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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no and refuse to accomodate DH's work commitments this weekend?

131 replies

Rollergirl1 · 29/09/2014 10:03

I'll give a bit of backstory...

DH typically doesn't go away loads with work but it just so turns out that in the last 4 weeks he had 3 nights away with a "work jolly" in Biarritz (hosted by him, and where he hand-picked all the other invitees). So basically just a lads mini-break. He has also had his work's annual conference, which also required a night away in a hotel. I am fine with all this btw, not objecting to any of it.

This weekend I am due to see a very dear friend and I will be staying overnight on the saturday. There was the option to take the kids with me, as she also has children same age as mine and the kids are good friends, but both mine have parties on the saturday, with DD not returning till gone 7pm so later than I would be leaving and therefore not possible to take them. I chekced with DH when I arranged it weeks ago that he had nothing on and as far as i'm concerned is all sorted.

I reminded him yesterday that I will be away next saturday night. Just now DH emailed me to say that next weekend might be a problem as he has an off-site work thing on the Sunday that starts at 9.30am and requires him to stay overnight on Sunday. He says I will need to take the kids with me, when he already knows that DD won't be home until 7.30pm at least, so I can't take her. And I won't be back in time in the morning to relieve him for him to make the 9.30 start. He knows all this. So he is effectively saying "you can't go on saturday."

I don't want to cancel my night with my friend. I haven't seen her for ages and I haven't been out for ages. DH has tons more opportunity than me to go out, as mentioned above. But I know that DH will say that this work commitment trumps my social commitment. I will say to him that he's known about my plans for at least a month and this work thing has come up unexpectedly and is AT THE WEEKEND so why should I have to cater for that. But the chances are that he said yes to this weeks ago and has only just realised (with me reminding him yesterday) that it's a problem as I won't be around. I did check with him when I was arranging and he said all fine.

So, would it be unreasonable of me to stick to my guns and say i'm going and it's his problem. I hate the fact that he always assumes that I am here to look after our children and that my needs and wants come a very poor second best to his.

Sorry, very long so thanks if you have stuck with....

OP posts:

Branleuse · 29/09/2014 10:06

tell him this was prearranged so no, youre not taking the kids, and that hes taking the piss even suggesting it

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 29/09/2014 10:08

Tell him as your plans were in place first he needs to arrange some babysitting/childcare for the sunday morning to enable him to go to work.

19lottie82 · 29/09/2014 10:09

I agree. He said he would look after the kids, so his problem.

Stick to your guns and say "No".

MimiSunshine · 29/09/2014 10:10

Not at all.Email him back and say:

Sorry my night away has been in the diary since x date which he has been well aware of so either he will not be able to stay over on Saturday night or he will have to arrange over night child care.
And that you fully support his work commitments but are disappointed that he doesn't seem to appreciate it or take any notice of your commitments.

TheBatteriesHaveRunOut · 29/09/2014 10:12

His job to sort the childcare.

If you had known about his plans a month ago, and were just going out for the evening, I would say it was up to you to arrange a babysitter. But basically you called a night out first, so he can book someone for the Sunday morning/day.

flowery · 29/09/2014 10:15

Is there a reason you can't leave later on the Saturday or come back earlier on the Sunday?

Is there alternative babysitting actually available on the Sunday? Or would you be effectively saying he can't go?

Is his work thing genuinely optional or something he really needs to attend?

RandomMess · 29/09/2014 10:17

I would just tell him he needs to sort childcare out if he's not around as you're not able to change your plans at such short notice.

tess73 · 29/09/2014 10:18

"he has an off-site work thing on the Sunday that starts at 9.30am and requires him to stay overnight on Sunday"

really?
i would be quite suspicious of this personally.
what kind of off-site work thing starts on sunday at 9.30am? a game of golf before a conference on monday?

Vitalstatistix · 29/09/2014 10:20

He is as much their parent as you are. If he is wanting or needing to change the arrangements why the hell should it fall on you to sort it out?

He is a competent adult. He should be capable of saying X has cropped up, I can't get out of it, I know you are away so this is what I have arranged.

Not oh I can't do this now so you're going to have to sort it out. I'm just going to do my thing, you'll fit round my changed plans.

AMumInScotland · 29/09/2014 10:21

YANBU. You checked with him when you made your arrangements, and have booked this time. He is therefore responsible for the children. His children.

The fact that he didn't bother to check with you before he agreed to do something else is his problem, not yours.

tess73 · 29/09/2014 10:22

and btw if it is a genuine work thing he really can't get out of then your dd is going to have to miss her party, not you miss your night out!

Castlemilk · 29/09/2014 10:24

Not a chance.

Laugh in his face.

Then stop laughing very suddenly, glare at him and remind him of Biarritz. And tell him that if he wants to send you the very clear message that your life plans are soooo much less important than his, that's the absolute last time he'll be able to rely on YOU doing childcare for any other time apart from strictly work hours.

A work thing on Sunday at 9.30 am? Sounds like the kind of thing that you clear with your partner BEFORE you agree to it, yes? Because if you don't, you're basically treating her like an employee, yes? Which he's not, is he? So that means that this Sunday can't have actually been agreed to yet anyway, yes? YES?????

time to get

purpleroses · 29/09/2014 10:24

I think a proper work commitment does in a sense trump a social, but not a work social. And unless it's a work crisis (ie unexpected, which this clearly isn't) then it's his job to do his best to sort childcare out if you've already made plans. You could get the kids to miss their parties though, or leave early if nothing else works. No reason why their social lives should trump yours either

mausmaus · 29/09/2014 10:25

yanbu
as evryone says, say no and let him sort out childcare if it is needed bet he calls his mum

have a great weekend!

Explored · 29/09/2014 10:25

Tess makes a very good point.

If it really is work, I would do my best to accommodate it. e.g. could DD stay with a friend also at the party?

Work does get in the way of homelife from time to time but ultimately it's what pays for our homes.

mummytime · 29/09/2014 10:29

Well if he "has" to go, then he has to find and pay for child care.

Simple.

DH genuinely has to be away the one weekend I have to be away with one of our DDs. The problem has been solved by booking another Hotel room and writing off the cost of train tickets (we were going by train, as I can't get an extra seat near the originals we will now be going by car).

BoomBoomsCousin · 29/09/2014 10:30

I don't think the issue is whether or not he goes out much when you don't mind, but whether or not he lets you down like this much. If the letting you down is a one off and the work thing is important and not a jolly, then I would suck it up and rearrange with my friend (assuming there isn't babysitting that can be arranged). If he lets you down a lot then I agree with the those saying to just tell him you're going and he'll need to work it out.

OddFodd · 29/09/2014 10:31

Sounds like a work jolly to me.

I'd tell him tough and that he needs to sort out the child care.

Theas18 · 29/09/2014 10:31

What about he doesn't go the overnight Saturday ??
What sort of " works thing" starts at 9.30 on Sunday but can't be travelled to on Sunday early? I'd love to know.

He's had a shed load of team building/ bonding time in family time recently already.

Are you sue you aren't the teeniest bit suspicious as he's gone from " doesn't go away much for work" to the annual conference, Biarritz jolly and now this?

Firstly you take priority this time as already said but I'd get him just to talk through where he was going/what he was doing for yet another weekend away ( Saturday sometime, Saturday night though to Monday? thats definitely a weekend away or is it Sunday am through to monday, in which case why d you have to be gome before what ever time he leaves on sunday?)

Castlemilk · 29/09/2014 10:32

The REAL point is that if it's a genuine work thing that he can't get out of, on a weekend day, then a partner who isn't an arrogant shit would have cleared it with his partner that she/he was fine to take on extra solo childcare cover for that day before agreeing to it.

This would stand whether the OP was going away or not!

Think about it. It's SUNDAY. Whatever 'work thing' it is, it would have started with an email or whatever checking with all concerned that the date - outside work hours - was do-able. What would a normal person do? Reply 'I will let you know asap as soon as I have checked our personal committments/childcare arrangements'.

Seems OP's H feels he doesn't even need to do that. Nah, the slave will be there, won't she?

If my H pulled this I would, out of principle, say no to the childcare. No way will I be taken for granted like that. An emergency? I'll drop everything to help him. Taken for granted that I've got nothing better to do than be his PA and don't even need to be consulted about what my Sunday will involve? Fuck right off, even if it means you looking like a twat at work.

OP would do well to get that message across.

Castlemilk · 29/09/2014 10:34

Oh and yes, at 9.30 on a Sunday it goes without fucking saying that it's probably a jolly of some sort, so probably a very good opportunity for the OP to show her DH that she isn't actually the hired help.

Original poster

Rollergirl1 · 29/09/2014 10:34

Flowery: DD is going to Harry Potter World on Saturday with her best friend for her birthday and won't be back until 7pm at least. I would have to wait until she was back to leave for my friends, which is an hour away. So no, no opportunity to leave later. The same for the following morning. For me to be back in time in order for him to make the 9.30 start I would need to leave at 7.30. I'm not doing that on a Sunday morning. So yes I am effectively saying he either go's late or can't go. This is the first i've heard about it so as far as i'm concerned it's a last minute work thing that's come up and so why should I have to change my plans. Except I know if i say that to DH he will say that it's been in his diary for ages and just forgot that i wasn't around. I don't know if it's optional or not. As I say the chances are that DH has probably said yes and has known about it for longer than he will admit.

tess: Suspicious of what? If he's planning on some "extra curricular activities" then he's going about it in a very foolish manner.

OP posts:

Spidergirl77 · 29/09/2014 10:34

Say no, it's set in stone and your going. Remind him of his lovely breaks.

Stick to your guns or he will do this to you all the time.

RiverTam · 29/09/2014 10:35

nope, YANBU. Your plans are in place so either he needs to not go to his thing, rearrange it (running the new arrangement past you first) or get childcare sorted himself.

Sorry he's got form for this.

notagainffffffffs · 29/09/2014 10:36

Yanbu. Say nope sorry, he can stay home! Also I think very unfair of him to essentially force your friend into hosting extra people at her home, much more bedding/organising/catering involved on her part so its not even just you he is putting out,

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