Things my kids do that drive me up the f-ing wall

[ThePerfectFather]

Just a list of things as the title says.

DD1 is nearly six. DD2, nearly 3, is an angel by comparison. This list is exclusively the preserve of DD1.

Feel free to add your own. I don't know if these are actually unreasonable because in that moment it FEELS like I am the only sane person in the World

1. Habitually coughing so that it sounds like I have a small malfunctioning steam engine in the room. Yes you had a cold last week, but nobody coughs like this "small cough, small cough, breathe, small cough, small cough, small cough, small cough" WHILST ALSO HAPPILY EATING MALTESERS. She doesn't have asthma, she did ballet an hour ago no problem, she's charging around like a maniac in the playground, but comes home and sits on the sofa and just does this stupid coughing thing.

1. Not answering her name until I've said it eighteen times. Even if I am sat next to her.

1. When scooting down the street and is rapidly disappearing into the middle distance : "Stop. Stop. DD1 STOP. STOP. STOOOOPPPPP. STOP NOW. STOP. STOP." Now I feel like an arsehole and people are turning around to see who the loudmouth Dad shouting as his kid is. Amazing how she can only hear me when she's almost a mile away but any closer than that and she's deaf as a post.

1. Failing to respond to her friends saying "hello" or "goodbye". "HI DD1!" they say with joy in their faces. She just calmly continues on her way. This is despite going home and drawing pictures for these kids and making "presents" for her "best friends". How come everyone else's kid seems to understand basic communication but it evades my eldest?

1. Insisting on getting dressed herself then when I go up to check on her after ten minutes, finding her naked admiring herself in the mirror. Get a f-ing move on, we're late for school now.

1. Thinking anything remotely related to vegetables are part of Satan's plan to conquer the World. This includes picking through a bolognese she insists is her favourite food to remove specks of herbs, and even a tiny HINT of a tomato chunk.

1. Being the biggest bitch in the World to her adoring sister. My heart aches for my little one when she asks, with wide glowing eyes, if her elder sister would like to play with her, and DD1 turns with cold, black eyes and pauses before announcing flatly : "No. I don't like playing with you."

1. Begging for new toys, loving them for five minutes, then abandoning them to the dusty under-the-couch region we call "the deadzone".

Phew, that was cathartic as fuck. Would love to hear anyone else's.

Just the usual toddler stuff.

me "DD would you like a banana?"

dd: "want apple"

me: "really? I have a yummy banana, right here, you love bananas"

dd: "no banana, want APPLE want apple want apple"

me: find an apple, cut it up, present it.

dd: "want banana"

aaargh

Pooing in the bath! That took me back almost 30 years. Every time. Without fail. Apparently the warm water relaxed his bowel. He refused to poo in his potty.
The answer "I don't know" is a favourite at the moment. For everything.
Is it raining? "I don't know"
Look out the windows, will you need a jacket? "I don't know"
where is your.. ? "I don't know"
where did you leave your little brother? "I don't know"
Do you want a sweetie? "Yes"

My DS says 'mum' at the beginning of every sentence to me. I say 'there's only me here, stop saying mum', but he doesn't..... to think how happy I was the first time he said it.

The OPs DD is six, very many six year olds (eg. DD2) are very hard work. They are just realising they are individuals who don't need constant adult approval at the same moment school and parents want them to be more sensible.

They also are far better at using words, than thinking of the effect of what they say. They simply don't have the emotional intelligence to understand why scooting off or smart alec comments to adults or siblings are so annoying.

They simply don't get it, it's all too confusing and tantrums, better than any toddler, are not unknown.

Bunch of those things describe my son who has a processing issue/dyspraxia, doesn't mean it doesn't drive you nuts even though I know the reason.

Both my ds need a poo once I've settled into a lovely bath. Reason for not using the other loo? 'I really like spending time with you'. Arrgh!!!

NOBODY

EVER

CLOSES

THE

FUCKING

FRONT

DOOR

EVER

nice post I need some cathartic venting too.

When dd is really really rude to me but never to anyone else, especially barking simple statements which are meant as a prompt for me to do something for her. eg "MY CD FINISHED", or " I'VE FINISHED MY SNACK", I've tried asking her what's wrong with "please may you put another CD on for me?" or "can I have another snack please" but she always does the same thing next time

Running too far ahead and making me run after her like a wally before she reaches a road.

STILL having to wait with her until she falls asleep she's 4 ffs but I sort of blame myself for that one

The motherfucking pinching she's done since she was a baby as a comfort thing. never to anyone else just me.

That was good, cheers OP

OP DD2 will be exactly the same, she's just waiting her turn . . .

And to answer the OP
Said DD2(now 13) for rolling her eyes when asked to help and a total inability, still, to know when not to moan about trivial injustices that don't matter!

She also still hates most veg and she still picks out chunks of tomato or large bits of onion from pizza and pasta sauce.

DD1, not doing the last bits of sorting out her redecorate room, so it actually looks nice!

DTs (7) - assuming I have any interest in Minecraft. I thought DS was trying to tell me about school concerns as we walked up the road today. No, it was distress that his white horse would be eaten by a lion. Which was his sisters fault for some reason which baffles me.

DD's acerbic comments. Yesterday, in response to her twins complaints that she was winding him up - but I do hate him as a person. He howled.

I gave up on the running ahead when DD1 was 3, she always stopped (younger she was on reins).

My worry was DH forgetting that DD2, who generally held hands, was still totally dippy about roads until she was 8ish.

This is very confusing because DD1 is the scatty dyslexic and DD2 is the normally sensible (if awkward) one.

I thought my child was the only one who ignores his friends! Why do they do it, it makes NO sense at all.

Yy to the running off and not 'hearing' you. I sound like a banshee screaming down the street. I find standing there, refusing to move until they come all the back usually helps to halt this for a while. They hate having to drag themselves all the way back to you just to have to walk it again. And no my child does not have special needs because of this ffs.

Its also heartening to read that is seems to be common for the older sibling to not particularly like the adoring younger one. Dd adores DS and always happily lends him her stuff BT he can be so mean to her and it make me so sad.

ChutneyPig I feel your pain. DD2 is a massive Sims addict. At that sort of age she'd change from talking about real people to her Sims computer families mid sentence and wonder why I was totally

my dd used to blow past her friends at that age she grew up fine

my ds 1 does the mom? yes son mom? yes son mom? yes son then he starts to stutter i tell him okay stop start over take a breath okay mom?

ds 2 since he has gone into a front facing pushchair suddenly thinks i've disappeared calls me constantly and i have to answer every single time he also has this howl that starts off small and gets super load in a long drawn out yell

both the boys have no indoor voice

It makes me feel so old Elephants. I consider myself computer literate but I just don't understand. At all.

my dd also locks me in every fucking day she is 14 and ive told her for two years not to lock the second front door as its difficult for me to get pushchair and five year old out if i have to keep back and forthing with keys and door its easier for ME if the door is open and ds can open it for me and walk through the door

I love my DS 4 to pieces but my god he drives me up the wall frequently....his particular favourites at the moment include,

Non stop talking, literally he just doesn't even stop for breath. The voice just keeps going and going and god forbid you don't make the right noises back to him. He will just keep repeating the same nonsense over and over until you acknowledge the pointless bit of drivel he's just said.

Needing to do a poo mid way throug dinner every single day. I know he obviously can't help that starting dinner obviously kicks off his bowels but it would be nice to eat one meal without a toilet break.

Faffing around about everything. The amount of times he'll disappear off to 'get something' just as we're leaving the house...

Ah I do feel a bit better for that!

gordy I have the opposite problem- my DN (5) won't leave a door open. Ever. We've just bought a house and it frankly stinks, so we've been leaving doors and windows propped open to air it out. She follows us around slamming them shut hard enough to make the house rattle. She's locked herself out before, trapped her fingers in the door (twice in the same day!) and she still won't leave the bloody doors alone!

Absolutely pmsl at 'indoor voice' i need to implement this!!

Ds told dh off earlier for having his shoes on indoors. Well trained.

Mine have both done the offer up the wrong foot every single time thing, they know. Its a conspiracy. They teach it to them in this dial up "when you get out" lessons course they all have to do in the womb.

Till I lost my voice last week I didn't realise how mine start every conversation with "mummy?" to which you have to say "yes" before they continue. I'd just grown used to it. Then I lost my voice and realised that I'd been wasting valuable voice real-estate by saying "yes" 4354.2 times a day without realising.

My son hates tiding up and putting things away. Like really badly. He asked us to shoot him the other day so he could be dead instead of tidying up. He is 7 and wants to die rather than tidy up. That's not great is it.

DS1 and DD1 ignore friends too! So glad other peoples kids have these odd tendencies!

My main one is the exaggerated noise - All 4 - why the fuckity fuck do you have to cry/screech/yell as though you are being murdered so I come flying in from whatever important thing I was doing ready to save your ass from zombie intruders only to find out that a sibling has used your pencil??? WHY?!

A few days ago I called DH at work and told him his son is a fucking douche bag and he needs to sort him out or I am leaving!
'his son' is actually 'our son' and he is 2. but god dammit that kid drives me batty! the constant whinging, the destroying, the climbing, the ignoring, the crying, and then just as I am about press post on eBay to sell the fucker he does something so cute that I could cry for offering him to the general public with no reserve and free delivery!
The douche!

I feel so much better now :)

Ha! The ignoring of friends! I honestly thought it was just my DD (5). Leaving school is like some weird American-comedy dream sequence, with sweet little boys and girls running up from all over to say 'Bye, DD, see you tomorrow!' while she nonchalantly strolls on, giving them a disdainful glance if anything at all. I'm so embarrassed every day!

And to think I was so desperately anxious about her self-esteem and confidence a while ago. She esteems herself far too bloody much!

Wrt to the wrong foot thing, I did read something about this recently and how someone said it is automatic and they will always out the opposite one out. I'm sure it was someone like Einstein or Newton, someone along those lines but I've tried googling and i cant find it.

I also have to tell mine inside voice too. Just no need to be shouting!

YYY To that love that overwhelms you just when you can't take a minute more BabyDubs.

I love DS, so much I could burst. But at age 10;

He insists on talking to me when I'm taking a poo. It's like my nervous bowel relaxes and he gets a message come up on the Nintendo DS screen that means he must track me down and talk to me through the door, resulting in my nervous bowel shutting down and more constipation.

He has a box of treats he is allowed to have whenever he likes. He is sensible and doesn't abuse this or gorge himself. Just he will come in to 'check' he can have X. Yes DS, they are yours, we have had this system for 3 years. Eat the fucking biscuit already.

He also comes down/ wakes up to say goodnight about 10 times a night. This from the child who slept through from 4 months. Never be smug about a well sleeping child, they will still fuck your shit up sleepwise, they're just toying with you.

He sings on the toilet though, which is both mad and beautiful all at once. Also, every time I run him a bath, every single time since he could speak the words, he has thanked me for running him a lovely bath and thanked me for the bubbles.

Deakymom My son has an indoor voice, the caveat being that he only uses it outside, usually when there's lots of traffic etc so I end up asking him to repeat himself/speak up a million fecking times while he mumbles into his chest.

His 'outdoor voice' is exclusively reserved for use inside, when his baby brother is attempting a nap. Throttleable.