To say no and refuse to accomodate DH's work commitments this weekend?

[Rollergirl1]

I'll give a bit of backstory...

DH typically doesn't go away loads with work but it just so turns out that in the last 4 weeks he had 3 nights away with a "work jolly" in Biarritz (hosted by him, and where he hand-picked all the other invitees). So basically just a lads mini-break. He has also had his work's annual conference, which also required a night away in a hotel. I am fine with all this btw, not objecting to any of it.

This weekend I am due to see a very dear friend and I will be staying overnight on the saturday. There was the option to take the kids with me, as she also has children same age as mine and the kids are good friends, but both mine have parties on the saturday, with DD not returning till gone 7pm so later than I would be leaving and therefore not possible to take them. I chekced with DH when I arranged it weeks ago that he had nothing on and as far as i'm concerned is all sorted.

I reminded him yesterday that I will be away next saturday night. Just now DH emailed me to say that next weekend might be a problem as he has an off-site work thing on the Sunday that starts at 9.30am and requires him to stay overnight on Sunday. He says I will need to take the kids with me, when he already knows that DD won't be home until 7.30pm at least, so I can't take her. And I won't be back in time in the morning to relieve him for him to make the 9.30 start. He knows all this. So he is effectively saying "you can't go on saturday."

I don't want to cancel my night with my friend. I haven't seen her for ages and I haven't been out for ages. DH has tons more opportunity than me to go out, as mentioned above. But I know that DH will say that this work commitment trumps my social commitment. I will say to him that he's known about my plans for at least a month and this work thing has come up unexpectedly and is AT THE WEEKEND so why should I have to cater for that. But the chances are that he said yes to this weeks ago and has only just realised (with me reminding him yesterday) that it's a problem as I won't be around. I did check with him when I was arranging and he said all fine.

So, would it be unreasonable of me to stick to my guns and say i'm going and it's his problem. I hate the fact that he always assumes that I am here to look after our children and that my needs and wants come a very poor second best to his.

Sorry, very long so thanks if you have stuck with....

just read your update - the fact that he forgot what you were doing is neither here nor there. You had told him your arrangements. He hadn't, because he assumes that you will always be around to sort the DC. Wake up and smell the coffee, OP's DH! In fact, I'd start arranging a whole lot more weekend things.

9.30 on a Sunday. Sounds like golf to me!

I think he's taking the piss. His assumption is that he doesn't need to check his diary with you because you will always be available for childcare. Well tough, this time you aren't.

If it was important, and he had come to you and said "I have a real problem. I know I'm responsible for the kids Saturday/Sunday but X has come up at work, can we find a solution" I'd have thought he was at least treating you with respect.

I also get fantastically annoyed with the way some men assume that anything their wife wants to do she can easily do with the kids in tow. His things, of course, cannot.

"Except I know if i say that to DH he will say that it's been in his diary for ages and just forgot that i wasn't around"

Well then he should start treating you with some respect and checking with you before he agrees to things.

i meant suspicious about what kind of work thing he HAS to attend at 9.30 on a sunday morning. it sounds like a game of golf or something equally optional/social.

it's hardly a meeting is it?

He obviously takes you for granted to the extent that he didn't even bother checking that it was okay for him to commit to "working" early on a Sunday morning. Assuming that his "work" isn't at the other end of the country, if he doesn't have to be there until 9.30 on Sunday morning he can look after the children on Saturday night and then sort out childcare for the Sunday.

We?l if he has a diary then he should be putting your commutments in there too.

Yes I understood that your DD won't be back until 7, I was just asking whether you couldn't leave then.

I guess I'm struggling to understand a lot of the angry replies on this thread.

In this situation, assuming it was a work thing that was genuinely important (which no one including the OP apparently has any reason to doubt without evidence), I would be a bit irritated with DH for slipping up on the diary-checking, yes, but then we would work together to identify suitable compromises to ensure we could both do our thing. I wouldn't just completely wash my hands of it (and "laugh in his face" as recommended by one poster, how nice ), if doing so meant a problem with his work. My first question would have been what is the work thing, and how important is it, and is it possible for you to go a bit late. Compromise would probably have been achieved within 5 minutes.

Similarly if he has something planned and a work commitment for me comes up at the last minute, he wouldn't just say oh tough luck, you sort it out, we'd discuss it together to identify what we could do.

Perhaps it's just us. [shrug]

Whether it came up unexpectedly, or was in his diary for ages, it makes no difference.

You made your arrangements weeks ago, and he said quite clearly that it was fine.

If that was a mistake, it was his mistake, and therefore his responsibility to fix it.

Different if it was a genuine work emergency, but I think we're all clear it isn't, aren't we?

He needs to stop assuming that all childcare on the weekend is automatically your responsibility. Because it isn't. They are his children just as mch as they are yours, and you have as much right to make social plans.

I think he's taking the piss. His assumption is that he doesn't need to check his diary with you because you will always be available for childcare. Well tough, this time you aren't.

This is exactly it. It really fucks me off that he assumes that I am just here, without a shadow of a doubt, to look after HIS children. I know that this is what lots of people have said on the thread. And it is the crux of the issue for me.

I really don't know what the work thing is on the sunday so don't know how important it is. He hasn't gone in to detail. He has never had anything like this crop up unexpectedly before, wHich is why I am inclined to think it isn't an unexpected thing for him, rather that he's only just remembered.

You aren't being unreasonable to stick to your guns at all. I hate this default which says that unless it is clearly stated otherwise, the mum is the childcare person, and even when it IS stated clearly otherwise for a particular occasion, the mum is STILL the childcare person if the dad has a better offer.

He's welcome to sort his own weekend out however he wishes, but if he want to go away, too, then he will have to find, book and pay for adequate, safe childcare. You need to make it clear that you will be going - by yourself - whatever he does with that weekend.

'Except I know if i say that to DH he will say that it's been in his diary for ages and just forgot that i wasn't around.'

• Well that's a harsh lesson for him to learn then, but one that's ultimately much more important than any one day with work - you are a separate person with a life. If he's prone to forgetting that - then it's bad news. It ultimately means he doesn't respect you. So he needs to learn. And missing the work thing would be a good way to learn.

'I don't know if it's optional or not. As I say the chances are that DH has probably said yes and has known about it for longer than he will admit.'

-then if that's the case, he definitely doesn't respect you, and this lesson needs to be learned even more. I'd say missing a work jolly and learning that your wife isn't actually the same as having a nanny and a housekeeper on tap and therefore avoiding an eventual divorce is probably more important than not losing some face at work.

If you back down on this OP, it sets a very bad precedent. And you need to talk, seriously, about what this situation actually reveals about him and how he thinks of you. I would be furious, utterly furious at the casual disrespect - the whole thing STINKS of it.

If your husband works in some sort of sales, it's entirely possible that the whole team is being brought together to prepare ahead of a big presentation/pitch to a vendor on Monday. I think many MN's live in a jolly world where the company you work for never makes unpaid demands on your weekend. I wish.

I doubt however, that if he turns up a couple of hours late, anyone will bat an eyelid.

That said, he is being a total cock and should be making abject apologies, doing his level best to sort out childcare until Sunday pm.

YANBU

Agree with others saying that he will need to arrange the childcare.

I would reply saying that no, you won't change your plans and that he will need to speak to his boss/Manager about these last minute work-related events outside of working hours. Suggest that he organizes the childcare and then submits expenses to his company to cover the cost!

Ok, voice out of the choir here. I think YANBU. In some industries work off sites are Fri-Sun, so Sunday morning may not be as unreasonable or optional as others assume. And even if it is a game of golf, or team build img , missing it may not be an option that is available without a cast-iron reason. A partner 's social engagement is not a good reason. So personally I would get him to watch the kids on Sat night then get up early and be home in time for him to go. It strikes me that you are being selfish and not thinking of you and DH as a team, only as a collection of competing individuals.

I work a fair amount of weekends, so was all prepared to come on and say "I'm sure he's not delighted about having to work on the weekend but its work so you'll probably have to suck it up". But having read the OP, I'm with you.

Hopefully there's no need to make it a big drama - if your DH is reasonable you should be able to explain that you can't take the DCs (or at least DD) because you're leaving too early. So he'll have to get someone to sit with them on the Sunday until you're back at X time.

flowery

I think the anger on this thread comes from -
1 - the "off site work thing" is almost certainly a social event. Or at least work-social like golf or a 'team-building' thing
2 - the husband simply said that the OP "will need to" compromise her social event, which is not about discussing together or compromising, but an assumption that his wishes trump hers.

This is exactly it. It really fucks me off that he assumes that I am just here, without a shadow of a doubt, to look after HIS children. I know that this is what lots of people have said on the thread. And it is the crux of the issue for me.

YES it should be.

It's not even that he is asking that you change your plans on going away - which is astonishing - it's that even if you WEREN'T, the assumption is that he can plan stuff for the time he's not supposed to be in work, time when you might have plans, but he doesn't even need to check that with you. Your availability, the complete UNIMPORTANCE of anything you might have planned, is a GIVEN.

Ask yourself - if you hadn't been going away, and this had popped up say tomorrow - 'Oh by the way, I'm on a work thing Sunday morning' - what would you have said? 'Oh. You could have mentioned it earlier. Ok then' ?? - If so, that's a problem. Because he shouldn't have even AGREED to it without ASKING if you would cancel all potential plans and do childcare.

Stick to your guns, please.

As a compromise, could you take the children with you for the night and he has to bring DD to you at a later time?

Let him say its been in the diary for ages. Yours was there first and he needs to understand that's its really disrespectful to ignore that.

If you give in on this where is the motivation for him to realise he is a parent and shouldn't just assume you will always pick up the slack. After all if you hadn't have reminded him of your night away, when was he going to tell you about him going away, Friday?

Guy speaking. I think he's maybe playing away...

Sorry if so - definitely think you should push back

so hang on, he hasn't even explained to you what this work thing is?!?

dh works a lot at weekends
we work around it, sometimes i have to miss things as i can't justify a babysitter for somethings (i know i should but it just seems too extravagant!)
however i would at the very least expect to know exactly what it is and why it is important enough for me to change my plans!

Forgot that you werent around
Forgot to put your plans in his diary
Forgot he has any responsibilities other than the paycheck when it comes to the husband and fathering thing.

Even if he gets his way on this, it cannot be without a loud and clear wake up call that this was his one and only chance to forget to treat you and the children as part of his life. At a minimum, he has just got too caught up in some sort of work related peer pressure of attending these probably more optional than he thinks weekend meetings and needs a wake up call. Maximum is, it's too late, and whether or not there is OW, he has checked out.

Nope, You go visit your friend.

He is in charge of the kids, so HE has to sort out their Babysitter.

(((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))) OP

I agree with Flowery and I don't understand all the anger here.

Of course he should have told you sooner/discussed it etc but if it is work and was unexpected then these things do happen occasionally and you work together to sort it out. He shouldn't assume that you'll sort it but neither should you dictate that he can't go.

I can't believe he's going off on a work thing on a Sunday, that you're this upset about and you haven't found out exactly what it is

If it is really work, then as you both benefit from his job, you both need to solve it. I do think it sounds unlikely to be all compulsory work though, on a Sunday, unless weekend working is common for his organisation which it doesn't sound like it is. DH sometimes has to leave Sunday night for a meeting on Monday morning but he would travel as late as possible Sunday, arriving at the hotel for bedtime.

There must be loads of solutions to this. Neither of you should be dictating that one of you can't go. Work together. DD could stay with friend, you could leave later, he could leave later.....

you need a big conversation about where his loyalties lie....because atm you and the children are nowhere in the ratings.

I am certain this is a jolly, he will NOT have given a second thought to saying yes/no/kissmyarse to because He Comes First and His Plans Matter, his attitude to the fact that you have something you would like to do comes limping in as an also ran.

and as an aside....work thing at 9.30 on a sunday... PAHHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!