The wrong sister got pregnant

[MrsDutchie]

AIBU to feel like my family are treating my pregnancy like second best because it was me and not my sister who fell pregnant.

My sister is 9 yrs older than me & has been ttc for 3 yrs now with no success. She's had 1 round of IVF which was unsuccessful and has one left. I've supported her throughout the process and tried to offer all the love and support I can in what must be a horribly difficult situation.

I've been with OH for almost 3 yrs & I'm 27 (almost 28) years old. We were totally surprised to find out we were expecting a baby in April. The day after I found out, I'd been bleeding and had to go to hospital for an emergency scan. My Mum called and I told her because I was feeling really emotional and scared. She was absolutely gutted and very upset to find out I was pregnant and kept talking about my sister. My Mum then told my Dad who then told my sister (both w/o my permission as I wanted to speak to her directly). What's worse is he didn't directly tell her but hinted to her and she suddenly remembered something he said when she was doing her hormonal injections for IVF and called him up. Obv my sister called me in tears and kept saying that she knew I didn't intend to hurt her by getting pregnant. She made me promise a couple of years ago that I could get married before her but I could never have children before her.

Since then, I've been treated like it's a teenage pregnancy and I can't help but feel my sister would have had a totally different response if she announced she was pregnant. I've had to defend myself on so many points and I find it exhausting. My mum's even too upset to give me proper advice when I ask her baby questions but has plenty of time for my sister. I know this is incredibly hard for her and I don't approach her on any baby talk so she can choose how much or how little she wants to be involved.

It's almost like my sister's always expected me to be a screw up and is really angry that I'm settled, married and expecting a baby. None of them seem to realise that I've been in a happy, settled relationship for a couple of years, and have my own job and career. Babies were inevitably around the corner...

I don't know what to do to change how they see me & I really need all the support I can get being a first time mum.

Fuck them, if they can not be happy for you then they do not deserve the happiness that comes with it.

Don't pander to them.

My brother and sister was expecting when I had 2 blues lines.

I lost DD twin, but in all honestly I felt like I had to support my siblings more. I was going to become an auntie for the 8 and 9th time.

Being upset is no reason to treat you badly, and it's not a get out of jail free card. You need to set firm boundaries with them, because this isn't how you treat family. Your family is grieving for your sister, yes. But they're also getting a new member of the family. Time to get their act together.

It's not fair to expect you to plan having a family around your sister.

It's even more unfair on your child to be the source of resentment.

Your sister may understandably need time. But your parents are going to be grandparents. They need to start acting like it. Your baby is not a second class citizen, and it's not a reason to be upset over.

Go celebrate and don't act apologetic over your child. Your feelings deserve equal consideration, not just your sisters.

Congratulations op! I think it's really awful when families act like this yet you just know that if your sister suddenly announced a pregnancy they'd all be over the moon (rightly so but they should be equally happy for you), really really not nice for you op. They are handling it badly, especially your parents.

A few months from now you will have a baby, your sister won't. Your feelings may be hurt at the moment but try to focus on what you have rather than how you think people should be reacting.

It is really hurtful - you should sit your p down like others have said, tell them as kindly as you can manage how you feel and that their reactions could cause lasting damage to your relationship. They'll probably get cross, try and give specific examples and then leave them to think about it and see if their attitude changes. Try not to get into hurting them for retaliation - something I struggle with when my feelings are hurt, as it'll make the situation even worse and they'll take that as license not to examine their own conduct. I agree with focusing on your joy - the baby is a huge deal for you and your DH, try and ignore this after you've mentally cleared the decks by calling them out.

I got unexpectedly pregnant when my sister was trying for a baby. She called me a slut and asked me if I knew who the father was.

We're not close.

After that special conversation she came to me and said don't expect me to adopt your baby. That was never an option, you fucking bitch.

Ironically once she tried the Billings Method she went on to have 3 babies very easily while I've struggled with miscarriage and stillbirth and kids with disabilities. She'll still sit there and talk about her 'infertility' and make out I had the easy ride. She's a piece of work.

Families are odd, I'm sorry yours is being awful, OP.

Congratulations, op, and how awful your family is behaving. I hope they come around in the next few months.

A word about the bilingual upbringing. DS is bilingual Dutch/English, fluent in both, so it can be done :-)

Congratulations OP!! Your family is being VVU. To be honest I don't agree at all that your parent's reaction was U but understandable. I do not understand that attitude at all. You are as much their child as your sister is, I think they are acting childish at best. Congratulations to you, I wish you all the best!

I would never want any one to go through the fertility issues I went through. It is painful for your sister but it sounds like your mother is being awful - which makes two loses for you. Can you give them a wide birth and see them less when mother is hard work.

Don't let this ruin your pregnancy, it should be such a happy and exciting time.

They'll get used to the idea. You might find that once the baby has arrived and grows into a toddler, they loosen up. People who've struggled with infertility can correct me but I think it's the pregnancy and newborn bit that is the hardest for them to watch in others.

I've been in a situation like this. It's very hard to be treated like you've done something wrong but remember you are dealing with an irrational person and so there's little you can do but try and be kind to them.

"She made me promise a couple of years ago that I could get married before her but I could never have children before her."

Gobsmacked at this TBH :( it strikes me as something a teenager would say.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I have to say, even if your sister gets pregnant and your parents start behaving themselves, I'm not entirely sure I could forgive them.

A BIG thank you to all the responses on here. So helpful and much appreciated. This was my first Mumsnet post and I have to say I LOVE Mumsnet!!! xxx

Your mother should have put her arms around you and tell you how happy she is for you.

Congratulations and happy and healthy pregnancy to you. Lots of great support on here. It has been a godsend to me for lots of things, take care

Gosh this is my story in reverse. I am the older, infertile sister. Married for 5 years, always did everything first except this. We are waiting for our IVF to start and it has been a hellish three years. I feel like a huge part of me has been eaten away (a sort of naive happiness at life in general) over that time.

My little sister who is unmarried (not a problem in general I appreciate but certainly not the way she had planned it!) is unexpectedly pg. Her partner is lovely and they will make great parents but they are currently shocked and frightened.

She turned to me and we have been drawn together. She was desperately afraid about how I would feel but although I'm extremely sad for myself at my own situation I would never feel anything but love and an overwhelming desire to take care of her at her time of need. In saying that, someone you love accidentally having what you dream of and have dedicated years of your life to is a difficult thing to bear.

I'm sorry your family have made you feel this way. Good luck with everything. But if you can, be forgiving of your sister who is probably heartbroken at the moment.

Just thought I'd put in on the side of your sister. We tried for 3 years for DD. About 18mo in DB and DSil (who are lovely, and we generally are quite close with) announced that they were pregnant with accidental baby no 2. I was devastated! I did all the congratulations, and then went home and cried my eyes out. I told DH I didn't want anything to do with the baby, and that I wanted to cut them out of our lives. I genuinely didn't think I could cope with the pain of watching them have another baby, while we were (seemingly) destined to childlessness. It hurts when you're on that side of things.

However, by the time she came I had sorted myself out. DN is nearly 4 now, and she's the cutest, funniest thing. She follows me around everywhere and I love her to pieces! Infact, we're going round to see them all today.

Give your sister time. It's so painful when other people announce pregnancies, and you're struggling. Especially when they're the 'surprise' ones. She probably knows how unreasonable she's being, but that doesn't mean she can help it. I'm sure she'll come round and fall in love with her nephew/ niece in time.

Solaia - you could be me!
The pain of infertility is awful but it does not mean that you cannot rejoice for others and rejoice in their happiness.

Infertility is something I had to come to terms with and make a conscious decision to allow myself to grieve but not to allow it to overtake my life so that everything else lost meaning.

It sounds as if this is what Dutchie's parents are doing (all be it second hand) and it is terribly unfair and must hurt dreadfully. It also sounds as if DSis is the favoured child and that she tries to influence Dutchie - again, terribly unfair.

Dutchie - I'm so glad this thread is helping you. With any luck the fact that a few people have posted in a similar situation to your sister's will help you view things differently. You should not be made to feel guilty or your pregnancy pushed aside as being less important than your sister's issues. Your pregnancy is failry far along and if your sister and parents have not realised how wrong they are being to you then ther is a fair chance they never will.

Cherish your ILs, because they sound lovely! One day i hope your family will see what they have done and what it has done to you. The way they are behaving right now sounds as if they are never going to have the type of relationship with you DC that you would wish for.

Btw - if you can raise your DC bilingual, I most certainly would. It will give him a connection with one half of his heritage. I missed out on that, a my foreign-born father thought we should try to be a British as possible (lot of discrimination in the 60s) and I do feel a slight disconnect.

Absolutely shocking. I've been through problems with ttc myself and is terribly hard when other women get pregnant, but your family are just being plain nasty.

I really hope they start to behave better when the baby arrives.

Jeez, what a controlling "family". You can have babies and get married when you want, it doesn't happen for everyone and its not fair to have to wait?!

"She made me promise a couple of years ago that I could get married before her but I could never have children before her."

I was shocked by this.

I know that lots of women who have fertility problems become really upset and angry when friends or relatives get pregnant - it seems to come up a lot on Mumsnet. Grief over infertility is understandable, but it's wrong to try and set rules about other people getting pregnant. Someone else's pregnancy isn't going to affect their own ability to have a baby one way or another.

Perhaps your parents will come round once the baby is born. If not, well, it's their loss.

As someone struggling to conceive, I think your family are being shitty. They may be having troubling seeming supportive to both but instead of trying they are going to be supportive to one and destructive to the other.

Back away from them OP, let them come to you and then be honest about their behaviour and how, given that their actions show this baby to be 'unwanted' in their eyes that until they show otherwise you'll be stepping back for your sake and the baby's.

Hi OP. I'm yet another one who is struggling to conceive. I'm the eldest of 2 and my sister has a little boy. My sister knows about my fertility issues but my parents don't.

I'm not really sure of the type of relationship you have with your sister but if you could very nicely talk to her and let her know you're aware this is hard for her and that you are leaving it to her to decide how much she wants to know / be involved that May help (my friend did this and it was a relief as I thought she was sidelining me because she was in baby mode).

With your parents, that's different. What they're doing is just plain nasty. Yes they want to look after your sister but you're their daughter too. If you can, I would state your feelings. State them, don't phrase it as a question - i know you're trying to look after dsis but I am pregnant and want you to be excited and interested. The way you're treating me makes me feel second best. I need your support, and if I don't get it then m going to have to think long and hard about how much of a relationship we're going to have. I don't want this attitude being shown towards my child, I want him/her to have grandparents who are glad to have them in their lives

Also, congratulations a Christmas baby, how exciting :)