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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave our DCs in our house while we go next door for dinner?

321 replies

Tapewormuprising · 22/09/2014 12:58

Our neighbours have invited us for dinner next week and i was wondering what people's thoughts were on this.

We live in a semi-detached house on a quiet road. Our DCs are 8 and 15 months. 8 year old will be in bed reading and will fall asleep at about 8.30 and our 15 month old will be asleep with a baby monitor (we will be able to get signal next door. There is also a movement sensor). We'll be one room away really.

So, will we be awful parents if we leave them?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/09/2014 00:21

OP hasn't been back. Oh well.

Stupidhead · 23/09/2014 00:26

As a child of the 70s I was left all the time, it was the 'norm' however I wouldn't and haven't done it myself. I panicked myself into a right tiswas over nipping across the road to a chemist for Calpol one day. Was gone all of 5 minutes but felt like a baaad mother.

It wouldn't be the house fire/escaped lion/tornado but the thought they might wake up scared or fall out of bed.

But i am a stupidly overprotective mum, mine are teens now and I'm amazed I've managed not to lose or drop thm so far.

And I also remember and thought the 'other' doctors were stupid and irresponsible.

BOFster · 23/09/2014 00:34

Couldn't you compromise and have the neighbours cook but dish up in your house, if you are really so close? Surely they'd understand why this would be preferable?

I understand that you feel it's no big deal because it's literally next door, but by the same token, why can't your neighbours come to you?

butterfliesinmytummy · 23/09/2014 00:40

Could you call a smartphone on skype or FaceTime from an iPad and leave the iPad outside the bedroom door? Take the smartphone with you and your eldest can communicate with you any time, effectively you are on a live feed in the hallway. Mine are 9 and 6 and I think I would be tempted. We also have an alarm that covers doors and windows being opened and I would set this before leaving.

BranchingOut · 23/09/2014 07:04

If the dinner is next week then there is time to find a babysitter.

Random1999 - so sorry to hear of your awful experience. You sound as if you are a strong and sensible young woman. Keep coming back to MN (you are expecting, correct?) as there is some good advice on here.

comfycushion · 23/09/2014 07:14

As the OP has not returned can I be permitted to turn this thread around.

How many of you, if they knew someone had in fact done this, would report them to the social services?

Also to the person who said social services would not be bothered about it and do not have the time to investigate, we would and do.

I will not be back for a couple of days due to internet problems but look forward to reading replies.

combust22 · 23/09/2014 07:16

Yes I would report them.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/09/2014 07:19

I don't know comfy, if a friend she told me, I would try and talk her round, and tell her that if ss heard about it, it could affect her family and children. I woukd highlight the dangers to her and hope she reconsiders. If she told me she does this more than once, I would report her.

atticusclaw · 23/09/2014 07:26

Either take the kids with you and put them to sleep upstairs or sign up to Sitters. Its advertised here on MN (I found it through MN). It costs 6.50 an hour to get an experienced babysitter in your area (generally childminders or working with children in another capacity)

For the sake of £20 protect your children and don't take the risk.

ThatBloodyWoman · 23/09/2014 07:28

No, if I'm entirely honest, if nothing else was going on, in the cold light of day, in RL I don't think I would.
I would tell the parent(s) that it concerned me though.

If I knew someone doing this I think I would be more help by offering their kids a sleepover with mine for the night.

Tapewormuprisings · 23/09/2014 07:47

Sorry for the delay.

After speaking to a sw friend last night, she said in our situation, they wouldn't investigate. If someone reported, itd be a quick phonecall to explain the situation and possibly a visit to check the property. She also pointed out that some children are further away in their own homes. However, after hearing comfy's response, there are clearly differing standards, so it wouldn't be worth taking the risk.

Just to clarify, I was genuinely interested in what comfy had to say, sorry if it sounded 'snarky'. It's hard to communicate tone over the net!

Thanks for all the responses.

MyFairyKing · 23/09/2014 07:59

While this is not a risk I would take, I do think some people are being over the top. You could 'report' away to SS but really, they'd not be very interested. It's not my area at the moment but I know enough to confidently state that this, in isolation, would not warrant any intervention; maybe a phone call or two.

formerbabe · 23/09/2014 08:01

I don't think I would do it myself but I think some of the responses on here are verging on hysterical.

my2centsis · 23/09/2014 08:07

I wouldn't as where I like we have had some very serious earthquakes resulting is a lot of houses falling down and deaths. You couldn't save your children if you are next door with the door locked

catus · 23/09/2014 08:12

Well, I think YANBU.
I would probably do it in your position and I don't think that makes me a neglectful mother.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/09/2014 08:25

That's good tape, I just couldn't enjoy myself knowing 2 young children were alone in the house. I know 98% everything would be fine, but you cannot shake that 2 % that something could happen. Unlike the the Macannes, tgey were in an unfamiliar house, in an unfamiliar Country, and they were not next door.

waitingforthegroundtoopen · 23/09/2014 08:28

Have found this very intresting reading, because I DO actually leave dd after she's asleep in bed once or twice a month to do things with the neighbours. It's something I've done for about a year when I watch a film with them or have dinner with them later. Neighbours also baby sit for dd from their front room when I've had to rush out in an emergency.

With the diffrent responces on this thread Dh and I had a long chat about it yesterday. He remebers me being against leaving her and inviting the neighbours in instead and then because of the lay out of our house not always hearing her when she woke and moaned despite the monitor being on loud. Also both of us almost not getting to her in time when she woke, shouted for us and the next second decided to try to climb out of her cot. I only went to the neighbours after realising how much better we could hear her, without the monitor and it was just as quick if not quicker to get to her.

I'm really quite risk adverse when it comes to dd and asked dh to talk to one of the socail workers on his floor at work last night to see what they made of our situation. The lady he spoke to know the lay out of our house because her partenter plays pool with dh twice a week. Luckily for my stress levels she couldn't see a problem with our set up but did say leaving a young child or children alone like that would normally set off alarm bells for her.

Our houses used to be one old farm house with five or six bedrooms depending on which plans you look at. It's now been split and extended into two rather intresting houses, ours has three beds and the neighbour's has two. We have most of the original upstairs space and they have more of the original downstairs. We share a main front door and have intrnal front doors of the same entrance hall. All our doors lock so when I go next door I lock the door that leads to our dining room/living room/ kitchen and the door to dh's current pool room, levave our front door open then the neighbours front door open. The main front door is then chained and bolted. If dd wanted to find me she could very easily and I can quickly get to her. We take it in turns to pop to the top of our stairs to check on her whenever someone gets up every ten or twenty mintues and use a video monitor to keep an eye on her.

It's a set up that's saved us a few times as I've been able to rush out when dh hurt himself at work and just chuck the monitor to the neighbours knowing they were capable of caring for dd.

Beastofburden · 23/09/2014 08:42

comfy I would do the same as Aeroflot, except I have no idea how to report things to social services.

A couple did this to us once, turned up at a party with their monitor and said their kids were asleep round the corner. I was Shock and I am afraid I never asked them to come round again because I didn't want to be responsible for them doing it again.

skylark2 · 23/09/2014 08:48

"BUT I wouldn't ask my 8 year old to be prepared to call 999 and recite our address and be sure of the escape route because he might have to rescue his little sibling"

I wouldn't either. But in what situation could that possibly be expected of a child whose parents can hear everything that's going on since they're using a baby monitor and are a few feet away?

MrsMcColl · 23/09/2014 09:03

Yes to what skylark said - I was thinking the same.

StepDoor · 23/09/2014 09:32

I wouldn't do it personally but I don't think there's anything wrong with doing that. You have a clear signal and it is next door. It's like placing baby in their own room in the other side of the house. It is a semi-detached so it is like a big house. This is very very different to the mccans case, they didn't have a monitor set up!

grocklebox · 23/09/2014 09:39

they'd be on the other side of the wall in a semi, literally 2 feet or so further away than they would be if they were in their own house....all this nonsense about risk! What risk? You face far bigger risks to your children every day and think nothing of it. Clear example of an inability to assess risk and behave accordingly.
Lots of hysteria too.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/09/2014 13:22

At the end of the day its up to the parents, but personally it would not sit well with with me if my two young children where in a different building to me alone. Another room is one thing, a locked house different. I probably would not report, but I would not feel comfortable doing this myself.

combust22 · 23/09/2014 14:24

"At the end of the day its up to the parents," Social Services or the police may not see things that way though. Society has a responsibility to safeguard all our children not just the parents.

Random1999 · 23/09/2014 14:31

If i knew someone was leaving there child (aged 8) at home with a baby (aged 1) whether they were going to their neighbours or for a 60 mile drive i would report.

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