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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not allow this "man" to see my daughter!

127 replies

emmalouise1091 · 02/10/2014 05:12

Hello. I'm currently 25w pregnant and my ex left me about 2 weeks ago. He is now madly in love with another girl. His soul mate as he puts it. I phoned him this evening to ask if we wants to be a part of the babies life. His response was 'I need time to think about it, I'll let you know in about two weeks'

Basically am I being unreasonable to think that's the final straw. He's not being anywhere near her. He's done nothing at all to help prepare for the baby and is only interested in his new love.

OP posts:
BauerTime · 02/10/2014 09:43

Id just put the ball in his court and say to contact you if/when he is ready to talk about arrangements for having a relationship with his child. Then id get on with preparing for the baby's arrival on the assumption that he wasn't going to be a part of her life.

Then just a simple text to alert him of the birth (if you haven't heard from him by then).

Be careful not to discourage him bring a part of her life, but I don't think its worth your time/effort/heartache of trying to force it

googoodolly · 02/10/2014 09:57

You don't have to chase him, but if he wants contact, you have no right to block it.

When baby is born, make sure you get maintenance and then if he wants contact with his child, he can apply for it. But don't block him before the child has even been born - if he's the father, he has as much right as you do to see his child.

foxinthebox · 02/10/2014 10:09

He can block holidays, you moving away, school choices. Leave him off.

naty1 · 02/10/2014 10:11

You can only put name on BC if he goes with you to register if you arent married.

I wouldnt chase him to be visiting baby.

He clearly doesnt care and if he can do this to you while pg he is not going to mind hurting his child by putting OW first either, or should i say himself.

MindReader · 02/10/2014 10:18

I'd leave his name off Birth Certificate too.
That means you can avoid a lot of legal / practical headaches and raise your dd as best as YOU are able without lots of potential interference from a man who has 'to think' about whether he wants to be her Dad!

BUT - whilst not 'chasing' him I would not stand in the way of his relationship with his dd which may develop over months or years.
That isn't your say, unless he is abusive.

jellybelly701 · 02/10/2014 10:53

Is there a back story to this?

Your ex is an arsehole for leaving you for an OW. However I really don't think that leaving you is a good enough reason to not let him 'anywhere near her' I know he hurt you, and I don't blame you for wanting to hurt him back but this is not the way to go.

If he wants contact then he has a right to it. If he doesn't want contact then its his loss.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 02/10/2014 11:19

I wouldn't put him on the bc. If he's immature enough to be calling this OW a soulmate, he's immature enough to put obstacle in your way regarding every decision if he has parental responsibilities.

Finola1step · 02/10/2014 11:23

With the birth certificate, I would think it is quite simple. When baby arrives, make the appointment with the registrar and go. You can't put him down if he's not physically at the appointment with you.

When I posted earlier about seeking legal advice with the name on the bc, I meant from the viewpoint that you don't have to. And if you do, you need to trust that he will not use it to exploit his position. Leave him off.

NinjaLeprechaun · 02/10/2014 11:28

I don't buy it's the fathers right approach.
It's not about the rights of the father, it's about the rights of the child to know her father.

GaryShitpeas · 02/10/2014 11:33

Sorry you've been treated so shit op

He has been horrible to you Sad

However, like it or not he's your baby's dad and it's not unreasonable for him to have contact. I know it hurts but you don't have the right to "not allow" contact

I hope this doesn't sound unsympathetic x Thanks

icanhaveadarksideifyouwantmeto · 02/10/2014 11:34

your relationship with him.....isnt your soon to be childs relationship with him

Surreyblah · 02/10/2014 11:39

Would be very unreasonable of you to block contact.

poolomoomon · 02/10/2014 11:40

As others have said DO NOT put him on the birth certificate. A prick like this does not deserve legal rights to your child at all. "just give me two weeks and I'll let you know" as if you were asking him whether he wants to buy a car off you or something Hmm.

If I were you I just wouldn't chase him at all. Let him come to you, if he does and decides he really wants to be in her life then let him. If he starts pissing about, not turning up for visits etc go through the courts to get a contact order. It's all messy and horrible Sad. I hope for yours and DD's sake he either doesn't bother chasing it and disappears or he gets his act together and stops being a prick.

YouTheCat · 02/10/2014 11:41

Send him an email letting him know that should he want contact in the future (with your child) he must email you with details and time and duration etc at least a week in advance. That way you have solid evidence that you haven't blocked contact if he decides to bother himself (which he probably won't).

Are you married to this arse?

SoonMeansNever · 02/10/2014 11:53

I'm sorry the shit has done this to you - "give me two weeks"? Fuck off! Terrible. :(

Before you tell him to FOTTFSOF it might be worth getting some info from him, from the child's perspective, even tho my father was present in my younger childhood, I'd have appreciated the following:

  • Get him to fill in a 'medical history' list with the basics - his blood type, DOB, any illnesses that run in his family (heart disease, breast cancer etc). I hate not being able to fill out basic forms at the docs, I have no clue what half my DNA leaves me open to.
  • The full names of his parents and all his grandparents, in case your DC wants to look into that side of their family in the future.

Best of luck OP, congratulations on your pregnancy

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 02/10/2014 11:59

YOU CAN'T PUT SOMEONE ON A BIRTH CERTIFICATE UNLESS THEY ARE WITH YOU AT THE TIME OF REGISTRATION UNLESS YOU ARE MARRIED.
Unless the op is accompanied by her ex partner she cannot name him on the birth certificate.

SoonMeansNever · 02/10/2014 12:02

Quite, hobnobs. And if he turns into a decent human being with a positive effect on his DC, he can be added to it by OP at a later date.

Spindarella · 02/10/2014 12:16

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

You can't stop him from seeing the baby and forming a relationship with her or him - that is your child's right

However, you don't have to run around and facilitate the process either. Keep contact up by email, leave the door ajar and leave him to open it himself - which he won't

Completely agree.

MindReader · 02/10/2014 12:24

hobnob - that's good in a way.

OP you cant put him on BC unless he is with you.
So, just go and register her.

Then email him your details so he knows where / how to make contact with her if he wants to.

Yy to getting basic medical details if you can as she may need these when she is older, if he has chosen not to 'keep in touch' with his own child Angry

Bigoleheffer · 02/10/2014 14:43

Ninja, read my post. She's giving him every opportunity and she can't force him to have a relationship and she has no obligation whatsoever to make any effort to engage him. It's his call. The op is clearly thinking about the child. its not the op who is two minds about whether to have a relationship or not with her child.

LittleBairn · 02/10/2014 14:46

I can understand why you feel that way but its tough luck if he wants to be her father legally you will have to allow access.

MexicanSpringtime · 02/10/2014 15:22

Another one here, don't put him on the birth cert. It doesn't mean that you block contact, in fact it would probably be good to encourage contact with him and his parents, for your child's sake, but it does mean you can avoid anything toxic and be complete control.
My dd's father isn't on her birth cert but he and particularly his parents have played a huge part in her life. Whereas a friend of mine had a ds with a violent man, didn't put him on the birth cert and after nearly a year of trying to include him, his violence meant that he has had to be totally written out of the child's life.

MexicanSpringtime · 02/10/2014 15:49

I don't agree with the people saying that he has as much right as you to see his child. So far he has only contributed sperm which is not the same as carrying her for nine months or as someone who has supported the mother throughout.

And I don't think it is about his right at all here. The best result would be if he gets his act together and proves to be a decent father for your child, your child would benefit enormously from that. But if he turns out to be toxic, it will be to your child's benefit if you are able to call a halt to contact.

Flyawaylittlebutterfly · 02/10/2014 16:08

It's a pain in the arse trying to parent with an ex. There are so many problems he and those around him could cause if he does choose to be involved. He doesn't sound like a particularly nice, reliable, common sense type that would be a positive influence. Personally, I'd stay well away and hope he never tries to get in contact.

As horrible as the situation is now, you can choose to have this baby on your own terms and raise it exactly as you wish without his interference.

FuckOffFerret · 02/10/2014 16:22

Would get him for child support but not push for any contact.