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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow this "man" to see my daughter!

127 replies

emmalouise1091 · 02/10/2014 05:12

Hello. I'm currently 25w pregnant and my ex left me about 2 weeks ago. He is now madly in love with another girl. His soul mate as he puts it. I phoned him this evening to ask if we wants to be a part of the babies life. His response was 'I need time to think about it, I'll let you know in about two weeks'

Basically am I being unreasonable to think that's the final straw. He's not being anywhere near her. He's done nothing at all to help prepare for the baby and is only interested in his new love.

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 02/10/2014 05:14

Would you want him back???

Original poster
emmalouise1091 · 02/10/2014 05:17

No I would never be in a relationship with him again. He's caused far too much pain.

OP posts:
TanteRose · 02/10/2014 05:17

don't think she is asking if she should take him back, but he certainly has a responsibility to his child, and I don't think the OP should let him off the hook.

having said that, he is a complete shit of a man, and so YANBU if you just want to break all ties

TanteRose · 02/10/2014 05:19

you poor thing Sad

he does have a responsibility though, financially as much as anything to contribute to the upbringing of his daughter

Booboostoo · 02/10/2014 05:29

He sounds like a prize pillock but unfortunately this prize pillock is your DD's father. I don't think you have as much choice as you would like, if he wants contact he would get it unless you can prove he would be a danger to your DD. Equally though he has financial obligations towards your DD whether he likes it or not.

Original poster
emmalouise1091 · 02/10/2014 05:31

I know he would never try! It would aways be me chasing him to see her. He said he has no 'bond' with her and she's just a baby who happens to be his. He has turned into the most evil person in literally a few weeks!

OP posts:
NinjaLeprechaun · 02/10/2014 05:35

Unless he's abusive (and not just a shithead) it's not up to you to decide whether or not your child has a relationship with her father.
Sorry if that comes across as too blunt, but it's a question that hits close to home for me.

neiljames77 · 02/10/2014 05:37

Does his "soul mate " know the full situation?

Original poster
emmalouise1091 · 02/10/2014 05:39

Neil - I think she knows I'm pregnant but I'm not sure what else.

OP posts:
Finola1step · 02/10/2014 05:42

It might be best to stop all forms of contact at the moment. Or ensure that any contact is by email so that you have written evidence. Inform him when the baby is born and also inform CSA (if it still exists).

You can not force a father to be involved in their baby's life and it sounds like you wouldn't want to. Let the relevant agencies deal with the financial side. Get some legal advice regarding the father's name on the birth certificate.

From the sounds of it, he doesn't want to be involved. But if he starts chopping and changing his mind, be very clear that you will be happy to go to mediation or to court to sort out a proper contact order.

Do not accept this man bouncing in and out of your life as he chooses. I have a feeling he might try it. The "give me two weeks" smacks of him keeping you on the back burner in case it all falls apart with his new girl friend.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Flowers

neiljames77 · 02/10/2014 05:55

I don't think the CSA as such exists anymore. I think a few different things were just merged into the inland revenue. His salary will have maintenance taken out automatically.

deakymom · 02/10/2014 06:27

you will have to ask him to make a contribution these days or pay the csa to do it for you most people decided its not worth it (we can't afford to pay bailiff fees and court costs etc which comes out of your share of the money but you will have to pay it if it goes over unfair but wtfcud) if he really wants nothing to do with the baby i don't suppose you can get him on the birth certificate either unless your married he needs to agree and sign

UncleT · 02/10/2014 08:24

What a bastard.

HamishBamish · 02/10/2014 09:11

He'll 'let you know in 2 weeks'! What a sod.

Sadly, as others have already said, he's your baby's father and as such should have contact with your child unless he's a danger.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 02/10/2014 09:17

If he wishes to have a relationship with her, then unless she is at physical/emotional harm from him then you must facilitate it.

However, I would leave him well alone and let him do all the running (aside from you pursuing csa/maintenance).

If he chooses not to get in touch to ask about scans / birth / registration / access then thats his bad. No way would I be chasing him for anything except financial support.

Branleuse · 02/10/2014 09:19

no way and Dont put him on the birth certificate whatever you do

BarbarianMum · 02/10/2014 09:22

I think it's quite common for men not to bond with a baby before birth (although that doesn't make him less of a dickwad in other ways).

I think he should definitely be expected to contribute financially towards his daughter's upkeep - it is literally the least he can do.

As for the contact, I suggest you invite him to meet her when she's newborn. If he does, and falls in love and pulls it together enough to be a regular presence in her life, then I think you should let him. Not your job to chase him to see her, or to allow him to waltz in and out of her life though.

BarbarianMum · 02/10/2014 09:23

YY to this

Bigoleheffer · 02/10/2014 09:26

I don't buy it's the fathers right approach. I would leave all contact. Get in touch with the CSA immediately and if he wants a relationship with his child then that's a bonus. I know his type only too well. I suspect unless you do all the running (and even then you'll be flogging a dead horse) he won't give a shiney shit. You're well and truly rid and you will meet someone fabulous in time. Your child will have you and it will likely be a blessing that this pond life has gone. What an arse.

AuntieStella · 02/10/2014 09:28

"Basically am I being unreasonable to think that's the final straw."

No, not unreasonable at all.

Do not put this man on the birth certificate. Do not hang around waiting on his timetable.

You will however need to sort out maintenance and contact in due course. Perhaps a short reply now telling his that, and that you expect a proper discussion at the appropriate time?

And then you can decide when that time is, in the interests of your baby.

Hmmmwhatnow · 02/10/2014 09:31

Not a popular view but while you can't actively block access I wouldn't be chasing it and as part of that I wouldn't be trying to get financial support either.

Let him fade away, your child is better never knowing a father than knowing one who doesn't care.

Only go for financial support if he does want access.

Lucyccfc · 02/10/2014 09:31

Let's look at this from the child's perspective and not a an angry Mothers point of view.

Clearly this man is a complete shit and hasn't treated you well, but being vindictive won't help your child.

Please think of your child - how do you think they will feel when their owns fathers name isn't on the birth certificate. How will they feel when they from older knowing that their mother stopped their father from seeing them because Mum was pissed off that he left her for someone else?

Ok, he is a dickhead and may never be a part of his child's life, but it's not your decision to make no matter how pissed off you are.

Branleuse · 02/10/2014 09:35

lots of children dont have their fathers name on the BC these days. Its really not a stigma anymore. If you put his name on the BC, he basically has the right to tell you you cant move away too far, You cant change his name, He would have legal rights that he does not deserve

AuntieStella · 02/10/2014 09:38

Putting him on the BC confers parental responsibility and that can make life complicated, as he will then legally have a say in many aspects of that child's life. That may not be a good arrangement.

A child can know who their father is without it being in one specific legal document.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 02/10/2014 09:42

You can't stop him from seeing the baby and forming a relationship with her or him - that is your child's right.

However, you don't have to run around and facilitate the process either. Keep contact up by email, leave the door ajar and leave him to open it himself - which he won't do.