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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow this "man" to see my daughter!

127 replies

emmalouise1091 · 02/10/2014 05:12

Hello. I'm currently 25w pregnant and my ex left me about 2 weeks ago. He is now madly in love with another girl. His soul mate as he puts it. I phoned him this evening to ask if we wants to be a part of the babies life. His response was 'I need time to think about it, I'll let you know in about two weeks'

Basically am I being unreasonable to think that's the final straw. He's not being anywhere near her. He's done nothing at all to help prepare for the baby and is only interested in his new love.

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 03/10/2014 00:34

If a birth certificate didn't give him parental rights it would be fine to put him on there, but with a wanker like this he will be all too keen to enforce his rights but very reluctant to bother with any of his responsibilities. The less legal rights he has, the better. Any he does get, make them as difficult and costly to get as possible.

Ninja then one day she will grow up and realise why her mother protected her, as best she could, from him & his selfish ways.

MexicanSpringtime · 03/10/2014 00:58

My step sister does not have her father named on her birth certificate and it is a source of pain for her

Well I suppose everyone is different, my dd has never complained about not having her df on her birth certificate. It is certainly not just a piece of paper, you will be giving him parental rights, which could affect everything in your own and your child's life until they are eighteen. If you don't put him on the birth certificate, you can then choose what rights you give him, depending on how good a parent he is. Children do like to know their fathers, even the shitty ones, but at least you can protect her if he continues to be a creep

NinjaLeprechaun · 03/10/2014 01:16

Ninja then one day she will grow up and realise why her mother protected her, as best she could, from him & his selfish ways.
Or maybe, 20 or 40 years down the road when it's much too late to change anything, she will regret her decision. Her daughter might understand why she did it, but that doesn't mean that she won't also regret it.
I speak from experience. In my opinion it's just not worth it.

On the other hand, my younger sister had the other kind of father - the kind who's there sometimes, maybe, when he feels like it - and while her relationship with him wasn't fantastic, at least she had a relationship with him even as an adult.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 03/10/2014 01:25

Sorry to say this about the father of your child, but what a horrible horrible man. Walking out on someone who is pregnant., okay when I had d.d I was a single mum through choice (had my reasons). You owe him nothing, and if I were here ("Soul mate") I wouldn't be all smug, he'll probably get her pregnant and leave her, too.
The government along with some members of society are too quick to judge single parents, yet for some unknown reason. I never hear them be critical of the absent parent.
Congratulations by the your exciting impending arrival. You and your daughter do not need someone like him. Do you have a strong support network i.e family and friends.
Oh and in answer to your question.. No you are most certainly N.B.U

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 03/10/2014 01:26

Her not her. (Mumsnet H.Q wish we could edit these posts)

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 03/10/2014 01:28

I did it afreeekingain (Here not here.)

Inertia · 03/10/2014 06:56

You don't have to push for him to have contact at all. He is a fully grown adult who can get in touch with you to make contact arrangements - you're not his mother.

Don't put him on the birth certificate. You can't anyway unless heis there at the time, and you would be foolish to give him that degree of control over you.

If he actively seeks contact with the baby and is not abusive then you should facilitate that , according to the needs of the baby. Don't chase him for it though.

Original poster
emmalouise1091 · 03/10/2014 07:08

He was never physically abusive but very mentally abusive. My mum believes very strongly he has a personality disorder such as narcissism.

OP posts:
FuckOffFerret · 03/10/2014 08:35

Great post , MiscellaneousAssortment. We seem to set the bar so incredibly low for fathers and lower each time they fail. Why is that? If a mother had done the same thing and came on MN saying she wanted access she'd be told where to go I'm sure.

Do we really think so little of fathers that we jump through hoops to give them access to their children?

Chunderella · 03/10/2014 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boomeranggirl · 03/10/2014 09:13

It had already been pointed out about half a dozen times when you wrote this that OP won't be able to put him on the BC if he doesn't want to be on it, so this advice is based on a misunderstanding of what actual power she has in this situation. RTFT. But even apart from that, it's complete and total shit. A birth certificate is not simply a record of parentage- it just isn't. It confers parental responsibility, and a holder of this can use it to cause considerable disruption in the life of a child if they so wish. As such, not only are short term legal issues actually a justifiable reason for withholding, but actually they are much more important than anything else here. It is actively irresponsible to allow a person whom you know to be unsuitable to have parental responsibility if there is anything you can do to prevent it.

Just because you don't agree with that point of view doesn't make it shit advice. Everyone has a right to express different opinions with being abused by other posters. I think she did read the thread just gave an opinion based on her own circumstances.

Just to add another point to consider how are you going to claim child maintenance if he isn't registered as the father?

misc you've been through so much, have read your posts before and been amazed by your strength so totally understand where you are coming from. But what worries me is people playing fast and loose with the rights of their child because they are in dispute with the father and therefore easily gain the legal upper hand by excluding him because its too much hassle. Despite people thinking that this doesn't happen, it does.

Caterpillarmum · 03/10/2014 09:17

Should have been 'without' being abused.

Stripyhoglets · 03/10/2014 09:28

If it is in the child's best interests to have contact with an absent father then that is what should happen, when contact is not in the best interests of the child for any reason then there should be no contact. Unfortunately at this stage it's hard to judge what will be the outcome for your DD. As others have advised, do not put him on the birth certificate or give her his name even if he promises you the moon in the end. I would not chase him for anything else now, but would go for financial support if he is working. I would explain clearly that you have seen him let his other child down and not be bothered with her and you will not let him do this to your dd, if he wants contact with her then he needs to show ongoing commitment to her.

Chunderella · 03/10/2014 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/10/2014 09:29

Definite don't put him on the birth certificate. You don't want to give him parental responsibility which would give him as much right as you to make decisions about your baby. If you are married he will get parental responsibility automatically anyway but not if you aren't.

As others have said you wouldn't be able to put his name on the birth certificate unless:
(a) you are married to him, or
(b) he was present to register the birth.

You'll still be able to claim maintenance through the Child Support Agency even if he's not named on the birth certificate (although he may ask for a DNA test to prove he's the father).

Stripyhoglets · 03/10/2014 09:30

You don't need them on the birth cert to claim maintenance. If he disputes he's the dad he has to have a DNA test. If he is not on the birth cert he woUld have to apply to court for parental responsibility. If he is on the vert then he has it automatically. Not being on the cert doesn't mean OP will never tell her Dd who her dad is, it just means he has less ability to make life difficult for the OP.

Caterpillarmum · 03/10/2014 09:36

Damn posted too soon! fat fingers suck!!

Was going to say 'should have been without being abused surely!!!' Confused

Actually chunderella I did read the thread thanks! Just because other people raised other points doesn't mean I can't express an alternative viewpoint based on my own family experience.

The Op has said that her ex is taking time to think about the situation, which means he may decide he wants to be on the birth certificate or he may not. Needs to be considered. If he doesn't, fine his loss. If he does she needs to think about it and consider all options not just a knee jerk one based on current situation.

Chunderella · 03/10/2014 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

naty1 · 03/10/2014 10:03

I think the fact he has only made it through 5m of pg doesn't give a lot of hope for 18yrs of a child's life.

If he has to decide about being in baby's life he is likely to decide later he cant be bothered.

No need for baby to see BC until say 18.

People can get upset about/hung up on all sorts of things worrying about a child being upset possibly that dad isnt named on BC you would worry about every little thing.

Should i worry that DC doesnt like that im not married to her Dad?

Op I would just say to DC that about 1/10 dads named on BC are not biological dads, so its not that accurate.

I think what i wouldnt like is the implication you dont know who the Dad is or arent sure. But im sure they would understand once you explained.

naty1 · 03/10/2014 10:06

In usa say you apparently cant leave the country without agreement from the father so that can have huge implications.
Would you want to be stuck in a country for the sake of a piece of paper?

Caterpillarmum · 03/10/2014 10:30

Chunderella I'll try to answer your ongoing objections to my posts.

I am by no means saying the OP would be an unfit mother if he isn't on the birth certificate. You are over reaching there. Sometimes that is unavoidable. In this instance if he decides he doesn't want to be a part of his baby's life then the OP cannot force him to be on the birth certificate as a. They are not married and b. it is unlikely that he would turn up to the registration appointment anyway. In which case he quite rightly gets no parental rights.

If however he comes to his senses and stops acting like a tool (highly unlikely but you never know) and decides he wants to take a full and active role in his child's life, then yes if he wants to be named on the birth certificate then I think he should be. The legal implications are: he could apply for passport, has the right to take child overseas, apply for custody and have an equal say in the child's up bringing. Yes he could go to court to stop them moving if the OP wanted to and could get court ordered access. He could also take his child to the doctor and sign consent forms for medical, psychological or educational assessments. So yes the OP might have her decisions challenged by her ex through the court and have to deal with ongoing legal issues but surely that's what the court system is for - to sort out legal disputes? If and I say if with skepticism, he suddenly becomes a fully engaged parent he shouldn't have his rights or those of the child over ruled.

Yes i stand by short term, the child will only be a child for 18 years. The birth certificate lasts for the rest of her life and as I said can have an emotional impact. I'm not saying for everyone btw,as above sometimes this situation is unavoidable and probably will be in this case.

What I think is wrong is immediately saying don't name him on the birth certificate and you'll then have total legal control without knowing the OPs full situation. Which we will never do as the Internet only gives a snap shot of someone's life. There could be whole other side to this story. Which is why I think all viewpoints are valid as food for thought, we can't tell the OP what to do.

Did I miss anything that you raised chunderella?

PollyIndia · 03/10/2014 13:01

Thank god for chunderella.
I are you have corrected your earlier posts caterpillar mum but really - the whole birth certificate thing really is a red herring. If he wants to be on, not sure you can avoid it. If he doesn't, then you can't put him on. I got pregnant accidentally by an ex. Left and went travelling to India and 2 months later realised. My ex was an arse about it (there are old threads on here about that!). I took him to counselling to help him understand why I was not going to terminate (he was putting me under a lot of pressure). We left the counselling amicably, I text him to see if he wanted to come to a scan and I haven't heard from him since. Ds is 2 next week. I text him once more when I had the baby to say it was a boy but that is all I can do. I don't want money from him,
I am not angry with him and actually selfishly, I am glad he made the decision he did as my life is easier this way. I have never been happier by the way. However if he turned up tomorrow and wanted to be involved, I would have to try and make it work. And when ds asks about him (actually even before he does), I will tell him that he was a good man who was not ready to be a dad.
I have no idea if that is the right thing to do but I will never bad mouth him to ds. He can make his own mind up in time.
Anyway, I would leave it. Get on with your pregnancy and let him come
To you. Take the control back. If he does want to be involved, try and make it work for your daugher's sake. I wish you all the luck in the world. He will have given you something amazing, however much of a twonk he is.

Chunderella · 03/10/2014 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MexicanSpringtime · 03/10/2014 17:01

I have to say, Caterpillarmum, the fact that you know someone who has decided that the lack of her father's name on her birth certificate is something to be traumatised about isn't she lucky that she has had such an easy life that that is her big concern?, does not outweigh all the possible complications of having an absent father on the cert.

Why she the OP risk having to go through expensive and distressing court cases, for example, about differences of opinion with the father? What if she could never take the child abroad for a summer holiday?

OP, you can quite easily change the birth cert. at a later date, if you or the child feel it is important and, I presume, the father cooperates.

naty1 · 03/10/2014 18:15

It makes me think unmarried couples should be hiven a list of what being on the birth cert means so they are informed beforehand as i never woukd have realised

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