not be back until then either...
His GF has gone out and returned with some bread and milk and offered to vacuum (I was working at the time, so bit of a no-go) so maybe they did have chat yesterday. I was in a stinking mood when she got back, and just made the comment, of 'I'll put those with your other things', so presumably they are pre-warned. Was planning to get DS in bed, or at least the bath if they look like sloping off early again, before sitting him down for a conversation. To be fair, I feel that twitchy now, that it will not take much for me to call the police. I still feel like I'm being a cow, but at the same time, I'm not prepared to do anything other than put my baby and my family first.

Locks on standby, mainly because I would rather sort these after they have gone so they get no pre-warning. I have gathered up all other keys to the other doors in anticipation, and can't see what else I can do before DH gets home.

My next-door neighbour is elderly, and our families are not local, so we are a bit stuffed in terms of local support, and I would feel deeply uncomfortable touching someone else's things as I know how much it would creep me out if anyone moved my stuff around. For this reason, I was going to ask them to move it into the garage and come back for it at the weekend, when DH is at home too.

Will update later

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 08/10/2014 17:21

"The going to bed at 8:30 when you'd asked to speak to them is one of the stinkiest parts of this - so rude!"

Totally agree, incredibly rude. If they do that again I would actually go in, switch the light on, and tell them they will need to get up.

avocadotoast · 08/10/2014 17:24

You're not being a cow at all, you need to get them out! Good luck in giving them the boot.

(Also, I know someone else mentioned about checking your credit file to make sure they haven't used your address. That wouldn't actually show you anything unless they've applied for anything in your name, as credit files are done on an individual basis. And they take a good 4-6 weeks to be updated anyway.)

LeftRightCentre · 08/10/2014 17:30

Your jessie of a husband needs kicked into touch.

Sabrinnnnnnnna · 08/10/2014 17:31

The "viewing flats on saturday" doesn't tally with the "can I claim housing benefit at this address" though, does it?

Just tell that them that due to your health, and the health of the baby, it is impossible for them to stay any longer.

Our houseguests stayed for months. And I mean months - they did start to pay us rent, we had plenty of room, and I wasn't suffering from pregnancy complications... so a bit easier for us - but it was still a nightmare, because they were really inconsiderate to us, and each other (their rows were something to behold!). We had considered them good friends before this.

I really feel for you OP. Take it easy, try not to stress - you and your dh just need to be a firm and united front.

Zucker · 08/10/2014 17:32

Nope, no one on this earth is going to call you a bitch after this pair are given their marching orders.

Good luck for later on!

Cuppachaplz · 08/10/2014 17:34

Why weeks incidentally?
When DSS moved out, he found somewhere on the Saturday, and moved in Monday morning.
I rented for 6 months when I first moved here 3 years ago, whilst looking for a house to buy. I was offered a job with a start date 2 weeks later; DS and I viewed 10 properties the following day, picked one, paid the deposit and moved in 10 days later, when we needed to be there. This was why I had assumed that the original 'few days', which when pushed for what this meant when I pointed out then that I was not in a position for long-term guests, was 'a week, two at the absolute most', was workable prospect.
Rooms in shared houses are even easier to move into at short notice, and presumable cheaper and more long-term than a B&B.
I have given them several local papers/property pages etc since arrival, so no excuse really.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2014 17:34

No your not being a cow, they are vile, they need going now!

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/10/2014 17:35

"if they look like sloping off early again"
If they try that stunt again, I hope you and your husband just knock on the bedroom door and get them out of bed! It really is just a delaying tactic, do NOT allow them to use it again. (They probably weren't even in bed, just lying on it reading and not talking.)

I'm another that thinks you should throw them out tonight. They can go to a b&b, Premier Inn or some such.

Stewedcoot · 08/10/2014 17:36

Good luck OP, but you have to just tell them directly to go before contemplating calling the police. Otherwise, they could turn around and play dumb and say "well they didn't ask us to leave; we didn't understand that we were no longer welcome, they only had to ask etc etc."

If they don't agree to leave on your terms, write down precisely what you have asked them, deliver it to them, keep a copy yourself and then notify the constabulary!

Good luck!

WhistlingPot · 08/10/2014 17:41

You are NOT a cow!

Good luck op, you can do this with the utmost calm and assertiveness. We're all here egging you on!

Cuppachaplz · 08/10/2014 17:47

TBH, I don't need any excuses. I have perfectly valid reasons, which incidentally were all the reasons which I gave that they couldn't stay for more than a few days before they came.
I am having a difficult pregnancy, they were aware of this beforehand, and still chose to do this.
I have been in and out of hospital, and have had premature labour threatened, and have consequently been told to keep stress levels down. This is why I am working from home, and they were aware of this from day 1 also.
In addition, should anything happen meaning that require hospitalising again, I would need the sofa bed for afore mentioned distant family to come and help with DS.
DH is not being wet, it's only the last day or so that I have become really bothered by this, talked to him about laying down an ultimatum together, which they managed to avoid last night. Previous polite inquiries/hints had got us nowhere. As has been pointed out, this has meant that they are left with no notice, whereas if they had spoken to us last night...

OP posts:
TeaForTara · 08/10/2014 17:51

Good luck, OP, hope it goes well this evening and they leave quietly without giving you any more stress.

LeftRightCentre · 08/10/2014 17:52

They didn't avoid last night, your husband did. He could easily have turfed them out last night at 8.30.

They need to go. No 'conversation', no waiting around, no till the weekend. You tell your husband he tells them to go now.

You don't need excuses, sorry, unfortunately or anything other than, 'You are leaving now. This doesn't work for us. Out you go.'

MorrisZapp · 08/10/2014 17:56

I'm struggling with the DH role in this too. If somebody treated me like that (and if I was as vulnerable as you OP) my DP wouldn't dream of saying 'oh well, they're in bed now. Nothing can be done. You'll have to wait another day in this hell imposed upon you by an utter wanker'.

It all reads oddly to me.

tigermoll · 08/10/2014 17:57

Shameless place marking. I am cheering you on, Op - I understand exactly how you feel, and think you are handling this very well and assertively. I would probably have ended up in the same situation - too nice for my own good!

babykonitsway · 08/10/2014 18:02

If I were you:

Tell them they are out. Let them stay tonight and book a hotel/b&q/guest house for them for the next two nights and tell them to sort it out from there. Not ideal having to take some cost but it will be worth it. If they don't leave call the police for trespassing. Do not let them store anything at your house, cut all ties.

Have absolutely NO sympathy. They are a pair of arses.

If, God forbid something happened to you or the baby, you do not want any reason to think if 'I did this' or 'if I didn't do this' ....... Too painful.

Be strong, boot them out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread