unwanted houseguests

[Cuppachaplz]

I know that I am probably going to get slated here, but...

About 3 weeks ago, a friend of mine who is semi-retired and lives abroad for the summer, but returns to the UK in the winter to work, messaged me out of the blue to ask if he and his girlfriend could stay for a couple of days at the end of October while the found somewhere to live as he had secured a job close to me and his daughter who he normally stays with in the winter was planning to get lodgers. I am 28 weeks pregnant (or possibly more depending on which scan you believe), having a horrendous pregnancy with a past history of recurrent miscarriage, and working (writing) from home. He is aware of all this, and said it would be 'just a week, two at the absolute most'. I also explained that i had a house full the last week in October (half term, and planning to see as many friends as possible before arrival of baby), and that I am trying to get the house sorted for the baby in addition to an important work deadline in November, but that a few days was fine.

We don't have a lot of space, so they would be on the sofa be on the dining room. Spare room is tiny, and currently waiting for us to decorate for baby, so no good for 2 people even for a couple of days.

I got a call 9 days ago, saying that he was arriving 2 days later, i.e. a month earlier than stated. I was a bit put out, as I had already explained how much i had to get done, but figured I could crack on after the 'few days'.

He rang again the night before saying he assumed that someone would be in all day. Generally no, as we all work, and too late to get time off, but as I am working from home atm, I could be in. Was just irritated that this was assumed, as normally would be a no, and I have had hospital appts at least twice weekly for the last few weeks.

He arrived with a hire car rammed full of tons of stuff, which he proceeded to dump in our garage (my husband's workshop etc), and my dining room. I have had to fold up and move the dining room table, so we all have to eat off the breakfast bar in the kitchen, with my husband and I standing up. He then moaned that I didn't have a car available as he wanted to take his hire car back and have me give him a lift home. I have never owned a car, and drive very infrequently, so odd request. I asked how he was planning to get to work, to find out that the job had fallen through.

Initially he asked if I wanted them to get any shopping, or do anything. As I had just done a full shop, I suggested that if he wanted to, he could maybe get us a takeaway at the weekend instead, as I felt like crap, and had spent the whole day driving him around looking for things. This got me an earful as he claimed to have no money (why offer to buy groceries then? I wasn't suggesting anything elaborate), so I went to bed early and showed him where I keep leftovers on the freezer, while Dh finished jobs in the kitchen. They got said takeaway anyway and then proceeded to put hot contained directly on top of raw meat in the fridge.

I am massively overheating atm, so had asked if windows could be left open to stop the house turning into a sweatbox. This was ignored, and he now walks around behind me shutting them.

He now has a job, but announced yesterday that it will take 'several weeks' to save any deposit for a house...

He has also asked me if he can claim housing benefits at this address, I suspect totally illegally.

When they are in, I cannot work as TV on v loud, and with them in the dining room and sat watching this in living room, is no space left, so I spend my time upstairs.

I am now thoroughly miserable, spending most days half crying, and can't see a way out. I am 29 weeks pregnant, so appreciate that i am being hormonal and may be over-reacting, and probably only have myself to blame, but I am also desperate to get organised before the baby arrives, and can't believe they would take advantage of me like this.

Sorry for very long, whining post, but unsure how to proceed now.

And now, let the 'you've made your bed...' - bashing commence

TIA

Meant copying keys doh!

Yes police is a good idea!

I dident know you had such a complicated pregnancy, all tge more for dh to turf them out now! No you don't need this stress, it could be harmful. All the more for dh to act tonight, dies not matter if tgey 'go to bed early' , your dh should open the door and tell them to get out!

OP, please DO NOT let them stay until the weekend. I'd bet that whatever place he looks at will be unsuitable and he'd need time to carry on looking. Or he will find a suitable place but there will be a delay with him moving in. This guy is going NOWHERE soon unless your husband tells him to go, and to go immediately. Here is a sentence "we're glad to have helped you for x number of days. This arrangement no longer suits us for various reasons and you will need to find somewhere else to stay until you find your own flat. I can drop you off at a B&B tonight if you don't have anyone else to stay with". Don't engage in any begging, pleading, recriminations, etc. Be firm and say nothing else. Saying anything else would be engaging him and would only lead to him not going immediately and you would be in the same position as now but worse because there would be a more awful atmosphere.
It will be really awkward but once they're gone you will feel so much better. Rather an hour of awkwardness tonight than weeks and weeks of hell. Because, trust me, if he doesn't go tonight, he'll be there for weeks to come. And he won't thank you for it. I don't know this guy from a bar of soap but he makes our blood boil.
I am so looking forward to your update tonight to tell us he's gone!

Definitely giraffe, it is obvious they are going nowhere, as they cut Keys and they are going to be claiming housing benefit. Does not sound like the actions of people staying a few days. Per chance I doubt that tgey would give you any of the housing benefit. Yes give em an inch, they will take a mile!

The thing is OP, viewings are just that - viewings. They arent going to see simewhere on Saturday and get the keys there and then.

Exactly they are only viewings, no no no tgey need to go now!

I think you would be being most generous to permit these freeloading members of the twat brigade to stay until the weekend.

Sorry to hear it is making a stressful pregnancy worse.

Hope the chat goes well this evening - remember to stick to your guns and force them to move out though, or they'll know they can continue to walk all over you as long as they want to.

Given their actions so far, I would be concerned that giving them notice of any sort, even 24 hours, would leave you (or more likely your property) vulnerable to abuse of some sort. I would (get your DH to) give them notice this evening that they have to be out of the house tonight or before your DH leaves for work tomorrow (which given a 5:30 start time, probably isn't realistic, so tonight). Can your DC(s) go to someone's for the evening? You don't have to wait on them - you can be sneaky if necessary. Get DH to take them to the pub and explain there. Change the lock while they are out and pack up their stuff, which can be waiting on the step when they get back.

Really, their behaviour is outrageous and I don't think it's wise to have them around after you've told the to leave.

Dear lord, the absolute cheek of some people! I have had my experiences with freeloaders but this has to be the worst example ever. Unbelievable.

I agree with others OP - do not give these people any leeway whatsoever because if you give any space at all, they will take a mile. I have loads of sympathy for how difficult this is for you - it feels all wrong when you're a nice, kind, thoughtful person and you have to be blunt and direct with people who you thought were friends. But you have to turn all of that kindness and consideration round to yourself and your family now. You just cannot put up with this any longer.

No reasonable person in their right mind will think you are a bitch for doing this. Their behaviour has been absolutely disgraceful. Get them out - what they do next is absolutely not your problem. Good luck.

Wow! Good luck OP!

Viewings on Saturday are of no earthly use to you, and no reason for you to wait.

Even if they are acting in good faith, like the place, make an immediate offer and have it accepted, they still won't be moving for a minimum of 3 more weeks by the time all the contracts, references, credit checks etc. are done.

And that's if they really are acting in good faith, which on the evidence so far they won't be. So they'll see a place on Saturday. Call the agent with an offer on Monday. Spend a fortnight negotiating terms. Then another 6 weeks on paperwork. Then they tell you that the previous tenant isn't moving out until the end of the following month and the landlord needs to decorate before they move in...

I hope you and DH manage to get it sorted this evening. The brass neck of them is shocking.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. You have every right to ask them to go, and you should! Your baby and your health takes priority. The good news is that the resulting fallout from their rudeness means you will never have to see them again.

Get you OH at your side and do it tonight. They can find a hotel within a few minutes. Bound to be a travel lodge near you.

Congratulations on the baby and I hope the rest of your pregnancy will be restful and trouble free!

I cannot believe you are still hanging round waiting to have a 'conversation'. Why on Earth is your husband such a wet lettuce? Change the locks right now, the only 'conversation' that needs happen is an order,'You are leaving NOW, either voluntary or not.' You reap what you sow, and what your sowing now is a mug tree.

I'm another one that thinks waiting till theweekend is a bad idea and thinks you should het rid of them tonight. Tell them that you had wanted to give them some warning yesterday but as they went to bed so early when you had asked them to talk that unfortinately now you just need them to leave immediately.

Tell them that it is causing you stress which is risking your pregnancy which "as a friend you're sure they would want to do everything to avoid that".

This can only get worse and worse and you know that there is no friendship agter this anyway so why put yourself and baby through anymore stress when you don't need to.

I feel so sorry for you in this position. But you may have a stressful hour tonight but can then relax, rather than ongoing stress for however long.

As above, a viewing on Saturday means nothing. They have been so awful to you. In your own home. While you're pregnant. I wish I could come round and remove him myself.

I agree left right, that should have happened yesterday. I do hope for your sakes your dh us going to be strong and assertive, not turn I to a wet blanket at crucial moment.

To be honest, from what the OP has described - feeling nervous, possibly threatened about them returning later, it would seem to be reason enough to call the police. NOW. If I'm worried for the OPs well being, then how on earth is she feeling ?

There is nothing to be said except, 'You re leaving now.' You two need some serious assertiveness training, too.

'You reap what you sow, and what your sowing now is a mug tree'

Love this

Folks, yes of course, we can argue that the OP 'should' have nipped this in the bud a long time ago, but assertiveness does not come naturally to us all. I have had my fair share of doormat moments and it does not make you feel good, believe me. When you're not a free loader yourself, then someone coming into your home and abusing your hospitality and goodwill is pretty shocking and if you're a people pleaser, it can be pretty scary having to deal with it. So I'm not sure berating the OP (or her husband - why should he be expected to be more comfortable with this just because he's a man?) is a great idea.

That said OP, the time for action is now. No discussions - action. As other posters have said - 'this is no longer working for us. We need you out this evening/tomorrow'. Repeat as necessary. No reasons, no explanations.

Tell them that you had wanted to give them some warning yesterday but as they went to bed so early when you had asked them to talk that unfortunately now you just need them to leave immediately.

^ THIS ^

Good luck OP - you really must be this firm!

OP, I wouldn't wait for their viewings, it takes weeks to move into a rental place when everything is straightforward, and this situation is not straightforward. As they are not employed many landlords will turn them away. If you wait for them to find somewhere else you will be waiting a long to time, and that is assuming they are actually looking :(

I've got a lot of sympathy with the OP not wanting to have a confrontation. She's having a problem pregnancy and needs to avoid that sort of stress.

I think it needs DH to do it (not because he is a man but because he isn't having a difficult pregnancy), with the police called immediately if they do anything other than say "oh, okay then, we'll go pack."

Do you have nice neighbours, OP, who would come help you for an hour? I think DH taking them down the pub to tell them while their stuff is packed and removed is an excellent idea, I just don't think you should be doing the packing.

Actually, OP, I would suggest you call the police now on the non-emergency number and outline the situation - that you invited people to stay, you now want them to leave and you are concerned that they may refuse and cause a scene. That way the police have your details on file and can arrive quickly if it becomes necessary to call them. They might also be able to give you advice on changing locks etc.

I expect even thinking about what is going to happen is stressful OP and that you are probably feeling a bit guilty about kicking them out - not because you should, but because it would be unreasonable if they had been nice to you while they stayed, and it can be hard to get those feeling sout of your system when people are treating you in a way you would never consider treating others. So I thought I should point out that they almost certainly know this is coming. It won't be that big a surprise to them (though they may act shocked. Both because your "friend" appears to have been through this before from what you say about his previous relationships that have gone south, and because they wouldn't have gone to bed at 8:30 last night when you had asked to have a conversation if they weren't trying to avoid it.