Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow this "man" to see my daughter!

127 replies

emmalouise1091 · 02/10/2014 05:12

Hello. I'm currently 25w pregnant and my ex left me about 2 weeks ago. He is now madly in love with another girl. His soul mate as he puts it. I phoned him this evening to ask if we wants to be a part of the babies life. His response was 'I need time to think about it, I'll let you know in about two weeks'

Basically am I being unreasonable to think that's the final straw. He's not being anywhere near her. He's done nothing at all to help prepare for the baby and is only interested in his new love.

OP posts:
balia · 03/10/2014 18:37

I hope OP is still around - congrats on your pregnancy.

With all the furore about PR, the original question has kind of got lost a bit. I don't blame you for wanting nothing further to do with this ridiculous person (how old is he? He sounds about 17) but you have a long way to go yet, things must still be very raw.

Assuming he isn't dangerous - in the long term, a civil working relationship with the father of your DC is obviously the most desirable outcome. Whilst that doesn't mean you have to chase him endlessly to get involved, it does mean being fair and not doing anything that might further inflame the situation out of hurt.

Offer him whatever options you are happy with and leave it at that. So for me personally (just as an example) I wouldn't want him at medical appt's or the birth, but would let him know any important info and of course, when the baby arrives. I would also let him know when you plan to register the birth; I know there's been a lot of conflicting advice but if he wants PR and applies to the courts (and he doesn't have to be on the BC to do so) you haven't got much chance of stopping him. Try not to worry, though, I think the impact of this may have been over emphasised on this thread - it does not give a father the right to override the mother's day-to-day decisions, or that he will get what he wants from the court about more important decisions.

But at least not purposefully excluding him from the BC is a reasonable start to a co-operative relationship. He may, of course, not wish to be involved. It will be very hurtful but there's not much you can do about it and it will undoubtedly be his loss.

HeartStarCircleSquare · 03/10/2014 18:49

I would also let him know when you plan to register the birth; I know there's been a lot of conflicting advice but if he wants PR and applies to the courts (and he doesn't have to be on the BC to do so) you haven't got much chance of stopping him.

No, there isn't much chance, but it's kind if an extra hoop that if he isn't all that bothered about he won't jump through. If he is willing to do it then maybe he is ready to be a dad.

Original poster
emmalouise1091 · 03/10/2014 20:18

Thank you everyone for your advice. It does seem there is a huge emphasis on the birth certificate. I honestly don't believe he will attend. I think a lot of what will happen now depends what happens with his new girl friend. I will never hide his identity from my daughter.

From his actions over the last 2 weeks I feel like i don't know him at all so it's impossible for me to predict what will happen. The one thing I am certain about though is that I don't want him waltzing in and out of my daughters life and leaving her heartbroken.

Many people have said his new relationship won't work. If it doesn't i do believe he will be back - but only until he finds another girl. I guess it's just a waiting game at the moment.

OP posts:
missymayhemsmum · 03/10/2014 20:52

Sadly, while he is obviously an immature arse, to say the least, you don't have a choice. You got pregnant by him, you're stuck with him, so is your baby. You have two options. 1, to have a civil relationship with him and his partner and involve him in your baby's life, from birth through to making polite conversation at christmas concerts, graduations, your grandchildren's birthdays etc for the rest of your life, hopefully collecting some support, maintenance, and parenting involvement along the way (which you will need and your baby will benefit from) or 2, you can cut contact and chance it that at any point in the next 18 years he won't go to court for parental responsibility, get an order for shared parenting and tell your child what a wicked mother you are to have cut him out of her life.

However angry you are, I'm afraid this is the reality, unless you have evidence that he is a risk to your child. You also don't know yet whether his 'soulmate' is going to turn out to be a one month wonder or the world's best stepmother.

Detach, try to relax, plan your life on the basis that his involvement is a minor detail if it happens, not a big deal. Don't encourage him, don't make it easy for him, but don't give him reason to create a big 'she won't let me see my baby' drama either.

Sorry to be blunt, but that's the long term reality. Big hugs to you, he has obviously really hurt you but you are well rid of him, and better that he has gone now than when your baby is attached to her daddy. Fill her life with people who love and care about her and a crappy unreliable/ absent father won't define her life.

MexicanSpringtime · 03/10/2014 22:10

missymayhemsmum: ...two options. 1, to have a civil relationship with him and his partner and involve him in your baby's life, from birth through to making polite conversation at christmas concerts, graduations, your grandchildren's birthdays etc for the rest of your life, hopefully collecting some support, maintenance, and parenting involvement along the way (which you will need and your baby will benefit from) or 2, you can cut contact and chance it that at any point in the next 18 years he won't go to court for parental responsibility, get an order for shared parenting and tell your child what a wicked mother you are to have cut him out of her life

It has been quite clear from a number of posts that not putting him on the birth certificate does not signify cutting him out of his child's life. In my case it certainly did not, though because I live in Mexico I had to forego child support because of that, but my dd's father and particularly her gps have played a significant part in her life. And in the UK, the OP would not even miss out on child support.

ChippingInLatteLover · 03/10/2014 22:38

Many people have said his new relationship won't work. If it doesn't i do believe he will be back - but only until he finds another girl. I guess it's just a waiting game at the moment

You don't mean you would take him back do you??

Original poster
emmalouise1091 · 03/10/2014 23:06

No chipping. I would never go back now the reason I'm wondering if he will be back is solely for my daughters sake. The last thing I want is him in and out of his life when it suits him.

OP posts:
Original poster
emmalouise1091 · 03/10/2014 23:07

Her** not his haha

OP posts:
PiperIsOrange · 03/10/2014 23:16

I would just give him time. He could turn out to be a fantastic father.

ChippingInLatteLover · 03/10/2014 23:25

Pigs might fly too piper.

It's going to be a long and bumpy ride emma but you can make it a bit easier on yourself if you realise that no matter what you do, you cannot control how he is going to be as a father.

All you can do is limit the impact it has on your DD. Give him as little legal entitlement as you can (start by not putting him on her birth certificate). Communicate with him via email as much as possible. Make HIM do ALL of the running, do not encourage or demand his presence. Don't give him an inch. Make your & DD's life as good as you can. Anything he offers her on top of that is a bonus.

PiperIsOrange · 03/10/2014 23:30

It's only been 2 weeks since the split, until the baby is born he has no ties with her. He might do a bit of growing up in the next 15 weeks.

Nobody knows how well of a parent will be until the baby is born.

Original poster
emmalouise1091 · 03/10/2014 23:55

Piper he does have another daughter and he's a shit dad to her. He's only interested when it suits him and the only reason he sees her at all is because his mum has her at their house. I honestly don't think he will be winning any father or the year awards anytime soon

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/10/2014 01:19

You are kidding yourself if you think that it is just a piece of paper. My step sister does not have her father named on her birth certificate and it is a source of pain for her. I've seen the long term impact it can have and the resentment she feels. Yes she does know who her father is and yes she does have a relationship of sorts with him but she feels the fact that he isn't officially acknowledged on her birth certificate is a constant reminder of the conflict surrounding her birth. It was her mothers wish to not include him and this has been a source of tension between them

Really? It bothered her so much that she never took the time to rectify this dreadful life impacting omission, or was she so distressed by it that she never took the time to find out that she can have him added

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/10/2014 01:25

It makes me think unmarried couples should be hiven a list of what being on the birth cert means so they are informed beforehand as i never woukd have realised

They are, when you turn up to register the baby you are handed a list about PR

ReallyOTT · 04/10/2014 01:30

Shock Wanker!! Hmm

PiperIsOrange · 04/10/2014 01:40

I am sorry, I was giving him the benefit of the doubt being a 1st time father.

MexicanSpringtime · 04/10/2014 04:38

Still, OP, if his parents are decent, it would be a great advantage to your child and you to have them in your lives.

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 06:51

Piper that's why it's always best to read the thread. Or at the very least the OP's posts. Do you know you can highlight the OP's posts (and your own)?

Romeyroo · 04/10/2014 07:14

I think for the father to have PR, he can quite simply show an interest in the pregnancy and discuss his involvement, birth registration etc. It is called parental responsibility, not parental automatic right, so baby's dad here needs to exercise some responsibility in the next 15 weeks. OP, just focus on making sure you are okay and let him come to you about it. Agree that if he does not, you should not register him on the birth certificate, he can always be added retrospectively.

naty1 · 04/10/2014 08:20

I dont think we were given any info, though that could be about a week of severe sleep deprivation and over 2 yrs ago

OwlWearingSunglasses · 04/10/2014 08:25

Putting him on the BC confers parental responsibility and that can make life complicated, as he will then legally have a say in many aspects of that child's life. That may not be a good arrangement

^^This. Though I believe that if he's not actually present when the baby is registered the registrar wouldn't put his name on anyway.

Ghostsinsnow · 04/10/2014 10:34

I got involved with an idiot 22 years ago. I left before the birth thankfully seeing the light but I gave my son my surname and didn't put the father in the birth certificate.

When ds was 1 I met my husband. He loved him as his own, adopted him, gave him his surname and raised him all of which would have been very hard with his father's name on the birth certificate.

Ds grew up knowing he had another dad out there but had no interest in him. His birth father similarly had no interest in him either and in 22 years has never seen ds.

Ds's birth certificate was replaced with one that contained Dh 's name when he adopted him. He considers Dh his dad.

Despite not giving a shit enough to see his own son I know that his birth father is suitably nasty enough to have made life difficult for me so I'm incredibly thankfully of my decision not to put his name there.

hackmum · 04/10/2014 12:02

OP, I would get legal advice asap if I were you so that you can get a full legal understanding of what it means to have his name on (or not) on the birth certificate, and also to find out what you can reasonably expect in terms of a financial contribution to the baby's upbringing.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/10/2014 15:57

The thread has quite clearly explained exactly what having PR means and unless we are talking about a very high earner legal bods will not deal with CM.

I wouldn't waste your time or money getting legal advice op.unless he actively starts trying to push for anything you are not willing to do

Ghostsinsnow · 04/10/2014 17:47

In my case I was happy to make the trade off of getting no money from him in exchange for keeping him out of my sons life. He was nasty, criminal record as long as your arm etc

I just wanted to keep my son safe and away from him. I guess I was fortunate as well that his family also didn't give a shit so I didn't have grandparents hassling me either. I got on with it, raised him for the first few years on my own and then Dh took over.

I did have issues when Dh adopted ds in that at the time social services demanded I named the father anyway so he could be consulted. I refused, then lied and said I didn't know who it was. Ss than made us go to a court hearing to try and force the issue. My solicitor came in and dropped a pile of papers a foot deep on the desk and said to the judge that this was the fathers criminal history to date.
It was a short hearing Grin

I often think back to that though and how difficult it would have been had we needed his approval. Thankfully I belive Ss aren't quite as rabid about such issues as they were then but they were horrid to dh and I at that time.

I came very close to naming him and it was my mother who talked sense into me. Probably one of the best decisions I made.