To be disappointed that my child is not clever?

[Whichusername]

Academically or otherwise. Said child is 5 years old and is always at the bottom of everything child tries (dance/sport, reading & maths etc.) Ofcourse I love my child but just wish child would shine in something. Am I alone?

I must mention that I never let my feelings show. I always praise child for effort etc. Child always cries when coming last in a race game with friends. I tell child that winning is not everything and to remember to have fun. I don't think it is so much about me actually. Child always wants to win in everything but never good enough. Breaks my heart. For child's sake I hope we find something that child will truly enjoy and maybe does not involve comparing self with peers. Child will be joining musical theatre soon as enjoys singing and drama.

Any words of wisdom?

Please be kind.

the dc of a friend, when at primary, was not apparently good at anything, appeared to be. "off with the faeries " so that's up till 11 yo

Discovered physics at secondary school, now has a degree, a masters in something incomprehensible, works in a v. important specialised job involving international travel etc.

Who knows what lies in future for your dc.

My dd has always been crap at stuff like running and other school sports.

At 5yo, probably up to the age of 8yo she wasn't great academically either - teacher said she was a year behind in Year 2.

Something clicked in Year 4 and she went on to pass her 11plus. She's now at secondary school and in the top sets for most subjects.

She's still crap at PE. But enjoys cycling and rock climbing and runs 5ks quite quickly. She's really, really good at art which we didnt realise until secondary school. She's got a talent for languages which again we didnt know till secondary school. She's also taken to IT like a duck to water and is teaching herself to code.

I've just tried to encourage her to follow her interests and supported her where I've been able to.

Not all kids are going to be in top sets or good at sport but I do believe all children will have something they're good at. Its just a case of finding that thing and having fun finding it.

Your child could have been my child for years.
I have gone out of my way to encourage DD try the most obscure things,at 16 she is an accomplished scuba diver,photographer,model and pole vaulter.
Others would say she is poor academically and conventionally but both of us care a little less nowadays

My eldest DC dearly wants to be best at anything. Runs like Phoebe from friends, co-ordination like the stooges and cycles like a fish on a bike. But my goodness, DC can swim circles around peers. I take mine swimming every summer, lessons each week and the confidence has shot up!

It's just finding your child's niche. Eldest is swimming and reading. Youngest has a memory like an elephant and can sing! But neither of them can kick a football without an improbable trajectory that takes it out of the game. Your doing well in supporting and praise. They'll get there.

Ds1 at five was way behind all the other kids. It honestly didn't bother me at all, but I'm pretty pragmatic about stuff like that.

He's now 10, and the top of his class. At five I was absolutely sure that academics just weren't his strong point, and that was cool, he's a fantastic lad. But really it doesn't mean anything whatsoever at that age. He still has no common sense whatever but he is academically brilliant.

DS1 was way behind at age 5 both academically and at PE. He's very dyspraxic.
He won his Primary School talent competition when he was 10 for doing a comedy routine. Top of his class at English, doing well in everything else except science and PE and loves drama. Also one of the nicest people I know.
5 is really too young to think your child isn't bright.

OP I grew up in a very competitive, abusive environment, and as an adult I feel ill about trying new things as I don't know if I'll be good at them. And the fear of failure is crippling. I'm having counselling to deal with it becuase I worry about its impact upon the DCs. I don't want them to ever feel they are not brilliant as they are.

And recently, DS taught me an amazing lesson. He's been doing rugby for years, since he was 4 and it was every weekend. Now he's 9 his school is running rugby teams, and he's been put in the bottom team, with the boys who have never played rugby because realistically he doesn't have the aptitude for rugby. I found that incredibly hard because I felt as if all the weekends of taking him to rugby had been wasted. Then I spoke to DS and he was so excited about playing at school, and he told me he didn't care which team he was in, because he just loves it so much. And I realised he's right, and I need to respect his good sportsmanship, and positive attitude.

Your DC may never be the best at something visible like sport, or academically, but she will be the best at being her own, unique self.

Don't be too hard on yourself, but also don't worry.

Has your little one got friends? Does he/she enjoy playing? Is school enjoyed? Is he/she healthy, lots of energy and happy? If so, the rest takes care of ltself. Still not convinced! Take a walk around Great Ormond Street.
Read lots of lovely stories, have outings, play games and talk, talk, talk. All will be well, achievements will follow naturally.

I am good at certain things. Those are my personal strengths. But when compared to other people I measure up solidly in the middle. Not best there ever was, but certainly not shabby either.

(I'm just using "he" as default gender)

You can't compare what he's good at next to other children. You need to compare what he's good at based on his own personal strengths and weaknesses.

Kids have some natural talent, but it takes about 10,000 hours to master something. He has not yet poured 10,000 hours into something. Find out what your child loves and encourage him to keep at it just for the sake of it. If he loves doing something, with enough time he'll eventually get good at it.

The difference between a talented child and untalented child is the amount of practice and discipline they put into their craft.

I found with my first D's l had him in coaching stuff far too early..more my over enthusiasm.. Violin at 5 etc!!..realised with others that they come to things later and is about having fun..my youngest D's was always quiet and shy but now at 19 he has so many friends..still quiet but seems to get on so well with people and has kept friends for years..not too majorly gifted in any area but pretty OK at most stuff and very interested in life in politics etc...l find him great company but he never won a medal in his life or got a prize...when you think of your friends they are probably like that and that's why you love them

I think this is really tricky as am sure most of us would like our children to do well in life in academic as well as the social sense.

My dd appears to be following in my footsteps of being very average intelligence, can do well but will have to work at it. I find this a bit sad as I had hoped that dd might have found school and learning easier than I did.

Don't worry.

We are family full of people who have excelled academically. Ironically, the two people who left schools with just GCSEs and didn't study beyond are the ones who are now millionaires.

We had the opposite problem in my family. My mother was one of those rare children who excelled effortlessly at almost anything they turn their hand to not a trait I inherited, which meant she never really learnt to stick at anything. My aunt is much more 'average', but achieved more in the long run because she learnt patience and persistence growing up.

I think I was considered thick until about 7. I have very few memories before then. I can confidently say I am not thick now nor considered thick by anyone.

He/she is only 5. They can take some time to grow into themselves.

DS is 5 and can read anything. G&T for that. Good at maths too. However, he can't write or draw to save his life. He hates practicing and failing at anything, gives up easily. So when everyone else cathes him up at reading, he will be "just" average again, as he won't put the work in. Maybe he will change as he matures, but only time will tell. I try not to worry about his quirks and full on personality, but it's hard not to.

I was always a bit rubbish at sport as a child (and now!) and last to be picked for the teams at school but I enjoyed sport outside school partly because I went to a club where you worked for individual badges/awards rather than doing competitions. Lots of sports and activities are (or can be) organised like this and it means that every child has something to work towards and will have successes that can be celebrated. It also meant that the kids in the class weren't competing against each other and actually helped each to improve and learn the next skill.

I also think it's good to do something a bit different, rather than an activity that all his/her classmates do too, as it makes it their special thing which they will end up being better at doing.

My dd1 was like this at 5, she's dyspraxic and was very shy

She's nearly 10 now, has a beautiful singing voice and is in all sorts of special choirs etc. She's also turning into a good actor. She shines academically in some subjects, despite appalling handwriting and spelling, is bottom in others. She has loads of friends.

5 is too young to worry, though I understand your concerns as I had similar. Just be loving and encouraging and all will be well

A really inspiring thread. OP personally I understand where you are coming from, and do not think YABU. Sometimes it can be wearing trying to keep repeatedly positive in the face of your DC's disappointment.

Didn't really have a thought on remedial myself, but dictionary says 'giving or intended as a remedy or cure', so could imply a child in remedial education is somehow broken, or 'wrong', which of course they aren't.

But really, will all children shine at something? I'm not sure they will. Some kids will go through life just being better or worse at certain things, but there really is no reason to assume everyone has a fantastic talent at something. And surely that's OK too, and it's about finding things your child enjoys, rather than what she's exceptionally good at.

Most children don't shine at anything at 5. I certainly didn't! But I went through, got a degree (if that's your thing), enjoy many different hobbies (one of which I earn a bit of money from and also win prizes at competitions from), I rent my own flat in London and earn over £35,000. I'm generally happy, have friends and family around me and live a varied life.

If you'd have asked my parents at 5 what I shined at they probably wouldn't have known what to say. I 'found' one of my current hobbies at 9 and I suppose you could say I'm particularly good at it but I wouldnt. When I was 9 however, it stood out a lot more.

Wow that sounds like a massive stealth boast but it's not trying to be, I'm just trying to point out that for most all of my primary school career I wasn't very good at anything really, yet I've done ok out of it all.

You need to be VERY aware of how you might be projecting your thoughts onto him, even if you don't feel like you are. Facial expressions, body language etc can really influence a child and you need to make sure you're not appearing to be disappointed or concerned for him. He's just fine.

I understand the anxiety about your child coming last in races. DS is the same and I know I'm projecting massively by feeling so sorry for him. At this year's sports day he didn't win any stickers until the end when every child got one for taking part, and that cheered him up. I was so anxious for him beforehand though, because I knew he was old enough to notice now and get upset.

Conversely, his friend is super fast, very strong and just more developmentally mature. He has a terrible time at sports days, and playing any game really, because if he doesn't come first in everything he is distraught. I think they will probably both grow up to become more average in ability and happier as a result.

Put in 10,000 hours and you can be good at just about anything. My sister always says she was very good at art because someone told her her dog drawings were good as a child so she did more and more of them and got good. My brother only decided at 15 he wanted to read medicine at Cambridge so began working very hard and did it (although he was already in a very academic private school from a young age).

It is good if a child can find something it's good at even if just being kind to others (which where atheists as much as religious people can really help their children). A good few of my children work very hard to do as little effort as possible. I remember at pre school they would seek to ensure they never reached the final of the annual learn a poem by heart competition because finalist had to learn extra poems and go to the event. Even that avoidance can be a useful life skill (although of course I would have preferred had they been vying to win top prize).

If you do want them to be good do this:

1. Be positive, smile and happy with them. Say 5 positive things for every negative.
2. Hear a 5 year old read to you every single day at bed time. read them a bed time story.
3. By the time they are 6 or 7 start them on one or two music instruments and hear them practise every single day without fail.
4. Try to get them into a very selective academic school at 5 ( we did and it worked) so they are in an environment of excellence.
5. Then just relax - a lot of children are born, not made.

It all pans out. Our oldest who got into her selective private primary school a year young stayed down aged 6 for 2 years in the same class (she is slightly dyslexic). She is now a City lawyer on just over £100k. Her younger sister could read every book that was shown to her at her school interview when she was nearly 4 ( so about 2 years ahead of her sister in reading) and she got almost identical A level and degree results and is also a lawyer in London. In other words the early differences have not born out. That second one, the sitting around a lot reading one when she was 3 and 4 ended up in the sixth form with whole school prize for sport and plays a sport of the England team. You just cannot predict although you can certainly seek to give them opportunities.

Put in effort and it usually pays off. How often does your child see you reading and loving it? Do you read to them every night? Do they read to you every day? Do you h ear their spellings and practise times tables with them? If not they may well not thrive as much as those children whose parents do those things.

Your dd will be fine OP, they are all like this at this age from my experience anyway.
She will find her own and when she does she will be fine. I too don't think that 5 is the age to judge intelligence or cleverness, wait until she is about 7 and you will probably by then find her leaning towards certain subjects.
My dd was always average nothing more at all, and then she started to get really good at music. Turns out she is very talented about 5 years beyond her years according to specialists.
You never know what they will be good at when they are infants, give her time and watch her interests grow.

Since this is AIBU, YABU!

Impossible to say at this age if your child is "clever". It's a very broadly defined term.

Your child sounds like a child of great substance. He/she is determined and kind. Fantastic qualities for the future, don't assume all kids have these.

Keep encouraging him/her to have a go, not to quit and keep trying. If he/ she doesn't want to try and isn't bothered, that's when it might be disappointing. Sounds like a great kid!