Things my kids do that drive me up the f-ing wall

[ThePerfectFather]

Just a list of things as the title says.

DD1 is nearly six. DD2, nearly 3, is an angel by comparison. This list is exclusively the preserve of DD1.

Feel free to add your own. I don't know if these are actually unreasonable because in that moment it FEELS like I am the only sane person in the World

1. Habitually coughing so that it sounds like I have a small malfunctioning steam engine in the room. Yes you had a cold last week, but nobody coughs like this "small cough, small cough, breathe, small cough, small cough, small cough, small cough" WHILST ALSO HAPPILY EATING MALTESERS. She doesn't have asthma, she did ballet an hour ago no problem, she's charging around like a maniac in the playground, but comes home and sits on the sofa and just does this stupid coughing thing.

1. Not answering her name until I've said it eighteen times. Even if I am sat next to her.

1. When scooting down the street and is rapidly disappearing into the middle distance : "Stop. Stop. DD1 STOP. STOP. STOOOOPPPPP. STOP NOW. STOP. STOP." Now I feel like an arsehole and people are turning around to see who the loudmouth Dad shouting as his kid is. Amazing how she can only hear me when she's almost a mile away but any closer than that and she's deaf as a post.

1. Failing to respond to her friends saying "hello" or "goodbye". "HI DD1!" they say with joy in their faces. She just calmly continues on her way. This is despite going home and drawing pictures for these kids and making "presents" for her "best friends". How come everyone else's kid seems to understand basic communication but it evades my eldest?

1. Insisting on getting dressed herself then when I go up to check on her after ten minutes, finding her naked admiring herself in the mirror. Get a f-ing move on, we're late for school now.

1. Thinking anything remotely related to vegetables are part of Satan's plan to conquer the World. This includes picking through a bolognese she insists is her favourite food to remove specks of herbs, and even a tiny HINT of a tomato chunk.

1. Being the biggest bitch in the World to her adoring sister. My heart aches for my little one when she asks, with wide glowing eyes, if her elder sister would like to play with her, and DD1 turns with cold, black eyes and pauses before announcing flatly : "No. I don't like playing with you."

1. Begging for new toys, loving them for five minutes, then abandoning them to the dusty under-the-couch region we call "the deadzone".

Phew, that was cathartic as fuck. Would love to hear anyone else's.

Please don't call your 6 year old daughter a bitch

And the guessing the words from the picture thing is an intelligent way of working out context. It's how languages are taught and it will be useful for her when she starts learning languages other than English at school.

DS is 3.9

1. Asking for something, and then when I say yes, asking for it again and again and again, even though I keep saying he can have it. Again and again and again.

1. Constantly fiddling with his bits. I know this is normal, but I find it perturbing as it's constant. Once, I turned away while dressing him and turned back to find he'd poked his entire genitalia over the top of his pants, and he then shouted, "ta-da!" complete with jazz hands.

1. Also ignores his nursery friends. Why he is invited to parties I don't know. He also regularly says he doesn't like them. They like him!

1. Pretending his life is crap. "Nobody likes me" - he is the most adored, pandered to child ever, by us and extended family. Normally this is utilised when he wants something ridiculous, and unfortunately the first couple of times I fell for it and went overboard reassuring him, so he knows it gets a reaction. "Nursery was horrible!" - I know from his daily book that he has had a lovely time baking, at the library, in the playground. "I played all by myself" - no you didn't! When I came to pick you up you were immersed in some random game called Cheeky Bum Bum with all your creepy little friends (who you deny). "My tummy hurts" - translation: buy me icecream. "You're hurting me!" - translation: you are trying to wipe the gunk off my face in public and I want to shame you.

On the plus side, most of the time he is adorable and loving, and can be very kind. And he likes broccoli.

Watching kids programme so and every fucking advert is I want that.

dd &ds .... I want never gets!!

DS 11- Cries and whines twice a day because he has to brush his teeth. He was in tears when we showed him what could happen to him if he doesn't, but still the constant reminding and arguing about teeth brushing. I don't understand. It's the same with changing undies and socks too. Gross

He will also not stop picking his nose and gag eats it..

He also is a friend ignorer. He is desperate for the kids to like him, why the heck are you ignoring the ones that do?!?!

DS 4- Stop jumping on my couch stop jumping on my couch FOR GOD'S SAKE stop jumping on the couch!! I should just have named him that and saved myself the time.

Howling and barking like a dog constantly. I love your imagination Kid, just stop being so ruddy loud about it.

Back talk is a new thing he is trying as well. "DS 4- stop doing that right now!" .... "You stop talking to me mommy." "Excuse me?!?" I feel like I'm arguing with a tiny teen girl. It's infuriating.

DD 2.6- "Mommy I want you!" " DD you are literally sitting on my head, how much more can I be with you?" This- constantly

She will not stop messing with my hair. She pulls it, eats it, twirls it, combs it.. I want to shave my head ( I would if I didn't have a weird bump on my scalp)

She eats anything- Play-doh, toilet paper, crayons, coins ect... Changing her diaper was like opening a gift. You never knew what you were going to find.

DS2 is now 20 and ticked most of those when he was younger, #6 is his favourite now. Apparently he still doesn't eat anything that is green or yellow, except sweet corn. At least at his age I can tell him that he is a pain in the backside and he can feed himself then.

Before he went to nursery all he would say was "that" and point, we got to the point that we saw our gp and were arranging to go and see someone as we were worried about his development. Then he went to nursery and there he was speaking whole sentences, the little B was just playing us but the staff wouldn't put up with it.

1. Constantly fiddling with his bits. I know this is normal, but I find it perturbing as it's constant. Once, I turned away while dressing him and turned back to find he'd poked his entire genitalia over the top of his pants, and he then shouted, "ta-da!" complete with jazz hands.

I know the constant fiddling must be annoying, the trouble is I'd just burst out laughing at the Jazz hands.

Four dc.

Eldest dd, 9. She has aspergers and I love the bones of her.

1. Must touch everything. Literally everything. Go to shops, must touch everything on the shelf.

1. Manages to break pretty much everything because she needs to touch it, inspect it, test it, kill it.

1. Forgets everything. Jackets, jumpers, shoes, bags. Everything.

1. Must get up and go to the toilet to do nothing every night despite having just been and been tucked into bed with a kiss goodnight. It's an anxiety thing I think.

1. Must dissect all food. Dislikes pretty much everything due to its textures.

1. Must interrupt me on the phone for menial things. Told her not to interrupt so now she stands there pulling weird faces and tugging my arm.

1. Is also the most loving girl that is really sensitive to my moods, cares loads about animals and is kind to everyone on the planet. Love her to pieces.

Dd 2, 8.

1. Lazyyyy. Really lazy! Would happily live in the same clothes forever. Takes stuff off and just leaves it wherever it falls.

1. Won't brush her hair properly but won't let me do it either.

1. Still appears incapable of remembering to flush the toilet.

1. Is a lovely, popular girl, can befriend anyone, takes care of her siblings, and younger children not related to her.

DS 1. 6.

1. Prone to yelling and slamming doors when he is told off.

1. Loves to spar with his younger brother and doesn't know when to stop.

1. Has an obsession with his willy and likes to point out when it is doing things that Willys do.

1. Has the couch thing and does a weird catch his breath thing too.

1. Is a very sensitive boy that generally loves to please, adores our pet hamster and is the sweetest boy to my best friends little girl toddler.

Ds2, 4

1. Stubborn! Likes his own way and isn't easily persuaded other wise.

1. Prone to shoving his brother and still hits on occasion

1. Can't have a bath without soaking the entire bathroom and myself.

1. Walks at a snails pace. In fact slower than a snail.

1. Is my baby really, still loves getting cuddles and kisses, still loves to hold my hand and tells me he is going to marry me when he grows up. Actually got very angry with a big issue seller when the guy jokingly called me a bad mum for letting ds have some chocolate. Ds shouted my mummy's not a bad mummy she's the best mummy in the world, you go away! And if I hadn't of caught him in time he would have hit the guy with his plastic toy

Obviously pointed out the error of his ways but was secretly touched.

Hampshire I told him very sternly that I did not want to see his private parts, tucked it ALL back in and ushered him into the sitting room.

I then spent 5 minutes laughing secretly in the bathroom. His presentation and comic timing really was spot-on.

I was just venting about this to a friend - mine walk through the small pile of dust crap that I have swept up before I get the dustpan. NO MATTER WHERE IT IS.

It seems to be a genuine accident but it drives me wild.

Also "other foot" is my catchphrase!

DD (8) does the ignoring friends thing, she also starts every sentence with 'mum?' then trails off to watch telly/play with something/do anything but speak to me and then come back with a 'mum?' again.

She insists on talking to me through bathroom door whilst I'm on the loo. It drives me mad (actually, I think there must be something magical about me being in the loo because the cats also follow me in there and if the female one can't get in, she'll run the length of the landing and take a flying kick at the door).

Over dramatic and quick to back chat. Inappropriate often. She also has a habit of making things out of teeny tiny bits of paper or plasticine and insists on keeping them. Forever.

Doesn't tidy her room. Ever. Never hangs her school uniform up. Forgets something every day (whether it's to be handed in or brought home). Half arsedly brushes her teeth (despite having an electric toothbrush), won't flush the loo after having a poo (is scared of the flush).

She's bloody gorgeous though.

Yesterday I was ill. So ill I went back to bed after drop off.
9:10 - phone call 'Mrs Moghedien, it's the play today - starts in 5, are you able to come?' Ran full pelt with a head full of horrible up to see DS be a Roman.

Still ill today. Trying to doze on couch.
Phone call 'Mrs Moghedien, it's the dentist visit today. Can you give verbal consent?

FFS DS! If you actually bring those little bits of ever so boring paper that don't interest you TO ME as asked by the teacher I'll have a fucking clue what's expected of me from the school.

Today after the dentist call I asked if anything else I needed to know. Parent's evening tomorrow.

ThePerfectFather Tue 07-Oct-14 07:55:28

2. When we're doing her reading, she cheats. Guesses the word from the picture. I cover up the pictures now with a piece of card, damn the teachers I'm going to force this child to READ, not be given massive hints. I can see her scanning the picture and then just taking a punt on each word.

Dd1,8

Picking through the bolognese/chilli/ casserole type food. If I eat it slowly enough I won't have to eat it.

Deigning to come down for dinner in her own time. Generally excruciatingly slow at getting ready or dressed.

If you loved me you would buy me a dog. Ad nauseum.

Talking at you when you are obviously busy, particularly about Minecraft. I lose the will to live.

Despite making us a poster about saving the planet leaves every light on, tap on etc. Leaves a trail of stuff wherever she's been. Tidy up behind you ffs.

Dd2, 4 has ds.

Stop climbing up me, particularly when I am crouched down and not balanced.

Demanding to read the same book, watch the same dvd a million times and won't take no for an answer. Resulting in said book/dvd being hurled at you or monumental temper tantrum.

Slamming doors. They are just not allowed to be open in this house.

Love them both to bits, though.

Oh yeah. Pooing in the bath too. Gross.

Here's one from this morning

Get up at silly o'clock and then spend the rest of the morning complaining that THEY are tired

If I started to list I would find it difficult to stop

DS2 has point blank refused to wear his coat this morning when it was pissing down. Standoff at the car, which I had to give in to when DS1 started beating up DS3 because of the waiting.

Fuck scooters!
Under no circumstances whatsoever have I ever been able to let them use them on the street, it's bad enough when they go round the garden slamming them into each other and swinging them at each other's heads

Never just getting into the car and putting on their seat-belts. Much faffing and farting accompanied by much shouting (by me) must occur before they can sit down and put their belts on. Every Single TIME!!!!

Re scooters, I have actually removed my younger DS from his scooter half way to school and left it by the side of the pavement (after warning him of my intention). Unfortunately it was still there in the afternoon so he got the damned thing back!

Re getting dressed in the morning, I have totally given up. It used to take an hour or more! Now I just get them dressed in their school uniform the night before and they sleep in it! In the morning I now have a cup of tea in bed which prepares me for the half an hour of screaming at them to put their shoes on. It would be too much to make them sleep in their shoes wouldn't it?

Oh and DS1 ignores friends who see him in the street, but is HIGHLY offended if he is ignored.

She may need a hearing test. My friend has twins and one of them was always unresponsive to the point of her getting quite cross with his behaviour. Turned out he needed gromits in his ears as he was not hearing to full capacity. It changed their lives for the better. fortunately this was before he started school in reception. Another friend had the same problem with her son but didn't do a hearing test till he was about 8, he also needed gromits. We were in a shop once and the assistant told her her son was like Damion from the Omen as he just used to stare oddly all the time ( before his gromit operation) and everyone thought he was just a bit wierd. He's fine now and a happy boy.

Surfsup that's a brilliant idea.
If you've ever seen cloudy with a hint of meatballs you could try spray on shoes that never need to come off.

Surfsup, that is a good idea! I sometimes sleep in my running clothes so that I'm not quite so unprepared when my alarm goes off at 6.15am

the slow walking - we are normally the last ones on the street after school which is 10 minutes walk but around 40 mins with my daughter

the constant need to refer to the person she is talking to by name even when there is no one else in the room

the inability to eat a meal in less then an hour so her food has gone stone cold and awful

the drama and attitude after I tell her off or god forbid try to keep her safe, she feel over yesterday after I told her not to balance on the wall then she told me she hated me as I had let her hurt herself, I apparently nearly killed her last week by asking her to wear her favourite dress which she then decided she hated and she constantly tells me I am horrible to her when she is naughty. My answer of 'well stop been naughty' just doesn't cut it.

Soonmeansnever - exactly the same here on both counts!