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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

unwanted houseguests

654 replies

Cuppachaplz · 07/10/2014 15:08

I know that I am probably going to get slated here, but...

About 3 weeks ago, a friend of mine who is semi-retired and lives abroad for the summer, but returns to the UK in the winter to work, messaged me out of the blue to ask if he and his girlfriend could stay for a couple of days at the end of October while the found somewhere to live as he had secured a job close to me and his daughter who he normally stays with in the winter was planning to get lodgers. I am 28 weeks pregnant (or possibly more depending on which scan you believe), having a horrendous pregnancy with a past history of recurrent miscarriage, and working (writing) from home. He is aware of all this, and said it would be 'just a week, two at the absolute most'. I also explained that i had a house full the last week in October (half term, and planning to see as many friends as possible before arrival of baby), and that I am trying to get the house sorted for the baby in addition to an important work deadline in November, but that a few days was fine.

We don't have a lot of space, so they would be on the sofa be on the dining room. Spare room is tiny, and currently waiting for us to decorate for baby, so no good for 2 people even for a couple of days.

I got a call 9 days ago, saying that he was arriving 2 days later, i.e. a month earlier than stated. I was a bit put out, as I had already explained how much i had to get done, but figured I could crack on after the 'few days'.

He rang again the night before saying he assumed that someone would be in all day. Generally no, as we all work, and too late to get time off, but as I am working from home atm, I could be in. Was just irritated that this was assumed, as normally would be a no, and I have had hospital appts at least twice weekly for the last few weeks.

He arrived with a hire car rammed full of tons of stuff, which he proceeded to dump in our garage (my husband's workshop etc), and my dining room. I have had to fold up and move the dining room table, so we all have to eat off the breakfast bar in the kitchen, with my husband and I standing up. He then moaned that I didn't have a car available as he wanted to take his hire car back and have me give him a lift home. I have never owned a car, and drive very infrequently, so odd request. I asked how he was planning to get to work, to find out that the job had fallen through.

Initially he asked if I wanted them to get any shopping, or do anything. As I had just done a full shop, I suggested that if he wanted to, he could maybe get us a takeaway at the weekend instead, as I felt like crap, and had spent the whole day driving him around looking for things. This got me an earful as he claimed to have no money (why offer to buy groceries then? I wasn't suggesting anything elaborate), so I went to bed early and showed him where I keep leftovers on the freezer, while Dh finished jobs in the kitchen. They got said takeaway anyway and then proceeded to put hot contained directly on top of raw meat in the fridge.

I am massively overheating atm, so had asked if windows could be left open to stop the house turning into a sweatbox. This was ignored, and he now walks around behind me shutting them.

He now has a job, but announced yesterday that it will take 'several weeks' to save any deposit for a house...

He has also asked me if he can claim housing benefits at this address, I suspect totally illegally.

When they are in, I cannot work as TV on v loud, and with them in the dining room and sat watching this in living room, is no space left, so I spend my time upstairs.

I am now thoroughly miserable, spending most days half crying, and can't see a way out. I am 29 weeks pregnant, so appreciate that i am being hormonal and may be over-reacting, and probably only have myself to blame, but I am also desperate to get organised before the baby arrives, and can't believe they would take advantage of me like this.

Sorry for very long, whining post, but unsure how to proceed now.

And now, let the 'you've made your bed...' - bashing commence

TIA

OP posts:
UptheChimney · 08/10/2014 12:38

Good p[oint, CSIJanner. But the axtual people need to be out tonight. And you & your DH (or a good friend preferably a BIG friend) need to be there when they take their stuff.

Just unbelievable

Cheering you on from over here, OP.

Myhensareladies · 08/10/2014 12:44

Hope you get this sorted OP.

PeachyParisian · 08/10/2014 12:56

Hope you've told em to sling their hook by now OP!

Tanith · 08/10/2014 13:07

Oh, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. This situation is more common than you think. There have been freeloading cuckoos-in-the-nest for years and years and the police will help you if you need it.

I hope this helps to give you strength to deal with yours.

OTheHugeManatee · 08/10/2014 13:12

They're on to you, OP, if they're hiding from you so as to avoid a 'chat'. Hmm

I think you need to change the lock before they get home tonight. Then you can have 'the conversation' with them through the letterbox, with them already on the right side of it.

Cuppachaplz · 08/10/2014 13:34

no update, as as I said, was waiting until DH is home to have the conversation. This has nothing to do with being spineless, as under normal circumstances I will happily yell at people. More back up, and the fact that this pregnancy has been very difficult; I am at risk of abruption and being monitored as barely holding off pre-eclampsia, so DH really worried about me dealing with this on my own. He cannot take time off at short notice easily, and nor would we want to given that we need his bosses on side should the baby come early (something we have been warned about) or even just on time!
I had no problem with a few days, but am feeling intimidated, more by the actions which suggest they don't plan on leaving, and also don't want any confrontation in front of DS, which was why I asked for 5 minutes after he had been to cubs and gone to bed last night. As I said 8.30!
We are not going out to night, so any conversation cannot be avoided, and I am of the opinion that both my baby's and my health are considerably more important than any friendship, especially one this toxic, so am already resigned to losing 'friends', and being outed as a bitch.
Dh said they told him yesterday they have viewings set up for Saturday, this being the case, then I can't see any problem with them shifting stuff this weekend, when DH is here to supervise.
I had a Dr.'s appt this am, and from comments on here was worried about leaving the house (he is at work however, and I suspect that she is oblivious, and DH feels that she may even have been told that I have said they can stay longer than I actually did), but now I am back, I don't need to go out again until they have gone.
I still find it hard to believe that they would do anything, just feel they are taking advantage, and I am not in a position for that, even if I weren't heavily pregnant.
Thanks again for all the offers of help. FX for some positive news for you all later x

OP posts:
Selinemaratima · 08/10/2014 13:35

Hi OP how are you doing? The 8.30 to bed would have caused me to start a riot! I am all for keeping calm and just being frank/direct/blunt but I would personally have given them a knock and said what I previously mentioned up thread, there's no need to scream just have authority, take control of this situation Hun, it's spiralling .... I would now actually say " I don't

Selinemaratima · 08/10/2014 13:41

(Getting on bus with buggy!) ... have anything to say to you both, I am furious, but as I am heavily pregnant I intend to stay calm. This is not open for discussion, I need you to leave my house today" stay calm, look him straight in the eye, repeat if necessary" thinking of you OP, let us know how you're getting on xxx

PedantMarina · 08/10/2014 13:46

DP and I are aghast. OP we're not going to have a go at you for not confronting them until DHgets home, but we are very concerned for you.

DP is in the "they're up to something (probably squatting)" camp, and suggests you have an independent witness when you tell them to leave, be that the police, a neighbour who just pops by to borrow a cup of sugar, whatever. And that you absolutely don't let them stay longer.

Good luck.

PedantMarina · 08/10/2014 13:53

PS, sorry to say this, but your "I don't think they'd do ..." - cast your mind back a few weeks/ months: did you think they'd do this ? Of course not, you would have never had them to stay the "few days". So please acknowledge that you don't know them that well. Take no chances. Protect you and yours, esp bubba.

And don't worry about being "outted as a bitch" - not only would any reasonable person think otherwise, exactly who the fuck is this freeloader going to tell? The legion of friends who know better than to put him up? Exactly. Wink

Sazzle41 · 08/10/2014 13:54

Sounds like he knows you are a soft touch so is taking the piss . You have done more than enough. Have your husband there to back you up (united front so he cant play one off against the other), tell him he has one hour to bag up his stuff or you will, leave him list of B&Bs, change the locks.

Sometimes being nice gets mistaken for being a mug...& people think they can take advantage of it.

Selinemaratima · 08/10/2014 13:56

Sorry Op was obviously mid-text, only just saw your recent post. Just for the record - you certainly do not need to defend yourself on here for being 'spineless' etc You are in a vulnerable sitch and have noting to reproach yourself for. Some of the posters on this particular thread would end up serving time over this lol Grin joke! You are gona nail it tonight - Calm & reasonable, angry but in control !! Good luck xxx

Stupidhead · 08/10/2014 14:01

Stay calm, you're going to be great. Write down exactly what you want to say with answers for their possible excuses then you can't be wrong footed. Mention to the guy about his viewings for Saturday and make it clear that he has this week to sort it and pack up (and fuck off!).

If he was a friend then he'd be more concerned for your pregnancy and health right now, which he isn't.

And any letters for him you receive after they've left mark 'not known at this address' and stick back in the post box. Just in case he has benefits/claims/loans tied to your address.

Justgotosleepnow · 08/10/2014 14:13

Hi I really don't like the sound of these people. Nasty nasty.
Don't worry about them slagging you off, any friend of theirs is likely to be just as awful.

I would also take out the experian 60 day free credit check offer. Then cancel before the free period ends.
Then you can be sure they haven't used your address.

Good old mumsnet is needed in your head tonight-
No is a complete sentence!
Keep repeating against all excuses etc- this is my house you must go. No you cannot stay. No.
Etc etc.
oh I wish I could call round and give you a hand. Lemmie at em!

Stay strong & kick em out

HansieLove · 08/10/2014 14:18

Viewings on Saturday? Phooey! They need to leave today. Why should you have them for four more days, and then they could dilly dally some more. It was only supposed to be two days at the beginning of this.

Stupidhead · 08/10/2014 14:19

Yep, we're here. Get this thread on your phone and use us if you feel a pause!

UptheChimney · 08/10/2014 14:21

Keep repeating against all excuses etc- this is my house you must go. No you cannot stay. No

This

I made the mistake of trying to justify myself and answer questions (aggressively put) when I was trying to get a flatmate out. When we did it together we could just say 'you have to leave' (we had very good reason to say this, btw)

Your unwanted ex-friend already has no shame. He's not nice. He won't be thinking reasonably. He'll be absolutely set on maintaining he is right and you are wrong. You won't be able to reason with him. So just tell him to leave, within the hour, and don't enter into any discussion or backtrack.

Oh god it's all flooding back to me when I was in a similar sitation

SauvignonBlanche · 08/10/2014 14:28

Change that lock!

Tinkerball · 08/10/2014 14:28

This is horrific! These people aren't friends.

kikisunflower · 08/10/2014 14:32

Change the locks

dinkystinky · 08/10/2014 14:34

Good luck OP for the talk with them - stick to your guns, this is your home, your family - they are treating both of you with total disrespect and increasing your stress levels at a time when you really don't need it, so they need to be out by the weekend.

ToothlessFanClub · 08/10/2014 14:35

OP, I would change the lock now, and when they come back make them pack their stuff (supervised) and leave. I wouldn't put it beyond them to nick stuff or trash the place. Don't take any chances.
They are users of the worst category, with no consideration for your health.

If they kick up a fuss, call the police, or pretend to. Have a friend or neighbour there, so you outnumber them.

Once they are gone, ring the housing benefit people to make sure they didn't make that fraudulent claim.

kikisunflower · 08/10/2014 14:35

You have every right to get the police involved and they would advise you categorically to change the locks and that it is then up your 'friend' to find new accommodation. The police will come and support you whilst your 'friend' removes his belongings.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2014 14:35

Dh has to get rid of them tonight. Tgey have no intention of going anytime soon! Claiming housing benefit from your address, and changing the locks, dh would be fecking livid, and would have gone into their room at 8.30pm. Can't anybody look after your ds whilst these lot are being turfed out.

kikisunflower · 08/10/2014 14:37

Involving the police does not mean your friend will be arrested or anything they will be there to support you throughout whilst he leaves.

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