Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

There is no way we are paying for this

132 replies

Edenviolet · 28/09/2014 21:26

Had a conversation with dh today about our parents/grandparents and what will happen when they are older.

Dh wants to start putting money aside now so that he can 'chip in' for care home fees for when his DM or Dgm need more help/carers/to go into a care home. I told him that we will not be paying towards it. We have four dcs and especially as far as mil is concerned I will not pay for anything for her (she has caused us no end of oroblems in the past)

Dh thinks I'm BU but I'd rather be saving towards dcs futures not for care home fees?

OP posts:
WestmorlandSausage · 28/09/2014 21:29

Does he know how care is currently funded or is he just assuming he is going to have to pay?

Nicknacky · 28/09/2014 21:30

So is he suggesting you put aside the same amount for your family?

And is he happy for your children to do the same as you will have less money when you are older?

No, YANBU

HappyAsASandboy · 28/09/2014 21:33

YANBU!

If they need care when they're older and their children can't/don't want to care for them personally, they they find it themselves or the state will step in (to whatever extent the state can afford to by then).

Your duty is to your own family - the children you brought in to the world. Save for them, but realise you might need to use some of it for your own care. But no, not for in laws that you don't particularly get on with.

I might think differently if you are a zillionaire with so much money this would be effortless. But I suspect that's not the case here.

clam · 28/09/2014 21:34

Why would he need to chip in? Either his parents/G'parents pay for their own care by using their savings/selling their existing home which they would no longer need, or the State would pay, if they had few/no assets.

BunnyLebowski · 28/09/2014 21:34

YANBU.

I'll rock up to (toxic) FIL's house with a shotgun and a shovel before I'll give him a penny of my kids inheritance.

YANBU. At all.

clam · 28/09/2014 21:35

Is he also planning on saving to fund your parents' and G'parents' care?

LeftRightCentre · 28/09/2014 21:36

YANBU! Your kids come first.

inabranstonpickle · 28/09/2014 21:38

I work as a home carer and I am unfailingly touched at the sacrifices people make for their families.

Are your PILS ill/infirm?

I don't know, is my honest answer. I DO know, if my parents were alive no way would I leave them to fend for themselves. Not a chance. And any husband of mine who told me I was BU would get short shrift. So maybe I do think you're BU.

But I don't know the circumstances.

LeftRightCentre · 28/09/2014 21:40

I would not accept money from my kids for my care home unless they had it to spare. I hope to die before that, plan on it, even. I want them to use whatever resources they have for themselves and their own children, should they want them.

MehsMum · 28/09/2014 21:42

Strewth: clearly we are very old fashioned in this house in feeling a sense of responsibility towards MIL (the last of DCs' grandparents). She is part of our family - she brought DH into the world. In the past when money was fairly tight we still helped MIL financially through a tough patch when she needed it.

OP you sound as if you don't get on with your MIL, so I can see why you don't feel inclined to help her out, but what about your own parents? Do you plan to help them financially? Will you help at all with those weekend visits to unblock the gutters, clean the windows and mow the lawn when your own parents can't quite manage it anymore?

gobbynorthernbird · 28/09/2014 21:42

Seriously? Has he no clue as to how difficult things were recently? He needs to save for his own household.

JeanSeberg · 28/09/2014 21:43

Does he have any idea of how much care costs? You must have a lot of spare money left over each month.

thenightsky · 28/09/2014 21:44

This is currently an issue in our household.

My sister is expecting me to contribute to our mum's care if she should need it. My sister is child-free, but I have two DC who I feel I should put first.

ilovechristmas1 · 28/09/2014 21:44

stuff that your MIL is not a very nice women from what i can remember

and you would need to chip in ALOT to pay for a care home

Original poster
Edenviolet · 28/09/2014 21:45

His DM and Dgm have no savings, don't own their own homes so I would assume it would be state funded care when needed. Dh wants to put aside money to be able to have a choice of where they go in an 'only the best for my DM' attitude.

The conversation started as my DM has been acting in a very vulnerable "I'm so ill" way lately and as dsis wants to move out of the area we were having a what if conversation about my DM which then prompted dh to mention his plans.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 28/09/2014 21:46

Bloody hell, Hedgehog!!! Are these the inlaws that have attempted to bleed you dry already and still owe you money? (Hope I have the right poster!)
If I have; tell him he'll do this over your dead body.

inabranstonpickle · 28/09/2014 21:46

Left, you know, my dad used to say exactly that. But in insisting that your kids be selfish you are in a sense asking them to be burdened with guilt. I'm phrasing that clumsily, but could YOU live with yourself if you let your mum or dad live in a home where they were treated cruelly? A home which was pitifully short staffed and your mum or dad were left in wet bedding or covered in faeces and/or vomit, where a cup of tea was shoved down their throat twice a day, they were out to bed at 5 due to lack of staffing ... I could go on.

I get it. But I wish I had been able to care for my mum and dad. It's not just about you but about the fact that whatever decision they make on your behalf they will have to live with for the rest of their life.

It may be a redundant point. My mum and dad didn't need to go into a care home - they died young. But if they HAD, I could not have lived with just shoving them somewhere cheap! I'd have wanted them at home as long as possible anyway.

S simple to say oh the state will pay but when you see what the state actually pay for you might think again.

It terrifies me. Luckily (!) I probably won't live much past 70.

clam · 28/09/2014 21:47

MehsMum It's nothing to do with a sense of responsibility. And helping out in the physical and practical ways you mention is par for the course in families - I would hope. But that's a far cry from a needless financial sacrifice of setting aside much-needed money from the OP's family for something that may not be even needed way in the future. Care home fees are astronomical - by today's standards around £1000 per WEEK. How much of a difference is saving a bit today really going to help with those figures?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 28/09/2014 21:49

My DM has more than enough squirrelled away to pay for any care needs/help with house and garden etc so she will manage fine. Dh's family have nothing but I really don't feel that its down to dh to start saving now or ever for that matter.
I tried to tell him that care costs are huge (my grandad was in a home that was hundreds of pounds a week a few years ago) but he said it was just something he always assumed he would help out with. We don't have much left over each month and although our finances are a lot better than they were any extra I feel we should save for our dcs.

OP posts:
clam · 28/09/2014 21:50

branston I'm sure that many of the horror stories you're talking about have also happened in private care homes too.

123upthere · 28/09/2014 21:50

That's an interesting one. Like previous poster said what happens if other siblings are child free living abroad by choice and have no interest in their (toxic) parents? Is it left up to me, the only one who has a family of her own to look after? Other sibling is closer, but again single child free etc very different lifestyles

Sorry not a thread hijack you've raised a really interesting question OP. I'm not sure of an answer.

Do they have no funds at all to rely on for their own care? Why is DH so keen to do this? Have they told him to?

LadyLuck10 · 28/09/2014 21:50

It's a tough position op. One one hand your kids come first, on the other I don't think you have the right to tell someone how to care for their parent.

MisForMumNotMaid · 28/09/2014 21:50

I think its touching that he has a sense of moral responsibility for his family (hopefully this includes your side too).

I wonder if there is some form of compromise that would look after your DC and the older generations interests. A pot of money in an account / savings scheme that requires both of your signatures.

The exact uses of the money could be discussed over time but in the meantime the pot would start to grow.

Are the older generation completely without assets or means to support contribution towards carer services?

QuintessentiallyQS · 28/09/2014 21:50

£4k per month. Do you have that to set aside? How much is he planning to set aside, and for how many years? Theres two of them, thats 8k per month. 8k is what, a years tuition fees in Uni? Drop in the ocean for your dh, I suppose.....

Original poster
Edenviolet · 28/09/2014 21:50

Yes that's me, they did pay it back eventually but it took years and I'm not prepared after the hell mil especially put us through to then save up in order to help her out one day.

OP posts: