Things my kids do that drive me up the f-ing wall

[ThePerfectFather]

Just a list of things as the title says.

DD1 is nearly six. DD2, nearly 3, is an angel by comparison. This list is exclusively the preserve of DD1.

Feel free to add your own. I don't know if these are actually unreasonable because in that moment it FEELS like I am the only sane person in the World

1. Habitually coughing so that it sounds like I have a small malfunctioning steam engine in the room. Yes you had a cold last week, but nobody coughs like this "small cough, small cough, breathe, small cough, small cough, small cough, small cough" WHILST ALSO HAPPILY EATING MALTESERS. She doesn't have asthma, she did ballet an hour ago no problem, she's charging around like a maniac in the playground, but comes home and sits on the sofa and just does this stupid coughing thing.

1. Not answering her name until I've said it eighteen times. Even if I am sat next to her.

1. When scooting down the street and is rapidly disappearing into the middle distance : "Stop. Stop. DD1 STOP. STOP. STOOOOPPPPP. STOP NOW. STOP. STOP." Now I feel like an arsehole and people are turning around to see who the loudmouth Dad shouting as his kid is. Amazing how she can only hear me when she's almost a mile away but any closer than that and she's deaf as a post.

1. Failing to respond to her friends saying "hello" or "goodbye". "HI DD1!" they say with joy in their faces. She just calmly continues on her way. This is despite going home and drawing pictures for these kids and making "presents" for her "best friends". How come everyone else's kid seems to understand basic communication but it evades my eldest?

1. Insisting on getting dressed herself then when I go up to check on her after ten minutes, finding her naked admiring herself in the mirror. Get a f-ing move on, we're late for school now.

1. Thinking anything remotely related to vegetables are part of Satan's plan to conquer the World. This includes picking through a bolognese she insists is her favourite food to remove specks of herbs, and even a tiny HINT of a tomato chunk.

1. Being the biggest bitch in the World to her adoring sister. My heart aches for my little one when she asks, with wide glowing eyes, if her elder sister would like to play with her, and DD1 turns with cold, black eyes and pauses before announcing flatly : "No. I don't like playing with you."

1. Begging for new toys, loving them for five minutes, then abandoning them to the dusty under-the-couch region we call "the deadzone".

Phew, that was cathartic as fuck. Would love to hear anyone else's.

Yy to the scooter thing. It was so stressful last week that we are now driving to school til I can stand it again. The other day as well as scooting far, far away, DD managed to fall off it skinning her knees, then nearly tripped me up with the damn thing. I would have cheerfully chucked the bloody thing into someone's garden and left it there. As it was I had to carry scooter and loads of really heavy bags (she needed a lot of stuff for school that day naturally) and cajole crying child with sore knees the remaining mile to school. Then of course, we were late to school, had to sort knees etc.

My dad has just bought her a bike without asking me... Very nice and all, and I'm grateful naturally, but I don't think we'll be taking it to school anytime soon.

Yes I can really relate. My DD(8) does 2,3,4,5,7 and 8!

It's that horrible balance between letting them learn to scoot and give them some freedom, and visualising them coasting gently out into heavy traffic because they are too small to understand about stopping distances.

Mine both want me to be a mother when I want to pee about on mumsnet.
Speaking of which... Bedtime

Ouch, that's quite a list and it's probably unintentional but you sound like you don't like her very much.

And stop comparing your kids. That shit shows, even if you think it doesn't.

Grabbing onto the straps of my vests or swimming costume makes me irrationally angry

Haha, no 5. made me snort with laughter. My dd (2) loves being naked and every day atm is a battle to get clothes on/keep them on!
By far the most annoying thing dd does is follow me around whining mummy mummy and doing a fake cry whenever she wants something, and this goes on all day! Have tried getting her to ask nicely, ignoring the fake whinging, rewarding when she talks in a normal voice etc, but she persists......
I love her dearly but coming back from the park last weekend when she refused to walk, or go on reins or hold my hand, and I had to carry her (heavily pregnant) all the way, I very nearly left her sat on the pavement!

Ouch, that's quite a list and it's probably unintentional but you sound like you don't like her very much.

Yes, if you truly love someone you find nothing irritating about them. Ever. Especially children who have no concept of personal space or consideration for others.

Back to reality...

It bugs me when baby DD cries just to see what we'll do. She doesn't want anything she's just basically pushing a button to see what happens.

Why? Why? Why? All day about everything :-) my dd4 has the same high pitched banshee wail as a response to everything she seems unfair, unpleasant etc I actually screamed "USE YOUR INDOOR VOICE" the other day, which obviously didn't achieve a lot

longest, I think your comment is totally out of order. Congrats, your kids are perfect flawless diamonds that never make you angry.

The older they get, the more reasonable they SEEM, so their mad bad behaviour is all the more infuriating. When DD1 tells me about how the planets work or some fact about animals I didn't know I think "wow she's like a real person now, she's amazing".

...and then she fails to remember not to wipe her ketchupy mouth on her school cardigan at school dinnertime and I think "how can you remember the names of every single Monster High doll, but can't remember not to cough in my face like some kind of Tiny Typhoid Mary."

When your helping to get shoes and socks on quickly, they always give you the wrong foot first. Arghhh!

oh my god threepiecesuite that's a good one. I think the phrase "other foot" is so worn out now.

In addition to the shoe thing - putting on tights or leggings. I get one foot rolled down and ready, foot goes in no problem. EVERY SINGLE TIME both my kids will instantly try to shove their other foot in before I'm ready for them. EVERY TIME.

EVERY. TIME.

WHY.

Longest got it spot on. She's 6, and the word 'bitch' is in a post you wrote describing your daughter and her NORMAL 6 year old behaviour. And no, my child isn't perfect and sometimes behaves badly but suck it up, that's part of parenting.
Writing such a negative internet post about how much you dislike your own child speaks volumes about you as a father.

1. 3yo DS1: "Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummyyyy, Mummyyyyy" "Yes DS1?" "Mummy, Mummy, Mummy (repeat)" "YES, what, DS1??" "Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummyyyyy"

He never actually wants to ask me anything!! Just repeats my name until I explode!

1. Pokes his baby brother when he's trying to sleep, or bangs about extra loudly until he wakes up. Massively frustrating as DS2s rare naps are the only 1:1 time I get with DS1, and he doesn't understand he's shooting himself in the foot.

Wow, some people are getting quite precious about this. I think the list is hilarious! Yes, it's "typical kid stuff" but it doesn't mean that it's not annoying! My friend's DD (18mths) says "helloooo!" four hundred thousand times a day and you MUST respond in kind every time. EVERY. TIME.

I see the dramatics are kicking off. Anyone want to make bets on when "emotionally abusive" gets thrown down?

My DS(4) is having a hearing test in a couple of weeks as I'm sure he has selective hearing issues. These are most obvious in a 'number 3' on your list situation. He also screams when he is overexcited. A ear-splitting, bansheesque, straight-through-you type scream.

DD (6 next week) is currently a diva. We have foot-stomping and arm-crossing which get her zilch but she will insist on doing it! More fool her!

I totally agree PerfectFather. The behaviours definately get more irrational as they get older. Ignore the cat bum mouths.

Could the cough be a transient tic? DS went through several of these through Y1 & Y2 the most annoying being a sniffing one but also did coughing, licking his fingers, excessive blinking all separately I hasten to add. Touch wood we are tic free at present.

DS1 does 3, 4 & 7 and yes, he does annoy the hell out of me! That doesn't mean I don't love him, or dislike him, or compare him in a negative way to his brother. I'm human. Irritating things annoy me. I would have to be a robot for them not to.

You don't think a six year old is capable of 'bitchy' behaviour? Really? I think they are very capable of acting in way that hurts other people's feelings deliberately.

I used to blink excessively when I was a child. My parents told me I was putting it on for attention as I was jealous of my younger sister. My GP's told me I was trying to flirt and to stop it. I kept telling them I can't see properly but was dismissed as "we've all got good eyes in this family"

I stopped blinking once I had been prescribed glasses for extremely short sight at the age of 16 after going through school not seeing a word on the blackboard.

Kids can be annoying, I get that.

I'm happy to have a moan about annoying stuff kids do, and dd is only 2 so yeah, it's probably yet to hit me...

But for me the tone of the post was a little over the line.

But we can agree to disagree, can't we?

I don't think you are awful OP.

I would die for by boys. Kill for them. Walk the desert for them. BUT there are times when I want to scream in pure frustration, and run away.

DS1 goes out at 6 every morning to do paper round and EVERY morning he lets the bastard cat in, who yowls at the bottom of the stairs and wakes DS2, until he is fed. DS1 never, ever feeds him. No matter how much I yell.

DS2 liked to poo in the bath.

Perfectdad: i know you are blowing off steam, but you might want to consider if some of her issues, regarding interaction & communication are actually indicators of some level of special need that could be assisted. Do her teachers think she is more extreme in these behaviours than she should be? When you are at the park or schoolyard, does she seem remarkably out of step from the majority? avoid comparing her to those few who seem to be very, very together for their age, just examine if she seems much less competent than the majority?

I also remember yelling across the park as one of my DC's was intent on running to Scotland non stop it seemed so I gave chase while shouting at the top of my voice. I swear everyone in that park stopped what they were doing.