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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Bra-less at my BBQ?

551 replies

BioSuisse · 21/09/2014 09:59

Last night DH and i hosted a BBQ for newish friends whom we had never hosted before. DH invited a female colleague whom i had never met before. She turned up with her boyfriend but not her bra. She was wearing a thickish cotton white top. You could see the outline of her boobs and nipples if you looked.

After the party i mentioned it to DH. He claimed to not have noticed.

MN jury?

OP posts:
UptheChimney · 21/09/2014 12:51

Ina fully aware of my own sexuality way

motherinferior me too Grin

Ok, so where shall we stage the bra-burning? Somewhere really inappropriate. OUtside Spearmint Rhino?

Oh no, that would be too serious & political. Silly me. This thread is about judging what women do, not what men do ...

ILoveTurnips · 21/09/2014 12:52

Some posters are really embellishing the OPs story. Confused Fair enough to disagree with the OP if you think it's ok to be big boobed and braless when you are out but its a bit ridiculous to embroider her story to suit a outraged point of view.

Wonc · 21/09/2014 12:53

Yanbu. At all.

minkah · 21/09/2014 12:53

Well said plinkyplonks

ProfessorVonIgelfeld · 21/09/2014 12:55

Lying If so, perhaps no subsequent invitation should be extended.

The thread isn't a question about whether to invite the woman again, it's about whether it was inappropriate to turn up dressed as she was.

I think YANBU, OP. And you are entitled to your opinion, just as some posters believe, highly vocally, that they are entitled to theirs.

UptheChimney · 21/09/2014 12:56

you have the "right" to be uncomfortable

Of course the OP has the right to feel any way she feels. But she made a judgement that her guest's behaviour, in not wearing an item of clothing, was inappropriate not that it made the OP feel something. The OP judged; she didn't say she felt.

It's an important difference, I think.

BioSuisse · 21/09/2014 12:56

My mental health? What is wrong with my mental health now?

OP posts:
PistolWhipped · 21/09/2014 12:57

I'm with you OP. I can't bear these women who assault my eyes in public places with their huge pendulous udders entirely unsupported by a parachute bra. Put 'em away, cock!

minkah · 21/09/2014 12:59

BioSuisse you are being trolled.

Biscuit
KatieKaye · 21/09/2014 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/09/2014 13:00

plinky... If you feel that there is bullying behaviour on this thread then perhaps directly report those posts rather than make snide comments about it.

BioSuisse · 21/09/2014 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

UptheChimney · 21/09/2014 13:02

And if I had been at the barbecue and the OP had asked me "ooo look at her. Don't you think that's inappropriate?" I'd have said "No. What's your problem?"

No problem about saying that. And I might have laughed at the OP's "inappropriate" -- but frankly, I don't think I have any friends IRL who'd be so judgemental.

I might be a bit worried about the guest's breast tissue being unsupported, but a tshirt or a vest can do that quite well, IME.

plinkyplonks · 21/09/2014 13:03

OK, let's get onto the topic of judgement then.

So far the OP has been accused of a number of things - all caused by people making JUDGEMENTS on the OP. This includes: making judgements on her sexuality and her marriage.

Second of all, there are social norms. It was the OP's house, and the work colleague turned up in attire that goes against social norms - putting the OP in an awkward position. She didn't want to make the colleague feel awkward by asking her to leave, which she was within her rights to do, and she didn't ask her to cover up either. So far, the OP has shown far more restraint than I would have in that situation. Likelihood in future, that work colleague will not be invited to future BBQs.

Finally, it perfectly normal to make judgements on people. We make judgments on people all the time, subconsciously, it's part of our decision making process and there is nothing wrong with it. The issues arise with judgment when we generalise or mis associate certain behaviours - i.e. a provocative outfit with certain personality characteristics or traits - i.e. she looks easy because she is wearing a short dress. I don't see any such judgement issues with the OP's question, she simply felt uncomfortable.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 21/09/2014 13:04

Last I checked there wasn't a law that said women should wear a bra.

I can't understand the angst that someone didn't. It's not like. BBQ is a formal dress affair. Why would anyone give a hoot if someone didn't have a bra on?

JanineStHubbins · 21/09/2014 13:05

Really plinkyplonks? You would ask a guest to leave or cover up if you weren't happy with the way she (because it's always a she, isn't it) was dressed? I'm sure parties at your house are great fun.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 21/09/2014 13:06

Plinky - I'm not aware of any social norms that dictate a BBQ Bra. I'm not sure what your point is.

plinkyplonks · 21/09/2014 13:07

JanineStHubbins - if someone was making me feel very uncomfortable - whether it is caused by their behaviour, what they are wearing or something they have said, yes I would ask them to leave.

calonwyn · 21/09/2014 13:08

Well, to be honest, while I absolutely agree that it's up to a grown woman to dress as she likes, and am envious of anyone still perky enough to go without, I'd have found it hard not to stop looking, once I'd noticed her breasts were determined to join the party in their own right - but you invited her along so she could meet people... and I bet every single guest at your BBQ remembers meeting her. So, mission accomplished. as long as she doesn't mind being known as Titania Brasov by everyone at the company

MarianneSolong · 21/09/2014 13:09

Is a BBQ bra like a penis beaker? Or guest sanitary protection?

(The good hostess has a range of lingerie so if any female guest has carelessly forgotten the social norms she can be directed - tactfully - to the bra drawer.)

PistolWhipped · 21/09/2014 13:09

These are the things I don't want to see at my barbecue:

  1. A bloke holding his knob in a finger bun, pretending it's a hotdog

  2. A woman with heifer-like breasts and nipples the size of Africa practising her right to wear what she likes at my barbecue as my husband and his mates look on with a hard on whilst having to pretend they're reading her T-shirt which says: 'What The FUCK Are You Looking At, Dickwad? I'm a FEMINIST, you cunt.'

KatieKaye · 21/09/2014 13:10

societal norms for a barbeque means casual dress, people getting pissed, kids running around like crazy and the dog sneaking a sly sausage. It does not mean having to wear a bra in case someone "feels uncomfortable".

Why should the fact that someone is not wearing a bra make anyone else feel uncomfortable? I just don't get it.

OP herself admitted she had been paying great attention to this woman's breasts. That is what I find inappropriate. IF a guy has posted on here and said "I was at this barbeque and this girl wasn't wearing a bra and I couldn't stop looking at her breasts" I highly doubt he would have had many people saying "well, it was her fault for not wearing a bra."

At least I hope so.

JanineStHubbins · 21/09/2014 13:10

How bizarre to think that you have the right to control how other women dress, and punish them if they don't abide by your 'rules', plinky.

UptheChimney · 21/09/2014 13:13

there are social norms

As far as I know, there is no "social norm" that requires a woman wear a particular item of clothing. There are laws against public nakedness, but this was not what the OP asked us to judge -- and yes, she asked the MN jury, in her 1st post.

This thread is really depressing in the way that so many apparently intelligent, independent women accept so meekly and as a "social norm" a piece of clothing which seeks to shape them in ways that cover up, or disguise their bodies.

The brassiere, as a piece of clothing, is relatively recent. It's still not worn much outside the west. My grandmother rarely wore one: she'd grown up in the 1920s with the bodice or vest. A generation or two earlier, and women didn't wear knickers. They wore split crotch bloomers.

Promoting the idea that we all have to wear an item of clothing to hide an aspect of our bodies is promoting the limitation of women's freedoms, and condoning the judgement of women's behaviour in the light of what they wear. It's but a few steps to "Well, of course she was attacked. She was wearing a short skirt. She was asking for it."

It's the same mentality.

I might be light-hearted & joking about bra-burning, but there was a serious reason for women doing that. They were protesting against the judging of women by what they wear, or how they look; and the forcing of women's bodies into a pre-ordained & sexist notion of what a woman's body should look like.

You younger women have a lot to learn, and you should remember what women going before have done for you.

Gileswithachainsaw · 21/09/2014 13:13

Is a BBQ bra like a penis beaker? Or guest sanitary protection?

Grin
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