The wrong sister got pregnant

[MrsDutchie]

AIBU to feel like my family are treating my pregnancy like second best because it was me and not my sister who fell pregnant.

My sister is 9 yrs older than me & has been ttc for 3 yrs now with no success. She's had 1 round of IVF which was unsuccessful and has one left. I've supported her throughout the process and tried to offer all the love and support I can in what must be a horribly difficult situation.

I've been with OH for almost 3 yrs & I'm 27 (almost 28) years old. We were totally surprised to find out we were expecting a baby in April. The day after I found out, I'd been bleeding and had to go to hospital for an emergency scan. My Mum called and I told her because I was feeling really emotional and scared. She was absolutely gutted and very upset to find out I was pregnant and kept talking about my sister. My Mum then told my Dad who then told my sister (both w/o my permission as I wanted to speak to her directly). What's worse is he didn't directly tell her but hinted to her and she suddenly remembered something he said when she was doing her hormonal injections for IVF and called him up. Obv my sister called me in tears and kept saying that she knew I didn't intend to hurt her by getting pregnant. She made me promise a couple of years ago that I could get married before her but I could never have children before her.

Since then, I've been treated like it's a teenage pregnancy and I can't help but feel my sister would have had a totally different response if she announced she was pregnant. I've had to defend myself on so many points and I find it exhausting. My mum's even too upset to give me proper advice when I ask her baby questions but has plenty of time for my sister. I know this is incredibly hard for her and I don't approach her on any baby talk so she can choose how much or how little she wants to be involved.

It's almost like my sister's always expected me to be a screw up and is really angry that I'm settled, married and expecting a baby. None of them seem to realise that I've been in a happy, settled relationship for a couple of years, and have my own job and career. Babies were inevitably around the corner...

I don't know what to do to change how they see me & I really need all the support I can get being a first time mum.

Didiusfalco - it took my Mum two years to conceive and have me at 32 which she said was the miracle of God's timing. I do wonder whether there are fertility problems in Mum's side after 30 but that's only conjecture based on her side of the family.

I can see your sister's position, but your parents aren't handling this well.

A close friend of mine had five failed IVF treatments, and when she found out I was pregnant, she told me that she simply couldn't be friends any more.

Very sad, but I understood. I'm not sure what would have happened if we were sisters.

This is your baby, your family. I agree, don't try and ask your parents for advice, just get on with it and enjoy your pregnancy and baby.

I think they are being pretty horrible to be honest. Do they have form for being nasty?

I think it's disgusting your sister 'told' you not to have a child before her how is that any of her business? If my sister said that I'd have told her to fuck the fuck off and deal with her own life.

It must be hard she hasn't had a child yet but it doesn't give her the right to make you feel bad.

Your Mum should be pleased for you. Perhaps she'd downplay that emotion in front of your sister but whenever your sister isn't there she should be as enthusiastic as she would be for your sister.

When will it end? Will your DC not be as important as DS's when it's born? Or heaven forbid if DS never gets pregnant will that be held against your DC? Because if so, that would be despicable.

I truly feel for you as I couldn't have contact with such a dictatorial family who didn't think of my life and how I feel too.

How does your DP feel about this? How about any other siblings you have, if any?

Here's some , and for you.

Oh and fertility problems reaching towards 35 isn't uncommon in general.

I do really feel for you, OP.

I hope DPs family are a lot more supportive?

Your title really resonated with me. My OH's sister and her husband have been TTC for ages, now facing IVF and a long wait. I got pregnant accidentally last year and had DD in April - there was no mistaking that this was accidental as I was 19 when I had her!

All the way through the pregnancy, the baby wasn't spoken about by my ILs. They looked uncomfortable and angry if I mentioned it, if I wore any sort of top that showed my bump they looked annoyed, SIL blanked me totally, made me feel unwelcome whenever we had to be near each other, and all I could do was try and remind myself how painful it must've been for her - but at the same time, it was painful for me too!

It really is tough, and must be even tougher when it's your own family. How are your in laws about it all? It's difficult even now, even though they adore DD and especially FIL, he dotes on her (then again he was pretty normal with me the whole way through, he's more of a rational sort), I know from the way they've been talking that when SIL's baby/babies come along, they'll be the 'long-awaited presents'... sometimes it feels like they see DD as the stand-in until they can have a 'proper' grandchild.

If you have no joy in explaining how you feel to them, it's really difficult but we tried to ignore it, surrounding ourselves with people who were excited and we could talk freely about it with. It is difficult though, and even now that things are moderately sorted, I get tempted to 'play SIL at her own game' when it happens for her, iyswim? But it's a dangerous road to go down, and if you don't try and sort it now, one way or another, it breeds those kinds of awful feelings :(

Congratulations on your pregnancy April is a great month to have a baby

StackladysMorphicResonator - I'm not looking for support from my sister. I've let her dictate how much and how little she wants to talk about it. I very very rarely ever mention the pregnancy or volunteer any baby-related information. I can't imagine what's she's going through I'm just gutted because I feel like I'm losing her.

Thank goodness for DH family. His mum sounds a gem of MIL, but I hope your family comes around.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom - I'm so sorry to hear your experience and can totally empathise. Good advise from you and others to keep surrounding with the right people xx

ps my due date is December 23rd so it could be a Christmas baby!

Oooh I thought you meant you're due in April! That'll teach me to read things twice

A Christmas baby sounds lovely! All snuggly and warm :) your MIL sounds lovely :)

We found out in April we were expecting a baby. Sorry for the confusion!

MrsDeVere - sorry to hear about your horrible experience. I don't know what's worse - when parents say those things or when you know they're thinking them...

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I'm sorry your family are struggling with how to deal with it, given your sister's fertility issues. But perhaps I can give you my thoughts as someone who had fertility struggles, treatment and now has children?

When I couldn't conceive, it became my whole world. I know it shouldn't have. I had a fabulous DH, a good job, great friends....but I felt as if I were being eaten inside out by a biological sickness. Being unable to have children was everything. It didn't just define then; it felt it would define my whole life, so it defined me.

Each friend who got pregnancy, I struggled inside. I tried never to show it but would be eaten up. Even these days, when I have children, I slightly dread and get jealous of pregnancy announcements. It's fine when they are born and become children.That period just messed me up so badly.

If my lovely younger brother had conceived before me, I would have felt so angry and jealous. It would have felt like not only was I useless and barren, but even the natural order of our ages had fallen in the face of my inability to have children.

So I have utmost sympathy for your sister. Before I struggled to have kids, I remember thinking a friend who was struggling to conceive and charting her temps was crazy. Why didn't she just have sex and wait till it happened? I don't think you can appreciate that horrible legacy of infertility unless you've been there. It's not rational.

I also think it is very hard as the parent of a child going through hell. Your mum struggled to have children too so she relates to her own precious first born girl. She thinks you are lucky and pregnant so don't need her as much as her older child. She sees your sister hurting and that hurts her. Ditto your dad.

Having said that, of course you absolutely deserve for your parents to be happy for you. But now as the parents of two children, I would feel awful if my beloved second baby was able to conceive when my first wanted that so badly. So I do think it's a difficult position. You want to protect your children even in their thirties.

I would try to swallow your disappointment in your parents for now. It is a wonderfully happy time and you can indulge that pregnancy joy with your inlaws. Hopefully when the baby arrives and everyone gets to see this amazing new human being joining the family, things will begin to feel much better again.

Sorry again you are feeling unsupported - this is not about you and your pregnancy is a wonderful thing. Hope it works itself out.

Congratulations! Focus on your ILs. Not often you hear that on MN!

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom - I know! We're totally getting carried away with all the cute snuggly all-in-one's we can buy. Think of the PICTURES!!!

RubyrooUK - Thank you for your insight - lots of helpful stuff to think about xx

My first was a Christmas baby - so very special!! Congrats OP and I'm sure you won't do this but in your place I would have stopped all contact with my family.

I also have good insight on cute all-in-ones. But that's probably for another time.

I would suggest asking your sister how you could fix this, maybe an abortion would make her feel better about your surprise pregnancy! I know it isn't going to happen but it might be enough to shock your family in to reality!

RubyrooUK Haha

I have an elder sibling who had fertility issues and I have a large number of children myself. But my sibling has never been anything but unstintingly generous to my DC, despite the whole issue being incredibly hard.

I completely get that it's hard. For several years because of a childhood illness I thought I wouldn't conceive, but got lucky. But I do think it's a bit of a litmus test for character, whether or not someone having difficulties conceiving can be glad for a friend or relative who's expecting. It's extremely mean minded not to be able to be glad for someone else, even if you're sad for yourself.

It sounds as if your parents are trying to do their best OP, but they seem to be doing badly.

Sorry for you too MrsDeVere :(

Congratulations!

We had similar with DH's family. His sister already had one child via IVF and were trying for a second. We had IVF and conceived just before they went for second. Theirs didn't work and DH and I were made to feel awful. I had a problematic difficult pregnancy and it was all ignored. Everything was about SIL. It created such a massive rift between us and the IL's. The existance of our DC are largely ignored by DH's family so much so that we are now NC with them all and it's such a relief.

They are treating you very badly. Do not feel guilty and do not apologise for being pregnant.

Congratulations!

As someone who ttc'd for 3 years, had all manner of awful fertility tests, two miscarriages, two rounds of IVF and am finally pregnant, YAY!, I understand how your sister feels

I am the oldest of two girls and I remember saying to my husband, if she got pregnant before me I wouldn't know how I would cope. At the time in my head it made sense, I was so sad, frustrated, probably depressed to tell the truth. No that I am through the other side I feel different. What your sister is going through is awful. I've been there and unless you have been through it too no one can ever understand. Therefore I think her comments are fair enough. She needs to deal with infertility and this is how she is doing it.

In regarding your parents. They are clearly try in to protect your sister but it is to the detriment of you. They don't know how to handle the situation so the easiest thing to do is carry on and keep their focus on your sister.

I would speak to them. Let them that you are disappointed and hurt. I wouldn't expect to much from your sister yet. Give her time. She will get there, just let it sink in

Congrats again.

Firstly, congrats! I echo what Ruby said. Infertility is hideous and the way it can change a person's behaviour is hard to understand unless you've been there. The day my younger sister phoned to tell me she was pregnant was a dark one for me, even though I was pleased for her, and I did become quite distant from her for a while, because I found it hard to cope with the fact that she had the thing I wanted the most and that was so out of reach to me. That said, I can't relate to your sister asking you not to get pregnant as that is completely unreasonable, and your parents are handling the situation badly. Please try not to take it personally though.

they sound like they are having a massive tantrum im afraid i would distance myself and focus on my pregnancy without involving them unless they make a move first

as you can see by the replies its not uncommon in families for the "wrong" child to have children out of me and my sister everyone thought she would have kids as i didn't really like them then i got pregnant my mom was livid my sister was irritated and angry she didn't even have a bf but i was stealing her thunder! my aunties stepped in and got my mom to help out with lifts to the doctors for me etc (i worked far away from my doctors so it was hard to keep my job and go to the midwife as i dont drive) now ive got three children she has a house car two jobs and no kids she still hates me for it even trying to split my marriage up all because her life didnt work out how she wanted it to

best to go with the flow and not get too stressed