There is no way we are paying for this

[Edenviolet]

Had a conversation with dh today about our parents/grandparents and what will happen when they are older.

Dh wants to start putting money aside now so that he can 'chip in' for care home fees for when his DM or Dgm need more help/carers/to go into a care home. I told him that we will not be paying towards it. We have four dcs and especially as far as mil is concerned I will not pay for anything for her (she has caused us no end of oroblems in the past)

Dh thinks I'm BU but I'd rather be saving towards dcs futures not for care home fees?

Can you afford to put money away? If I had extra money I'd save it not for a specific purpose like that but for when the unexpected happens and decide if and when the time comes.
Are you prepared to give your inlaws the same help in their old age that you'll give your own?

Wow, your responsibility is to your dc, they should plan /save/sell/fend for themselves, especially if you don't get on with them?! Let's hope your children's children treat them better than your treating your older relatives! Fwiw they are your dh parents not your pil, he wants to save for them, presumably he'd be open to you doing the same for yours. You know that saying "judge a man on how he treats his mother" I think a few people on this thread should have a serious think about how they'd look judged in that light.

Having worked in the care industry I'd say the single thing that makes the difference between excellent and poor care is the level of involvement and interest the family has. I fully intend to ensure my parents are cared for - whatever it takes - and hope to goodness my dc will do the same for me. I've seen the what can happen when family take the attitude some of you are.

Actually, this is a horrible thread! I've no idea of the history but I am just imagining if my own darling parents were still alive, my spouse sneering and saying no WAY am I paying for them ... It's horrible. I'm hiding it. I'm sorry but do a week working for a home care firm and a week for a care home and then come back and say the state will pay!

Your husband is being very unreasonable. I've read a few of your threads and with the best will in the world there is no way that he could save enough to make any difference. Care is massively expensive and any savings would run out very quickly and then what? Move them to a cheaper home?

I wouldn't want our children to feel any obligation to pay for our care in old age. That is our responsibility and ours alone.

I wish we did have 4k over each month! Currently its about £150 a month spare that I've been saving for dcs.

I have no doubt at all that if I were to say to dh I wanted to save for my parents he would agree but I don't want to. It just made me wonder when he said that obviously he along with his two siblings would chip in for mil/Dgm care fees if needed if that is what everybody does, if it is just 'expected'

Those who are saying the op is being unreasonable obviously have no idea of her financial situation. Easy for them to say.

Unless you're super rich, it's unlikely that he'll be able to save enough to fully fund private care. My dgp has recently passed away, spent four years in a care home at a cost of £72k (funded through the sale of his home).

He would have been mortified if he thought that any of his kids or grandkids were funding it...particularly at the cost of helping the great grandkids set up in life.

It's not as simple as having a choice as to where to go - even if you can pay. It depends on vacancies and the specific needs of the residents and certainly around here all bar one of the care homes offer a mix of private and state funded places.

Has he discussed his plans with his parents? I would've hoped that they would have told him not to be so ridiculous.

The most important thing to spend when someone reaches that position is time.

Personally, my grandad was a bit sad for the last four years of his life - because he was in a care home, not his home. It wouldn't have mattered if it was the ritz, he wouldn't have been completely happy. It was the visits from his family and time spent with him that made it bearable for him.

I feel an obligation to my dcs not my parents or dh's parents. I don't know what the future may hold for dcs so if I can save for them I feel that's worthwhile. Whether it is towards university, driving lessons, medical equipment I'd like to in a few years time have some money set aside for each of them.

There's a difference between chipping in, and paying for. But all that is beside the point.

I bet if someone started a thread saying they were concerned about the health of ageing parents and they wanted to put money aside for the possibility of care in the future and their DH had replied with the ops title, the responses would be that the DH was controlling, possibly financially abusive, alienating OP from their family - I could go on!

It's something that's going to require adult discussion but "there is no way we are paying for this" is NOT an adult discussion. It's controlling and isolating and rude.

What's to say that they have pots squirrelled away that they haven't ever mentioned?

Surely as individuals we live out lives not expecting our children to fund our retirements? Do we?

In this case then it's a no from me. Yanbu. You're responsible for yourself your DCs then DH.

Your mil has had her whole life to save up for retirement perhaps she should have planned it so as to not expect children to sort it? What if she hadn't had children? What would have happened?

Really doesn't help matters that she has been a toxic presence either.

Saving for 70% your kids and 20% you & Dh then 10% mil may be a compromise?

8 thousand pounds a month, branston for the two of them. Not really beside the point, is it?

The op has four children with complex medical needs, branston. Her first duty is to them.

I should perhaps add that now my children are out of full time education and once they have left home, then I won't feel obliged to fund them either.

We need to save for our own old age.

Fireside, I for one am not, because put simply if you don't have it, you don't have it.

But people need to realise that the adage 'you get what you pay for' is true in care as well and to be honest ideally it is something we all need to think of. I personally wouldn't want or expect my children to pay for my care home fees - BUT, I would hope they loved me enough to want to, even if they couldn't.

I think that's what has upset me so much about this thread.

Never mind hedgehog. Maybe they will do what my parents did and die. Your DH won't have parents, your children won't have grandparents but hey. As long as the inheritance is untouched!

So, if OP has £150 spare per month, and she keeps £50 for her 4 children, £50 for her dhs grandmother, and £50 for dhs mum, this will be just £1100 for each old person after a year of saving. Are people really thinking she should save a whole year for 1 weeks care???? Hello peeps, what planet are you on???

I think that due to last financial involvement from dh's family I've had to be quite blunt with him.

Up until a few months ago things were dreadful financially. It has taken me hours and hours of working out budgets, paying things off and allocating money to various savings pots and being very careful with day to day spending to get us back into a good situation where money is concerned. Now we are able to have approx £150 over each month I want to save it for emergencies/dcs not for dh to set it aside for mil/his Dgm. I know how much he cares for them and wants to think ahead to a time when they need help and that's admirable but I feel its misplaced loyalty when we have four disabled dcs so I have to just tell him "no, we are not doing this" and it us controlling if me but I have to be controlling to keep on top of things so they don't go wrong again. I worked hard to sort our finances out, really really hard.

I started this thread just to check that it wasn't actually the case that people routinely did this and that I wasn't being really unreasonable.

First duty? Last I checked there wasn't a list up in my kitchen with a family member I loved most then a second then a third ... Surely most people provide for their families on an as and when basis.

My point isn't that the OP should bankrupt herself. It's the lack of compassion, tenderness and humanity that's got to me. Well, I'M not paying - she says so herself.

I won't have four children. I hope I might have two, and if I do, I don't want them to pay for me in my old age. But good lord I hope they marry someone with an ounce of heart!

When dh and I first got together, we lived in a flat. When we were expecting ds, we knew the flat no longer met our needs, so we pooled all our resources and bought a larger house that did meet our needs.

One day, when our health fails and we perhaps need to live in a place that supports those health needs, our current house won't suit us, so we will sell it and use the proceeds to fund the next phase of our lives - just as we have always done.

Why is this idea so shocking to some people?

You've £150 a month to spare, I wouldn't worry so you can't give what you don't have.

As long as the inheritance is untouched! What a callous thing to say, Branston. You clearly have no concept of what caring for sick and elderly parents entail, emotionally and financiall, and especially not if you are sandwiched between old and young needing care.

It's only a minority of old people that need to go into a care home, so it may not be an issue.

I'm also fully aware that you get what you pay for. Mil is in a very expensive, specialist care home, fully funded by the local authorities. It is very nice, some of the others my husband looked at were not so nice.

I agreegobby care fees are in the hundreds per week more for specialist care.
He is being ridiculous unless you are totally loaded.
£600 a week is a conservative estimate-£31,200 a year.

If they dont have the means to fund this then the state will pay some or all depending on need-I think the threshold is around £23K in terms of savings/assets.
He could be paying when he doesnt need to.

It is not about inheritance. Mil and Dgm have no savings, they are actually both in a lot of debt. They have council homes so there will be no properties to sell. Iam not interested in preserving any money for us

My own DM has a lot of savings hidden away and owns the majority of her home. I hope that if she needs care then she uses her money, all of it if need be to fund comfortable and suitable care for herself. If she dies without a penny so be it that's not my motivation.

Didn't you get the sarcasm, and the sentence that preceded it?

My mum was 52 when she died, my dad 69. I was 16 and 32 respectively. I would sell my SOUL to pay for their care home fees as it would mean they'd lived long enough to need it.

Callous, ha ha.

YANBU! I know the history, no way do you pay for there people!