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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to think maybe I am losing my mind, need some advice please

174 replies

fragileyourock · 24/09/2014 20:50

Bear with me please as I think maybe I, m over reacting I dont know. In my bathroom upstairs I have white vinyl tiles on the floor and I am pretty anal about keeping them clean and the toilet. Once a day normally mid morning I clean and bleach the toilet then I wipe the floor with disinfectant wipes. Its just me and my son who is eleven.
In the last two days something weird has been happening in the bathroom please dont laugh as its scarying me. We always and visitors take shoes off downstairs never go upstairs in shoes. But for some reason there have been footprints and hairs on the bathroom floor, tiny curly black hairs. Its not from my son as he is not hairy and its not from me because I use hair remover and did this two weeks ago.
I get a gut feeling that somebody is doing this or maybe my mind is losing the plot. But I, m racking my brains as to a reasonable explaination. I know I must sound deranged but something is not right

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 25/09/2014 14:28

Yes, given his history I wouldn't wait, I'd call them now.

You cannot let yourself go back to 'that place' - get the police involved & make sure you tell them everything, going right back. This man is a nasty bit of work.

MistressDeeCee · 25/09/2014 14:34

God..this story has frightened me to death! I hope OP comes takes the advice she has been given, and also comes back on thread so we know she is ok...

Adayinthelife · 25/09/2014 15:53

Please call the police OP!

zipzap · 25/09/2014 17:10

OP - how's it going this afternoon? please say you've been to the police and they've taken you really seriously...

Another thing has just struck me - how good is he with computers? And do you have a password on your computer? Is there any chance he could be looking at your computer (or indeed any computer/tablet/etc) while he is in your house? Even your phone if you have a landline can often show the 10 most recent numbers called which might be of interest to him.

Because if he is able to get to your computer then there's a chance he has read this SadAngry depending on if you log in and out each time you use it, wipe your history and cookies details etc etc. If he is reasonably techy-minded he might even have installed a keylogger so he now doesn't need to go into your house to look at the computer but can just sit at home and watch what you type... I know it all sounds a bit OTT but given how far he has already taken the stalking, intimidation and harassment (because that is exactly what it is that he is doing to you) then it's by no means a leap of the imagination that he would want to cyber stalk you as well as in real life.

Definitely log it with the police. And mention the other times too. Preferably don't do it from your home where he can overhear if you do report him.

I'm just wondering if he did it a second time because you didn't report it the first time - pushing boundaries and all that... Which means he might have been watching the house or monitoring it in some way in order to know that it was safe to come back a second time if you see what I mean? Do you know anybody very close by to you that you could ask to see if they have seen him hanging around at all? And to ask if they would provide a safe haven for you and your ds if there is a problem - for example, even if it is just to ring the police asap if they hear you screaming for example rather than them just thinking 'I wonder if she's discovered a big spider' or whatever it is that people think when they don't report these things... Bystander effect is very strong - everybody thinks that somebody else will do something if it is important - which means that if you ask a couple of people to keep an eye and ear out for you, and to report any screaming or anything out of the ordinary they see or open up and let you in the house if you knock on the door shouting help, get you safely in and then start asking questions - all these things will help to make you safer. And scary though it is to think about them and plan them - as others have said, you're not imagining things, you've unfortunately got a very real individual who does these horrendous things - and much better to have some plans in place than become another crime statistic...

sunbathe · 25/09/2014 17:31

Get some bolts for your back door.

phantomnamechanger · 25/09/2014 17:33

OP, if someone is entering your home, they are not just doing it to use the bathroom, they will likely be having a good old snoop too, and there may be other evidence if you look carefully for it (like booby-trapping your drawers and cupboards etc, so you can tell if someone has been in them). I also don't think they are doing it to scare you (though obvs it IS freaking scary!) I think it is about them wanting some sort of control.

Is this person your exP? Is he your DS father? is there any chance at all he is trying to find something that he could use as evidence, in his opinion, that DS should be with him and not you? Is he just trying to find out whether you have a new DP.

whatever the motivation, this is really worrying stuff and OF COURSE you should be calling the police, with your history!

hormonalandneedingcheese · 25/09/2014 18:33

Call the police op. If you want evidence first then photo any fibers and footprints, get plastic bags for the hair. Smear sides with Vaseline before you go out, helps for prints.

You can get a hidden camera from amazon for cheap as well. I really would say see the.police and try and stay elsewhere for a while.

hormonalandneedingcheese · 25/09/2014 18:39

By helps for prints I mean to reassure you op, you'll see smears and things

Original poster
fragileyourock · 25/09/2014 19:02

Please don't flame me as I haven't been to the police yet. I don't want to frighten my son with yet another visit from the police he has been through a lot because of the things that have been happening in the past. He was frightened when the panic alarm was fitted, I was advised to explain why and show him how to use it incase anything happened. I want to handle the situation without frightening and disrupting him again.
I rang the housing re the locks but they said they will call me back. I then went to B&Q but I got confused and started to feel panicky so I left. I came home and fell asleep because I didn't get much sleep last night.
Yes he is an ex and father of my ds, so not as straight forward when ds is involved it's not nice for ds to be aware of his fathers behaviour as he blames himself. I do tell him in no way is it his fault.

OP posts:
maddening · 25/09/2014 19:18

www.cctv42.co.uk/content/29/internal-dome-camera-with-12mm-lens-for-close-in-detail-pro-sony-electronics-pack.aspx

Get one of these - pop it in your bathroom. Obviously up security and call the police - arrange for them to come round when ds is at school but while they are conducting enquiries you might gather evidence that he has broken and entered your home.

phantomnamechanger · 25/09/2014 19:49

does DS have legitimate contact with his father? If not, and this has not been allowed by the courts, then this is more than him trying to control/scare you it is a serious child protection issue. How do you know for example, that if he HAS been in your house, he has not set up recording devices etc? or taken stuff? or won't be there waiting for you one day when you get home?

Please go to the police. Go when DS is at school tomorrow. Don't tell him. This is very serious.

liketohelp · 25/09/2014 19:58

OP, you are not losing your mind.

You are being stalked. Gaslighting, like moving objects about in a persons home, is a typical ploy of stalkers to make you feel worried & think youre going crazy. As the police know about this man`s record, they should certainly take you seriously.

Lock all your windows & doors each time you go out, & when you are sleeping.

Keep a log of all incidents, & report them to the police.

Try this service - Paladin - help for stalking victims:
www.paladinservice.co.uk

Also: www.stalkinghelpline.org - helpline & forum for victims

Also do contact your MP - make an appointment.

best wishes

backbystealth · 25/09/2014 20:11

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this stress and worry.

I do think you should call 101 and just have a talk with the police.

I know you are trying to remain calm and low key for your son because you are a good mother who loves him, but you need help with this.

Original poster
fragileyourock · 25/09/2014 20:54

Son does not have any contact because the court suspended all contact in regards to his violent criminal record. He has recently been convicted by way of suspended sentence of domestic violence against an ex partner of his. He was very annoyed at the last court hearing and went for me shouting and swearing and got close up into my face that my barrister had to get in the middle as I stood there crapping myself in the court waiting room.
Paladin service I will look into and I will also speak to a long time trusted male friend.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 25/09/2014 21:33

Oh lord OP I think with his track record, the police will take your fears very seriously

Could you ask them to come round when DS is at school?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 25/09/2014 21:33

No flaming. No judging. No losing your mind Flowers

Just lots of support and concern for you.

What a nasty man, and how horrible that he's putting you and Ds through this :(

HoneyTits · 25/09/2014 21:36

I think whoever it is is getting in through the loft.

is there any way he knows a neighbour or is quietly renting an attached property so that he can get in when he can see you've left the house? If its him, he's definitely stalking you.

I can't understand how anyone can live in a terraced house with loft access to other the other houses! Surely it must void home insurance, I wouldn't be able to leave the house.

Pancakeflipper · 25/09/2014 22:05

You need to see the police. Go to them. You can arrange a visit when your son is not home.

Hatespiders · 25/09/2014 22:49

As you say these hairs are small, black and curly, I'm wondering if it's someone of African ethnicity. My husband is, and he sometimes leaves hairs like this in the sink and round the loo. They're tightly coiled and a bit like pubes (sorry!)

You're definitely not going mad OP because the hairs are there to see, not imaginary.

Please do as everyone here suggests and ask the Police to call and advise you.
Otherwise however can you have peace of mind in your own home? I'd be so scared I'd ring the Police straight away.

Vycount · 25/09/2014 23:26

Just think about it for a minute Op, you're worrying about frightening your son, but this could lead to something extremely frightening. Why not ring the police and ask them to come when your son is at school? There is no need to involve your son in discussions at all about this at this stage. This is unbelievably worrying. Sad

HexBramble · 26/09/2014 05:56

Just echoing what everyone is saying. This is seriously worrying.

Go today to the police. TODAY.
No matter what your job is, make this your priority today.

Please keep in contact with this board.

needacosmo · 26/09/2014 09:10

I'm so sorry you're going through this Flowers and I don't want to scare you but this is not going to stop until you do something.

Call the police if not for your sake for your son's. Domestic violence and breaches of those crimes are being taken very seriously. Your best chance is to act fast as if there is already a court order in place saying he can't come near you and he is found to have breached that he will be sent to jail.
You will be believed you have the proof. Call the police now and show them the hairs. Ask the family safety unit for cctv and locks changed again. Trust me. They will help.

Hatespiders · 26/09/2014 09:11

I'm also wondering if there may be some 'clandestines' living secretly in the loft that runs across the terrace. I've heard of this before. Are there any signs of the loft hatch being moved/opened?
Please tell us you've taken this to the Police. I'm worried for you and your son.

SquinkiesRule · 26/09/2014 09:45

Holy cow fragile, please stay safe. I'd be a complete wreck dealing with this.

VSeth · 26/09/2014 10:01

You could ask the police to come around when your Son is at school?

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