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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect a seat on the bus?

145 replies

Mammanat222 · 06/10/2014 09:02

This morning got a later bus, was gobsmacked to board it and see a number of people's heads drop.

Even school children (teenagers - bus in on the route to 2 schools)

AIBU to be pissed off and disappointed?

I am almost 6 months pregnant by the way, wearing something tight today and there is no mistaking I am pregnant - not just fat!!

OP posts:

Smooshface · 06/10/2014 12:37

I was on tube 8 months pregnant and no bugger offered then, really narked me!

Was carry 10 month old in sling to take dd1 to drama the other day, school boy (possibly teenager but not old) offered me seat, which I was too polite to take but how nice

StillSquirrelling · 06/10/2014 12:41

I remember a vile trip to London when I was 7 months pregnant. I had two bags (one was a rucksack, other was my handbag) and I was also on crutches for SPD. I had to change trains in Birmingham, over a bridge to a different platform. I was really struggling but no-one stopped to offer me any assistance. I then got on the train and arrived at Euston. Again, struggling to get across the station to catch my tube but no offers of help. I had two changes of tube line before I reached my final destination - neither of which had lifts or escalators - and the final two trains were full but no-one offered me a seat. I did ask a few people but they either blatently ignored me or just shook their heads. I was almost in tears and by the time I reached my final station (where my friends were waiting for me) I could barely walk at all. I made DH come and collect me (6 hour drive in all)as I couldn't face the return journey being the same!

chrome100 · 06/10/2014 12:44

YABU to "expect" a seat. If you want one, ask.

fairgame · 06/10/2014 12:49

I had to get the bus when i was 8 months pregnant. There was a steep bridge to walk over on the way home and i was too big and exhausted to manage it so i got the bus. Bus was packed with OAP's and not one of them offered me a seat. Some of them were pretty fit as well compared to me as i was massive, it literally looked like i had a beach ball attached to me i was so big. I had to the stand the whole journey.
I'm not picking on all OAP's as some may have hidden health problems but then i think of the people like my Dad who is retired and has a bus pass. He is completely fit and healthy but there is very little chance he would give up his free seat for anybody.

magpiegin · 06/10/2014 12:50

YANBU to expect a seat if you ask first. As people have said, they may not have noticed, they may be worried you're just fat and would offend you, they could need the seat themselves.

KoalaDownUnder · 06/10/2014 12:52

Koala I think you are ridiculous in terms of what you expect of others.

Erm, to be fair, I'm not expecting anything of others that I don't expect of myself.

For generations, people have been offering their seats to pregnant women, disabled people, and elderly people. Amazing how they managed to live up to this ridiculous expectation, and suddenly in the past few years it's all too hard and now the onus is on people to ask.

Lovely society we're creating.

magpiegin · 06/10/2014 12:53

When I was on crutches a few years back I found that young people, probably under 30ish were the most helpful, they moved seats, offered to carry bags etc. Elderly people and Middle aged women were the worst, would avoid eye contact and lots wouldn't move. Think a lot of it is embarrassment- don't know why though.

Staywithme · 06/10/2014 12:57

Just out of curiosity OP, if someone asked you to give up your seat a seat because they say they are disabled but you can't SEE their disability would you get up?

PomeralLights · 06/10/2014 13:40

I am now visibly pregnant and on my walk home from work on Friday two people walked into me. Man rushing to get home and overtaking me, swerved out of way of ppl coming the other way on pavement and bashed my shoulder. Bridge with only room for single file in each direction, loved up young couple coming the other way, girl walked into me rather than dropping behind her fella for the time it took to walk past me. I've given up expecting people to be polite or show any consideration for my pregnancy - public transport, walking, anything. People are much more likely to be hostile, I've found. :(
I honestly think that pregnancy is so much less common than it was even 30 years ago with people having smaller families, that lots of people just don't understand that pregnancy is such a strain on the body and really does mean you're not as able to stand / can't move as fast or get out of people's way so easily.
The attitudes on this thread have thrown me to be honest - why would you need a seat?! She's pregnant!! Surely its not the norm for pregnant ladies to be completely non-tired, fit, healthy, non-dizzy and able to stand for long periods? Surely most pregnancies are physically demanding?!

Letthemtalk · 06/10/2014 13:43

Of course she should ask!

OnGoldenPond · 06/10/2014 13:54

Seen this from both sides.

When pg was never once offered a seat on the tube or bus but was not bothered as I felt quite well throughout and never felt that I needed one. Would have asked if I did.

Have also been aggressively told off by a pg woman with a fairly small bump for not giving up my seat on the bus for her. She wasn't even satisfied when I explained to her I had a brain tumour which was affecting my balance centres and it was almost impossible for me to stay upright standing on the bus. I was on the bus because my illness meant I could no longer drive. I looked fine while sitting down but would have been mistaken for a drunk if I stood up. She clearly didn't believe me and I wasn't about to show her my surgery appointment to prove it.

WorraLiberty · 06/10/2014 14:22

why would you need a seat?! She's pregnant!! Surely its not the norm for pregnant ladies to be completely non-tired, fit, healthy, non-dizzy and able to stand for long periods? Surely most pregnancies are physically demanding?!

The OP just said she's tired and carrying extra weight

As some people have pointed out, so are many other non pregnant commuters.

I don't know what is the 'norm' and what isn't, but I imagine there are tons of fit, healthy, non dizzy women out there who are 5 months pregnant.

Either way, if anyone was experiencing those symptoms (pregnant or not), all they need to do is ask for a seat, rather than assume there are clairvoyant people travelling alongside them.

OwlCapone · 06/10/2014 16:47

I think part of the problem is how women in general have tried to reinforce the idea that pregnancy is not an illness, that it doesn't stop them being able to do stuff and that a man offering up his seat might be the biggest insult possible because they are more than capable of standing, thank you very much.

amicissimma · 06/10/2014 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LifesUPandLifesDOWN · 06/10/2014 17:04

I think YABU and I'm 27 weeks pregnant. I get the bus most days and dont ever expect anyone to give up their seat. Why should they?Everyone else on the bus paid their fare aswell.

Andrewofgg · 06/10/2014 17:43

Why the hell are bus companies outside London not offering the Baby On Board badge which resolves the fat/pregnant question?

I get up as a matter of course; it's the way I was brought up. But let me add that it is nice to be thanked, and it does not always happen.

HaroldLloyd · 06/10/2014 17:48

Not all pregnant people suffer, I have friends who are charging about right until the end. Some people even reckon they glow.

MarmaladeShatkins · 06/10/2014 17:49

I stood loads on buses/trains when pregnant and I had terrible SPD. I never asked but I am surprised I didn't burn a hole in anyone's skull with my death stare.

I went to Paris when I was 7 months pregnant and two French ladies on the Metro squabbled over who would give me a seat. They BOTH wanted to give up their seat for me, bless 'em!

YANBU.

NoImSpartacus · 06/10/2014 18:53

I don't think YABU for expecting a seat, people can be rude, selfish arses, but I do think that YABU for not wearing one of those 'baby on board' badges because, as people have pointed out, no one wants to mistake big stomached woman who is just fat, for being pregnant.

When I'm on the tube I often have my head down working and kind of zone out, so you could literally be standing over me with your bump and I wouldn't notice, and I would be mortified if that were the case, but sometimes I just want to relax on the journey into work and not be looking out for those more in need of my seat than me, if you were to tap me discreetly on the shoulder, point to your bump and ask for my seat, I would give it to you willingly, as I'm sure most people would.

Don't just stand there fuming about it tho!

silverstreak · 06/10/2014 22:50

OP if I were you I'd just give up... While some people - including myself - get that you're just asking what Has happened to basic consideration & good manners in your average bus-goer these days, most people seem to be missing the point and be of the 'but why should I/we/they?'. These folk will never get it, and sadly they are clearly in the majority... To give a similar example of the continually ignored 'need priority' system that I personally experienced difficulty with not long ago (but took that one step further that everyone keeps suggesting and asked) - got on a busy bus with my (then) 14m old in her buggy, asked the driver if there was room for us (meaning with dd in buggy) & he nodded & gestured to the designated buggy/wheelchair area, which was full of people standing (well, about 3-4 people) and said to park it there.... All good but when I got there and looked around expectantly (at least some must've heard the driver, we're only taking 1-2 metres away) everyone just stared at me.... after an awkward couple of seconds I actually had to say, "um, is it okay to park my buggy here please? The driver told me I should" to which there was a lot of mumbling and glaring, with one woman actually saying "well what are we supposed to do?!"! Obviously the answer was to do as they reluctantly did which was to move approx 1 metre to the right, but the general consensus was clearly that I should have just buggared off instead....
As I said - grumpy, self-absorbed and inconsiderate, your average bus-goer these days! :) (but please ignore me as I too am nearly 6 months preg so v.likely hormonal, unreasonable, and also grumpy!)

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