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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider a name that a family member has already used?

66 replies

LinaDee · 29/09/2014 13:31

Since I was a teenager, I've been in love with a certain girls name.
About 4 years ago, my husbands cousin had a girl and used this name (although a slightly different spelling)
Other than Christmas, new year, Easter, family events - we don't really spend much time with this part of the family, although my husband considers them to be his close family.
I am pregnant again and we are really struggling to find a girls name we can agree on.

It crossed my mind the other day that we should consider this name as I feel like we'd just be picking another name because we weren't "allowed" to use this one.
I know that they have previously said they have been limited with boys names because they have so many boys in the family that they wouldn't use a name that someone has already used.

I don't want to upset anyone or step on toes, but increasingly we're not even spending holidays with these cousins.

Would it be unreasonable to use the name?

OP posts:
Ticktockblock · 29/09/2014 13:33

Use the name! I would. Don't ask them either just announce it once the baby is born.

daisydee43 · 29/09/2014 13:33

my cousin has same name dd as her cousins dd. i really liked a name that my dh cousin named her dd but dh said no way as her dd got adopted might hurt her Sad

SunshineDaisiesButterMellow · 29/09/2014 13:36

We inadvertently used a name for dd that is also her cousins name. I didn't have much contact with these cousins as we lived in different countries but after dd was born we were in contact.
It's not been a problem at all and dd and her (much older) cousin do like that they share the same name.

I'd say go for the name you love rather than worrying about what other people think. Nobody owns a name.

lornemalvo · 29/09/2014 13:37

I'd use it. I wouldn't care a jot if one of my cousins gave their child the same name as one of mine.

RonaldMcDonald · 29/09/2014 13:38

I'm Irish - all our family names are used hundreds of times
what's the problem?

Original poster
LinaDee · 29/09/2014 13:42

The problem is that I know these people have avoided using names because other family members have and I don't want to upset anyone?

Didn't I say that in the OP?

OP posts:
littlehayleyc · 29/09/2014 13:42

In my family, both on my mum and dad's sides there are a couple of duplications. Two of my cousins (both on my mum's side) have very similar names. It was a bit weird to start with when the 2nd one was born and given a shortened version of the other cousin's name, but we all soon got used to it. I don't think it would be fair of anyone to expect you not to choose the name you like. I think it might be a bit different if they were first cousins who saw each other all the time as things could get confusing. Having said that, you'd soon end up with a nick name or variation to distinguish the two. Are you close enough to the other family to be able to ask if they'd be offended? Are you prepared to drop the name if they say yes?..

Ginocchio · 29/09/2014 13:43

Speak to the cousin, say you're thinking of using that name. I'd be willing to bet that they'll be far less concerned about it than the elder generations are.

It was the same in our family - the oldest generation were all cat's bum mouth about this exact situation - but the cousin really wasn't bothered at all.

SunshineDaisiesButterMellow · 29/09/2014 13:44

That is their choice.
Don't say the name before just present it as a done deal when your baby is here.
You've loved the name for years why should the fact that someone had a baby before you change that?

DustyCropHopper · 29/09/2014 13:44

My cousin named her dd the same name as her cousin's dd. her cousin didn't speak to her for years! When we were expecting dc3, dh suggested the name a second cousin of mine had named her dd. I actually didn't like the name for my child (nothing wrong with the name, just not one I would have used) but my mum was talking to my auntie and said about it being a suggested name and my auntie replied well she can't use that 'x' would be very unhappy, they stopped talking to a friend of theirs as they used the name of their dd2 for their dd! We see these people at a social gathering maybe once a year, sometimes a couple of years apart.
Personally, I would say it is up to you. Do you think the cousin is the type to be funny about it? I think my examples are the exception rather than the rule. It wouldn't bother me if someone used the name I liked, but I tried to avoid names used in the family incase it upset someone. If you love that name then it is totally up to you if you use it.

Original poster
LinaDee · 29/09/2014 13:49

Thanks everyone,

I'm going to speak to DH and suggest it. He's more likely to be reluctant to use it,
If I contacted them and said we were considering it, it would be odd. As I said, I'm not really in contact with them apart from holidays and family events.
Would I be willing to drop the name? I don't know. Given that DH and I are struggling to find a name. Probably not, if we both agreed.

I'm glad most people seem to think this is ok.
I was really disappointed when I heard they used this name but in the last few days it keeps coming in to my head.
As a PP said, I suppose, no one owns a name.

OP posts:
DustyCropHopper · 29/09/2014 13:55

No one does own a name and I find it a little odd when people get so possessive about a name. I should add as a positive story, dh's cousin named her ds the same name as dh's brother, 4 years later I don't remember a single negative being said, or it even being discussed. As I said, I personally avoided names from the family and immediate friends but it did get to a point with dh where I said you can only go so far, his family is huge, so avoiding used names was difficult. It really would not bother me if someone used a name I used, despite not wanting to use names already used myself, so this could be the case with your cousin.

naty1 · 29/09/2014 14:56

I think the issue would be if its likely to be confusing. I think a classmate at school with same name is wirse and you cant control it.
I like Zoe but DH has a cousin with the name and it would be same surname.
I have seen what i think when i fist meet the child abd uncommon name like Ruby say and them a few weeks later youll meet another one.

VikingLady · 29/09/2014 19:43

I think it would partly depend on how common the name is. If it was really unusual it would look more copy- ish than one in common usage. For example, we have four people called Chris if you count up to second cousins, and about three Steves, and a fair few doubles. No-one seems to mind!

If they're in the same place at the same time they get "big/little Chris" etc

ithoughtofitfirst · 29/09/2014 19:55

Doubles is an unusual choice viking Grin

AdmitYouKnowImRight · 29/09/2014 19:59

my cousin has same name dd as her cousins dd. i really liked a name that my dh cousin named her dd but dh said no way as her dd got adopted might hurt her

Dear God ... punctuation any one?

cuddybridge · 29/09/2014 20:17

In my Pils family, there are only 5 names in use between both sexes, there at least 40 people sharing them, it can get very confusing about which Uncle John they are talking about, but the tradition seems to be continuing.
I dont get this angst about a unique name

AmberLav · 29/09/2014 20:30

My cousin named his DS the same name as my 3 year old DS. It bugs me a tiny bit, if I'm being honest, but I'll live!

I get my revenge currently by calling him baby X! And I'll call him wee X in the future!

Actually, I think it does my DS good to share his name, as his name is quite rare down here in England, but quite popular in Scotland, so he'll come across plenty others...

HemlockStarglimmer · 29/09/2014 20:34

I would. My daughter has the same name as one of my sisters, one of my aunts, one of my grandmothers, one of my great aunts and several more distant relatives, and my husband's cousin has called her youngest the same.

No one minds.

MrsMook · 29/09/2014 21:37

My niece has 3 cousins with the same name. One on the other side of her family, two on ours. Ours is the second of the name, but we decided to go ahead as they only meet on big family occasions every few years, and they are named after the same relative that means so much to both of us. It's a mainstream name and will never be unique.

crazykat · 29/09/2014 21:46

Use the name. I have the same name as two of my 2nd cousins. I have a huge family on my mums side, easily over 100 1st and 2nd cousins so there are a few repeated names.

Its your DHs cousins child so would be your child's 2nd or 3rd cousin. It will be fine to use the name, its not like its your DHs DN with the name you like.

BikeRunSki · 29/09/2014 21:50

I have 3 sets of cousins, all on the same side, called Chris and Jo. Some are males, some are female. It's only a little bit confusiong at weddings and Christmas cards...

I'd use the name.

StHildas4Life · 29/09/2014 21:54

Use it. There are several of these in my extended family - that's what nicknames are for!

TeaAndALemonTart · 29/09/2014 21:54

Don't be such a cunt, Admit. No need for it.

ithoughtofitfirst · 29/09/2014 21:56
Grin
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