To think the 12 wk taboo needs to be broken?

[Marymaymay]

I recently had a miscarriage at nearly 12 weeks. I had told work, friends and family that I was expecting. Partly because I had a 7 wk scan where the heart was beating but also because I was busting with excitement. Mainly though I told them because I knew that if I had a miscarriage that I would need their help and support.

I am a very open person and find having others to talk to really help me and it really has. I completely understand that many people are very private and would rather keep it to themselves and it should always be down to personal choice.

However, so many people seem so stunned that I had told them about it before 12 weeks. It seems that this is such a medicalised cultural thing to do and makes miscarriage so much more taboo than it needs to be. Miscarriages are a fact of life for many women, the more we discuss it, the easier it becomes for those who go through it.

What do others think about it?

I think it's more of a miscarriage taboo, rather than a 12 week taboo?

I agree with the point you're making about de-stigmatising MC.
I think when to tell the wider world about a pregnancy is a very personal choice and I've done both (told early, told late).

MC however, I am very open about and will talk about mind as I think going through it is bad enough without having to feel it's a failure/your fault/a dirty secret or something.

The problem with early pregnancy announcements is of course that if something goes wrong you have to 'untell' again which is emotionally hard IME.

I felt exactly the same as you and told people early for the same reasons.

I don't agree though that there is a taboo in telling people before 12 weeks. It's a personal thing. Some people are more private in nature, some have had repeated miscarriages and want to deal with their pain in private if it happened again, and many people will have many different reasons as to why they want to keep it to themselves until later in the pregnancy.

Saying 'we should break down this taboo and people should talk about it more' (paraphrased) is as ridiculous as telling you to shut up and keep it to yourself until 12 weeks.

I have no problem with people telling me about their pregnancy before 12 weeks (I didn't realize it was taboo so much as uncommon) if they unfortunately lose the pregnancy I'll of course be sympathetic and try to be supportive as best I can. I don't think it should be taboo to talk about miscarriage, it's very common yet not spoken much about so being more open might help other women who have been through it.

That said I'm very private and would always wait as long as possible to tell everyone except my DH as I would hate to have to tell everyone and watch them try to be nice when I would rather just deal with it in private.

I'm sorry for the loss of your pregnancy and hope you're getting lots of great support from everyone around you.

I never understood it myself. It's no guarantee of anything.

I told close people before for all 3 babies and 2 of my mc's. After 3 mc's before that I generally work to the rule that I tell people who I'd tell about a miscarriage.

It's a very personal decision though based on people's circumstances. If someone announced on Facebook or some big fanfare at 5 weeks I might be a bit not because I think they shouldn't but because my own experiences colour my view and it seems a bit 'counting your chickens etc' for me. It must be nice not to have that worry and be able to shout about it though.

I completely agree, having had a MMC discovered at our 12 week scan. We had also told lots of people through excitement and the view that we would tell them if we lost the baby. One of the comments I received a lot, usually tacked onto the hugely unhelpful "you're young" (not really at 34) "you'll be pregnant again in no time" (possibly, but I'm grieving for this baby right now, and it actually it took more than a year to get pregnant again) "you probably won't tell people as early next time" (wtf, why not? cos it's upset you knowing). I did tell just as many people just as early this time round, but not the people who made comments like that.

I really don't understand why miscarriage is such a taboo subject when it happens to so many people.

Is it ridiculous that people should talk about miscarriage more yellow? I certainly wasn't saying everyone should talk about it, of course it is down to personal choice. Not sure that anything I said was ridiculous. What I was saying was that in my experience some people looked at me as if I was mad telling them before 12 weeks because I might lose that baby, it reinforces the idea that I shouldn't be telling anyone if it did actually happen and that there is shame in the miscarriage.

I'm a 'deal with it in private' person. I also witnessed some of DP's insanely superstitious family being absolute shits to another family member who had 2 (late) miscarriages. The same people are also crappy to my SIL who only has girls
I had a lot of bleeding early in my first pregnancy and it was a no-brainer to keep it to myself.

I'm nearly 14 weeks and not planning on telling anyone until absolutely necessary. It's a high risk pregnancy and if anything awful happens I want DP and I to be able to grieve in private and not cause pain to family members or put others in an awkward position. That's just me though. I'm not good at sharing stuff (in RL) at the best of times. I don't think there's any sort of taboo at announcing before 12 weeks though. Lots of people do, especially with the excitement of a first pregnancy. Kate & Will obviously don't have a problem with it!

I hardly told anyone till 20 weeks and beyond! I don't do announcements really.

Really interesting to find out that others feel the same. So important when so many people have experienced the pain of miscarriage. The support of my friends and colleagues has been amazing and has been a huge part of the healing process.

It's quite interesting to consider though just why so many people do wait as they wouldn't want to tell others, where does that sense of privacy come from - is it from within or imposed on us as a society where grief and 'women's problems' are swept under the carpet. I wonder what they do in countries where there are no 12 week scans. Although I guess they are possibly the same countries where pregnancy testing is also pretty rare.

Last pregnancy, we didn't tell anyone except our parents until 12 weeks, and suffered in silence with morning sickness and exhaustion. Announced it after our 12 week scan, only to then lose the baby at 21 weeks with a "late missed miscarriage", ie we found out at the 20 week scan that he had died.

If/when we conceive again, I won't bother keeping it secret from friends, even at 5-6 weeks - I would certainly need support if I miscarried again. However, I'm not convinced id announce it to the world via Facebook until the baby was actually safe in my arms. The is no date at which it becomes guaranteed that you will have a live baby at the end.

So, yes, I get what you're saying. I think if you would like a friend to support you if you miscarry, then there is no point in keeping it secret from them. But it's a very personal decision.

I think it's more of a miscarriage taboo, rather than a 12 week taboo?

^this.

also, it's an individual decision and each woman should make her own decision regardless of what anyone else says or does. some people share lots, health, finances, relationships- you would never dream of telling those that don't that they should talk more about their finances or their relationship- would you? some people are just more private than others. this is very much a case of each to their own.

Completely agree spaniel, it's hugely personal. However I would like to be able to announce when I want to announce (which I will do again next time, fingers crossed) without fear of disapproving looks or people potentially saying 'I told you she should have waited'. I'm a pretty confident strong person who can shoulder that kind of thing. Some people aren't and I think that as a society there needs to be a bit of a change towards making that ok. It really does seem to be one of the last taboos out there and it is such an important issue.

Tbh I found the decision simple- tell those who you want to be there for you if something goes wrong.

I told friends and close family way before 12 weeks, but only did acquaintances, distance relatives and neighbours I chatted to in the morning know after 12 weeks.

I didnt have an early scan so I didnt know anything was even in there until 12 weeks so didnt want to tell all and sundry.

This thread has made me wonder about this, I'm currently expecting but have severely restricted who I told following a miscarriage earlier in the year where I'd been quite openly excited as soon as I got my bfp. I don't really know why I've done that, I don't feel like I had too, I guess, I just preferred not to have to go through the "untelling" over and over again.

dia, I've not said at any point that anyone who doesn't want to talk about it should. Absolutely 100% not. But the option should be there for those who want to and at the moment, unless you are Teflon coated, it's not!

If it did become more accepted, perhaps more people would prefer to announce earlier and be able to have the help and support of their friends and family.

It's about making both choices possible, at the moment, they're not.

I don't think it's should be taboo to talk about miscarriage, no. Did you miss the bit where I said I told people early when I was pregnant for exactly the same reasoning as you?

I do think it's ridiculous to push people to share the fact that they're pregnant before 12 weeks, when the timing you choose to share this is influenced by many many different factors and personal experiences. For you it would have been wrong and against all your instincts to keep it to yourself. I was the same. Can't you see that for a very private person, who has had multiple miscarriages and had to deal with many insensitive and upsetting comments, that asking them to talk about it to break down a taboo would be as wrong to them as expecting you to keep schtum would have been for you?

People should announce their pregnancies at a time that is right for them. There should be no pressure to break down taboos regarding miscarriage, their only consideration should be their own feelings and preferences.

It has been easier for you to be open and to talk about it and I wish you all the very best. For someone else it would be easier to deal with it in private and not have to face any questions about how they are from well meaning colleagues /family /acquaintances.

I also told people before 12 weeks for my 3 dc and my 3 m/c for the same reasons as you. I am very open and as 2 of my m/c's were at xmas which i usually love, i would have hated people thinking that i was just a misery for not joining in with the festivities. My close family and friends knew i was pg pretty much straight away at about 5 weeks and i just let the news filter through people naturally (i would never plaster it on facebook at 5 weeks, 12 weeks or 30 weeks). The same happened when i m/c'd. I told the close friends and family and news travelled.

I actually met one of my parents friends out and about after my first one. She knew i was pg but news hadnt travelled that fast about my m/c so she asked how my pg was going. Surprisingly i was fine enough to tell her and she was lovely, said the same had happened to her many years ago.

If people choose not to tell for their own reasons then that is perfectly fine but if you want to tell for the support etc then you should never be made to feel like you shouldnt have.

The 12 week 'cut off' and scan dates are a bit arbitrary IMO.

Miscarriages happened as much or as little before scans became standard practice and still do in places were scans are not available. In some way, knowing we are pregnant from so early on (sometimes even before a period has been missed) makes for a much longer wait and can IMO actually generate more anxiety.

But the option should be there for those who want to and at the moment, unless you are Teflon coated, it's not!

of course the option is there or else no-one would do it. I did it with not 1 single comment about telling before the magic 12 week mark. if the people you are telling are making those comments then are they really the people you should be depending on for support? (which was your reasoning for telling them early- support if things don't work out as planned)

I don't get it yellow, I'm talking about choice being available for everyone. I wouldn't push anyone into talking about it of they didn't want to. I don't know how you're reading that into any of my posts? We seem to be arguing the same points!

There should be no pressure to break down taboos regarding miscarriage, their only consideration should be their own feelings and preferences

totally agree.

Marymay, I agree that it's down to personal choice. At the same time that you are very open to talk about it, don't you think telling someone who doesn't believe the same as you has the right to be surprised or shocked? I probably wouldn't say anything but my expression might and I don't think I would be wrong.