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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

There is no way we are paying for this

132 replies

Edenviolet · 28/09/2014 21:26

Had a conversation with dh today about our parents/grandparents and what will happen when they are older.

Dh wants to start putting money aside now so that he can 'chip in' for care home fees for when his DM or Dgm need more help/carers/to go into a care home. I told him that we will not be paying towards it. We have four dcs and especially as far as mil is concerned I will not pay for anything for her (she has caused us no end of oroblems in the past)

Dh thinks I'm BU but I'd rather be saving towards dcs futures not for care home fees?

OP posts:

firesidechat · 28/09/2014 22:06

When dh and I first got together, we lived in a flat. When we were expecting ds, we knew the flat no longer met our needs, so we pooled all our resources and bought a larger house that did meet our needs.

One day, when our health fails and we perhaps need to live in a place that supports those health needs, our current house won't suit us, so we will sell it and use the proceeds to fund the next phase of our lives - just as we have always done.

Why is this idea so shocking to some people?

Absolutely Clam. I couldn't agree more.

ClashCityRocker · 28/09/2014 22:07

But the adage you get what you pay for isn't correct, in care home terms, at least not in my experience.

My dgp was in five care homes - he started going in on a respite basis. The most expensive one was the worse by far - the way they spoke to my dgp was appalling. Similarly, and as I said above, a lot of care homes are mixed state and private funded.

Certainly, every care home within a fifteen mile radius of here has some state residents.

MammaTJ · 28/09/2014 22:07

these*

Original poster

Edenviolet · 28/09/2014 22:07

None of them need care yet. Dh is planning for the future, to save and have a lump sum to help pay for their care when needed.

OP posts:

inabranstonpickle · 28/09/2014 22:07

Fireside, I won't say any more but I would strongly suggest you install cameras in your MILs room. Especially if she has dementia, however mild.

clam · 28/09/2014 22:07

"As long as the inheritance is untouched!"

Branston that was uncalled for. At no point has the OP, or anyone on this thread, said anything about wanting to ring-fence an inheritance. I don't even think there is one in this case, but that's beside the point. The OP is talking about saving money out of her own family's precious income.

YonicScrewdriver · 28/09/2014 22:08

OP, does your DH have any ideaog costs?

Original poster

Edenviolet · 28/09/2014 22:09

No, he just wanted to start saving

OP posts:

clam · 28/09/2014 22:09

Yes, branston, we understand the concept of sarcasm. But you're missing the point. This is NOT about an inheritance.

firesidechat · 28/09/2014 22:11

She doesn't have dementia. It's much, much worse than that and no we won't be installing cameras, thanks very much.

travailtotravel · 28/09/2014 22:11

Does your DH know your family finances and what you have left each month, and what it is for? I only ask as my DH is fairly divorced from the true cost of things these days and it needs pointing out to him.

Everything we need should probably cost £1.99 in his mind. There is obviously a completely separate understanding of finances attached to gadgets and whether we can afford them.

TheBookofRuth · 28/09/2014 22:11

Dear god, some of you are harsh! I don't particularly get on with my MIL but I can't imagine not helping out as best we could if she needed it.

QuintessentiallyQS · 28/09/2014 22:12

"I would sell my SOUL to pay for their care home fees " I am sorry you lost your parents young, but you must have a very valuable soul if you could sell it for £96k+ a year, for x amount of years to pay carehome fees for two people.... So, what you are saying is pretty meaningless, especially as OP only has £ 1800 per year to set aside against your 96k .

ClashCityRocker · 28/09/2014 22:13

Is he feeling guilty about something with regards to his parents? And maybe trying to overcompensate?

I can completely understand why someone faced with a parent who needs additional support wanting to help, but it seems a big jump from that to wanting to effectively use his children's savings to fund a completely hypothetical situation.

YonicScrewdriver · 28/09/2014 22:14

I think it is worth him or you researching costs and pointing out, as others have on this thread, that you couldn't make a meaningful difference to an indefinite period of care home fees.

My DH did contribute for his DGM but she was already in situ and her own assets had run out and we could afford it (no DCs at that time). £150 PCM sounds to me like enough to build your emergency account for broken boiler /car/roof etc but not for much else. Maybe you could pay something towards a nice thing at whatever home she's in (monthly visit from a hairdresser or physio or nail technician or similar). Or save the money for petrol/train fares for more frequent visits or little gifts.

Ilovenicesoap · 28/09/2014 22:15

At the expense of the OPs own children TheBook???
The op has £150 a month leftover .
She is hardly saying she is going to spend it on furlined knickers and champagne

inabranstonpickle · 28/09/2014 22:15

Yes - so her children's inheritance?

I said on my first reply I didn't know if the OP was BU or not.

I will make this final point and then hide the thread as it is really upsetting me disproportionately.

As with most things it comes down to the way it is worded. If the thread had said 'AIBU to prefer to put money aside for DCs than fund care that might not even be needed for pil' I would have mixed feelings but generally say no, YANBU.

But this thread title has REALLY upset me. 'No way' is so firm and absolute and unyielding. 'This' might be desperately needed homecare. My job is in people's homes and two fifteen minute calls a day might be the only human contact some get. I'm not joking! Care homes are so expensive that only the worst go in - the rest are left at home and sometimes that's a good thing when there are kind and involved family members and other times it's not. Cost is more than money.

Then when you say 'I'm not paying for this' you just don't know when those words come back to haunt you. I see so many sad cases, people in their 80s and 90s and so frail and infirm and people say well, your mum and dad never got like that! But they should. It's wrong they didn't live their lives out fully and the. When I see people who have got parents and grandparents and just take it for granted, it does upset me. And yes I know not all parents are a joy. But then surely everyone's entitled to a bit of humanity and not just be a figure, a sum totally of COST?

It's just a horrible thread, I'm sorry. Not because of WHAT it asks but because of HOW.

firesidechat · 28/09/2014 22:16

But the op isn't talking about the idea of helping out a random mil. Of course it is great if you have lovely relatives and pots of money to spread around, however this is her mil and her financial situation, which makes it difficult, if not impossible to help out.

YonicScrewdriver · 28/09/2014 22:16

(PS I know that the above don't gut with your history with MIL but it would be better to commit a sustainable amount to brightening her life than give her £x upfront only for her to have to move care homes after a year when the £ has run out)

ilovechristmas1 · 28/09/2014 22:18

Never mind hedgehog. Maybe they will do what my parents did and die. Your DH won't have parents, your children won't have grandparents but hey. As long as the inheritance is untouched

FGS this is not about your personal experiences and by posting you are trying to stall debate

ive noticed this more and more on here

LeftRightCentre · 28/09/2014 22:20

Here's your halo then, branston. The OP has four children with complex medical needs and £150 a month to save up. And from her other threads, it's a wonder she even speaks to this MIL and GM. They have financially compromised the OP's family for years. They don't give a shit about the grandkids and their future.

QuintessentiallyQS · 28/09/2014 22:20

Branston, are you stirring for the sake of it?

OP says clearly "Dh thinks I'm BU but I'd rather be saving towards dcs futures not for care home fees?"

Then she goes on in a later post to specify: "I don't know what the future may hold for dcs so if I can save for them I feel that's worthwhile. Whether it is towards university, driving lessons, medical equipment I'd like to in a few years time have some money set aside for each of them."

Pretty sensible, Id say?

Nowhere does she say she wants an inheritance for her children.

inabranstonpickle · 28/09/2014 22:21

It's true though Christmas.

They might die.

And then the OP and her DH will have to live with the decisions they made. Not just in concrete but in the abstract.

Can they live with that? I couldn't. But - I'm guessing from the thread title the OP obviously can.

And, of course I'm bringing personal experience to it. Personal experience from working in the field and personal experience that knows in my gut I couldn't have looked at the woman in the mirror if I'd refused to help my parents out. But you're right in a sense that we are all different.

I'm hiding the thread. It's vile.

LeftRightCentre · 28/09/2014 22:22

An inheritance of medical needs. Yep.

inabranstonpickle · 28/09/2014 22:23

Interchange inheritance with savings.

No, I'm certainly not stirring. Just very upset and have clarity as to why I see so many people living in shit and filth with no visitors on a daily basis. I really do as well; I wish I was stirring!

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