To think the 12 wk taboo needs to be broken?

[Marymaymay]

I recently had a miscarriage at nearly 12 weeks. I had told work, friends and family that I was expecting. Partly because I had a 7 wk scan where the heart was beating but also because I was busting with excitement. Mainly though I told them because I knew that if I had a miscarriage that I would need their help and support.

I am a very open person and find having others to talk to really help me and it really has. I completely understand that many people are very private and would rather keep it to themselves and it should always be down to personal choice.

However, so many people seem so stunned that I had told them about it before 12 weeks. It seems that this is such a medicalised cultural thing to do and makes miscarriage so much more taboo than it needs to be. Miscarriages are a fact of life for many women, the more we discuss it, the easier it becomes for those who go through it.

What do others think about it?

Yellow - yes, I was lucky to have had the experience of the straight talking but very kind friend in the second scenario - if it hadn't been for her, I'd have been feeling very let down and exposed in an uncomfortable way about it all. But that comment really did help me change my way of thinking about my miscarriages, which was a good thing.

Of course it wouldn't work for everyone - but that's why I do agree to an extent with the OP - people shouldn't feel that they can't talk about early MC, or being pg early just in case it doesn't work out. Doesn't mean they should have to talk about it either - but they shouldn't feel uncomfortable if they decide to. :)

Dia, am putting together a survey monkey as we speak. Seriously, arguing that point is ridiculous.

The vast majority of women wait until after 12 wks, it's a given. There's enough to chew over here already, no need to sweat the small stuff...

I'm sorry that you had a mc though, I knew well before 12 weeks with each of mine (bleeding and scanned as a result each time) and it was still devastating. Referring back to your OP about bursting with excitement, it just wan't that way for me, we had taken a long time to conceive and I was terrified of something going wrong.

We lived away from family and I told my colleagues when it became difficult not to but not family until our first visits after the 12 week scan. I thought statistics showed most mcs happened in the first 12 weeks? I would have happily told my family earlier but the IL's are horrible gossips who have scant regard for the truth and the thought of so many lies being spread about me at such a vulnerable time if I had a mc was just to much. So I sat and suffered and didn't get the support my family would have given me in early pregnancy and beyond had I needed it. Thankfully I didn't.

I think with anything that you need support with then you take care when deciding who to tell. telling close friends at 6 weeks does not have to result in lots of people knowing- just like I would expect my friends to keep in confidence anything I told them about my financial problems I would expect the same if I told them I was pregnant and didn't want anyone other than them to know. if you think someone would pass a hurtful comment then don't tell them.

I agree Op

I told people about my mc and then all sorts of people came out of the woodwork, saying that they also had had one, and being sympathetic. That helped me to reset my thinking to "it's really common, theres nothing I could have done" etc. Even if I knew that logically anyway, it was nice to talk to people who really understood, because they too had been through it.

Now these people were fine to talk to me in sympathy, but I think it would be helpful if it was more talked about generally. There is still a taboo. I also think some people don't tell before 12 wks, because "it is the done thing" and they haven't actually thought it through. Fine if they make a conscious decision not to share because they are private and wouldn't want to share the grief. But this is often not the case.

The vast majority of women wait until after 12 wks, it's a given.

it's really not. you cannot just decide something is a fact because you think it is. if you want to prove it then please go ahead but otherwise I will choose to disregard any claims in that respect as unfounded. please don't toss around your own assumptions as fact.

Mary I don't know why you're so insistent in arguing that most women wait until 12 weeks. Surely what this thread shows is that some do and some don't...

Thumbwitch I'm glad your experience of being open turned out so positive. Yours is the one post in the thread that has made me see that perhaps gently encouraging openness (sympathetically and to a close friend) can be a positive thing. Obviously done with sensitivity and immediate backing off and respecting their wishes if this wasn't what they wanted...

Crossposted and I see bouttime had a similar positive experience...

I agree that it's a totally individual decision. People should share the news however late or early on as they want to.

My daughter was stillborn when she was 9 days over due. Having other people grieving around me for the baby I lost is tough. I'm a very private person and I hate the fact that everyone knows my baby died.

I work in a high risk environment so had to tell my boss very early in my pregnancy. In the future obviously I would have to still tell work early but I would be very selective about who I told about my pregnancy before it became obvious.

Having been through a stillbirth I can say most people are crap at helping you deal with it. The honest answer is it is most peoples worst nightmare and I imagine miscarriage is the same, people don't want to talk about it. It makes it too real the prospect that not every pregnancy ends well.

That said a friend announced on Facebook that she was 10 weeks pregnant and I was very surprised

We chose not to tell anyone until about 15 weeks. This is not due to any taboo or social pressure, just because if we miscarried or needed to make a choice about termination we would want privacy and to deal with it ourselves.

I don't think people feel pressured not to tell people, I just think everyone's different.

LakeofDreams My heart-felt condolences

I didn't want anyone to know about my MCs. I'm glad that I didn't have "untell" many people, that would have made it all so much more painful

I had a mmc at 9 weeks and had only told dh's parents that I was pregnant. Unfortunately they had told a fair few people and consequently had to untell them. Which was distressing for them but I wasn't going to do it!
Anyway, this time around I didn't tell people until after the 20 week scan because I was worried and couldn't face having to tell people.
I think it's a personal choice: some women just don't feel comfortable with telling before 12 weeks. The statistics show that the chance of mc drops dramatically.

I thought the main reason not to tell all and sundry during the risky first trimester was a system to minimize the number of people in a position to make inane, useless, unhelpful, unsupportive comments if there is a miscarriage. Why set yourself up for that?

As someone who had a mc at 12 weeks, having to tell people that you are no longer pregnant is so horribly painful. In this pregnancy (I'm 21+4) I hardly told anyone until my scan at 12+3 because if the worst did happen again I didn't want to talk about my pain with lots of people.
I agree that people should be able to talk about miscarriage if they so wish but I also agree it's totally down to the choice of the individual

ok just done a quick count of the thread when post count was at 61 posts.

out of the 24 posters who have posted 4 didn't say whether they did or didn't wait til 12 weeks, 5 said they waited til 12 weeks and 15 said they told before 12 weeks. but this proves nothing other than what 24 specific women did. it bears no reflection on what the vast majority did/do.

I didn't tell people, because I didn't want to deal with other peoples grief and sympathy if I did have a miscarriage. It would be hard enough dealing with my own grief without having to take on board other peoples. My choice, everyone does whats best for them.

I told my parents when I was 5 weeks pregnant with my first pregnancy because we live in different countries and they happened to be visiting just after I found out I was expecting.
So, I then had to untell them a few weeks later.

I am NOW comfortable to speak about my MCs - at the time when I had had 4 before I had any happy pregnancy outcomes and was in my late 30s talking about it was sometimes impossible because of tears and always painful. So, I learnt. No telling until 2nd trimester.

And yes, I could not stand dealing with other people's kindness and expressions of sympathy: if anybody was nice to me, I dissolved. As long as we just carried on regardless, I functioned fine.

well, if you'd had as many MCs as me (7) you might feel differently about it. 'Un'telling people time after time after time? - no thanks.

My experience tells me I'd be bloody mad to shout from the rooftops about a pregnancy early on. When I was pg with DD (my only successful pregnancy) I told my mum, sister and best friend, all of whom knew our history and had been on this 'journey' with us. They were the only ones who I could bear to know.

I didn't mind other people knowing I'd had an MC, but I couldn't bear their sympathy.

So, as far as I'm concerned, YABU.

I think its a bit of a jump to assume that people who aren't big on sharing are that way because of stigma.

Lots of people who announce their pregnancies early are the same type of people who share the minutia of their lives on FB. Some people are much more sharey. I'm introverted, not afraid of stigma.

Blimey Dia, you are nothing if not determined. Impressive maths. If you wanna get into statistics however, this thread will have more than a certain amount of bias in it. But I wouldn't want to get petty

I am sad Dia because this thread was meant to be about how I felt, I feel that society judges those who choose to tell early, I felt judged but I would do it again next time. It was never about taking a choice away from anyone, it was about making both choices equally viable for women and how I didn't feel that they are unless you are a particularly strong person. Perhaps it is hard to have a debate about such an emotive subject within a forum.

It's something which I feel strongly needs to change and change won't happen if we all just get on with our lives quietly without discussing things and I'm pleased that this has got some interesting debate going.

There's some interesting links here (apologies for DM link)

www.stylist.co.uk/life/miscarriage

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2736074/Why-shatter-pregnancy-taboo-We-told-pregnancies-secret-12-weeks-But-just-means-no-one-shares-pain-goes-wrong.html Pregnancy taboo

I read this in the DM recently. Did you write it, OP?

Just seen you have linked. Why the apology for linking to the DM? People can see it is that paper, they don't have to click on it if they don't want too.

Pacific Dogwood's comments reminded me: in the old days, a pregnancy wasn't a firm thing until the baby 'quickened' and could be felt moving. Until that point, well, cycles can cease for many reasons that were a Mystery. Now we know we know that poor nutrition , illness or stress issues and any number of conditions related to hormones and ovulation can disrupt your cycle. But then, a late, but heavy, cycle was not always recognised as loss of pregnancy, might even have been seen as a return to health from whatever was delaying the cycle. A delayed cycle finally arriving was even a reason to be pleased in cases where the woman had been hoping not to be risking her life with another pregnancy and labor, not wanting another mouth to feed. Some of this is likely still true in places with less advanced care.

But it is all very different now, with most of us choosing when and how often to be pregnant, and knowing we are almost as soon as we are.