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Original poster

unwanted houseguests

654 replies

Cuppachaplz · 07/10/2014 15:08

I know that I am probably going to get slated here, but...

About 3 weeks ago, a friend of mine who is semi-retired and lives abroad for the summer, but returns to the UK in the winter to work, messaged me out of the blue to ask if he and his girlfriend could stay for a couple of days at the end of October while the found somewhere to live as he had secured a job close to me and his daughter who he normally stays with in the winter was planning to get lodgers. I am 28 weeks pregnant (or possibly more depending on which scan you believe), having a horrendous pregnancy with a past history of recurrent miscarriage, and working (writing) from home. He is aware of all this, and said it would be 'just a week, two at the absolute most'. I also explained that i had a house full the last week in October (half term, and planning to see as many friends as possible before arrival of baby), and that I am trying to get the house sorted for the baby in addition to an important work deadline in November, but that a few days was fine.

We don't have a lot of space, so they would be on the sofa be on the dining room. Spare room is tiny, and currently waiting for us to decorate for baby, so no good for 2 people even for a couple of days.

I got a call 9 days ago, saying that he was arriving 2 days later, i.e. a month earlier than stated. I was a bit put out, as I had already explained how much i had to get done, but figured I could crack on after the 'few days'.

He rang again the night before saying he assumed that someone would be in all day. Generally no, as we all work, and too late to get time off, but as I am working from home atm, I could be in. Was just irritated that this was assumed, as normally would be a no, and I have had hospital appts at least twice weekly for the last few weeks.

He arrived with a hire car rammed full of tons of stuff, which he proceeded to dump in our garage (my husband's workshop etc), and my dining room. I have had to fold up and move the dining room table, so we all have to eat off the breakfast bar in the kitchen, with my husband and I standing up. He then moaned that I didn't have a car available as he wanted to take his hire car back and have me give him a lift home. I have never owned a car, and drive very infrequently, so odd request. I asked how he was planning to get to work, to find out that the job had fallen through.

Initially he asked if I wanted them to get any shopping, or do anything. As I had just done a full shop, I suggested that if he wanted to, he could maybe get us a takeaway at the weekend instead, as I felt like crap, and had spent the whole day driving him around looking for things. This got me an earful as he claimed to have no money (why offer to buy groceries then? I wasn't suggesting anything elaborate), so I went to bed early and showed him where I keep leftovers on the freezer, while Dh finished jobs in the kitchen. They got said takeaway anyway and then proceeded to put hot contained directly on top of raw meat in the fridge.

I am massively overheating atm, so had asked if windows could be left open to stop the house turning into a sweatbox. This was ignored, and he now walks around behind me shutting them.

He now has a job, but announced yesterday that it will take 'several weeks' to save any deposit for a house...

He has also asked me if he can claim housing benefits at this address, I suspect totally illegally.

When they are in, I cannot work as TV on v loud, and with them in the dining room and sat watching this in living room, is no space left, so I spend my time upstairs.

I am now thoroughly miserable, spending most days half crying, and can't see a way out. I am 29 weeks pregnant, so appreciate that i am being hormonal and may be over-reacting, and probably only have myself to blame, but I am also desperate to get organised before the baby arrives, and can't believe they would take advantage of me like this.

Sorry for very long, whining post, but unsure how to proceed now.

And now, let the 'you've made your bed...' - bashing commence

TIA

OP posts:
milkpudding · 08/10/2014 09:32

Unfortunately they are brass necked enough that there will likely need to be some conflict to get them out- they will ignore hints, requests, polite instructions. PLEASE tell them to leave tonight, don't let this drag on another day. If your DH isn't feeling up to a confrontation ask relatives/ friends to back you up.

milkpudding · 08/10/2014 09:34

And they have been disgustingly rude to you, please don't feel you need to be polite to them. Eg. Perfectly acceptable to wake them up if they hide from you by going to bed early again. They are exploiting your kind nature and reluctance to be rude to take all they can!

Whatisaweekend · 08/10/2014 09:35

I would def keep a hawk eye on them when they are packing up as you might find that some things go 'missing'. In fact I would actively engage in packing their things for them to ensure your belongings to stay put!

NotMNRoyalty · 08/10/2014 09:39

I hope your valuables are locked away, including paperwork.

NotMNRoyalty · 08/10/2014 09:40

Oh, sorry xpost

Spindarella · 08/10/2014 09:42

OP, you have been very kind and offred to help someone in a fix.

I wonder if this "job" ever existed or whether they lied to you from the outset.

Please, please do not feel guilt tripped by them. Tell them the day to go and that's that. If they have no other friends and family to help them out then is unfortunate, but not your problem. You don't even sound like close friends, more friends/acquainatances so it really is a massive imposition. Somebody quite cynical would wonder why they don't have closer friends they could ask, why YOU are their only option. I think the answer would be because they've form for freeloading.

This is a horrible situation, and in case you had any doubt at all, YANBU!

TheStarsLookDown · 08/10/2014 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justgotosleepnow · 08/10/2014 09:47

Wow.
Put their stuff on the drive.
Change the locks.
Have someone with you when they get back.
Don't let them in.
Call the police if they get nasty.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 08/10/2014 09:52

Two important things to remember. The man is no friend. You don't treat your friends like this.
They are not your guests. They 'invited' themselves. They're unpleasant freeloaders who are upsetting you and abusing your kindness.
You don't need to give their situation a second thought, the fact he's said he can't go to family and has fallen out with other previous friends speaks volumes.

campingfilth · 08/10/2014 10:06

Why on earth did you not go into their room and tell them to get up??? I can not believe you are letting this carry on. Now way would I or anyone I know let this happen.

You both need to grow a back bone and your DH needs to seriously sort this out if it is too stressful for you.

angelos02 · 08/10/2014 10:15

Why on earth did you not go into their room and tell them to get up??? yy to this

It is YOUR house.

Chippednailvarnish · 08/10/2014 10:27

You really do seem to have on going issues with assertiveness OP, once this is dealt with I would suggest that you look into finding ways to address this.

SpaceStation · 08/10/2014 10:37

I try to be assertive in my own life, but this situation is really hard and I have crumbled in the face of house guest woes before. (Not this bad but still.)

We're brought up to feel it's important to be a good friend and hospitable and offer things to people in our homes. People who take the piss like this take advantage of that and make it very difficult. Because of their attitude and behaviour, the OP is going to have to get nasty and it runs against very deeply ingrained behaviours to be mean to "guests". That's how people like this get away with it.

Tanith · 08/10/2014 10:45

Op, I strongly suspect your "friend" arrived on your doorstep with every intention of spending the whole winter in your house. His daughter refusing to have him sounds like she has been stuck with hosting his lifestyle in the UK to date and has finally had enough of him.

If you don't get them out quickly, you could be looking at hosting them when the baby is here.

They do not care about you, your family or your pregnancy. They won't shed a tear if you lose your baby: all they care about is that they have a UK base for the winter. They are evidently well used to pulling this stunt so you need to get them out now. I second the recommendations to involve the police. tothey simply

Itscurtainsforyou · 08/10/2014 10:49

I also have sympathy for the OP. at university we helped someone out by saying they could stay with us for a few weeks while they found somewhere else. When they showed no signs of moving out - and we found that they were laughing at us with their/our mates - I told him to move out within the week.

We lost mutual friends over this and it was all completely horrible, but I'd do the same again, no question. You just don't expect "friends" to take advantage like that.

Stupidhead · 08/10/2014 10:49

I agree, it totally smacks of his daughter being fed up with him freeloading every winter hence her suddenly wanting lodgers.

Wait until OH is home and demand they hand over their keys and tell them where the nearest B&B is. Do this for your baby, you might get some strength for thinking of that.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 08/10/2014 10:57

Tell them to leave. You don't have to show anger or fear or any other emotion, and if you do show emotion you haven't lost anything. Do you have any local friends or neighbours who can come round to help carry their stuff out and be witnesses to them being asked to leave?
Are you friends with him on facebook? Shame him on facebbok and take photos of his stuff. Ask him to leave calmly, politely and publicly.

LurkingHusband · 08/10/2014 11:03

Itscurtainsforyou - you didn't lose any friends, mutual or not. You just cleared the deadwood out of your life.

TessOfTheFurbyvilles · 08/10/2014 11:10

I have every sympathy with you OP, and I hope you manage to get them out today, you do not need this with everything else going on in your life. Your priority is you, your family and your unborn baby. Not these fucking freeloaders.

CaptainHammer · 08/10/2014 11:16

Just read this. Can't believe the cheek of them! Good luck tonight.

NickAngel · 08/10/2014 12:10

How are things today?

UptheChimney · 08/10/2014 12:18

OMG. How can people behave like this?

Good luck OP, and I hope no-one's given you a flaming here. Your "guests" are unspeakable.

UptheChimney · 08/10/2014 12:24

Right, I'm over my utter speechlessness at the behaviour of these tossers.

And remembering student days when I once had to get someone out of a shared house. So be prepared. When people are desperate and so unprincipled & low that they behave as your ex-friend has, they will stop at nothing when you try to evict them.

I had to try twice, and the second time we did it as a team of flatmates. THe first time I was unprepared for the way that the person twisted it so I was in the wrong.

So be prepared. Have your DH there, and both of you just keep repeating "You need to leave" Set a time by which they have to be out of your house, and all his stuff taken away as well. And DON'T enter into any discussion. JUst ask them them to go. Then tell them to go. THen say you will be calling the police if they do not go.

It's a pity that your DH won't be home till the evening. You really can't have this conversation and then let them stay overnight, so you'll need to have a list of available B&Bs or hotels and give them an hour to pack, and then see them out.

Can you change the lock straight away? Otherwise it'll be a difficult night.

Good luck. And I just saw your post where you thought you might be being selfish! You're not, you're obviously the reverse of selfish, and a good friend.

CSIJanner · 08/10/2014 12:27

They don't need to take their stuff tonight. They just need to leave and you hand them a letter saying they have until Sunday 10am to pick things up or you'll package everything up to send onto a charity shop or something, just give them notice so they can sort out storage. And change the locks. Pisstakers.

MissSusanStoHelit · 08/10/2014 12:29

Absolutely unbelievable... Another one holding thumbs it all goes to plan tonight!! Good luck OP!