To say no and refuse to accomodate DH's work commitments this weekend?

[Rollergirl1]

I'll give a bit of backstory...

DH typically doesn't go away loads with work but it just so turns out that in the last 4 weeks he had 3 nights away with a "work jolly" in Biarritz (hosted by him, and where he hand-picked all the other invitees). So basically just a lads mini-break. He has also had his work's annual conference, which also required a night away in a hotel. I am fine with all this btw, not objecting to any of it.

This weekend I am due to see a very dear friend and I will be staying overnight on the saturday. There was the option to take the kids with me, as she also has children same age as mine and the kids are good friends, but both mine have parties on the saturday, with DD not returning till gone 7pm so later than I would be leaving and therefore not possible to take them. I chekced with DH when I arranged it weeks ago that he had nothing on and as far as i'm concerned is all sorted.

I reminded him yesterday that I will be away next saturday night. Just now DH emailed me to say that next weekend might be a problem as he has an off-site work thing on the Sunday that starts at 9.30am and requires him to stay overnight on Sunday. He says I will need to take the kids with me, when he already knows that DD won't be home until 7.30pm at least, so I can't take her. And I won't be back in time in the morning to relieve him for him to make the 9.30 start. He knows all this. So he is effectively saying "you can't go on saturday."

I don't want to cancel my night with my friend. I haven't seen her for ages and I haven't been out for ages. DH has tons more opportunity than me to go out, as mentioned above. But I know that DH will say that this work commitment trumps my social commitment. I will say to him that he's known about my plans for at least a month and this work thing has come up unexpectedly and is AT THE WEEKEND so why should I have to cater for that. But the chances are that he said yes to this weeks ago and has only just realised (with me reminding him yesterday) that it's a problem as I won't be around. I did check with him when I was arranging and he said all fine.

So, would it be unreasonable of me to stick to my guns and say i'm going and it's his problem. I hate the fact that he always assumes that I am here to look after our children and that my needs and wants come a very poor second best to his.

Sorry, very long so thanks if you have stuck with....

'missing it may not be an option that is available without a cast-iron reason. A partner 's social engagement is not a good reason. So personally I would get him to watch the kids on Sat night then get up early and be home in time for him to go. It strikes me that you are being selfish and not thinking of you and DH as a team, only as a collection of competing individuals.'

No. NO NO NO NO NO.

'missing it may not be an option that is available without a cast-iron reason.' - that's true. And fine. So a PARTNER - as opposed to a bloke who thinks his wife is his slave - DISCUSSES this in advance, as he KNOWS he really has to be there. The conversation is something like this: 'I absolutely need to be at X on Sunday the 5th. Are you about and ok to do the childcare? If not, we need to get childcare until x o'clock at least I'm afraid...' etc. Not hard.

'A partner's social engagement is not a good reason' - but making a stand over whether she is treated with absolute disrespect and disdain in her relationship, and refusing to allow that, is a completely different and absolutely vital reason. Maybe even a marriage saver.

'it strikes me that you are being selfish and not thinking of you and DH as a team' - is than meant to be ironic? I can certainly see one person in the partnership making it clear that they're not a team, but it's not OP. And if I were OP and faced with this, I'd most certainly start acting very differently, the first change being that I'd no longer put myself last for a person who had no intention of even treating me with basic respect.

I'd like to think FarEast is over thinking, but 3 overnighters in 4 weeks for someone whose company doesn't often do them does smell a bit.

And Sunday? For work? No company asks you to do that.

I'm just giving you the guy's perspective. This sounds incredibly dodgy. At the very very least he's just off boozing with his mates.

Is it difficult to do a bit of digging and at least figure out if he is being honest and up front with you? I certainly would.

DH works for a company that organises out of hours stuff a lot and without exception it is presented as a done deal with the other partner being left to sort out any finer details. Like having a life of their own. Pisses me off immensely especially as his job involves overnighters and 'team building' exercises in rather nice places. All of which is code for a jolly big piss up.
All he has to do is pull his finger out, make some phone calls and sort out childcare himself for a change doesn't he? Don't even engage in debate - hand him the phone and tell him to sort it. If he's capable of holding down a job then he's capable of sorting out a babysitter.
And don't fall for that you 2 being a team and you being selfish crap, he is living his life while putting you out on the edge and leaving you to sweep up after him.
As you may be able to tell this is a sore point at the moment...

It says a lot that he hasn't bothered to tell you what the work thing is.

As I said, if it was properly important and he properly respected you then an equal partner would say "I am really sorry, but we've been told we need to prepare for the X pitch on Monday all day Sunday".

The fact that he hasn't explained, the fact that it just after the work conference (so unlikely to be semi mandatory team building) and a work jolly, the fact that it doesn't often happen, the fact that it is off site.

All these thngs do not scream of important work commitment.

My dp often works away, never much warning which gets frustrating when we've/I've made plans. Lots of cancelled concerts, days out etc but I'm very grateful that he has work.

My ex didn't want to work. Great that he was about so that we could make plans but we couldn't afford to do any of it!

Do you have to see your friend this weekend? Can it not be rearranged?
Do you have any family/friends nearby that will have the children?

YABU

Okay. I replied to his email where he said next weekend might be a problem saying only "yes I think you have a problem." He has just replied saying "I can't not go!" So he totally does expect me to cancel.

Castlemilk: I totally get what you are saying. And I agree. I guess the thing that causes an issue is that DH

TreadSoftly: His job isn't directly in Sales but DH works for one of the biggest media companies in the world so whatever your job is in the company, the sales are the biggest driver. Having said that, i'm still not sure how important this meeting is.

SuiGeneris: Doing a sunday thing is not usual for him. If he had told me about it more than a few days beforehand then of course I would co-operate. You're entitled to your opinion but I am really not being selfish.

Why not just say "I asked you on x date if it was ok with your commitments and you agreed it was fine. If you had forgotten about something or you have agreed to something since then that clashes you will need to arrange childcare. Here is the number of local babysitter and emergency nanny" just calmly say no. You are not default childcarer!

Ask him what the work thing is!!

has he still not told you what it bloody well is??
i am getting on your behalf!

if it is important and he just forgot then fair enough you can work it out together but why oh why are you having such cryptic non-conversations about it? is this how you usually communicate?

So what will actually happen?

You drop DD off on Saturday and leave as planned....

Oh and I think one point is being missed here - there is always the option that HE SORTS OTHER CHILDCARE.

Yes! The very thought - !!

OP, if she wants to send the message that she isn't actually the house elf, should GO.

That does not mean that he misses his Sunday golf and pub important work meeting.

It merely means that he takes responsibility, for ONCE, for ensuring that things at home are sorted before he can swan off and do his stuff. He organises a babysitter. He organises a sleepover. Maybe he goes very early on the Sunday morning to wherever it is instead of the night before, and has one of the grandparents stay the Saturday night. Lots of options.

The fact that he does not mentally go forward to THIS being the next 'option' says it all. No, the obvious solution is that OP cancel her plans. So that she can organise HIS going smoothly. That's what she's there for. End of story.

"I cant NOT go"

"I wasnt suggesting that OH, however I have made plans based on the fact that you told.me you were free. Now that you have scheduled something in, you need to sort some.childcare out"

He's being lazy. He has got out of the habit of being organised, because he doesn't have to be. It may be more that, than a lack of respect. You get a lot of this when ppl first go back to paid work and the daddies have to relearn basic diary management .

I would have a non-angry conversation with him that recognises that he may be a bit embarrassed at work by this, but essentially, he screwed up. So now he may have to say, sorry, forgot that I am on duty this weekend with the kids: I can't make it. Lots of big men have to do this all the time, he will not lose face. if he refuses, I think it would be reasonable to ask him why he is suddenly so very, very keen on all this off-site stuff. There may be a promotion or a contract he is after. Rather than a colleague, as some are suggesting.

Not sure about the babysitting thing, it's a lot of babysitting to fix up, overnight and all Sunday.

If you really want to be incredibly nice about this, perhaps your friend could come to you instead. I would only offer this option if his reason for not missing the do is credible.

I'm really torn here actually.

If it genuinely is an important work thing then I do think you need to work with him to find a solution - but he needs to work with you too.

But, with the level of vagueness as it what it actually is and the sudden regular overnight stays, I am starting to think he's up to no good.

I understand. My dh is a live to work type.

In the past he has let me down because work has come first but as he has matured he is much better at saying no to things that he doesn't have to go to. For example, he didn't go on the firm ski trip because we had plans that weekend already. Did it harm his career? Not at all. In fact he seems to have garnered respect for not being a yes man!

In this situation I would be trying to ascertain if this is some big important meeting or a jolly and then suggest a compromise. Such as him getting there for lunch not 9.30.

If it turns out its been in his diary for ages hen that is totally disrespectful to you and your friend as he is messing her about too. Strong words are in order about diary management and taking you for granted

Indeed Hacked. I am getting more and more suspicious that he hasn't explained what the commitment is. Surely if it is important you say what it is as part of your response.

That's absolutely fine. If you need to go, go, but you sort out the childcare since it is you that is changing the plans.

tbh, if you let me write the email, there would be a very very VERY long rant about how I am not the default sorter out of all things domestic simply because I am the one with the vagina.

please let me write the email.

He really does need to keep his end of it.

HE needs to sort babysitting out for his kids.

What would he do if OP was in an accident (Lord Forbid) and had to stay in Hospital

Usually I would agree with flowery and others that it sucks big sometimes you have to suck it up. But more than anything it's his attitude. If this happened to dh and I (and it has), the person who screwed up would start by being super apologetic. So right up front the conversation would go differently. Similarly we would both be tryig to think of solutions rather than just one person being left to deal with it. And the person who made the mistake would feel the most responsibility for fixing problem.

In this exact situation, after the grovelling was done, I think most likely dh would say, "can you come home early on Sunday? I know it's crap and I will make it up to you next weekend" or similar. None of that is happening here.

You reply to that 'Then you need to sort childcare. Any other suggestion, especially that I basically drop all my plans to facilitate yours when you can't even show me enough respect to INFORM me that you expect me to spend a Sunday doing all childcare solo, will really make me think that this marriage exists for me to serve you. I'm sure you don't want me to think that. What exactly is this Sunday thing about, anyway? And if it's so important, could you explain why you haven't even let your family know that you've agreed to it without consulting them?'

It gives me the major humph that any business can demand any commitment from an already busy workforce at the weekend, tbh. It's like they want to own you. I'd never ever work for a firm like that.

I think the anger comes from the fact that OP's DH hasn't tried to reach a compromise. He hasn't even tried to explain what his work commitment actually is and why they are in the situation they are in. Even though this is his fault, his default position is that if he wants/needs to do something, OP should drop all her plans to accommodate him, no explanation required.

I'd want to know exactly what, why and where...

I'd be going through this forensically....

when was this work thing mooted, when did he say yes,
why did he say yes if it was after your arrangements,
where exactly does he think the children will be,
why, why, why, why??