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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want to Complain(& to think DH handled this like a wuss]

181 replies

RockinHippy · 28/09/2014 11:26

Or am I over reacting because DD is already having a really tough time & just didn't need this upset too Confused

As her 12th birthday treat DD wanted a day of shopping with her best friend, including a meal in her favourite pizza place & then onto the cinema.

Sadly due to health problems, they were both too exhausted & overwhelmed by shopping in town on a Saturday - so they skipped the meal & headed home to chill out to recharge for the cinema instead (bizarrely not only do they share a less than common name, they both share the same health condition, which includes CFS & anxiety as symptoms :( )

They are both very sensible, mature 12 yr olds, who look & act older

On proudly arriving at the cinema to see a 12A film on their own, they were refused entry & told they need proof of age - nothing on the cinemas website or notice board says proof of age needed for a 12A, (only 15 & 18 - which is fair enough) SM was quite happy to take their money for over priced popcorn & drinks though, but not for cinema ticketsHmm

DD rang us, obviously upset & embarrassed to be stopped in front of a queue full of teens & preteens, but holding it together & acting maturely.

DH ran down to the cinema with her passport - that not only proved her age, but clearly showed it was her birthday - he told the staff member that it was DDs birthday & that they were both 12 & had parents permission to be there on their own.

Staff member was having none of it, refusing because he only had ID for one of the girls - DH said SM was polite & Young & he thought she might just be new & over zealous, so he didn't want to make a big fuss, but this SM refused point blank to back down no matter what DH said.

Though unfortunately DDs friend got so flustered that she accidentally gave her wrong month of birth, making her a week under 12, she corrected this, but SM refused to believe & insisted that they could only go in, if DH went in with them - At this point I would have been discretely demanding to see the manager - DH sadly didn't want to make any further fuss because the SM was polite & "sorry"

This ended up with DD running off to hide her tears as she was so upset & humiliated - on her birthday! Angry :(

DH ended up having to go in with them - even more annoying, as I was at home just finishing off cooking a meal for us both

AIBU in thinking this was a bloody ridiculously Jobsworth thing to do & on DH arriving with passport the SM should have just backed down & apologised & to want to make a formal complaint?

TIA

OP posts:
AgaPanthers · 29/09/2014 00:34

There is no specific law against underage children watching movies, but under the law cinemas must be licensed and going against the terms of the licence is a criminal offence.

gingee · 29/09/2014 00:46

Tbh I feel sorry for the staff member. You just can't win these days. Hope he's not disciplined or anything. I don't see how your dd or her friend looking 'elegant' or wearing geeks has got anything to do with it, some 12 year olds look 18 these days, they're still 12 though. My dd was in 8-9 clothes with size 1 feet at 12 she soon got used to be constantly asked about her age. It's just part if life.

gingee · 29/09/2014 00:46

Heels not geeks

NoodleOodle · 29/09/2014 00:58

Gah, I would have been upset that something like this had tainted a b'day, had it happened to a DC of mine. Strictly speaking yabu, but emotively I would have felt as you did and I'm glad the manager has managed to make both you and DD happier.

I don't think DH did anything wrong, and it's much easier to think of solutions when you're not under pressure, and with the advantage of hindsight. If he had asked to speak to the manager, their experience and authority could have helped in this situation. Manager could have mentioned that they accept phone photo of passport as ID. Then friend could have had her parents text her the photo, which would have enabled them to go in alone. By only dealing with the inexperienced server, he only got the annoying 'computer says no' response, where the manager or any more experienced staff member who knew they'd accept phone pics of a passport could have resolved the issue slightly better. There's nothing to berate him for though, he did succeed in getting them in at least.

NoodleOodle · 29/09/2014 01:16

And, to those posters who think OP not only unreasonable but also overreacting, I'm sure you would be upset if your DD had cried on their birthday and want to release the protective lioness, or not? And, I think that's what OP was getting at re DH being a 'wuss', in that he didn't seem to want to roar like a protective lion to give DD the lovely, age appropriately independent birthday party she wanted.

(I've completely blathered on now I know, sorry.)

AgaPanthers · 29/09/2014 01:30

you what? He ran around to ensure his daughter got her birthday treat, which she did, and he didn't act like a prick by screaming at the staff for not breaking the law and getting kicked out. Wuss, what?

spidey66 · 29/09/2014 01:38

I don't have kids and therefore would times find it hard to guess a kids age. The SM was not being unreasonable, he may have similar problems guessing a child's age.

SirChenjin · 29/09/2014 07:53

I would not roar like a protective lioness any more than Dh would roar like a lion in these circumstances - we would have taken responsibilty for making sure that they had the appropriate ID, and would have accepted the consequences if they had been refused entry. No need for any roaring whatsoever.

UncleT · 29/09/2014 08:04

YABU. They're obviously not going to give way if the girl with no ID gets her own birthday wrong. What should your 'wuss' of a husband have done? Punched someone perhaps? Sworn at them? Shouted loads? Can't see that helping. Give him a break and send them with ID next time.

WeirdCatLady · 29/09/2014 08:07

OP, as an aside, have you heard of AYME? It's the Association for Young People with ME/CFS. They do brilliant work with young people with CFS (I know as my dd has it). Might be worth a look as they have online chat boards for young people and parents (separately) so you and your dd could chat with people going through the same thing. HTH x

VivaLeBeaver · 29/09/2014 08:10

I'm 38 and I get ID'd for alcohol quite frequently. I think I'm very clearly over 18. My hair is greying, I'm not a slim glamour puss.

But some shop staff are obviously crap at guessing ages. I don't hold it against them. They're just doing their job.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 29/09/2014 08:15

I would be writing a stinking Email.
It may be the law, but most 12yo don't have any proof of age.

I wouldn't be happy about DD carrying her passport (they are expensive and difficult to replace).

If a cinema doesn't clearly state it's policy on it's web site and suggest what proof it wants, I would be very annoyed.

I would suggest that it simply wants to sell more ridiculously over priced adult tickets!

Neither of our local cinemas have ever asked DD2 for ID, even though she was 11 when she went to see the last twlight.

I suppose going with her elder sister (who doesn't look like her sister) helps.

VivaLeBeaver · 29/09/2014 08:28

I don't think a stinking email would help.

What can you say?

"I'm really cross that you abided by your legal obligations and asked to see ID for a 12 yo who your employee didnt think looked 12. And then when there was no ID you upheld the law and wouldn't let them in"

Hmm
UncleT · 29/09/2014 08:39

Don't forget the bit about the wrong birthday...

HavanaSlife · 29/09/2014 08:44

If you have to be a certain age to see something or do something without an adult present then surely you should anticipate staff wanting id.

Its commen sense if you ask me

UncleT · 29/09/2014 08:45

It's common sense when it happens to other people. If it happens to you personally, it's the biggest outrage in history and exceptions should be made.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 29/09/2014 08:45

Of course it wouldn't help, but it might make them think about putting some scheme in place to allow young DCs to bring in their passports once and get some kind of proof of age card.

I've never been ID in my whole life, I don't think DH ever has, (we are 46/50) what do people use to prove their age?

DD1 is going to have to soon and people here say that lots of places are weird about the scheme cards, risking losing your passport or driving licence sounds daft (and surely not all young people have these).

HavanaSlife · 29/09/2014 08:50

If mine lost their passport they wouldn't be getting another one unless I needed it to take them away.

If a 12 year old cant be trusted for a few hours not to loose their passport I think there is a problem! Or you could drop them off with passport then pick them up again

19lottie82 · 29/09/2014 09:02

DH is annoyed that they wouldn't believe him

It's not a case of them not "believing" your DH tho.

I used to work in a pub and a lot of the time I would ID someone who would be in with their parents, and their parents would say oh but that's my son, and they are 19. do you not believe me?

I would have to say, in no way did I not "not believe them", but if the licensing board came in and thought there was a chance their son / daughter was under age, and I had served them booze, then I would get fined / prosecuted, for serving them without proof, even if they were of the correct age. IYSWIM?

The cinema staff were entirely right I'm afraid.

If your DD was going in to see a 12A without an adult, and was sold a ticket, then the licensing board had a mystery customer in who spotted her who thought she might not have been old enough, they would have expected the cashier to challenge her and only let her in with the correct (legal) ID. Her Dad saying she is old enough just won't cut the mustard, I'm afraid.

Also, you won't get far with a complaint. When it comes to any age restricted sale, management and the company as a whole will ALWAYS back up their staff in situations like this.

exexpat · 29/09/2014 09:10

I wouldn't send a 12-year-old out with an actual passport, but a clear, preferably colour, photocopy of the passport should be acceptable in this sort of case.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 29/09/2014 09:11

Yes she can be trusted, she has a very expensive phone, but it still seems to me a ridiculous over legalised world we live in.

What does it matter if an 11 sees a 12a film (which a two year old can legally see with his mum) or a 16y has a drink in a pub (which again DD1 can and has with us when eating).

We have a society that seems to think that by making life difficult for well behaved teens and young adults, we are going to solve knife crime, solvent abuse and teenage drunkenness.

Of course we aren't. Those problems need good parenting, good policing and money spent on teen community projects, not another thing added to the age restricted list.

UncleT · 29/09/2014 09:12

No, we have a society where everyone is for the rules until it's their turn. Get over it already and move on with a lesson.

SirChenjin · 29/09/2014 09:14

Who in society thinks making life 'difficult' for teens is going to solve knife crime, solvent abuse and teenage drunkeness? Confused Is there any evidence to suggest that the sole purpose of cinemas asking for ID is to solve these problems?

Picturesinthefirelight · 29/09/2014 09:17

I was going to say YABU but I agree they should make it clear.

I took the dc to a 12A film yesterday (ds was under 12 but obviously frith an adult)

On the website, tickets & display board at the cinema it stated that ID may be needed for 12A, 15 & 18 films. I warned ds that if he needed the loo at all he may not allowed back in without us (there was an interval though so it was ok)

Picturesinthefirelight · 29/09/2014 09:19

Dd (13 next week) asked what ID she would have. I said her birth certificate or passport.