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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no and refuse to accomodate DH's work commitments this weekend?

131 replies

Rollergirl1 · 29/09/2014 10:03

I'll give a bit of backstory...

DH typically doesn't go away loads with work but it just so turns out that in the last 4 weeks he had 3 nights away with a "work jolly" in Biarritz (hosted by him, and where he hand-picked all the other invitees). So basically just a lads mini-break. He has also had his work's annual conference, which also required a night away in a hotel. I am fine with all this btw, not objecting to any of it.

This weekend I am due to see a very dear friend and I will be staying overnight on the saturday. There was the option to take the kids with me, as she also has children same age as mine and the kids are good friends, but both mine have parties on the saturday, with DD not returning till gone 7pm so later than I would be leaving and therefore not possible to take them. I chekced with DH when I arranged it weeks ago that he had nothing on and as far as i'm concerned is all sorted.

I reminded him yesterday that I will be away next saturday night. Just now DH emailed me to say that next weekend might be a problem as he has an off-site work thing on the Sunday that starts at 9.30am and requires him to stay overnight on Sunday. He says I will need to take the kids with me, when he already knows that DD won't be home until 7.30pm at least, so I can't take her. And I won't be back in time in the morning to relieve him for him to make the 9.30 start. He knows all this. So he is effectively saying "you can't go on saturday."

I don't want to cancel my night with my friend. I haven't seen her for ages and I haven't been out for ages. DH has tons more opportunity than me to go out, as mentioned above. But I know that DH will say that this work commitment trumps my social commitment. I will say to him that he's known about my plans for at least a month and this work thing has come up unexpectedly and is AT THE WEEKEND so why should I have to cater for that. But the chances are that he said yes to this weeks ago and has only just realised (with me reminding him yesterday) that it's a problem as I won't be around. I did check with him when I was arranging and he said all fine.

So, would it be unreasonable of me to stick to my guns and say i'm going and it's his problem. I hate the fact that he always assumes that I am here to look after our children and that my needs and wants come a very poor second best to his.

Sorry, very long so thanks if you have stuck with....

OP posts:

RiverTam · 29/09/2014 12:09

sorry, Book , doing a flowery there!

BookABooSue · 29/09/2014 12:16

It's ok, RiverTam since my post also completely unintentionally managed to annoy Mintyy I obviously didn't communicate clearly enough. I'm blaming my head cold

TheMaddHugger · 29/09/2014 12:23

Flowery has form for this, You're bashing up against a brick wall.

TheMaddHugger · 29/09/2014 12:24

((((((((((((((((((((Book))))))))))))))))))))

feel better soon, chicken soup and all that

flowery · 29/09/2014 12:25

"have you read all the OP's posts, flowery? Because she herself has said, several times, that her DH's continual assumptions that she will always be there to look after THEIR DC is an issue."

Yes I have thanks, which is why I said initially. She has agreed with lots of the assumptions, which presumably means they are accurate, which is fine, and clearly there is a fundamental problem. She made one comment along those lines in the OP but I don't think that justified the response from some posters. It's just my opinion.

I stand by my comment that there are lots of assumptions that have been made. Some of which may be accurate, and some of which there is no evidence for either way. I'm not going to go through picking out comments, but it's just an observation.

oh, and at "doing a flowery", whatever that means.

I feel I don't belong here, I'm feeling a bit as though I'm in a parallel universe I clearly know nothing about. Off I toddle!

StitchWitch · 29/09/2014 12:25

As one who used to get quite cross about this stuff during marriage, can I just point out that it doesn't get any easier after divorce and lots of other things get much harder for everyone, most of all the children (mine are still gutted and it happened 8 years ago, they see their dad regularly). Going into this - or any issue in marriage - in a really adversarial way is probably going to make things worse rather than better. It would be better to explain that you would have preferred to have him come to you in a more open way, explain the situation and talk to you about how to resolve do everyone gets what they need.

There are so many variables here. Does OP work full-time? Do you have more time to sort childcare than he does? I know I have more contacts to call on when help is needed than my ex does, and it's irritating to beg favours for his difficulties but I do it because we're a team. If his work means he can't fetch the kids from school on his weekend, I fetch them or get someone to help if I am busy. He works at least 8am-8pm most of the time, so I have more time to sort things out.

In this particular situation, a Sunday morning babysitter for a couple of hours does seem like the simplest solution. I don't think it matters who books it. Her DH driving DD to OP after the party would be another option.

Crucially, don't get adversarial about it. There are no winners or losers otherwise everyone loses. If this is a habit for him, talk to him about that. Face to face, like Owl says. You have time, just chat to him tonight. Emails always make things worse when you're disagreeing as tone and facial expression are never conveyed exactly as we intend.

BaffledSomeMore · 29/09/2014 12:25

Haven't read whole thread so apologies if this has been suggested.

How about you go to friend with all dc except dd. Dh has to wait for dd then take her to your friend's house to hook up with you. Then he can go to where he needs to be.

It's convoluted and awkward for him but it is the only alternative to not going.

Explored · 29/09/2014 12:29

No completely Flowery, I agree with you.

There are so many solutions that could be reached by working together without anything getting all unpleasant.

Original poster

Rollergirl1 · 29/09/2014 13:53

Okay, have finally managed to speak to DH. He says that the meeting has honestly only gone in to his diary this morning and he isn't 100% sure what the purpose of it is either. He says they already have a 2 day workshop off site with the same team tomorrow and Wednesday and he fails to see why this additional weekend one is neccesary. So he is going to question the requirement in the next few days.

Anyway, the upshot is that he doesn't expect me to cancel my plans. If he does have to go he says work will have to accept that he will have to go along later on in the day.

So crisis is over (I hope). Thanks for all your responses.

OP posts:

Explored · 29/09/2014 14:00

There you are, talking, instead of getting all cross over e-mail was the answer all along

Catsmamma · 29/09/2014 14:04

a good deal of back pedalling there from dh I'd say!
...suddenly he fails to see why it is necessary and he'll question it now you have called him on it, a man who has been hit in the face with the realisation he has assumed too much.

Remind him when he gets home that he will still have to be/have someone on standby in the event that his "question the requirement" goes tits up

Hope you have a lovely weekend at your chum's either way xx

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 29/09/2014 14:05

I think her DH got the message that she wasnt going to back down.

mellicauli · 29/09/2014 14:16

Another offsite at the weekend? (Eyebrows raised) In my experience, if you were unlucky you'd get one or two a quarter. But with plenty of notice (ie 4 weeks or so). Sorry I just don't believe it. What does he do that requires this level of off sites?

AMumInScotland · 29/09/2014 14:21

Glad to hear he has backed off - he can tell work that he's not available until later. In most lines of work, it would be considered pretty cheeky to suddenly demand people come to a meeting on a weekedn with that little notice.

I know some people are in jobs which expect that kind of 'committment' but they are not the norm.

Hopefully he's now woken up to the concept that he can't just assume you will of course change your plans to accommodate!

Original poster

Rollergirl1 · 29/09/2014 14:36

mellicauli: What is it that you don't believe? What is it that you think is going on instead? You have no idea what my DH does for a living and as such are not in a position to say what is normal and what isn't.

OP posts:

BookABooSue · 29/09/2014 15:16

TheMadHugger thank you for the hug

Rollergirl glad it seems to be resolved - hurrah!

Beastofburden · 29/09/2014 15:19

Well done roller, glad this is looking better. Have a great weekend with your friend.

Want2bSupermum · 29/09/2014 15:30

Read through this and I think your DH should be speaking to them about booking work related events over the weekend. My DH gets called into meetings at 9am in Denmark and he gets push back when asked them to reschedule for the PM. We live in the US. Regardless of my working status, a 9am meeting in Denmark is 3AM which is sleeping time. I defy any Danish person, working their 35hr working week to wake up at 3am for a call to discuss bacon. None of them would do it. Quite frankly there is a greater chance of a rocking horse taking a shit than DH doing a 3am conference call to discuss 'idea's' on how to drive sales in some new market DH is in no way involved with.

Also, travelling over the weekend is not acceptable. I am fine with DH flying out Sunday night for Monday morning meetings in Europe but hell will freeze over before he leaves me again with two kids. It happened once and it will NEVER happen again. I happen to work FT but so do SAHM's. The weekend is when DH spends time with his DC's and wife. Without this time we never get a chance to see each other.

TheMaddHugger · 29/09/2014 15:45

Tis a good update.

tess73 · 29/09/2014 16:07

all those of you with dhs not "allowed" to work/travel at the weekend live in a different world to me.
if you don't know the job/demands/circumstance what is your normal is not someone else's

Beastofburden · 29/09/2014 16:13

My DH does a lot of work at weekends and travels abroad for work at lot. Even now we are both at work, I tend to cover for this as a matter of course.

But he would always check with me. We do a weekly diary session. We have had clashes in the past and we have organised childcare, but in the spirit of, "Oh look, there's a clash, we need some childcare".

Viviennemary · 29/09/2014 16:17

I think work does usually have to take priority over somebody's visiting arrangements. If it's work's jolly that's different but if it's part of his job then he should go.

PenguinsIsSleepDeprived · 29/09/2014 16:21

Tess- well the OP told us iy wasn't normal for her. But also it isn't really about needing to work or not, it is about treating your partner with respect. If either of us had to unexpectedly work the weekend when the other had plans then, as pp's have said, we would have apologised and worked through options. Not announced amf expected the other to just slot in. That is what annoyed the OP, as she spelled out. No?

tess73 · 29/09/2014 16:23

yes i agree as i have done throughout the thread.

my point was just to those towards the end of the thread that seemed to think that working out of hours / at the weekend was unacceptable. it is perfectly normal in mine and dh's life.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/09/2014 16:28

Ok, voice out of the choir here. I think YANBU. In some industries work off sites are Fri-Sun, so Sunday morning may not be as unreasonable or optional as others assume. And even if it is a game of golf, or team build img , missing it may not be an option that is available without a cast-iron reason. A partner 's social engagement is not a good reason. So personally I would get him to watch the kids on Sat night then get up early and be home in time for him to go. It strikes me that you are being selfish and not thinking of you and DH as a team, only as a collection of competing individuals

You are missing the point, the op's prior social arrangement is not the reason the reason is that he has no available childcare.

It's a fact of life that parents need to secure childcare before they can attend work or work socials. How lucky for him that usually he does not need to check because he passes the responsibility to the other parent,this time his lack of taking responsibility has backfired and now he has no childcare

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