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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no and refuse to accomodate DH's work commitments this weekend?

131 replies

Rollergirl1 · 29/09/2014 10:03

I'll give a bit of backstory...

DH typically doesn't go away loads with work but it just so turns out that in the last 4 weeks he had 3 nights away with a "work jolly" in Biarritz (hosted by him, and where he hand-picked all the other invitees). So basically just a lads mini-break. He has also had his work's annual conference, which also required a night away in a hotel. I am fine with all this btw, not objecting to any of it.

This weekend I am due to see a very dear friend and I will be staying overnight on the saturday. There was the option to take the kids with me, as she also has children same age as mine and the kids are good friends, but both mine have parties on the saturday, with DD not returning till gone 7pm so later than I would be leaving and therefore not possible to take them. I chekced with DH when I arranged it weeks ago that he had nothing on and as far as i'm concerned is all sorted.

I reminded him yesterday that I will be away next saturday night. Just now DH emailed me to say that next weekend might be a problem as he has an off-site work thing on the Sunday that starts at 9.30am and requires him to stay overnight on Sunday. He says I will need to take the kids with me, when he already knows that DD won't be home until 7.30pm at least, so I can't take her. And I won't be back in time in the morning to relieve him for him to make the 9.30 start. He knows all this. So he is effectively saying "you can't go on saturday."

I don't want to cancel my night with my friend. I haven't seen her for ages and I haven't been out for ages. DH has tons more opportunity than me to go out, as mentioned above. But I know that DH will say that this work commitment trumps my social commitment. I will say to him that he's known about my plans for at least a month and this work thing has come up unexpectedly and is AT THE WEEKEND so why should I have to cater for that. But the chances are that he said yes to this weeks ago and has only just realised (with me reminding him yesterday) that it's a problem as I won't be around. I did check with him when I was arranging and he said all fine.

So, would it be unreasonable of me to stick to my guns and say i'm going and it's his problem. I hate the fact that he always assumes that I am here to look after our children and that my needs and wants come a very poor second best to his.

Sorry, very long so thanks if you have stuck with....Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Rollergirl1 · 29/09/2014 11:16

There are lots of responses, thank you, but haven't had a chance to read them all. I need to find out exactly what the "work thing" is. But even knowing I don't really want to back down.

For those that are suspicious that something is untoward, i'm am grateful for your concern but I really don't think that is the case here. If it is then he's certainly drawn a hell of a lot of attention to it by making me cancel a long-term engagement...

I am going to call him and find out what it is.

But I am totally on board with the overriding message that he is being a twat of the highest order. This isn't the first time and it definitely needs to be addressed.

Well come back once I know exactly what this sodding "work thing" is!

OP posts:
Explored · 29/09/2014 11:16

Is it just me (being old)? I can't imagine having any such contentious discussion by email, with anyone, let alone DH. The major complaint here is lack of communication, so communicate properly.

RandomMess · 29/09/2014 11:16

You see I suspect that he's known about it for ages and as always just assumed all would be fine, he's f*cked up so childcare is his issue to sort out on this occasion.

Sure if it really had come up at very short notice that would be different!

Explored · 29/09/2014 11:17

Ah, I see you're about to. Good Grin

SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo · 29/09/2014 11:18

You said in your OP that he needed to be away Sunday night, so he could either deliver DD at your friend's after she gets home Saturday or first thing Sunday morning. Simples!

BeckAndCall · 29/09/2014 11:19

Thing is, media is a 24 hour 7 day a week business, so the company's philosophy may be one of trying to be responsive to clients needs at any time... so in that context, i don't see that a Sunday would be unusual. Although it clearly is for your DH.

And knowing what the meeting is, or where, or who with, wouldn't help you to understand how important it is would it? You cant know what his line managers think are their priorities right now.

Pragmatically, id be seeing if the kids can stay over somewhere else or if a relative can maybe come over first thing Sunday until you get back....

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 29/09/2014 11:20

The last time dh did this to me I threw a massive wobbler and told him I was sick of the uncertainty in my life and three divorce at him. Told him that if we were separated an it was his access weekend he would have to sort it and wouldn't have me to fall back on. He seems to take it on board and has actually been pretty good since.

The straw that broke the camels back for me was when I had to take a day off work and miss an extremely important meeting because of a sick child when he admitted later he could have worked from home so I could have at least gone in for the couple of hours the meeting would have taken.

cees · 29/09/2014 11:20

Go see your friend, you should have a break. Your husband needs to wake up and respect you need some time for yourself too.

I really hope you don't cave here, he is treating you like the help rather then an equal partner.

OnlyLovers · 29/09/2014 11:22

YANBU, and his response would really piss me off. You're not saying he can't go, you're just saying you're not there to facilitate him going.

Leave him to sort out the childcare for HIS children. He's a grown man, he can manage.

VinoTime · 29/09/2014 11:23

Op, stick to your guns. You gave him plenty of notice. You can't put your life on hold on the off chance he may have plans. That's not fair. If it was an important meeting, he would have had it scheduled for some time and would have forewarned you, surely?

My response would be:

"Then by all means go on Sunday, DH. You have a few days to get childcare arranged."

Don't cancel your plans because he's being a bit of an arse.

museumum · 29/09/2014 11:23

My DH does social "business development" work crap - taking people to rugby and stuff - but even his boss wouldn't be surprised if he said he couldn't manage a third weekend in a row!

BookABooSue · 29/09/2014 11:23

I understand that it's bloody annoying that he treats you like the default childcare but is there a reason why a babysitter can't watch the DCs on the Sat night?

In my sector (which works closely with the media) we regularly have to work weekends and it is actual work, not a jolly. I'm not saying that there aren't jollies just that it doesn't automatically follow that if you're working on a Sunday morning that it's a jolly. I can think of international conferences and events where we would have to attend on a Sunday to meet clients, lead workshops, etc.

Neither of you have to change your plans. Your DCs need a babysitter. If this is the final straw for you then tell your DH to arrange the babysitter. If it's not the final straw then work together to arrange a babysitter. Then ask your DH how he is going to make sure such clashes don't happen in the future. Make it his responsibility to find a solution that is slightly more evolved than 'I have a woman at home so she can drop everything to watch my offspring'.

RiverTam · 29/09/2014 11:35

you reply to his email - 'well, if you can't not go, you had better sort our childcare for YOUR children, as I won't be here, something you have known for quite a while. But this is not my problem, and therefore not for me to resolve. You are a parent too, do not assume that I am always here to cover this.'

or similar.

clam · 29/09/2014 11:35

I don't see that it matters what the work thing is. You're not saying he can't go to it, just that a), he needs to alter his Neanderthal attitude that you'll sort it all out on the home-front due to his ineptitude, and b), he needs to sort out the cover arrangements for his own children.

RiverTam · 29/09/2014 11:36

Book - of course a babysitter could, though they'd have to be there overnight. But why should the OP have to sort it out - he can.

flowery · 29/09/2014 11:37

I think there are several posters on here who seem to either know a lot more about the OP's relationship than I do, or are massively projecting, because from outward appearances it seems some huge assumptions are being made with no actual reason to do so, at least not initially.

On the face of it this is a small irritation, not reason to completely overreact as some posters have. Communication is necessary, not cryptic half emails.

If there is indeed a wider problem of the OP's DH being inconsiderate and making assumptions that she'll drop everything frequently, and not being apologetic about mistakes or constructive about compromises, then that is an issue, absolutely. It does worry me slightly when people wade in making those assumptions though.

Hey ho.

RiverTam · 29/09/2014 11:42

have you read all the OP's posts, flowery? Because she herself has said, several times, that her DH's continual assumptions that she will always be there to look after THEIR DC is an issue.

So no-one is projecting. It is an issue.

guitarosauras · 29/09/2014 11:48

'Is it just me (being old)? I can't imagine having any such contentious discussion by email, with anyone, let alone DH. The major complaint here is lack of communication, so communicate properly.'

See above, see above, see above etc.

Forgot to say.. my DP is always in media. The late night and weekend work isn't his favorite thing especially when last minute and he truly deserves the occasional 'jolly'. Not saying you don't deserve a change of scenery and a break btw.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 29/09/2014 11:50

"I can't not go!"

"Then your problem is that you need to research and organise childcare to enable you to go. Fortunately you still have several days in which to do it."

Mintyy · 29/09/2014 11:50

Honestly Bookaboo! My husband works every bloody weekend, quite often both days of the weekend. That's his job. You don't need to point out the bleeding obvious.

OwlCapone · 29/09/2014 11:54

You need to discuss this face to face.

whataloadofoldshit · 29/09/2014 11:58

No is a complete sentence.

Explored · 29/09/2014 12:02

LOL, what. Isn't that what DH has said?

BookABooSue · 29/09/2014 12:03

Mintyy I wasn't pointing it out to you. I was pointing it out to the PPs who were saying it's definitely a jolly because it's a Sunday morning. HTH

RiverTam I didn't say the OP had to sort out a babysitter. Hmm Since the OP seemed to be suggesting that either her or DH had to cancel their plans, I was wondering if there was a reason why a babysitter couldn't be used to cover. If you read the rest of my post, my first suggestion was that her DH had to sort out a babysitter.

AMumInScotland · 29/09/2014 12:03

flowery In the very first post, she says "I hate the fact that he always assumes that I am here to look after our children and that my needs and wants come a very poor second best to his"

So I don't think anyone is projecting or making assumptions here - we are responding to the tone of the first post, where it is prefectly clear that this is the last straw and that she considers this to be a lot more than a single small irritation.