To be disappointed that my child is not clever?

[Whichusername]

Academically or otherwise. Said child is 5 years old and is always at the bottom of everything child tries (dance/sport, reading & maths etc.) Ofcourse I love my child but just wish child would shine in something. Am I alone?

I must mention that I never let my feelings show. I always praise child for effort etc. Child always cries when coming last in a race game with friends. I tell child that winning is not everything and to remember to have fun. I don't think it is so much about me actually. Child always wants to win in everything but never good enough. Breaks my heart. For child's sake I hope we find something that child will truly enjoy and maybe does not involve comparing self with peers. Child will be joining musical theatre soon as enjoys singing and drama.

Any words of wisdom?

Please be kind.

Sorry but yabu. Your child is only 5 and I'm very sure that he/she is clever.

Your child has years ahead to try new things and improve in certain areas. And even if he/she is never amazing at something, so what?

Example, this time last year ds couldn't ride a bike at all, even with stabilisers, he cried when I got him a new bike for his birthday because he said he was no good at riding. Later that day he reluctantly had a go and he did it, two wheels. Yesterday we went on a 4 mile bike ride. If anyone said 6 months ago we'd be going on 4 mile bike rides I'd have laughed in their face.

Another example, reception sports day he came almost last in all of his races, year one he came first.

Point is that things can change very quickly, and even if they don't and your child just coasts or even struggles through, it doesn't matter. Praise and encourage and nurture and I'm sure that your child will be just fine.

It's a person's qualities that count for so much more than their academic or sporting prowess.

Being kind, funny, loyal, persistent, enthusiastic, confident, respectful, willing to take risks... these are the qualities which make a fine person, a soulmate, a great friend, a sought after employee, a popular neighbour, a leader. And no one will give two hoots what their reading level was at 5.

Your chikd needs encouragement to try and to take risks, practise in listening to instructions and following group rules, praise for effort and strides towards independence, and time to chill out at home.

I have great empathy for your OP as I suspect I will be disappointed if my child isn't clever/good at things... even though I know I WBU to feel that way, I still would.

Things I have taken away from this very good thread:

1. Dance, sport, reading and maths really aren't everything. There are so many other skills - being funny, being determined, being good with people, being organised are just examples.

When it comes to the child's long term future - say, in the job market or in their future relationships - these skills will be way more important than their maths ability.

2. Child is only 5. Plenty of time for their skills to develop. Children who were top of the class at age 5 can be totally average at at 18, and vice versa.

3. Competitive children (like my DH was, and I suspect my DD may be) have a bit of a miserable time. (Actually I think competitive adults do too). I will be doing all I can to dissuade DD out of a competitive mindset - though I realise it's partly just down to nature not nurture.

minipie great post.

I would add that although all the personal anecdotes on this thread about children changing to become wonderfully academic or sporty could be viewed as heartening it is the case that most people are not brilliant at anything (although that does not stop them being happy and having wonderfully fulfilling lives). If you're continually waiting for a metamorphosis of your child into a genius or even very very good at something then you might well be always disappointed in your child and that's not good in the long run.

Whichusername - I knew a family with a youngest daughter who struggled with everything academically and where her siblings were very musical etc, she wasn't. So they bought her a pony and she went on to become a top level eventing champ. Now obviously they had pots of money and ponies weren't a problem but I thought it was interesting that they didn't try to force her to be good at the things her brothers and sisters were good at, but tried to find something just for her. But as others have said, your LO doesn't need to win stuff to be special; the fact that he/she is so good at helping others is pretty special in itself

Why should your child be clever? Are you / your child's father high flyers? I really think you need to turn it around a bit, as I do find it concerning that you are disappointed by this. Not everyone can be high achievers, there always a good proportion of people who will be towards the bottom academically and who aren't good at sports etc. of course we need a certain amount of people in society who excel academically and take that forward into high flying careers, but we also need the rest of the population, the more "ordinary" if you like (and I use ordinary very much as a positive) who will lead happy, fulfilling lives and make vital contributions to society through their careers and their leisure pursuits.

Please just enjoy your child! Celebrate their achievements- this does not mean when they are top of the class, but for them may mean when they get 2/10 rather than 1/10 in a spelling test. Teach them not to worry about comparing themselves to others, but simply to focus on doing their best at everything. Do activities with them that are not achievement based - walks in the park kicking leaves, looking at the clouds, do some baking together. This is what will help them to grow into a well rounded, balanced, valued member of society.

Also just to add to what others have said - you really, really cannot predict at 5 whether a child is "clever" or not. My son was very much average at school for many years, badly failed his 11+ etc. After getting straight As he is now off to a top university. Two of the others struggle with learning difficulties, and the other with a significant learning disability. Whilst I celebrate my eldest son's achievement, I really have learnt that being clever is actually irrelevant, what matters is that a child is happy, healthy (as far as is possible) and is supported to achieve to the very best of their ability.

I could put my 8yo in your 5yo's class and could guarantee you that you 5yo wouldn't be bottom of the class any more. Whilst I dislike competitive parenting at either end of the continuum, I do think you need a sense of perspective and to learn to love your child for who they are.

why thank you croissant . Yes - by definition most people will sit somewhere around the average.

It's a difficult balancing act for parents between encouraging your child to do well and giving them the opportunities to find their talents, versus expecting them to shine at something.

God, 5 years old is very young to be worrying about being at the bottom of class is it not. My dd1 couldn't have sat through tennis lessons at 5, she couldn't ride a bike independently, swim, was only just learning to write, she's 9 now and is flying through school and the odd club.

I'm currently looking at my almost 4 year old who's trying to clip hair clips onto tongue!

I wonder OP how your child turned out. I know it's been about 8 years since this thread was posted but you never know 😀

When my DD was 5 a nasty teacher said how "ordinary" she was. To me she was wonderful.
That "ordinary" child is a doctor.

Amazing to hear about your DD!

Tbh no one likes losing .just learns to deal with it.5 is very young. He has years ahead.have fun with him ,encourage him to do well. Lots of activities helps .I think often children will change a year or two makes a big difference. Just enjoy the time with him it goes so fast.