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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

There is no way we are paying for this

132 replies

Edenviolet · 28/09/2014 21:26

Had a conversation with dh today about our parents/grandparents and what will happen when they are older.

Dh wants to start putting money aside now so that he can 'chip in' for care home fees for when his DM or Dgm need more help/carers/to go into a care home. I told him that we will not be paying towards it. We have four dcs and especially as far as mil is concerned I will not pay for anything for her (she has caused us no end of oroblems in the past)

Dh thinks I'm BU but I'd rather be saving towards dcs futures not for care home fees?

OP posts:

LeftRightCentre · 28/09/2014 22:24

I love it when people keep saying they are hiding a thread or stepping away and then they do neither.

QuintessentiallyQS · 28/09/2014 22:24

Branston, do you have children? You seem remarkably naive regards to the costs and responsibilities related to parenthood.

YonicScrewdriver · 28/09/2014 22:25

Branston, OP has said nothing about preventing her DH visiting her MIL etc

QuintessentiallyQS · 28/09/2014 22:25

"They might die.

And then the OP and her DH will have to live with the decisions they made. Not just in concrete but in the abstract. "

You are a bit nasty on this thread Branston, I am beginning to feel really sorry for you.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 28/09/2014 22:25

We would of course visit any relative who ends up needing to be in a care home or to be cared for at home. I'm not heartless, even after the grief dh's family have caused if one of them were ill dh would do things like cut the grass, clean, visit, take them out etc etc. time I would be willing to give plenty of, and kindness but not money that our dcs will need.

OP posts:

ilovechristmas1 · 28/09/2014 22:25

op by all means many help out elderly parenst,my parents used to pay my nans line rental,money for electric etc,and all the siblings used to chip in for a washing machine

but there is a big difference in talking Nursing Homes

even if your mil was the best mil in the world your finances just wont allow it

ClashCityRocker · 28/09/2014 22:26

Then maybe he should save his money for his DCs and spend time visiting his elderly relatives?

LeftRightCentre · 28/09/2014 22:26

She doesn't have children, QS, much less 4 disabled ones.

ClashCityRocker · 28/09/2014 22:27

X post.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 28/09/2014 22:27

It just irritated me that dh knows for the last few months I've been saving that £150 a month and wants to earmark it already for mil one day.

OP posts:

clam · 28/09/2014 22:28

I think branston is having an overly emotional response to this. Any family that can't fund over 50K a year for a not-even-top-notch care home (and let's face it, that's all of us), has to do the next best thing, which is to spend as much time as they can in ensuring that their parents are as comfortable and happy as possible wherever they are. Visiting often, organising trips and visits, making sure they're fed, watered and have clean clothes, and their personal comforts seen to.
That's worth more than money.

Just as well, really.

QuintessentiallyQS · 28/09/2014 22:29

Ah, so Branston wades in, and speaking without knowledge of parenthood and caring for children, caring for the elderly, and without having 8k per month to pay in care home fees, yet claims a halo for saying she would pay 8k per month?

Original poster

Edenviolet · 28/09/2014 22:29

Dh often pops round to his Dgm, hoovers if he can (dependant on his own health), sits with her and has a chat etc. to me that's what matters more not saving up what little money we have for people who may not need it when it could be for dcs. I feel really put out that he prioritises them over dcs.

OP posts:

ClashCityRocker · 28/09/2014 22:30

There is plenty of help and support he can give them in their old age should they require it that doesn't require a financial contribution that will be, at best, a drop in the ocean.

Especially if that money can make a real difference to your DCs.

KatieKaye · 28/09/2014 22:38

Oh Hedgehog, I've read some of your older threads and know how difficult things have been for you. Especially the travel costs.
How brilliant that you have got your finances sorted out. Well done, because it can't have been easy. In your position, I'd be having a nest egg set aside for emergencies where you might need extra money for taxis etc. And given the hard times you've had, I'd be thinking about a family holiday, because I think you deserve one. I think DH had gone away, but not you?
If DH really wants to do something for his parents, then surely visiting them would be the best thing?
BTW - I know exactly what it is like to have elderly parents in need of care. Dad was in a care home for the last year of his life and Mum is currently in hospital after a fall downstairs. She has carers 4 times a day at home and one of them found her. Not sure how much longer she can manage to live at home.

Maisyblue · 28/09/2014 22:41

I've never actually heard of anyone doing this. I don't think it's the child's responsibility to pay tbh. If it's something he's always assumed he would do it makes me wonder if his parents brought him up to think he should finance their care. His duty should surely be towards his children, if his mother has no savings or property then she'll get her fees for a nursing home paid by the government. Has she actually said that she expects her son to pay for her care?

Original poster

Edenviolet · 28/09/2014 22:44

No, I think dh is just planning ahead. His Dgm is quite frail now and ithink he's anticipating it as mil would not be able to have her move in with her as mil struggles with day to day things herself due to being very overweight, having back and knee problems etc so could not care for his Dgm as well as herself.

OP posts:

Moreisnnogedag · 28/09/2014 22:46

See if you get on well with your parents then of course you want to help out. But seem people are horrible and nasty people and don't deserve huge sacrifices from others.

My parents have no savings (mainly from killing themselves bringing us to this country) and we are in the process of getting an annexe on our land for them. PIL own their own home and have savings. If FIL passes I'm sure mil will come here too. But we do this because they are all much loved who love us both dearly. So yes, we'd do anything for them. If they were horrible I'm sure we'd have a different viewpoint.

TracyBarlow · 28/09/2014 23:36

I agree with what KatieKaye said.

I would also go further and say that I can't believe you are still putting up with your H's appalling attitude towards you and his disabled children. He consistently puts his parents' and his own needs above yours and those of your disabled children.

Did you ever get the driving / car situation sorted? And did he bugger off on holiday again leaving you holding the fort again?

Keep your money for yourself and your children. They are really, really going to need it one day. Your MIL should have bloody well saved up for her own care home fees while she had the chance.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/09/2014 23:41

YANBU

Is the done thing not just buying a subscription to the telegraph and having done with the matter these days?
Given that that's a realistic contribution for most people.as opposed to selling your house because you may still want to live in it

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/09/2014 23:42

Must remember to refresh sorry op

Calaveras · 29/09/2014 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kitnkaboodle · 29/09/2014 01:03

I don't understand the situation . If your relatives are assessed as needing care, are not home owners and have little money, then the state will pay for their care. You don't need to chip in as relatives. I don't think there's an issue (apart from the fact that your DH doesn't seem torealise this)

HicDraconis · 29/09/2014 03:19

We don't put money aside for our parents each month (then again we don't put any aside for children yet, but we're working on that).

If they have an unexpected bill (like when my father's boiler broke down in winter, or FiL had car issues, or MiL moved house) then we look at our finances and see how much we have in the rainy day fund to send them to help out (which obviously we don't expect back).

When we're on more of an even keel financially (should be the start of next year, now the house is finally finished), we'll be putting money aside for our children and our parents in case they need it. Not for care homes though, for extra things that otherwise they wouldn't be able to have. They all own homes that can be sold for care home fees.

Momagain1 · 29/09/2014 03:29

Savings are good. But your family comes first. His mum comes after assuring you have the advised amount of emergency funds for your family, house, and after money you have agreed to support your kids (if any) through college or Uni or home purchase, and assuming your own retirement fund is filling up at an appropriate rate.

Before supporting Dm and Dgm, the above needs to be at least well underway, otherwise, you are recreating their situation for yourselves.

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