To not allow this "man" to see my daughter!

[emmalouise1091]

Hello. I'm currently 25w pregnant and my ex left me about 2 weeks ago. He is now madly in love with another girl. His soul mate as he puts it. I phoned him this evening to ask if we wants to be a part of the babies life. His response was 'I need time to think about it, I'll let you know in about two weeks'

Basically am I being unreasonable to think that's the final straw. He's not being anywhere near her. He's done nothing at all to help prepare for the baby and is only interested in his new love.

[shocked] at posters on this thread that thinks he deserves contact after making it clear he has no interest and asking for 2 weeks to think about it

You poor thing. What a shit!

Unfortunately though it's not up to you if your daughter has a relationship with her dad. You have to think of the future, how will she feel if in ten years time she finds out you prevented that relationship? It will come back to you OP.

That said I do understand where your coming from. I do. If your ex doesn't want to know then that's fine. At least you can tell your daughter that you never stopped him seeing her.

Mexican you cannot seriously be holding the fact he only contributed sperm instead of carrying the child for 9 months against him as a reason why he doesn't deserve equal rights. What a truly ridiculous thing to say. Its a biological impossibility for a start!

Just because the woman is the one who carries the child does not mean she deserves more rights. Both parents should be equal. I was the one that carried our child (obviously) this doesn't mean I have the right to ban contact or overrule his decisions just because I was the one to go through pregnancy. again what a truly ridiculous thing to say.

mexican said it wasn't the same as someone who supported the mother through 9 months. ANd yes, that is relevant.

He is basically a sperm donor at this point and it's his fault.

Thank you FuckOffFerret for pointing out the basic distinction there. And again being a parent is not so much about rights as about duties. OP is going to be a mother and one of her duties will be to ensure the safey of her child. The father-to-be has already abandoned his duties and, for the child's sake we hope that he decides to assume them again and be a good father to her. He can do that with or without his name on the cert. as long as OP is also looking for the best for her daughter. But his present conduct means that OP has to safeguard her dd from someone who shows every sign of being totaly irresponsible.

There is some morally reprehensible advice on this thread OP that I really hope you don't listen to.

Your child has a right to a father. If he choses not to step up and be one that is his loss. But please do not sink to his level and act out if vengeance. One day your child will ask you about their father and you must be in a position to be proud of the action you took. If you take any steps to make life difficult it will blow up in your face. Your child may wrongly blame you for not keeping the channel open.

That child has a right to have its father named on the birth certificate. You cannot simply erase him because he has acted like a shit however tempting it may be. It's not about stigma at all, it's about identity. Those who say it doesn't matter because the child will know are wrong, it's a formal legal document that confirms your parentage that will pass down through the family. Short term legal issues are not a justifiable reason for with holding this information.

I'm so sorry this has happen to you but please continue to be the bigger person and hold your head up high. Your child will be proud of your strength when they're older.

I maybe didn't add enough detail into my first post. I'm hurt at what he has done to me but in time I'll get over that. I don't hold any resentment. I'm hurt at the way he treats his daughter like she is just an option. I wouldn't allow my feelings of hurt to stop what would be best for my daughter!

Secondly, this man also has another child. If it wasn't for his mum having her at his house he would never see her (or rarely see her). Because I have witnessed myself his first daughter being let down so many times by him, I'm thinking that if my daughter doesn't know him at all, it will effect her less in the long run than knowing her father doesn't really care about her.

Hope that makes sense!

emma genuine question because I do respect what you said above. In deciding to have a baby with him did you think he had changed enough to be a better dad this time round?

Given what you say about his other child, why on earth would you have one with him?

At the end of the day, you chose to have a child with him. That ties you to him for at least eighteen years whether you like it or not. An active choice that you now have to live with.

So women have to put up with bad behaviour from men towards their children, destroying the child for the sake of fathers that could care less?

It sounds like the GPs would want to see child though.

Maybe contact with them and if the dad sees baby while there.

Thing is the child grows up and realises how bad the behaviour of their dad is, things like giving flashy presents but no money towards clothes.
And dont want to see them anyway. After being meased up by lots of lack of interest in the meantime.

You cant force him to want to see baby.

A normal person would have replied 'dont be silly of course i still want to see the baby'

The only reason I can give for having this baby with him is that it was unplanned and I truly believed him when he said he loved me and he would be there for us both. I was blind to him.

Caterpillar I find your assertion that "That child has a right to have its father named on the birth certificate" bizarre - it's a piece of paper, that her exDP will not be included on unless he is present at registration as they are not married. If it were a 'right', then both parents would be legally required to be present.

IMO the child has an absolute right to know who both their parents are - the OP doesn't say that she's going to deny knowledge of him or lie about his identity. The child will know the name of her father! and if he steps up! they will have a relationship.
What does the child gain by seeing the name on paper?

How long were you with him for?

Why would you allow yourself to get pregnant by someone who you know s a shit father?

OP try to ignore the "Why have a baby with him?!" comments - hindsight is 20/20, you didn't have a crystal ball to predict what a shit he'd become.
I've never yet seen an OP reply with "Yes I knew he'd be feckless and drop us like a hot rock, but fancied the challenge, so deliberately got pregnant by Twat Of The Year, y'know, for the hell of it".
The happiest and best of relationships can turn sour, and unless you have a time machine, the only thing to do is look forward - which you're doing! not required. :)

Apologies for randomly inserted !!!s, weirdo autocorrect messing with my punctuation.

WooWoo - unplanned pregnancy, as the OP has already stated. Not deliberate TTC. How does it help to harangue her about this?

Yes I know he is a shit father! At the time I really was oblivious to it. When I found out I was pregnant he said he would be there! I wasn't about to go down to the abortion clinic just incase he turns out to be a shit father! This baby is very much loved and wanted by myself and my mum and I will do my best best for her untill the day I die.

A child also has the right to be protected form a "father" who will choose their own interests over their childs. WHo will not support them or their mother. Who will neglect their duties as a parent and be an all round shit human.

If someone on the relationships section said "I asked my partner if we should stay together and he said give me a couple weeks to think about it" there would be no dispute that she should LTB, why do we expect children to put up with shitty behaviour? How many of you actually grew up with a dead beat dad?

I did actually. My advice is based on my own experience - let him fuck it up all by himself. Op doesn't need to facilitate anything, but neither should she actively block contact, IMO.

Caterpillar I find your assertion that "That child has a right to have its father named on the birth certificate" bizarre - it's a piece of paper, that her exDP will not be included on unless he is present at registration as they are not married. If it were a 'right', then both parents would be legally required to be present.

You are kidding yourself if you think that it is just a piece of paper. My step sister does not have her father named on her birth certificate and it is a source of pain for her. I've seen the long term impact it can have and the resentment she feels. Yes she does know who her father is and yes she does have a relationship of sorts with him but she feels the fact that he isn't officially acknowledged on her birth certificate is a constant reminder of the conflict surrounding her birth. It was her mothers wish to not include him and this has been a source of tension between them.

It is naive to dismiss it as just a piece of paper. This might be an inconvient truth but one that I have seen within my own family.

I agree with caterpillarmum. I think that a birth certificate is much more than just a piece of paper. I think all the genealogists would agree too! It's a record of where you came from and one half of the information would be missing if the father was not included. All the OP could do would be to invite him to register the birth with her and if he doesn't turn up then he won't be included. But I couldn't deliberately exclude the father from formally acknowledging his child, that would be morally wrong, regardless of how he behaved towards me.

I agree with lonny you don't have to go out of your way for him but don't actively block him until he proves himself to be an unworthy father.

I'm thinking that if my daughter doesn't know him at all, it will effect her less in the long run than knowing her father doesn't really care about her.
If your child never sees her father, she will assume that it's because he doesn't even care enough to try. When if she finds out that she doesn't see him because you didn't want her to see him, then she will resent you for keeping her from - as she will imagine it - her loving father who wanted nothing more than to be with his little baby girl.
So, in reality, you're not protecting her from anything and you might just be making things worse.

As for the birth certificate - my fathers name on my birth certificate is all I have of him, and I think that makes it more important to me to have it there.

Through my own personal journey of motherhood I've started to question todays view of parenthood, which seems to be 'fathers contact at all costs'. The cost is just too high in sone cases.

All fathers are not equal and by letting some fathers hop in and out of vulnerable children's lives as they please, we are teaching those children very wrong lessons in life.

I'm not talking about 'good enough parenting' where the dad is ok, reliable and caring, though probably not what the mum would want exactly. That's ok. Thats good. That father should never ever be blocked from his sons life. I'm talking about those fathers who float in and out of their child's life, in and out as the mood strikes them, never staying to pick up the pieces, maybe displaying bad/ scary or inappropriate behaviours and generally exposing a small child to things that a child should have a right not to be exposed to.

I don't want to teach my precious little boy that his daddy can drop him like an unwanted toy. Leaving him crying and heart broken when daddy can't be arsed to turn up.

I don't want my child to learn that it's ok for his daddy not to put him first (or second or third). This is not what his imprint for family should be. What self esteem will he have?

What has my beautiful open and trusting boy learnt? That the people who are supposed to love, nurture and protect, can ignore you, neglect you and hurt you.

It took me a long time (too long tbh), to work out that sometimes, no daddy is better than a daddy who damages his son.

I wish I'd cut his father out of his life earlier, and saved my boy this heartbreak. I feel very responsible that I was all 'pie in the sky happy families, oh he'll come around'. I could have saved my son this hurt.

Now I have to make a decision to keep the father away and see my child's hurt. Or let him back in his life and see his joy and love, and devastation and yearning when the man behaves as he always has done before.

I should say, he is abusive to me and was neglectful to his son and unsafe when ds was a baby. He would not go far in a courtroom. But actually, it's the low level hurt he causes which is most damaging. And it seems mothers aren't allowed to protect their child from that. And four years ago I'd have defended the rights of the father at all costs. Before I saw the cost.

I agree with misc, above. It's also the reason why I advocate withdrawing contact if they can't be arsed with maintenance. Not giving enough of a shit to pay basic maintenance means you don't give a shit about your kid. And that attitude will shine through and cause damage.

Don't put him on her birth certificate. You will save yourself a whole heap of hassle.

Don't let him see her, tell him if he wants to do that he needs to take you to court to get an agreement.

^^ both of those are because they are in your DD's best interest.