To be disappointed that my child is not clever?

[Whichusername]

Academically or otherwise. Said child is 5 years old and is always at the bottom of everything child tries (dance/sport, reading & maths etc.) Ofcourse I love my child but just wish child would shine in something. Am I alone?

I must mention that I never let my feelings show. I always praise child for effort etc. Child always cries when coming last in a race game with friends. I tell child that winning is not everything and to remember to have fun. I don't think it is so much about me actually. Child always wants to win in everything but never good enough. Breaks my heart. For child's sake I hope we find something that child will truly enjoy and maybe does not involve comparing self with peers. Child will be joining musical theatre soon as enjoys singing and drama.

Any words of wisdom?

Please be kind.

child insists on keeping in with the lessons.

That is wonderful: lots of clever kids give up when there is something they can't do, as they are so used to doing things easily. If your child is so persistent they will eventually get there. There is so much more to success in its broadest sense than being clever.

I guess my question should have been how I can help improve child's self esteem. Yes, am not always confident myself so do not want the same for my child. I repeat, child wants to 'win' (probably not explaining myself very well here) so I thought my job would be to find something child can win in. Child is at prep school. Though not selective, children and their parents seem very competitive.

No, not my only child. Have a younger child.

Which, your child is still so young developmentally. Please try not to get sucked into comparisons with children who at this stage, seem more able academically and in any other areas. It sounds like you have the finances to let your child experience a range of activities outside the school curriculum, so continue to do that, if the child is interested or is happy to 'have a go'.

Also, please remember that it often costs nothing to help a child discover their passions. I'm thinking of a child, now 19, whose parent took them off to the local woods one day (child was 6 at the time) armed with an Ordnance Survey map (a waterproof laminated one) a carrier bag, drinks and snacks. They looked at the map together, parent drew a circle around the point where there stood, indicating how far might be possible for them to walk. Child had never seen such a detailed map before, but pointed at an O/S symbol ( happened to be a church). Parent had a simple compass, showed child how they'd work out getting there, child able to have a go at keeping arrow in right place sometimes, as they walked. Child's jobs was to collect things along the way to help record their journey, together they later put the items in chronological order. Child had a baby sibling who was taken along in a buggy as parent was a single parent at the time.

That child is in the fourth year at Uni now, studying geography and has recently finished a long placement with a company that specialises in finding certain minerals underground around the world. In primary school, the child appeared to be below average in many areas but, began to shine in certain aspects of geography and science towards the latter stages of primary .

I do not think am pushing child. Child wants to try different things.

Will try Rainbows

It is not a bad thing to learn to try hard, and someone who is good at everything can find it difficult in the workplace later on.
Just let your child try whatever they want to, rather than flitting from one thing to another in the hope of finding a talent.
If you teach Child to stick at things,to make the best of what they have, and to be glad for those who do win, he/she wont go far wrong in life.

Thank you Vesta and others who have given personal 'anecdotes'. Much appreciated.

how lonny please explain. I have never heard it as negative, I had SN myself and dd has too. for me it means extra lessons to catch up.

My dd2 hated rainbows because she doesn't like 'games' even ones which aren't meant to be competitive, but she loves ballet. It's not so much about finding something they will excel in as will enjoy.

I bet there are lots of things she can do.
Ride a bike, help make a cake, answer the phone properly?

Most 5 year olds are pretty average except the offspring of my friends, apparently. She'll find her own pace when she's older.

At 5 my ds didn't shine at anything in fact quite the opposite. At 13 he has a scholarship to an independent school and is a very good rugby player. Neither of these things were obvious until around three years ago.

I think its too young to say.

But also has it occurred to you that some of those who are less high flying actually get to enjoy life more?

YANBU
It sounds like the child is getting upset and possibly confidence knocked by losing. I think if child is competitive but keeps losing, I would try to stick to non-competitive stuff to avoid disappointment, build confidence, and just keep trying different activities until you find something they are at least average at, so will win some lose some. Losing is a good thing to learn, but not all the time...

It's wonderful your child is kind and looks out for other children. Dd is quiet and lacks confidence to make first move in social situations. If she ever were to go up to another child and ask if they were ok, I'd be so happy.

at age 5 my dd excelled in cuteness and nothing else she is 14 now still cute but also top of the class in many many subjects and apparently "gifted and talented" so dont write the kids off yet x

My dd1 was like this. The school got them to draw a self portrait for a tea towel and my dd was a circle with a triangle! Always last in sports, reading, maths etc! She had dyspraxia, dyslexia and ADHD. I thought she was doomed but is now 15 and predicted 5 As in gcse and the rest C and above. She's still not great at sports or maths but is amazingly creative and arty. Be patient your dc is still young and there is plenty of time to blossom. X

OP, I wouldn't ask your DD's teacher if she is "concerned" about anything.

They've been back two weeks (maybe less for you if it's prep school) so she won't be able to answer that question yet. And you will be told of her progress at parents' evening.

As a PP has said, please don't go seeking out signs of failure in your DD.

A lot of that sort of age DCs are fiendishly competitive, DD2 was. She threw massive tantrums if she didn't win and tried to change the rules.

I've no idea when she grew out of it because no one in the family would play board/card games with her for years, because it always ended with her storming off.

And everyone is right 5y is far too young to know what your best at, or even be good at anything.

At 5 county swimming champions can do a width or two of a splashy stroke. No one would ever guess DDs very shy DF would be county champion at another sport.

No one knows who are going to be good singers, dancers or musicians at five.

Give your DC time, opportunities and hugs.

I was expecting some really harsh words. Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions.

Well ds certainly excells in cuteness and nothing else

Try not to let it bother you OP. You sound like you're giving your DC the right messages i.e. winning is not everything/having fun is what counts. I lost half of my sight at 5 and was absolutely shit at everything. I remember how great my mum and dad were though and, like you, never made me feel sub-standard in any way. I think that's the best way.

give your dc time, opportunities and hugs

^ that.

Agree with everyone else about 5 being too young to tell. Your child could be great at all sorts. Or maybe she won't be. But she will still be great at being herself and at being you daughter. Nobody else can be that and with the right guidance, she won't suffer from not being an academic high flyer or having a special skill.

I hope the musical theatre goes well. I would strongly disagree with this though:
The musical theatre sounds good. Fun, enjoyable, not competitive.

In my experience musical theatre is one of the most cut throat, competitive hobbies out there. Far worse than sport. (maybe I'm bitter as someone who dedicated their whole life to it then couldn't quite make the cut in the professional world! :p) I teach performing arts and the amount of tears and bitchiness (I like to call it passion!) it can cause is extraordinary.

My 7 year old is hopeless at maths. My 11 year old is never picked for sports teams. Neither of them care a jot about these things. But if they don't master a dance move quickly enough for their liking or are disappointed with a role they are given our house becomes shrouded in despair and frustrated dreams (I am being a little facetious here!)

Too young to tell at 5. Does it matter? It's nice but it's not important. My DS is extremely clever, my DD "average", but she has life skills that can't be measured. she is intuitive, empathic and very sensible.

I was at a benefit dance show to raise funds for this teenage girl:

www.careforkatielou.co.uk/

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-south-scotland-18332045

Katie Lou was a bright fun loving teenager when drowning accident saw her brain starved of oxygen for 20 minutes. She suffered severe and permanent brain damage, unable to walk, talk or even eat.

Her parents are amazing and have supported Katie Lou to a huge exttent despite their devastation.

I am sure they would love to have a "just average" daughter. If I even get the teeniest thought of wishing my DD was cleverer I sharply remind myself of Katoe Lou and how very lucky I am to have a child that is healthy and happy.