Things my kids do that drive me up the f-ing wall

[ThePerfectFather]

Just a list of things as the title says.

DD1 is nearly six. DD2, nearly 3, is an angel by comparison. This list is exclusively the preserve of DD1.

Feel free to add your own. I don't know if these are actually unreasonable because in that moment it FEELS like I am the only sane person in the World

1. Habitually coughing so that it sounds like I have a small malfunctioning steam engine in the room. Yes you had a cold last week, but nobody coughs like this "small cough, small cough, breathe, small cough, small cough, small cough, small cough" WHILST ALSO HAPPILY EATING MALTESERS. She doesn't have asthma, she did ballet an hour ago no problem, she's charging around like a maniac in the playground, but comes home and sits on the sofa and just does this stupid coughing thing.

1. Not answering her name until I've said it eighteen times. Even if I am sat next to her.

1. When scooting down the street and is rapidly disappearing into the middle distance : "Stop. Stop. DD1 STOP. STOP. STOOOOPPPPP. STOP NOW. STOP. STOP." Now I feel like an arsehole and people are turning around to see who the loudmouth Dad shouting as his kid is. Amazing how she can only hear me when she's almost a mile away but any closer than that and she's deaf as a post.

1. Failing to respond to her friends saying "hello" or "goodbye". "HI DD1!" they say with joy in their faces. She just calmly continues on her way. This is despite going home and drawing pictures for these kids and making "presents" for her "best friends". How come everyone else's kid seems to understand basic communication but it evades my eldest?

1. Insisting on getting dressed herself then when I go up to check on her after ten minutes, finding her naked admiring herself in the mirror. Get a f-ing move on, we're late for school now.

1. Thinking anything remotely related to vegetables are part of Satan's plan to conquer the World. This includes picking through a bolognese she insists is her favourite food to remove specks of herbs, and even a tiny HINT of a tomato chunk.

1. Being the biggest bitch in the World to her adoring sister. My heart aches for my little one when she asks, with wide glowing eyes, if her elder sister would like to play with her, and DD1 turns with cold, black eyes and pauses before announcing flatly : "No. I don't like playing with you."

1. Begging for new toys, loving them for five minutes, then abandoning them to the dusty under-the-couch region we call "the deadzone".

Phew, that was cathartic as fuck. Would love to hear anyone else's.

Surfsup1 do you really let your kids sleep in their uniform at night ?
Apart from hygiene issues the uniform would be creased and look scruffy ??

I lost it at "tiny Typhoid Mary"

Ds2 (3) loves to crawl into my lap to cough. Loud phlegmy coughs, an inch from my face, then look at me, all proud. I tell him, "Hand! Cover your mouth!" and he covers his mouth.. with my hand.
He once came in from the other room, wiped his snotty nose on my trouser leg then wandered back off to play. Love him to bits though.

Ds1 (5) "muuuuuu, mum, mum, muuuuuuuuuuuuum, er... I forgot." x 1000.
"Muuuuuuuuuuuuum, mum, mum, mum, muuuum, can I have a snack, I promise I'll never ever nag you again!" I give him a snack, he finishes, immediately nags for another. (to be fair, I would do the same!)
Also, if I go for a wee or god forbid a poo all I can hear is heavy breathing outside the door and tiny fingers scrabbling at the lock. "What are you doing? Are you having a wee? Are you finished? Have you got a penis? Why not? How do you wee? Are you finished? Mum? I need a poo! Are you doing a poo? Have you got lost? Mum? Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!"

Oh, and both children, and dh. "Where's the pen?" Me - "look for yourself" "I can't seeeee it!" Me - "look, it's right there, by your foot." "what foot" "Just look by your foot!" "I can't see it!" "IT"S RIGHT THERE!!" "Where!" etc etc.

Now I just tell them a brontosaurus ate it, tough luck.

um, not very nice OP. and you go on to call your dd a bitch. Sorry, agree that it comes across that you don't seem to like her very much. Sad.

God, just read it properly. Horrible. "How come everyone else's kid seems to understand basic communication but it evades my eldest?" and "Yes you had a cold last week, but nobody coughs like this "small cough, small cough, breathe, small cough, small cough, small cough, small cough" WHILST ALSO HAPPILY EATING MALTESERS. She doesn't have asthma, she did ballet an hour ago no problem, she's charging around like a maniac in the playground, but comes home and sits on the sofa and just does this stupid coughing thing. ". Nasty. Just nasty. Not normal to write such a scathing post about your daughter, you need to ask yourself why you clearly dislike her so much you felt prompted to post about her. I hope it doesn't come across to her how you feel but I suspect it will. Awful.

pinterestcherries

you're about 100 posts too late. Most other people seem to be able to take this thread as it was intended and even add annoying things that their children do. Save your drugstore psychology.

Cherry - I totally get that this was supposed to be funny and have enjoyed threads like this in the past, but the op made me very uncomfortable in its unpleasantness and singling out of one child. If it was intended to be funny, I missed the humour in calling your daughter a bitch and starting a thread about how much everything she does from coughing to talking annoys you. Save your eye rolling.

Haha cherry have you even got kids?
If you have then they must be absolute angels for you to not 'get' the point of this thread. In which case I say lucky you!

If you don't have them then I say get lost dear and come back when you've been kept awake for 3 weeks straight by a new baby, had to constantly referee fractious toddlers during school holidays or spent the whole day hearing nothing but whine whine whine whine whine.....

Yep, I have five kids, maninawomansworld, a range of ages and of both sexes. They bug me a lot sometimes. Regularly offload to my friends and family about them and have a laugh at the things they do and say. Would never start a thread about just one of them with such unpleasant undertones and calling one of them a bitch, though. Just nasty, not funny.

PS Man, you come back when you've dealt with a three year old that hasn't slept through the night since birth alongside a hormonal angry teenager, newborn that sleeps for two hours max and a hyper twelve year old. Save your patronising tone for those with less parenting experience than you, perhaps.

DD1 sings frozen songs. All the time. BUT She Gets The Words Muddled. So I find myself simultaneously wanting to scream at her to shut up but also correct her!

ExMrs - I most certainly do. They are only little, so hygiene really isn't an issue yet, and their school uniform is a non-iron type and extraordinarily forgiving. Obviously I wouldn't do it it they were wearing an actual shirt or something.

NinetyNine I eagerly await the development of spray on shoes IRL. That would solve the dressing problem as well as the tidying away problems!!

PS Man, you come back when you've dealt with a three year old that hasn't slept through the night since birth alongside a hormonal angry teenager, newborn that sleeps for two hours max and a hyper twelve year old. Save your patronising tone for those with less parenting experience than you, perhaps

I don't mean this in a mean way, but I think this 100% explains the humour-failure.
Can someone please get Pintrest a

well i thought it was funny

reminds me of the first part of this

Not closing the car door when they get out so I have to walk round the whole car closing every door.

Also the Mummy, yes, mummy, yes, MUMMY! I ALREADY SAID YES WHAT???? thing

Not being able to see anything they have 'lost' even when it is exactly where I said it was, under their nose.

DS age 4 likes to sit on the toilet FOR HOURS. So we have this conversation on repeat "are you finished?" "No!" Eventually I go and haul him off there and he complains his legs have stuck to the seat. He used to do it at nursery too. Drives me round the bend.

lol i thouht i was alone

i hate kids channels with the constant advertisement for toys my dd constantly stays "i want that" and if you don't answer with a yes it gets so high pitched the dog does a runner. heaven forbid i get on my hands and knees to clean something shes like a ninja and before i know it shes on my back like im a donkey shouting yeehaaaa!!! shes 5 and she slams doors when things dont go her way which is quite often because she wants me to go toys r us for a unicorn or for the builders up the road to build a big pink castle for her to live in! she is amazing thought and extremely gentle and loving when my grandad passed away i remember being really upset and she rubbed my back cuddled me and said dont worry mommy you will always have me. xx