To be disappointed that my child is not clever?

[Whichusername]

Academically or otherwise. Said child is 5 years old and is always at the bottom of everything child tries (dance/sport, reading & maths etc.) Ofcourse I love my child but just wish child would shine in something. Am I alone?

I must mention that I never let my feelings show. I always praise child for effort etc. Child always cries when coming last in a race game with friends. I tell child that winning is not everything and to remember to have fun. I don't think it is so much about me actually. Child always wants to win in everything but never good enough. Breaks my heart. For child's sake I hope we find something that child will truly enjoy and maybe does not involve comparing self with peers. Child will be joining musical theatre soon as enjoys singing and drama.

Any words of wisdom?

Please be kind.

No, school has not specific concerns. Last year's teacher was rather inexperienced though (first teaching job) so will be speaking to this year's teacher to find out whether they have any concerns.

I like the idea of trying a new instrument together.

You get good at stuff by being interested enough to keep trying and getting timely, relevant feedback on how to improve. I think "finding something to shine at" is mostly about finding that - something you enjoy, and a coach/mentor/teacher who gets you. (Unlike obnoxious tennis coach!)

"Shine" doesn't have to mean best, either, just that's your thing & you like it. At five, upset about coming last + shyness may just mean wanting to feel accepted and that they have a place, IYSWIM?

Well that's encouraging Which, as everyone said, hes only 5 not yet developed and still growing. Lots of praise, encouragement, and trying out different activities to see which one he likes. We cannot be top dog in everything, and that's what you need to bring across to ds.

Will try to relax and keep encouraging
The perfect way forward.

What I've noticed about life is that you don't have to be 'the best' or 'perfect' in order to do well and have a really good life.

For example, my sewing teacher at school despised me because i couldn't get eight small neat stitches to the inch. I felt bad. But as an adult, I've made clothes, curtains, bedlinen for my precious baby (years ago), pantomime outfits, and they've been fine, good, even.

Child who doesn't shine but is mum's beloved will be just fine.

OP you sound like you don't have much confidence yourself?

I really would not worry too much. At 5 my child was written off as having SN (largely because of severe anxiety) and never being able to reach her true potential. She turned out to be very clever, all A and A*'at GCSE and A level.

I think sometimes the things we are good at come later. My BF at primary school was always second best at everything, but is now a high flyer in the civil service largely through her personality, rather than because she is particularly clever.

Whichusername

This could have been written about me years ago.

It took until my late twenties to 'shine'. Your DC is 5 - at that age they should be enjoying exploring life, stress free and learning to interact with other kids.

My DS2 was similar at that age, OP.

Then when he got to year 5 (9yrs old), the class were given violins to learn. As you can imagine, me and DH shuddered at the thought of him practising at home

He'd never even held a violin before then, yet he took to it like a duck to water. He was eventually put on the G&T register and to this day (he's 15yrs old now), he still plays the violin and has taught himself to play the guitar.

No-one in our family could have possibly seen that coming. So there really is a world of possibilities out there...especially for a child so young.

I think it is wrong to tell a child that winning doesn't matter, it is all anout taking part etc.

Firstly, that is a lie and the child, even at this age, KNOWS you are lying.

Much better, imvho, to say :"what a shame you lost. It would have been nice to win. Not everyone can win." Then move on to the next thing. Telling a child "it does not matter" when it does matter to them is frustrating, and makes them feel you either don't understand or you tell lies.

Better to acknowledge their feelings. Nothing wrong with feeling a bit put out. You learn to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and try again!

OP, 5 is very young. You will find out what her talents are over the next 6 yrs. most kids are good at something, or even a few things.

So the tennis coach slowed his instructions and tone of voice down so your child could better understand what was required of them. And you pulled the child from the lessons? Is that right or have I missed something?

Perhaps the coaches tone left something to be desired, but they will have a range of strategies to try with each individual. Unless there is more to that anecdote, all you taught your child there was that we give up when we don't like someone's tone - can you see that?

For example, my sewing teacher at school despised me because i couldn't get eight small neat stitches to the inch. I felt bad. But as an adult, I've made clothes, curtains, bedlinen for my precious baby (years ago), pantomime outfits, and they've been fine, good, even.

Same here, except as an adult I discovered the delights of wonder web and never looked back!

Said child is 5 years old and is always at the bottom of everything child tries

How can you know where your child ranks at the age of 5? I'm not sure too much comparison to others at that age is healthy. As long as they're happy, making progress etc. And 'being clever' does not necessarily translate into academic or other success.

My friend's daughter was in remedial classes for everything, all through primary. They were told that their DD was never going to be academic, and they should think of a career for her, such as helping with animals or working in a nursery. She went to secondary and really took off academically. She's now at an RG university studying maths, having got a string of As and A*s in her GCSEs and A levels.

Please don't write him off yet!

Lonny op said that tennis coach slowed his voice so it sounded very patronising, that should not happen. Tennis coach sounded like he did not have much patience and so it showed in how he was explaining it to op child

Can you find something, even a small thing that you can teach your child that most other children don't know how to do? Even if your littleun achieves a very small amount of proficiency at it, at least it's something they can feel special at compared to the mainstream kids. Even if they get a small certificate, or at some point a participation medal, at least it's an achievement of their own.

All the other stuff comes with age. My 5yr old had a horribly out-of-tune singing voice and no rhythm at all. Now at 15 she sings with a national opera company and competes at national level in an artistic sport. Five years old have many skills to try before they find the right one.

I still use that word, there is nothing wrong with it! Its more American I think! Just means catch up lessons or extra lessons, nothing negative.

We had remedial classes in the 80s. It may not be the current word but there's nothing wrong with it as far as I know. In fact I think it's rather nice.

Yes I know Coolas, everybodies child is a genius. My good friends grandaughter is a genius at 20 months, she can talk very well, she is good in Maths and knows her alphabet. And how she is so clever that at nursery they moved her up to the 3-4 year room, because all the others were behind. Whilst I am pleased for her, it makes me sad about my speech and language delayed ds 2.7 who is not on that level yet.

but on the good side, ds is a happy little chappie, with a smile for everybody.

Patronising is a very adult concept aero. It could also be that op is highly sensitised to tones as she is waiting for her child to fail. I do this too, to be fair, but then ds has SN and usually does fail. I am still grateful to the coaches and teachers who take a bit of time to differentiate, even if they don't always get it right.

And there's a lot wrong with 'remedial'.

What about Rainbows or Beavers for your child? Lots of different activities that they are encouraged to try and enjoy.

My DS needed SLT and extra reading help at school. He really was not bright at all. He was a plodder and everything was just so hard for him.

He is now at uni and doing fine

Please do not worry about a 5 year old.

OP is this child your first and only child? You sound quite obsessed with his/her achievements or lack of. And how many 5 year olds have a tennis coach? Not many - it does sound like you are pushing.

I would suggest pulling right back and just letting him/her be. Five years old is so young.