Things my kids do that drive me up the f-ing wall

[ThePerfectFather]

Just a list of things as the title says.

DD1 is nearly six. DD2, nearly 3, is an angel by comparison. This list is exclusively the preserve of DD1.

Feel free to add your own. I don't know if these are actually unreasonable because in that moment it FEELS like I am the only sane person in the World

1. Habitually coughing so that it sounds like I have a small malfunctioning steam engine in the room. Yes you had a cold last week, but nobody coughs like this "small cough, small cough, breathe, small cough, small cough, small cough, small cough" WHILST ALSO HAPPILY EATING MALTESERS. She doesn't have asthma, she did ballet an hour ago no problem, she's charging around like a maniac in the playground, but comes home and sits on the sofa and just does this stupid coughing thing.

1. Not answering her name until I've said it eighteen times. Even if I am sat next to her.

1. When scooting down the street and is rapidly disappearing into the middle distance : "Stop. Stop. DD1 STOP. STOP. STOOOOPPPPP. STOP NOW. STOP. STOP." Now I feel like an arsehole and people are turning around to see who the loudmouth Dad shouting as his kid is. Amazing how she can only hear me when she's almost a mile away but any closer than that and she's deaf as a post.

1. Failing to respond to her friends saying "hello" or "goodbye". "HI DD1!" they say with joy in their faces. She just calmly continues on her way. This is despite going home and drawing pictures for these kids and making "presents" for her "best friends". How come everyone else's kid seems to understand basic communication but it evades my eldest?

1. Insisting on getting dressed herself then when I go up to check on her after ten minutes, finding her naked admiring herself in the mirror. Get a f-ing move on, we're late for school now.

1. Thinking anything remotely related to vegetables are part of Satan's plan to conquer the World. This includes picking through a bolognese she insists is her favourite food to remove specks of herbs, and even a tiny HINT of a tomato chunk.

1. Being the biggest bitch in the World to her adoring sister. My heart aches for my little one when she asks, with wide glowing eyes, if her elder sister would like to play with her, and DD1 turns with cold, black eyes and pauses before announcing flatly : "No. I don't like playing with you."

1. Begging for new toys, loving them for five minutes, then abandoning them to the dusty under-the-couch region we call "the deadzone".

Phew, that was cathartic as fuck. Would love to hear anyone else's.

The scooter thing is awful. Either they're saying their legs are tired And trailing behind or zooming off as you describe. I must say though I am pretty much zero tolerance on this one and have threatened to throw the scooter away if they don't stop (I've meant it an' all).

Dd1 (5) and her constant moody backchat drives me nuts. She completely ignores me until I shout her name 10 times then I get 'whaaatttt' screamed at me and a look that could kill.

Whining for the tablet every waking hour.

Whining because dd2 (15mo) took something that she absolutely needs to have right there and right now.

Up and down stairs ten times at night to piss about in the bathroom

Forgetting school jumpers every single day. I'm glad I bought 6.

I love her to bits though

Re: comments about the op being a bit negative, has anyone ever seen any Louis CK? He's an American comedian and the way he describes his two little girls is shocking and irreverent, but also hilarious! I hope we're all adults here and can describe our kids for being the little bastards that they are ( sometimes) whilst knowing that it's tongue in cheek?

The scooter! That brings back memories! I ALWAYS ended up carrying it and my ankles were black and blue as they are designed to swing about and cripple you. But if I decided to scooter on it child would immediately want it back and then scoot off towards the nearest traffic black spot with me hobbling and screaming after him in vain. Happy days.
Currently ds2, 10 just likes to wobble my upper arms in public and giggle hysterically.

I think some of the comments on here have gone past the point of calling the OP a 'bit negative' (that's not a criticism of what you have written Charity). The guy is just letting out his frustration and has been accused of disliking his daughter. You can love a person, but dislike some of their behaviour.

All of OP's points sound like perfectly normal 6yo behaviour to me and OP's reaction to them sound normal too. Remember, he's saying this stuff on an anonymous forum, not to his child's face.

DTs (5) both do the ignoring friends thing on the way to school - so embarrassing. I compensate by waving and smiling madly whilst hissing 'say hello to x'.

DT2 also shouts ALL THE TIME. It makes me want to hide somewhere and drink gin.

SoonMeansNever My 2.5yo DD does that too! And if I deign not to answer her because I have had enough I have my face pulled around.
She also has set phrases that need repeating back to her or she will scream them at me until I do.

Oh there are so many things that annoy me, and exhaust me. I cannot keep up with DD, my DSs were so easy in comparison to this little whirlwind!

In response to the negativity, it's obviously intended to be lighthearted.
Just because our kids frustrate the hell out of us, doesn't mean we don't love them. I love my DD so much, but I could run away in a heartbeat some days!

And YY to 'no, the other foot' EVERY. SINGLE. DAMN. TIME!

Oh I think one of my main frustrations at the moment is the way DD will ask for something, then refuse it asking for something else, then refuse that and want the first thing! At least 3x a day, every day!

Twin DSs frustrate me, because no matter how many times I tell them not to, they still spoil DD, letting her get her own way, giving her their toys if she asks, just in general letting her walk all over them. It's so sweet because they all adore eachother, but she gets huffy because I won't let her pull it with me.
She is so bossy, and they just do as she says.
For example DS1 was sat on the sofa with DS2 happily watching TV, and she told him (not asked) to move, so he did and sat on the floor!
Everyone just tells me IABU and that it's sweet, which yes, it is, but only to a certain extent

I'd take my ds a million times over my stupid STUPID husband. My darling husband has pissed me off to the point of tears twice today. I don't get any of that shit of ds.

charitybelle Louis CK is my favourite comedian ever, I love him! He says the stuff that everyone thinks but we're not allowed to say

I want a apple

I want a drink

I want a TV on

I want crisps

I want that ball

I want to go out

I want to come in

I want her (Lil sis) outta the way

I want food

I want a poo

I want to play puzzles

all freaking day long every day I WANT I WANT I WANT

Bedtime is my big one at the moment. DTS age 5 are fine - go to bed no problem. DS3, nearly 3 is a nightmare.

We put him to bed. If we don't sit in or outside his room, he just roams about upstairs, running the taps and inching down the stairs. If I forget to lock our bedroom door, he plays with my make up . He will cry sometimes, but it's an attention cry. There's nothing wrong. He just likes to wind me up.

Last night I sat outside his door reading (in the dark!) for nearly two hours while he peeped round the door every minute or so. Infuriating.

I'm with you Op, all the way...

Dcs aged 4 and 2 drive me around the bend and back again.

4yo 'hates' 2yo, she adores him. N breaks my heart when she's being lovely to him and he says she just stinks and he hates her.

2yo wants to ' help' with everything. Of course her version of help is anything but.

I'm at the near end of a very long day with all 3 on my own and i am counting down the miliseconds. Wine poured, crappy ready meal at the ready, am keeping all my fingers and toes crossed that the 3 of them go off to bed and leave me the F alone for just one bloody hour before the night feeds begin :-(

OP your mistake was obviously not putting LIGHTHEARTED in the title

YYY to the spaghetti bloody bolognese and the evil tomato chunks.

And every sentence starting "mummy mummy mummy mummy" so I have to stop whatever I'm doing just to acknowledge even the most nonsensical banality because I think it's going to be something important. If only they could learn to filter their announcements to use "mummy" only for the ones that actually warrant a reply.

My 6yo does the ignoring friends thing. It drives me mad.

4yo does this:

'Mummy?'

'Yes dd?'

Silence for at least 2minutes

'Mummy?'

'Yes?'

Silence

'Mummy?'

'What is it dd?'

Silence

'Mummy?'

'WHAAAAT?!'

Head explodes.

Ha! OP, I thought you might be my DH until I got to your points about vegetables/playing with sibling/toys. But all of the other above points apply here too, except the cough, but I could offer you persistent sniffing instead on that one.

Also - never stopping talking ever, eating sooooooooooo sloooooooooooooowly we could well be at the table forever (combined with the incessant talking, this infuriates me), never listening to an answer so asking over and over again, picking nose and eating it!!! and using an appalling babyish voice/accent for no reason whatever and being horrendously bossy. Gah.

But YY to the amazing facts about space and the world and deep thoughts about weird things and being all-round awesome (apart from the annoying habits/constant need for attention). I know I have less patience for this stage - I could weather a toddler tantrum but the seemingly wilful behaviour does my head in too.

(And yes, another Louis CK fan here too!)

No.5 My DD is 4 and does this. Every morning. You mean to say I have another 2 years of this?

Mine is...taking bloody ages to walk anywhere, especially school, as DD has to stop a million times on the way there to pick berries, leaves or sticks, find snails/slugs, pet any cats we happen to walk past, stop to look at spider webs etc etc

it's amazing we get anywhere on time!

My 6 yo dd has this annoying weird habit of imagining that she has said something and then freaking out 5 mins later when she gets no response e.g. She's in watching telly and I'm pottering away in the room and then all of a sudden she has a mini meltdown because I didn't get her black currant drink. I point out that she hasn't spoken for at least 15 mins but she swears blind she asked me??

TreeMugger Yes! I have one of those too. SO POINTLESSLY ANNOYING. [foams at mouth].

ive just come in to read this thread after sitting in the bedroom feeding dd
and listening to DS full volume and no tune 'singing' the duck song and twinkle twinkle little star. Apparently simultaneously. and filling in the bits he doesnt know with 'Dlah blah blah' I cant even work out how he is still breathing, its just this constant tuneless NOISE....

oh, cathartic thread!

I find it really funny when mine does that!

Mummy?

Yes?

Muuuuuuummy?

Yeeeeeeeeeeees?

MMMAAAMMMMYYYYYY??

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES????

Etc.

At the moment, my DS will say

"mummy, say Jasmine"

So I say Jasmine.

He says "no, not like that...say Jasmine?" So I say "Jasmine?"

"Yes?"

Then I have to think of something to say.....

Then he says "Mummy, say your highness?" And starts all over again, at least 10 times a day!!!

Won't answer to his own name, only Jasmine.....!!!!

At the moment my 3 year old is great at:

Taking an hour to eat a small plateful of beans on toast. She has to scrunch the toast up into mush and squash it around, move beans from one side of the plate to the other, and generally arse about with food.

Getting all her toys out 'to play with'. She is told that what she gets out must be put away. It takes ten minutes to get everything out. It's taken an hour so far to put away a quarter of the toys.

Throwing herself on the floor dramatically and sobbing pitifully because she can't have a story tonight.

Doing this same thing every bloody night.

I was just about to say someone will mention the possibility of special needs but I see iIm too late! FFS..if you can't come on here to vent about being a parent where can you go?!,
With my SDs I got:
Pretending to have a lisp
Not picking feet up, so sliding along floors
Only ever drinking half a can of pop ( yes I gave them cans of pop!)
Sniffing..constant bloody sniffing