AIBU to feel 'money is safety'

[weirdiebeardie]

I heard it on a TV program earlier, and it rang a massive bell within me. This is how I am, this is how I live. I had not realised it before.

I believe money is safety. I work my arse off. I always have since I was 13. I worked until the day I gave birth (both over due), I went back to work within 3 months. I feel I have to do it for financial security, or I do not feel safe. Currently I have a 5 month old, I work 14 hours per day, sleep around 4 hrs. I work at home though (self employed). I feel very unsafe at the moment, as I have very little in the way of savings, I had almost paid off my mortgage, but upon deciding to have children I wanted to live near a good school. That decision a couple of years ago, has cost every penny (expensive house, building project), my work is now threatened and I feel very up/down and unhappy/unsafe.

When I was a child we lost our house in the recession. This has always scared me, and I don't know if I am a happy or relaxed person because of this. I spend my life worrying about financial security. Losing work or not having money for bills is one of my biggest fears in life. Is that normal?

Is this a reasonable way to be? Sensible? or completely unreasonable?

p.s. I am a name changer - previous threads would identify me, I'm not comfortable this being linked to 'me' .... yet

Well its not called financial security for nothing!
Then again without the underpinnings of things like a stable political and economic regime and the rule of law money isn't much good.

YANBU OP.

Suzanne, I worry about this. I am a worrier. We need to hope there will always be enough vested interests to make the operation of law desirable.

Flip, be a warrior not a worrier
Relax I'm sure the UK and other prosperous countries will continue to be safe and stable :)

I can completely understand where you're coming from OP. I have always told my husband that I never want to be cold or hungry long story and have always an overstocked walk in larder, massive fridge and freezer and always a full tank of oil. Stupid thing is, I don't buy new clothes, makeup, regular hair appointments or go on holiday. I have to savings or I start to get really stressed.

Up until quite recently we've always struggled but that changed a couple of years ago and I had some savings for the first time ever. We were congratulating ourselves when my husband took seriously ill, 9 days before Christmas. I don't how we would have coped without savings. He seemed to be recovering and I had built the savings up when he took ill again, won't get better. We have often said, even with this horrible situation, that we are luckier than most because we have some money. If this had happened three years ago, I have no doubt we would have lost our home. I still get scared about having no money and still need to keep building up my savings. I'm terrified of becoming ill as I'm the breadwinner and the savings would disappear.

I'm beginning to understand when I hear of older people dying with a fortune in the bank and a crappy house. I think most of them are afraid rather than greedy.

We were congratulating ourselves when my husband took seriously ill, 9 days before Christmas.

I should have said 'we were congratulating ourselves, but then my husband took seriously ill' the previous sounds really weird.

Money is safety, but other things are safety too. Your house is future safety. Once the building's done it's done, right - you won't need to carry on spending money on it. And you won't be paying childcare for two kids for much longer. How much will your childcare bills drop by when your oldest starts school? You'll have that money for extra safety every month.

Is your DP actively wasting money, or is he just not as worried about it as you are? If he's wasting it, you need to have a frank discussion with him about how unhappy this makes you, and maybe set something up (a savings account which he puts a proportion of his earnings in when he has some?) so that there's less available to waste.

I know how you feel - I've always been a saver, but we've been paying two sets of school fees for a while now and there's no money to spare. I still have £10 going into a savings account every month, because it makes me feel better than I'm saving something.

My mum lives like this - to the point where her house is a 70s throwback and she has literally thousands in the bank but she won't re-decorate or change furniture until it is falling apart. I am not the same in that I will spend money but after my ex walked out and left me with huge debts in my name and no financial support, it has taken me literally years to get to a point where I feel OK about life again - and part of that feeling OK is having a good chunk of money in the bank. In the early days, I used to save £2 coins and sell what I didn't need on ebay to make myself a bit of a cushion - I remember being hugely relieved to get it to £500 and that money is still sitting untouched in my 'ebay bank account' to this day! Things are different now, I could get ill now or run over by a bus or break my leg and need some time off work and we'd be OK for a couple of years - not living the highlife, but the bills would be paid. If the roof collapsed or the boiler blew up, I know they could be fixed. I have a brand new car on the driveway so am not worried about that breaking down on me but I saved and saved and saved for that and worried about the old one breaking down for a couple of years with it way after it's sell by date (if that makes sense!).

My ex is the opposite. Money runs through his fingers like water. He has nothing to show for it because he just doesn't understand how to budget or save. We were very mis-matched!

You need financial security in life, I believe. Money doesn't make you happy and I think there's a work-life balance to be found in the OP's case, but it's important to feel secure and having a few pounds in the bank makes all the difference.

I feel exactly the same op, I've scrimped and saved all my life as I feel this way, although we live on a very low income so theres never been a choice to live any differently.

I think if you grow up knowing your parents/in laws/gp's will leave you property and money when they die this feeling of it being all up to you is removed, but if you dont have that then you will feel like we do.

And its hard going, I agree.

YANBU. This is why I advise my daughter, too, to never give up full-time work to go part-time or flexi-time, ruining her career and being dependent on a man for money, or, even worse jacking in a job to stay at home with her kid(s) she has with a guy to whim she is not married.

Then again if you are the one who scrimps and saves sometimes others in your life feel they have license to be profligate because you'll always be there to bail em out.
Frugality can be a double edged sword!

I thought for a moment I had posted in my sleep last night as this sounds a lot like me. I am the main breadwinner and DH is self employed. We have a mortgage and school fees and I get very twitchy if the savings drop below a certain point. They are currently low due to to us buying a property to do up. However, objectively we are in an OK position and it is my need for additional security that is the issue. I realised that I was putting off things that the family would enjoy such as weekends away to avoid spending money. I sat down with the DC and made a list of things like days out, holidays and purchases they would like and I put something aside for those each month. That feels like more of a happy medium ( even though I still squirrel away my change to make extra payments on the mortgage )

It is though
what is interesting is how experiences shape the behaviour around that, losing your house is a tremendously powerful experience, and is bound to affect behaviour hugely

yanbu but balance (not just bank balance) is important

good health is more important, and making memories with family and friends

i understand. my mum has always been terrified of the workhouse and poverty. i am v careful with debt. but i think it is an anxiety thing rather than prudence tbh

good health tends to be contingent upon financial security, without access to money to provide for basic needs you are pretty much buggered!

One of the best pieces of advice my mum gave me was to earn my own money and never depend on anyone else financially. It stood me in good stead when my DCs were small and my marriage fell apart. Let's just say that my daughter is well versed in that advice!

Well, yes of course money is safety and it such a privilege to have it.

However, I would say your present lifestyle is extreme, op, and you will be compromising your mental and physical health (if you have not already done so) - which are ultimately more important and desirable than money. Not to mention the fact that you can't be seeing much of your child or children, which is also time you can never get back.

Hopefully you will seek help (therapy/counselling) and restore some balance in your life. Your anxiety seems extreme and must be horrible to live with.

sadly, good health is not always linked to finances. my mum and dad are v similar to op in attitude but have spent a lifetime saving so they are not poor in old age. shame my dad has cancer and will die pretty soon, after enjoying three years of retirement, then

he would have been better spending it cos he cant now

obviously money does not guarantee good health but there is a reasonably strong correlation, although not as strong as the correlation between poor health and poverty.

I will go against the grain and say that money isn't safety.
Ok if you have a few grand stashed away and your boiler needs replacing or the odd double glazed window etc.
However, unless you have many thousands saved it won't stop you being repossessed in the long run if interest rates go up and you can't afford your mortgage.
So for real safety you'd need a load to secure you against the unthinkable things in life.

you mean nuclear armageddon, catastrophic meteor strike, deadly global pandemic?

Another one who grew up with no money and got her first job at a young age and has always been careful with money.

YANBU but I occasionally wish I could be more carefree about spending because I could afford to but wont

I wouldn't consider your attitude to be unreasonable but I couldn't do what you are doing, I couldn't cope with 14hr days and 4hrs sleep. I want to enjoy what I've got and for my kids and I to have lots of happy memories of us being together through their childhoods. I'm naturally quite risk averse and we live well within our means so we have a certain amount of security but I'm under no illusions that no matter how prudent or hard working someone is that events can happen which turn that upside down. I hope none of that sounds judgmental, that's not my intent, I think how you order your priorities is very personal and we are all different.

or runaway hyperinflation (see weimar republic)
if you google the consequences of printing money as our government has recently done, you might start to worry

Suzanne

That's, a good point but can't claim it as my thought really.
No, I meant something like severe illness, long term unemployment, yourself/other half having to stop work, disability. The things that maybe people aren't insured against.
Or even the more expensive home maintenance costs.

In general, no, YANBU. That your dp and you do not share the same expectations for earning, investing and savings only adds to your stress over it. I hope he doesnt actually interfere with your savings and investment plans.