To be disappointed that my child is not clever?

[Whichusername]

Academically or otherwise. Said child is 5 years old and is always at the bottom of everything child tries (dance/sport, reading & maths etc.) Ofcourse I love my child but just wish child would shine in something. Am I alone?

I must mention that I never let my feelings show. I always praise child for effort etc. Child always cries when coming last in a race game with friends. I tell child that winning is not everything and to remember to have fun. I don't think it is so much about me actually. Child always wants to win in everything but never good enough. Breaks my heart. For child's sake I hope we find something that child will truly enjoy and maybe does not involve comparing self with peers. Child will be joining musical theatre soon as enjoys singing and drama.

Any words of wisdom?

Please be kind.

My DD has a mild developmental disorder which means any skills involving motor/co-ordination takes twice as long as many other children. Being last in a race one day meant she could help a child who had fallen and they ran to the finish line hand in hand.
Not a dry eye on the field that day and that incident will be remembered longer than whoever won the race.
Sounds like your child may have similar strengths which will shape her life for years to come.

palen- that is so touching- you DD sounds lovely. X. Having compassion for others is a far more important thing than winning a race. She showed others too what really counts in life.

That is something paleness really lovely , exactly combust

I was wrote off as being thick in primary school, bottom of everything, struggled to follow instructions. Hit secondary school where they spent a year testing us to see our potential and I ended up top in everything and flew through school. I just hadn't enough maturity in primary to make the next of myself and secondary let me shine.

paleninteresting I appear to have gotten something in my eye while reading that. Wow, you should be so proud of her. What an example!

purple- my son was exactly the same. Bottom groups in everything at age 5, struggled to learn to read, improved a great deal by the age of 8 and came romping in at high school. Some kids are late developers.

Palen, that is very touching. Your daughter sounds lovely.

Purple, I'm glad things improved for you. Did you feel labelled as 'thick'? Is there anything you feel your parents could have done differently to support you?

Your child is five,my Mum was worried about my brother at the same age because he wasn't such a smarty pants as me. The very wise headmaster said he would improve with age. He went on to get a PhD in maths and has a very well paid job in insurance in the city.

They are very little at this stage, some kids develop later than others, the most important thing is that you support you child and encourage them to work at things (like the tennis) that they want to be good at. There's a great banner up in our local leisure centre that says 'Allow yourself to be a beginner'. No-one is brilliant the first time they try something, but hard work and persistence and practice, practice, practice is what gets you to become an expert. Remember 10000 hours.

Does your child think of others? Is he/she caring? Funny? Thoughtful? Silly? Easy - going? There are so many other things to feel proud of than whether your child is better at things than others.

Hi OP. Where do your and child's father's natural talents lie? There's a good chance that your child will have aptitudes for some of those.

Oh palen that's lovely. A far bigger reason for pride than running a bit faster than some other children! What a sweetheart.

OP I kind of get what you mean. It makes me really sad that my DD struggles with maths. Really struggles (I'm starting to look into dyscalculia). It is a shame because I had these dreams about my DCs being little maths geeks like me, and of course I don't want to see her struggle and lose confidence in something. I work hard on increasing her self esteem and when there's something she can do (eg 'partitioning' which I'm sure wasn't called a fancy name when I was her age ) I challenge her and she relishes the chance to shine at it. I don't want her growing up thinking "I can't do maths" as that's something that stays with you.

It struck me that 5 is surely quite young for a tennis coach anyway?! Lots of children don't have the coordination or strength at that age anyway. So maybe with these things it's not that she is terrible at them, it's that she is not developmentally ready to try them - I know my DD wouldn't have enjoyed gymnastics at that age as she was all flailing limbs, but now she's gradually developed the body confidence (purely by playing at the park more, and DH getting her mattress down in the living room for DCs to tumble on) she is often wowing her friends at the things she can do, and I'm hoping to get her into gymnastics club ASAP because she is ready for it now.

The problem with trying stuff too young is that it can put them off for life if they aren't ready. Not just that activity specifically but also giving a general sense of failure. I agree with those who've suggested less competitive stuff. I think it's a real shame that so many clubs put an emphasis on competing at such a young age.

I feel the same re my ds. He's also 5, young in his year 1 class as a summer born.
He's struggling with everything literacy wise. Numeracy isn't quite as bad but because he inverses his numbers gets things wrong. For example he had homework for one more and one less and for one more / less than 60 he'd written 59, 60, 61 but had inversed the 5 so it looked like 29 and so was marked as incorrect.
Reading is hopeless. Not getting anywhere fast. Writing is marginally better.
I actually don't know how children learn to read because mine has made no progress whatsoever since starting school last September. He could CVC then and that's where he is now.

OP even if your child did shine at everything, it wouldn't mean much at 5.

When parents of children at this age used to try to show off about their DCs achievements I would always say 'how very sweet' or 'oh bless.' Because as an adult I cannot be impressed by such silliness.

As time marched on some of these wunderkind did not prove themselves exceptional . Frankly most people aren't you know. And that's cool.

How about helping child to enjoy doing things with just you there, rather than there having to be a comparison with other DC. Perhaps do some cooking together using a very child friendly recipe so child can produce something to be proud of. Help child to acheive and enjoy; forget about being the best.

I worked for many years in child and adolescent mental health and I think I learned a thing or two and radically changed my attitudes.
I was reasonably academic and my parents were very pleased about this. They praised me for achievement and pissed people off bragged about it.
They also favoured my eldest child who found academic work easier than her sister and cousins.
I took on their attitudes without too much questioning and praised and encouraged achievement.
Mistake-daughter experienced it as pressure-consequences not great.
Have seen many kids at work with dyslexia, dyspraxia, Aspergers etc and very low self-esteem. The low self-esteem mainly due to comparing themselves with others, focusing on their difficulties rather than strengths etc.

What have I learned.

1. "Clever" is a very global and general concept. A very few people find most things easy, most people find some things easy and other things difficult and some people have to work hard at a lot of things. This is a description -not a judgement or evaluation.

2. If you want a child to have confidence measure them against themselves-not other children. Praise effort and progress. Children develop at their own pace.

3. Good social skills and self confidence are often more important than "shining". Some very "clever" children fall apart or become anxious. Some kids blossom late.

40 A parents job is to encourage and be a talent spotter. To find what your child is interested in. Five is often too young to tell what direction they will take.

5)It is disastrous to derive your own self-esteem from your child's achievements.
Agree with LokiBear that helping a child to develop their character will lead to greater happiness for them than comparing them to others.
Also agree that activities like Brownies, Cubs etc. may help-but again you need to try it out and see if it suits your child.

I felt like I was 'written off' as a child. Horrible feeling to be the thick one next to my genius sister.
Anyway I took something up as a hobby a coupke of years ago and have proven to be actually really really really good at it ( rather not say as I will out myself) ive built a new career around it that pays the bills and im competing in the top 10 later in the year for the uk final, ive also been invited to showcase all around europe and america.
My parents are totally flummoxed by the whole thing but are proud ive foubd my niche.
Your child will be an absolute star at something, you just have to be patient and continue to be his or her biggest fan. And remember they are 5.

I totally get where you are coming from as DS2 is in year 1 and cannot read anything more complex than CVC words and can just about write his (3 letter) name. He is reasonably ok with numbers.

I find it very difficult as DS1 (year 4) is incredibly bright and working at year 5 levels with ease in literacy and maths and is also incredibly sporty). It is so difficult not to compare them to DS2's detriment.

However DS2 shines in school plays and loves to perform so I need to harness that but drama classes are just so expensive He is also incredibly kind and caring so maybe it is true that he has enhanced social skills.

5 is really, really young to label your child as "not clever".

Mine's as dosey as they come - but just wonderful, as I'm sure yours is.

On the bright side we won't have to save for her uni fees :D

EQ tends to take people further in life than IQ. IQ is great, but EQ is better.

Your little one may turn out to be fantastic at interpersonal relationships and all else that EQ entails.

for you, and for your child.

Apparently "grit" is one of the surest indicators of future "success" in life. Not natural ability. (Tho some natural ability/lack of physical problems will obviously help, & in some cases might be a pre-requisite.)

So, if your child can manage to stick at learning/doing something they want, (or have), to do, (however 'bad' they might be at it to start with), this (learned) "grit" might end up being a lot more useful to them (later on) than a mere high IQ or a natural 'gift'.

I also reckon that beating "yourself", (ie the desire for self-improvement) is a better measure of progress than beating "others".

Say I took part in a "5km Fun Run": I would obviously be trying to beat my own piss-poor previous time and not trying to compare myself to some marathon runner my age!

And in the world of work, effort, concentration and having long-term goals probably makes for a more valuable employee than flashes of genius, mingled with thinly-disguised boredom/lack of comitment.

I really like the fable "The Hare and the Tortoise". (Might be a good story to tell to your child, to give him/her some hope, in spite of being far behind the pack in many areas for now?)

Personally, I have seen talented people who gave up, (and under-achieved), as well as "try-hards" who slogged away and then surprised everyone by eventually becoming high achievers. So please don't despere!

Learning to come from "behind" is a really great asset for a child ... for the future. (As well as not having too much of an ego from having had things happen too easily.)

Agree that life is competitve & so it's a non-sense to say "never mind if you come last". But it's also good to know that:

a) someone always has to come last
b) taking part, (and coming last), is a lot braver than not taking part
c) coming last, (eg in the Olympic 100m final), does not necessarily mean you are bad at something
d) beating "yourself" is a better measure of progress. (As you can only do your best with what you have.)
e) slow and steady sometimes wins the (long) race!

You sound like a great mum by the way! :-)

How many extra-curricular activities does your child do per week? I see some whose every waking minute is timetabled with activities and I feel so sorry for them because all most of them want is to spend some 1 to 1 time with one of their parents doing parent and child funstuff. Please try and factor some of that in if you don't already do so

Martial arts are a good hobby to have, far from being violent, they teach self-discipline and responsibility. Individuals reach different grades and levels at their own speed but they can compete either individually or as in teams for their club etc.

I was that child, I was shy, I didn't excel at anything, I didn't pass many exams. Primary school I can remember coming last in running races. Going into high school I can remember the principal saying in front of me that "her grades aren't good enough to do a language", worse is when my mother agreed, I still feel the confusion about not been given the chance. High school was glum, didn't fit in to any friends groups, could skip classes and teachers wouldn't even notice. My first year at college was terrible with a warning that if I communication picked up then I wouldn't be able to continue. So I worked hard and my last two years of college I excelled the better I did the more confident I got. I graduated with high merit as an early childhood teacher. Fourteen years later and people who met me know wouldn't realise that I was terribly shy or lacked confidence but it has taken years to change my mind set.

Winning races, getting As is not what makes one happy, it's an inner feeling that we should all practice. With your little one find his special gift. Some of the children I've nannied for have been exceptional at currency, very emotionally tuned so that they are aware of others, there are 100s of things that one can excel at so help him find it.

I have a high IQ and loads of qualifications. I am however terrible at relationships and have an incredibly low opinion of myself. This had lead me to being a generally unhappy adult and I think the way I feel about myself has held me back to a greater extent than the qualifications have pushed me forwards.

Being clever doesn't matter. I would rate confidence and happiness much higher.

PS - please don't put too much emphasis on him 'trying his best'. One of my lecturers on my MEd mentioned that putting too much focus on effort does no good for children who really struggle as despite best effort they still come last which just compounds their belief that they have low ability. I have no idea if this is backed by any evidence but it makes sense. I think a much healthier approach is to emphasise enjoyment. As long as he is enjoying it, it doesn't matter where he comes.

My gosh at 5 mine couldn't read well ( three word pages), couldn't write well, didn't win races...

now at 7 she is best at reading....in top sets....

I think you need to get into primary to get some perspective on what 5 year olds can do.