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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect a seat on the bus?

145 replies

Mammanat222 · 06/10/2014 09:02

This morning got a later bus, was gobsmacked to board it and see a number of people's heads drop.

Even school children (teenagers - bus in on the route to 2 schools)

AIBU to be pissed off and disappointed?

I am almost 6 months pregnant by the way, wearing something tight today and there is no mistaking I am pregnant - not just fat!!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 06/10/2014 11:25

Pregnancy does not make you fluorescent orange

Most of the teenagers around here are fluorescent orange anyway, so that would make the OP blend in even further

KoalaDownUnder · 06/10/2014 11:27

Sorry, but you're idea that everyone should look up from their book or whatever to check out every person who gets on the bus (if they can even see them) at every single bus stop - that's just preposterous.

Yeah, it would be. If I'd said that. But let's not let the facts get in the way of a good bit of hyperbole.

What they need to do is not plonk into a seat and glue their eyes down for the rest of the journey, totally oblivious to the people standing in the aisle right next to them.

I don't care if they're teenagers or 40, so no need to make it an ageism thing. I'm 40 myself, and would never wait for a pregnant woman to have to ask for my seat.

The OP didn't need EVERYONE on the bus to pay her immediate attention, she just needed ONE person to have some manners.

babykonitsway · 06/10/2014 11:28

I always give up a seat to a pregnant woman, but there have been a few times I have sat looking at the bump thinking, "chubby or pregnant??"

I'm now 20 weeks, starting to show, if no one offer me a seat, which I need as I get dizzy and nauseous standing, I just stand there rubbing my belly till someone clocks on that i'm pregnant. If that fails I ask for a seat. 99% of the time people are fine, a few grumble but that's there problem.

WorraLiberty · 06/10/2014 11:29

Yes because it would be great manners to stand up and offer your seat to someone, who's just happened to put on a bit of weight around their stomach.

That's going to brighten their day no end...

StackladysMorphicResonator · 06/10/2014 11:29

I agree with Worra - it's mortifying for all involved when offering a seat to someone who turns out to just be fat! I made a woman cry once by offering her a seat - she wasn't pregnant and had given birth seven months previously I'm really cautious now when offering a seat, and a 5-months bump would need to be larger than average and I would need to be 95% sure the individual was pregnant before I'd risk offending by offering a seat.

babykonitsway · 06/10/2014 11:29

oh want to add, when I have had a seat, one more than one occasion OAPs have got on the bus and TUTTED at me for being in their seats. I just glare back. Age does not qualify you for a seat, a medical need does.

melw74 · 06/10/2014 11:30

I would not need to be asked i would offer straight away if i saw a pregnant Lady standing. I think its sad that there are so many selfish people that would just sit there, while a pregnant woman stands up!!

TheStarsLookDown · 06/10/2014 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DiaDuit · 06/10/2014 11:30

Most of the teenagers around here are fluorescent orange anyway, so that would make the OP blend in even further

Aridane · 06/10/2014 11:31

Ask - it's not always easy to tell when someone is pregant but it is easy to tell when someone is elderly.

Then be offended if no one then offers you a seat.

GooseyLoosey · 06/10/2014 11:35

This is not my experience of London at all. I was always offered seats on the Tube when pregnant with both children. Until I was about 8 months pregnant, I didn't need them, so declined.

Maybe there has been a change in attitude over the last 10 years - not just amongst those sitting down, but the pregnant woment themselves. I got up on a train for a woman who was about 5ish months pregnant. I will need a hip replacement within the next few years so my need for the seat may well have been greater than her's anyway, but that is by the by. Did she thank me? No - she looked and me and said "about time".

My experience however remains that most people are lovely. If someone notices me limping, they alsmost always offer me a seat. Most people are nice.

TheStarsLookDown · 06/10/2014 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiuChoos · 06/10/2014 11:43

I got offered a seat on a packed train the other week as I was "pregnant, here have my seat".

No I'm bloody not, I just carry all my weight on my tummy (and must have eaten far too many pies that week or something!) I know I'm overweight and could do with losing a couple of stone.
Was gutted!
People are probably wary of assuming someone's pregnant in case they just turn out to be someone with a fat belly like myself.
Either that or they're in their own little world and tune out. I don't notice anything on buses/trains unless they literally smack me round the head or fall into me!

MidniteScribbler · 06/10/2014 11:43

If I am on public transport (not that often), it's one of the rare times I actually get to read a book. I wouldn't notice a brass marching band if it came down the aisle. Ask me politely, and I'll have no problem getting up. Really, just open your mouth and bloody ask.

Original poster

Mammanat222 · 06/10/2014 11:45

The thread is entitled AIBU "to expect" a seat

That is what I am asking.

And turns out that I am !!!

OP posts:

DiaDuit · 06/10/2014 11:50

Well i dont think you are being UR to expect a seat. I do think you are BU to expect to be automatically given a seat on a full bus. You are not UR to ask for a seat and if you happen to ask an able bodied, fully rested person then you would not be UR to expect them to give you their seat. But equally you could be unlucky to ask someone who also has a need for it which they dont have to explain to you. You shouldnt just expect to be given one on the basis of your existence on the bus.

KoalaDownUnder · 06/10/2014 11:53

You shouldnt just expect to be given one on the basis of your existence on the bus.

She's not. She's expecting to be given one based on being pregnant and existing on the bus.

DiaDuit · 06/10/2014 11:58

She's expecting to be given one based on being pregnant and existing on the bus.

Not from the point of view of all the other passengers. She's just another person who has got on- most of them wont have noticed her, of those that did there is no way of them knowing for sure that she was pregnant unless she actually asked for a seat. Therefore until she points out that she is pregnant and in need of a seat then yes, she is expecting a seat just on the basis of her existence on the bus. she is the on wanting something done for her, she has to take responsibility in setting the ball rolling for that to happen.

LadyLuck10 · 06/10/2014 12:02

Koala I think you are ridiculous in terms of what you expect of others. Do you really think people are inspecting stomachs to decide if it's a bump or fat? Have you never just stared ahead thinking about something then realized you were staring at someone? Whatever the reason if, my point is that the next person may just not be the focus of anyone. If you need a seat, ASK. It's simple.

MaidOfStars · 06/10/2014 12:12

I am fit and healthy. On a crowded bus or train, I'd just get up and leave a seat free (without querying whether it is needed by any specific person) or not sit down in the first place. I would rather anyone who felt they had a need to sit could do so, whether they are older, pregnant, overweight, tired, sore feet, whatever. Even if your only reason for sitting is a precious moment to read a book and switch off, that's alright by me. I can read any other time!

WorraLiberty · 06/10/2014 12:18

A noble attitude Maid, but do you travel by public transport every day?

LadyLuck10 · 06/10/2014 12:24

Maid there are no prizes here.

MaidOfStars · 06/10/2014 12:27

Sorry, no martyrdom or preachy smugness intended. It's just a straightforward option for me.

Yes, I commute by public transport daily, over an hour each way.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/10/2014 12:31

It's clear from this thread, that the best way to handle this as a society, is to change the etiquette rules to - no one ever offers a seat, if you need one you ask, then that person always gives it to you if they can.
That way, no one is offended, or embarrassed, or required to carry out an assessment of everyone who gets on the bus etc etc
Sorted.
So, yabu, you should have asked.
And, for the record, I didn't need a seat when I was six months pregnant, I felt completely fine.

PassTheCremeEggs · 06/10/2014 12:32

You're not being unreasonable to expect a seat, but you are being unreasonable to expect one to be offered without you asking. As many have already said, it's a minefield for people offering in case you're not pregnant and they then offend or upset you. If you need a seat, ask for one. It's so unlikely the person would say no, and if they did most other people would be suitably outraged and offer you theirs.

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