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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The wrong sister got pregnant

106 replies

MrsDutchie · 27/09/2014 20:17

AIBU to feel like my family are treating my pregnancy like second best because it was me and not my sister who fell pregnant.

My sister is 9 yrs older than me & has been ttc for 3 yrs now with no success. She's had 1 round of IVF which was unsuccessful and has one left. I've supported her throughout the process and tried to offer all the love and support I can in what must be a horribly difficult situation.

I've been with OH for almost 3 yrs & I'm 27 (almost 28) years old. We were totally surprised to find out we were expecting a baby in April. The day after I found out, I'd been bleeding and had to go to hospital for an emergency scan. My Mum called and I told her because I was feeling really emotional and scared. She was absolutely gutted and very upset to find out I was pregnant and kept talking about my sister. My Mum then told my Dad who then told my sister (both w/o my permission as I wanted to speak to her directly). What's worse is he didn't directly tell her but hinted to her and she suddenly remembered something he said when she was doing her hormonal injections for IVF and called him up. Obv my sister called me in tears and kept saying that she knew I didn't intend to hurt her by getting pregnant. She made me promise a couple of years ago that I could get married before her but I could never have children before her.

Since then, I've been treated like it's a teenage pregnancy and I can't help but feel my sister would have had a totally different response if she announced she was pregnant. I've had to defend myself on so many points and I find it exhausting. My mum's even too upset to give me proper advice when I ask her baby questions but has plenty of time for my sister. I know this is incredibly hard for her and I don't approach her on any baby talk so she can choose how much or how little she wants to be involved.

It's almost like my sister's always expected me to be a screw up and is really angry that I'm settled, married and expecting a baby. None of them seem to realise that I've been in a happy, settled relationship for a couple of years, and have my own job and career. Babies were inevitably around the corner...

I don't know what to do to change how they see me & I really need all the support I can get being a first time mum.

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 27/09/2014 20:21

Wow they sound horrible!

Not so much your dsis. I know she's being totally U and I'm sure you know it too.

But I've seen the horror of unsuccessful IVF and my cousin was like a totally different person with her fertiliry problems.

She made me promise a couple of years ago that I could get married before her but I could never have children before her

This ^ however, is so ridiculous I'm not quite sure what to say.

Could you call your parents (mum) out on their behaviour and tell them what they're doing to you?

HUGE congratulations

Wickeddevil · 27/09/2014 20:22

Am so sorry that are experiencing this. And congratulations on your own pregnancy. Of course your family are being unreasonable, although I can understand why they are upset. But you, your DH/DP and your child are to be a family of your own. Don't let them spoil it for you.

theendoftheendoftheend · 27/09/2014 20:22

You poor thing, I hope they realise what they are doing, of course you need support too.

BonaDea · 27/09/2014 20:23

Congratulations on your wonderful news!!

I feel very sorry for you. I think your parents are probably just feeling awful for your sister and letting that cloud their reaction. Almost like they're not allowing themselves to be happy about it.

I don't really know what to say other than be kind to yourself, revel in your own happiness, be kind to your sister and also that I'm sure in time everyone will get over the shock and be delighted.

3pigsinblanketsandasausagerole · 27/09/2014 20:25

Congratulations op!

Your family are handling this terribly

Hassled · 27/09/2014 20:26

It may well all change when the baby's here but in the meantime - well, that's got to suck, and I'm sorry. Cut your sister a lot of slack - she's not going to be reasonable while she's going through such a hard time - but your parents should be there for you.

plantsitter · 27/09/2014 20:26

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I imagine your mum is trying desperately not to hurt your sister, but of course you find this hurtful. I think it's time to have a frank conversation with your mum along the lines of your last two paragraphs.

You are being really thoughtful towards your sister and it might be an idea to write her a letter saying that you wanted to tell her yourself and that you'd really love her to get involved if she wants to but you totally understand if she doesn't. This might prevent her feeling excluded when in fact you are being helpful.

Talk to your mum. Hope it all works out for you.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 27/09/2014 20:31

Congratulations!

You mum is clearly trying desperately not to hurt your sister, and in doing so seem to have forgotten that you need support too. However, what your sister is going through is far more stressful and distressing than a lack of parental support for a pregnancy you are happy about and have a partner to help you with. If you have questions, of course it would be nice to ask your mum, but you can also ask your midwife, doctor, friends or just research it yourself. Infertility is mind-blowingly devastating, and I think you need to think a bit more about your sister and, hard as it may be, focus on getting support from other sources.

merlehaggard · 27/09/2014 20:34

Congratulations! Your family don't seem to be handling this great. Give them time and I'm sure they will come round.

x2boys · 27/09/2014 20:34

It must be really hard on your sister but she can't tell you not to have a baby also your parents should be supporting you and be pleased for you are going to have their grandchild I realise they have to support your sister too but not at your expanse they are being very unfair.

Bibasbottom · 27/09/2014 20:38

Congratulations Op!!!

I have experienced similar, albeit with my closest friend.

So sorry for your family's reaction. I hopr you can all move on from it. If not, take heart in the fact that this is an amazing time for you and your husband. Enjoy it and don't let them sour it for you.

You are not beholden to your sister.

Xxx

SaucyJack · 27/09/2014 20:38

That sucks dude.

I'm gonna be honest and say I really really really hate this thing of treating people struggling to conceive as though they are the only people in the world with feelings.

I've never seen it in RL (thankfully) but I see it on here a lot.

ILovePud · 27/09/2014 20:38

Congratulations Dutchie! sorry that your family are behaving terribly. I would speak to your parents rather than allowing this to fester, I have some sympathy for your sister given what she's going through but getting you to promise not to have kids before her is really selfish and controlling, hormonal or not.

Alisvolatpropiis · 27/09/2014 20:42

Firstly - congratulations and I hope the rest of your pregnancy is without any trouble (re bleeding).

Re your family - your sister is being an arse. I foresee similar happening to a friend of mine regarding the 'agreement' your sister struck with you.

Your parents are being really unfair. They should be able to support both you and your sister through your different experiences, not pandering to her.

How are your dp's family, are they excited?

Focus on you and your dp's excitement. It's a shame your family aren't on board but frankly, fuck them.

dancestomyowntune · 27/09/2014 20:43

I have been in your position. I got pregnant at 17, my sis was 23 and just on the verge of starting IVF. She was getting married (in another country) when I was fourteen weeks pregnant. My dad spent an age telling me to be considerate to her needs, not to steal her limelight.

Night before the wedding I miscarried. Spent the night in hospital having a d and c.

Now, 13 years on she has three children and is about to drop the fourth, and I am pregnant with my fifth. All naturally conceived.

Speak to your sister. She probably doesn't know how to react. It will be painful for her, but I am sure deep down she is pleased for you. Share this experience with her and explain to your mother how hurt you are by her reaction. Call her out on her behaviour and explain you haven't done this to hurt anyone.

Congratulations x

pippinleaf · 27/09/2014 20:45

Ouch. That hurts.

Similar situation. My sister has two after a long battle with infertility. I am now pregnant with my first and my parents couldn't give a monkeys - they have the two grandchildren they longed for and mine is superfluous. I used to contact my sister every day during her pregnancy and saw her twice a week. My parents literally have had no contact with me at all since I got pregnant and their only response was 'that's nice for you.'

I don't know what's going on in these people's minds but I guess we have to look for our comfort and support elsewhere. It sucks but I think, for me at least, it's just painful to seek support where you're going to get rejected.

I hope you have amazing friends x

PleaseNoMoreMinecraft · 27/09/2014 20:46

They had no right to tell her, I'm so sorry for both of you! I'm sure if it had been you you could have explained it better and maybe both had a good cry and talked through how you could manage it all so no-one feels too hurt.

I've got parents who have to get involved too, it has caused problems in the past. I've come to a point now when I can see them as human and try to give them a bit of leeway although I don't tell them anything I don't want the world to know anymore, and no longer expect them to act with my best interests at heart - unfortunately. We do get on, but I miss having a Mum I can confide in.

I'd say at the moment your priority is your sister - she could be your biggest ally, and it would be lovely if she gets pregnant too and you can bring up your kids as friends. She will also be the one feeling the saddest right now, which is difficult for you when you want to feel happy about your own pregnancy. Both of you will have all sorts of hormones floating around in your system which are likely to be giving you all sorts of mixed emotions.

Try to talk it out with your sister, but keep in mind her sadness is her problem, she can't possibly expect you not to get pregnant if she hasn't for three years. Things don't always happen the way we want them to, that's life. Concentrate on the life inside you, he/she will need you.

Hope it all goes well!

HavanaSlife · 27/09/2014 20:47

Congratulations, your dsis making you promise not to have dc first years ago was totally ridiculous. Your parents behaviour now is the same!

Didiusfalco · 27/09/2014 20:48

It must be incredibly hard for your sister seeing a much younger sibling getting something she so desperately wants. Its quite a big gap between you and you sister so Im wondering if your mum has suffered some loss or secondary infertility also which would explain why she is quite so tuned in to your sisters feelings? I can see it must be hard when the people you love arent being supportive but equally you are the one with the happy news and hopeful future. I do hope they support you when the baby is here though.

PercyHorse · 27/09/2014 20:49

I have a lot of sympathy for your sister. It must be a horrible position to be in and gut wrenchingly painful for her. She still doesn't get to make you promise not to have children first and your mother needs a serious reality check.

I'm so sorry your mother has behaved like this towards you. I would try, as calmly as you can, to speak to your mother about how she is treating you and how it makes you feel. Treating you like this won't make your sister any happier, it just means she has two unhappy children.

HangingBasketCase · 27/09/2014 20:49

Stackladys I think the OP has clearly thought a lot about her sisters feelings, but she is expecting her first baby and needs her parents support. Just because the sister is struggling with infertility she can't expect other people to put their lives on hold to avoid upsetting her, telling her she couldn't have a baby first is awful quite frankly.

Alisvolatpropiis · 27/09/2014 20:52

But the 'promise' op's sister made her agree to was years ago, not recently.

Fertility issues are awful but you can't dictate someone else's life.

Op's parents are clearly not helping

MexicanSpringtime · 27/09/2014 20:57

However, what your sister is going through is far more stressful and distressing than a lack of parental support for a pregnancy

Whao! Just whao!

I couldn't disagree more. Maybe they are on a par, but... I think parental support in a pregnancy is very important and the arrival of a new member of the family should be a cause for joy for everyone.

I am so angry on your behalf, OP.

Original poster

MrsDutchie · 27/09/2014 20:58

Thank you for all the really helpful advice from all of you :)

My OH thinks I should stand my ground a lot more with my parents. Fortunately his family have been AMAZING. They've all rallied round and given us lots of hand-me-down clothes, blankets, toys, books and other bits and pieces for baby. They're really respectful of our wishes and the one disagreement we did have over how to raise the child bilingual (OH is Dutch) his Mum made sure to give me a hug and say don't worry, it's your baby, you know what to do.

I told my Mum and Dad that we don't want to take visitors until we're home from hospital. Mum was annoyed and said they'd want to come to the hospital - now we're just not going to tell them when we go into labour which is really sad. Fortunately, my sister seems to see how difficult they can be.

OP posts:

Roonerspism · 27/09/2014 20:59

I think your parents are out of order. But your sister is going through hell. I would cut her slack and obtain your advice from elsewhere in the meantime.

She will so desperately want to be happy for you. Give her time.

Congratulations!

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