The wrong sister got pregnant

[MrsDutchie]

AIBU to feel like my family are treating my pregnancy like second best because it was me and not my sister who fell pregnant.

My sister is 9 yrs older than me & has been ttc for 3 yrs now with no success. She's had 1 round of IVF which was unsuccessful and has one left. I've supported her throughout the process and tried to offer all the love and support I can in what must be a horribly difficult situation.

I've been with OH for almost 3 yrs & I'm 27 (almost 28) years old. We were totally surprised to find out we were expecting a baby in April. The day after I found out, I'd been bleeding and had to go to hospital for an emergency scan. My Mum called and I told her because I was feeling really emotional and scared. She was absolutely gutted and very upset to find out I was pregnant and kept talking about my sister. My Mum then told my Dad who then told my sister (both w/o my permission as I wanted to speak to her directly). What's worse is he didn't directly tell her but hinted to her and she suddenly remembered something he said when she was doing her hormonal injections for IVF and called him up. Obv my sister called me in tears and kept saying that she knew I didn't intend to hurt her by getting pregnant. She made me promise a couple of years ago that I could get married before her but I could never have children before her.

Since then, I've been treated like it's a teenage pregnancy and I can't help but feel my sister would have had a totally different response if she announced she was pregnant. I've had to defend myself on so many points and I find it exhausting. My mum's even too upset to give me proper advice when I ask her baby questions but has plenty of time for my sister. I know this is incredibly hard for her and I don't approach her on any baby talk so she can choose how much or how little she wants to be involved.

It's almost like my sister's always expected me to be a screw up and is really angry that I'm settled, married and expecting a baby. None of them seem to realise that I've been in a happy, settled relationship for a couple of years, and have my own job and career. Babies were inevitably around the corner...

I don't know what to do to change how they see me & I really need all the support I can get being a first time mum.

Have your parents considered that they may not "get" the grandchild they are after? Through your sister if she never manages to conceive, and through you if they alienate you. They'd also lose a daughter like that, too...

Why did your mother tell your sister? Why is she causing trouble? I would cut out the middle man and talk to your sister and not bother with your mother.

Congrats on your pregnancy.

Sadly, it seems that with your sister's age and previous failed IVF, she may never have children hence I can sympathise with how you falling pregnant by accident can feel like a right kick in the teeth.

I took the "you can get married but don't have kids before me" comment as a joke, no?!

Would you rather be:
a) your sister with your parents' sympathy OR
b) you with a precious baby?

Exactly!

That's love!y op,my ds1 was born on boxing day at 5.50am whilst it wasn't lovely being in labour on Xmas day it was the best Xmas present ever ! Moomin that's horrible of your in laws really horrible .

"She made me promise a couple of years ago that I could get married before her but I could never have children before her."
I find that pretty piss-poor of your sister TBH.

"It's almost like my sister's always expected me to be a screw up and is really angry that I'm settled, married and expecting a baby. None of them seem to realise that I've been in a happy, settled relationship for a couple of years, and have my own job and career. Babies were inevitably around the corner..."
She always expected you to be a screw up? And by none of them, I assume you mean your sister and parents?

MrsDutchie it sounds as if your whole family have form for treating you badly looooong before your pregnancy .

"She made me promise a couple of years ago that I could get married before her but I could never have children before her."

That was unreasonable promise to expect anyone to keep. Most people never imagine having fertility problems and I am sure that your sister doesn't want you to go through life childless just because she might remain childless.

You are not responsible for your sister's infertility and you need to live your own life. Sadly its up to your sister to deal with the pain of infertity rather than taking it out on you.

molio I find your litmus test for character rather a sad one.

No one knows how they will react to infertility. We found out about my DH's fertility at the same time as three close friends and a sibling announced their pregnancies. We were dealing with bad news after bad news - DH would never father his own child.

It was quite simply the hardest thing I have ever faced. You go through hell, on your own. You can't confide in your friends any more and your parents have the joy of grandchildren from elsewhere. Your marriage cracks under the strain. You are financially and emotionally bust.

Until you have personally witnessed this pain, I would reassess your so called tests.

Having been on both sides, I have since been distanced by three friends undergoing the same thing and I respect that and will be there with an open, understanding heart if they ever want to come back to me.

It seems like you've stepped out of your "role" and they haven't noticed. Your role is the baby of the family, not the one who's settled and grown up with a career, but the one who's the overgrown teenager, being so much younger than your Sister, she's not thought of you as an adult yet, that you've settled down and aren't a 'kid' now but a grown woman doing things that are right fr your age is a shock - making them reassess you.

This is their stuff to work though. It does sound like you want your mum's attention - but there's something you need to realise, you are about to move from your parents and sister being your 'primary family' and you and your DH being a couple, to you moving to being a family unit, and your parents and sister are now the 'extended family'.

Don't bother asking your mum for advice, it's going to be 30 years out of date anyway. Focus on your ILs and DH. build a support network without them.

Your parents and sister will have to decide if they want to be part of your DC's life, it will be their loss, not yours. Sounds like your DC will have involved caring grandparents on your DH's side, so they aren't going to miss out.

The point is I have Rooner, for several years. Then got lucky. A number of miscarriages too and a 'missed abortion'. And a child in intensive care on birth, not expected to live. So I'm not unscathed.

My closest girlfriend experienced long infertility too, as did my sibling. But none of us ever would have asked a sibling to not have children before us, or made another persons happiness all about ourselves. Surely you have to at least join in the public celebrations, and keep sadness to yourself, expressed behind closed doors at home? Anything else is so selfish, however much it hurts.

I think you need to give them time to adjust their hopes and expectations. Your parents might feel disloyal to your sister if they get too excited about you & baby. You should however tell them you feel a bit second best and invite them to be involved. Then after that keep your head high & love your bump unapologetically (but being respectful of your sister).

Things can get weird. In one of my I jobs I worked essentially with men, there were just 2 other women in the team, I was the most junior and they both had children. One lady lost her baby to cot death. It was awful. She came back after a fortnight and she had asked we never talk about it. So we didn't. Then the other woman got pregnant. But she never announced her pregnancy, we just started realising she had a bump, and because she never talked about it, neither did we (and of course the guys were clueless about what to do, so they did nothing). I don't know if the second lady did it out of respect for the first, but it was the weirdest thing ever, talk about an elephant in the room! When finally the second lady went on maternity leave I was volunteered to coordinate the gift. I chose baby things. The first lady took them and said never give baby things, it tempts fate, and she swapped them for pampering gifts. When I went on maternity leave for the first time (different job) I was surprised to receive a posh babygro and blanket, I thought you were not allowed!!!

But i understand the pain of infertility (and the emotional toll of the drugs). I needed fertility treatment with my first, and I remember a friend announcing she was pregnant with her second. She admitted that she had been dreading telling me. Of course my first thought was a pang of pain, but my second was joy for her. I just needed to bite my tongue a little! I then had a similar thing happen with other friends, who had been going through loads of miscarriages and TTC before us. We both finally got pregnant within months of each other but I couldn't tell them at first because I didn't want to piss on their parade so to speak. My period of infertility lasted 2 years, I can't imagine how hurtful 9 years can be.

Congratulations and good luck!

Congratulations OP.

My DNiece has been ttc for years and years and it has not happened. When her brother's partner fell pg she took it hard, just as RubyRooUK says she would have done. He is six years younger than she is, they live nearby and had always been close. From three months before the baby arrived she did not see them, then once after he was born, then not again until he was about 8 months old, since when she has mended her fences and is now a regular visitor and adores my little great-nephew and vice versa.

I hope your DSis will do the same, and much sooner: if she does let's hope your DPs will follow her. In the meantime every joy, you deserve it

PS when I told my mum I wanted a baby her immediate response was "you are far too young!". I was almost 30, been with my partner 10 years, good job, nice house....

I could nearly have written your post,in fact sort of did but didn't know where to post it.
Weirdly reading it from someone else I can totally see that they are the ones being totally unreasonable,this should be such a happy time for you and you are being made to feel guilty over something that is totally out of your control.Your parents are being totally rubbish.
No advice I'm afraid but I feel your pain and can only say congratulations and I really hope they see the error of their ways and apologise as you have done nothing wrong!!
Hugs!

Sapat If it was her first GC she probably meant I don't want to be old enough to be a grandmother.

"She made me promise a couple of years ago that I could get married before her but I could never have children before her."

That was completely, utterly unreasonable. If one of my family said that to me, I would laugh in their face, because I would genuinely assume it was a joke. Who on earth thinks they get to decide when another adult is or isn't allowed to get married or have kids? It is none of her business and never was.

I'm glad you are getting support from the other side of the family.

I was in your sister's position when my SIL decided to tell me she was 4 weeks pregnant with her second in two years just as I was in the depths of depression going through IVF.

I have to say that it plunged me into such a deep depression that I was almost suicidal due to the drugs and the situation with her. Unless you have been through it you can't understand how badly the drugs affect your state of mind.

I eventually texted her to say congrats and am now fine about it. I needed time though to come to terms with it. My mother is probably offering me more support than her but she has her own family to help her.

I'm now pregnant, thank God and hopefully my son will finally get a sibling. Her baby is due any day and it's much easier to cope with now I'm pregnant.

I wish you and your sister the best of luck.

Of course molio. And the statement about not having kids before her, I assume was a joke. And we all face our battles behind closed doors.

But I would never judge anyone who distances themselves from someone who is pregnant whilst undergoing this battle. It is one of the hardest battles to fight. to anyone undergoing it just now.

Hello OP, I haven't read the full thread but I had this exactly happen to me. I fell pregnant by chance the month after my sister's first IVF failed. Everyone in my family acted mortified and, even when she then had a successful IVF, she was still off with me and all my family acted like I had done something wrong. I worried about it a lot. A friend said to me " you need to remember, you may never be pregnant again" I wish I had taken that to heart as it ruined my pregnancy and now, for other reasons, we probably won't have more. So my advice is please try to put yourself first a bit and enjoy this, distance yourself a bit from your family if you need to do so.

I can't imagine how your sister feels, it must be heartbreaking to be unable to conceive when you want a baby. I can understand she is jealous and can't help it. But making you promise not to have a baby before her is silly.

Your parents sound like hey are being really mean to you. I know they don't want to make it harder for your sister and maybe not making a big deal of the pregnancy in front of her in kind. But why can't they be happy for you and talk about your pregnancy when she isn't there. Your mum could call you for example. Don't they see how unfair they are being to you and how it's hurting you. This could intimately affect the relationship they have with their grandchild and it will be them who misses out most.

kirsten123 fortunately OP's sister at about 36 and with only a single round of failed IVF still has a reasonable chance of becoming pregnant.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I have been in a similar position to your sister and I'm astounded at her behaviour. Of course the news is devastating, but each time I heard of a pregnancy I was happy for the mum to be. My crying was done in private. I wasn't jealous of her, just sad for myself. The two things are separate issues.
There was no happy ending for me, no baby of my own. I know exactly how jardiniere it can be.
Your mum is being so thoughtless, it must hurt so very much but she is probably not going to change because she sounds totally invested in your sisters life, but her demands about coming to the hospital are strange. And are resulting in making you pull away.
I'm so glad your DPs family are able to share in your joy and support you. Your own family is missing out on all this. Your sisters fertility issues should not take priority over your pregnancy

as someone who had 6 rounds of ivf before success, I can say hand on heart I never begrudged others success. I was always able to make the distinction and your family are not treating you properly. please take strength from people who care about you

Infertility does funny things to people's minds who are going through it. My younger sister had her baby today. Yes, I'm happy for her, who wouldn't be but I'm also hurting right now and am very jealous. She got married first although was divorced in a year, she bought her own home first and now she has a baby first. I'm struggling to get my head around not having the first grandchild and it's also not helped by my mother continually going on about the new baby. I'm glad that we don't live in the same country because rightly or wrongly I don't think I could see the baby right now. After two failed IUIs I'm hoping to start IVF within the next month. As much as I'm trying to stay positive and be thankful for what I have in life I'm very worried about what happens to my mind if IVF fails. At the moment I don't think I could attend any family functions as I'd feel so empty without a baby.

For me what would be really helpful if the conversation didn't revolve around the baby.

Congratulations on your baby though, exciting times ahead.

We struggled for almost 10 years to have a baby, including various cycles of IVF, and words cannot really describe how hard it was. But I never grudged anyone else their baby while we were ttc - sad privately that it wasn't me, yes, but not jealous and certainly never trying to detract from their happiness.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and please make sure you enjoy it with the people who are happy for you. Hopefully your own family will come round to the idea in due course but, if not, it will be their loss more than yours.

I agree that your sister's age and with just 3 years ttc and one IVF cycle behind her, probably means she still has a good chance of success. (I'm not saying that three years ttc and having to have IVF is not a horrible thing to have to go through, but the stats are there to show that it is far too early to give up hope.) I suspect that your mother is possibly making things worse rather than better for your sister by being so overwrought about it.

I hope this current IVF cycle works for your sister, and that you can both enjoy pregnancy and motherhood together.

Fuck them, if they can not be happy for you then they do not deserve the happiness that comes with it.

Don't pander to them.