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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the 12 wk taboo needs to be broken?

118 replies

Marymaymay · 20/09/2014 15:28

I recently had a miscarriage at nearly 12 weeks. I had told work, friends and family that I was expecting. Partly because I had a 7 wk scan where the heart was beating but also because I was busting with excitement. Mainly though I told them because I knew that if I had a miscarriage that I would need their help and support.

I am a very open person and find having others to talk to really help me and it really has. I completely understand that many people are very private and would rather keep it to themselves and it should always be down to personal choice.

However, so many people seem so stunned that I had told them about it before 12 weeks. It seems that this is such a medicalised cultural thing to do and makes miscarriage so much more taboo than it needs to be. Miscarriages are a fact of life for many women, the more we discuss it, the easier it becomes for those who go through it.

What do others think about it?

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 20/09/2014 16:05

Me and DH had scans at 7, 10 and 12 weeks but we still didn't tell people until I was 14 weeks pregnant.

We wanted to wait until our combined NT tests came back before making any big announcement.

We didn't want to be in a horrible position of perhaps having to make a difficult decision regarding termination without having to deal with and listen to the opinions of others.

We wanted to make sure that everything was ok before making a big announcement.

It's a very personal choice and there is no right it wrong answer. People should just do it whenever feels right for them.

Random1999 · 20/09/2014 16:06

Im 15 weeks and told my partners family as soon as i found out, not bothered about announcing on fb or telling everyone for a different reason (guess my age guys?;) theres alot of judgemental fucks out there) but I believe id rather have everyone im pretty close to know about the pregnancy then miscarry with support than miscarry on my own but its a very personal choice...

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 20/09/2014 16:06

I don't think it's a taboo about women's things / miscarriages etc, these aren't anything like as hidden away as other gynae problems are (prolapses etc).

I think it's the fact that if an early miscarriage occurs a lot of people would rather deal with the mental and physical effects privately and to them it would seem worse if they had been happily spreading the word about the pregnancy, more of a superstition really. I had three pre 12 week mcs and was glad I hadn't told the whole world. Everyone I did tell about the mcs was without exception kind and supportive but I didn't want my entire workplace knowing. For health and safety reasons my immediate colleagues knew I was pregnant as soon as I did (more or less), no problem with that but no need for the whole world to know.

yellowdinosauragain · 20/09/2014 16:07

Maybe we are arguing the same points. We certainly seem to be similar in how we viewed early pregnancy announcements and the need to be open.

I think where I am getting it from is that you've titled your post 'to think the 12 week taboo needs to be broken' and talked about how helpful it was to you to be open in your op, which was all about advocating openness to break down the taboo surrounding miscarriage. Your later posts acknowledge that some people will respond differently (and I cross posted with lots with my second post) but this is why I responded as I did.

Thumbwitch · 20/09/2014 16:08

I kind of agree with you.

I had 3 MCs between DS1 and DS2. The first one, I didn't want to tell anyone at all but had to tell MIL just because they kept me in hospital overnight so they could do a scan the next day (I'd gone in on a Sunday) and DH had had to take Ds1 home, so I was feeling very sorry for myself and I knew MIL was at work in the same hospital so called and told her. Wished I hadn't later as she felt the need to impart the news to all her family, who then all quizzed me on it.

No. 2 - I was in a ladies' swim club, and was getting more out of breath while swimming because of being pg, so I mentioned it quietly to the coach so he wouldn't be hard on me - he then told ALL the other ladies in announcement style. So when I lost this one a couple of weeks later, I had to tell people I barely knew - but also had a few friends in that swim club and one of them said to me "Why are you worried about telling people? There's no shame in it, it's not your fault, you could do with the sympathy and support".
And I thought - yeah, you're absolutely right. Why was I worried that people knew? And you know what? I didn't have an answer for myself. It was just "the done thing" not to talk about a pg until you got past 12w, just in case.

So I stopped worrying about it after that, and told people when I knew I was pg, and then when I lost no.3 there was a lot of kindness - and an awful lot of joy when I finally got my "sticky" (DS2).

Original poster

Marymaymay · 20/09/2014 16:09

Dia, I can only talk from my own experiences. The vast majority of people don't reveal their pregnancies until after 12 weeks. Many of those don't want to, that's their personal choice. But some of those may want to and lack the confidence to do so because there is a cultural rule that states that you do not talk about it as you might miscarry. This is really sad. Therefore, the more people who feel able to talk about miscarriage and de stigmatise it the better, surely? I wouldn't ask anyone who didn't want to talk about it to talk about it! Honest!

OP posts:

LadyLuck10 · 20/09/2014 16:10

So how do you propose people change cultural beliefs op?

Original poster

Marymaymay · 20/09/2014 16:12

Yellow, in my first post I said it should always be down to personal choice. The whole thing about breaking down a taboo is to offer people choice, not to force people to think one way or another.

Who Knows - why shouldn't the whole world know? If you wanted them to? The choice should be yours....

OP posts:

DiaDuit · 20/09/2014 16:15

The vast majority of people don't reveal their pregnancies until after 12 weeks

how on earth could you know that?

Therefore, the more people who feel able to talk about miscarriage and de stigmatise it the better, surely?

so talk about it. some people will always think you shouldn't, some people will support you and some wont care what you do. because humans aren't one mind- so you do what YOU want to do and other people will think what they want and do what they want. if you want it talked about then talk about it. no objection from me on that score.

Original poster

Marymaymay · 20/09/2014 16:16

Lady Luck, 50 years ago people would have looked surprised and shocked at me and my husband with our mixed race child. Sometimes people who are surprised or shocked need to consider whether they are holding beliefs and values which are unkindly judgemental of others....

OP posts:

yellowdinosauragain · 20/09/2014 16:17

I don't think anyone who genuinely wanted to announce their pregnancy before 12 weeks would be put off because of some perceived taboo that it is not the done thing. I do think there is sometimes disagreement between couples as to when the right time is but that isn't going to be influenced by this.

Thumbwitch's experience is a positive story about how openness made her feel stronger and more able to be get support. But in all honestly I think many people in her situation who had had personal information about them shared, not once but twice, without their consent would have reacted in the opposite way and told no one the 3rd time! Not because of a taboo but because of anger at the fact that private information about them had been shared without their consent. I could well be wrong and maybe there is something to be said for gently encouraging people to talk about miscarriage now openly but this should really be their choice.

Original poster

Marymaymay · 20/09/2014 16:18

Erm, cos it's true Dia!

And I am talking about it, hence the thread....

OP posts:

Strokethefurrywall · 20/09/2014 16:18

I agree with you OP - it's not about saying people should tell people before 12 weeks, its more getting rid of those comments of "well she told people so early" if something did go wrong after the couple had shared the news. As if sharing the news of a pregnancy before 12 weeks is some kind of jinx for it to go wrong!!

We told our families as soon as we got the positive test as we wanted to share that joy (live overseas). We told our close friends at the same time. I had to tell my bosses at 6 weeks because I vomited on one of their shoes.

Second pregnancy we told everyone straight off again but didn't put anything on fbk for either until photos were fairly obvious.

But even my mum said "you young kids tell people about your pregnancy so early!" - I responded that we only told the people who's support we would have wanted should the pregnancy not have continued.

There shouldn't be a taboo in people sharing joyous news whenever they want to share it. 12 weeks is no guarantee of anything.

yellowdinosauragain · 20/09/2014 16:19

some people will always think you shouldn't, some people will support you and some wont care what you do. because humans aren't one mind- so you do what YOU want to do and other people will think what they want and do what they want. if you want it talked about then talk about it. no objection from me on that score.

This. Some people will disagree no matter what you do. So do what works for you

DiaDuit · 20/09/2014 16:20

why shouldn't the whole world know? If you wanted them to? The choice should be yours

the choice is yours OP. this choice exists. there is absolutely nothing stopping anyone telling the world the minute they get the BFP. nothing. this choice is not being withheld from anyone. tell whoever you want whenever you want. you cant truly expect a worldwide consensus on whether you are right or wrong, can you? people don't work that way. there will always be someone who disagrees with you somewhere- you cant force them to change their minds because it would make you feel better. better to just do what you want to do regardless of who thinks what, surely?

MotherOfInsomniacToddlers · 20/09/2014 16:21

I've always worked on the basis that I tell people who if I had a miscarriage I would want to support me. Think I told about 15 people before my scan with dc3. So it was generally a secret but not fully

yellowdinosauragain · 20/09/2014 16:22

Cross posted again...

Yellow, in my first post I said it should always be down to personal choice. The whole thing about breaking down a taboo is to offer people choice, not to force people to think one way or another.

I'm not sure why you think people don't have choice? They do. There will always be people who disagree with your choices, in all areas of life. Because we're all different. People disagreeing with the choice you make doesn't mean the choice doesn't exist.

PacificDogwood · 20/09/2014 16:22

Yes, I kinda agree that there is no culture taboo wrt to going public about a pregnancy earlier. Surprise, maybe, but taboo? I think that's too strong.

DiaDuit · 20/09/2014 16:23

Erm, cos it's true Dia!

again, how could you know this? you might assume due to your own experiences or that of family and friends but unless you have a source that shows the study that took place (although I don't remember being asked) then you cant know that at all. you have no idea what other women do aside from those you know very well personally. and even then- my own mum doesn't know who I told and when.

LadyLuck10 · 20/09/2014 16:25

Good for you that you chose to talk very openly about it, at the same time for whatever reason someone else doesn't then that's their choice. It doesn't make you any more right or them wrong. There shouldn't be a 'need' for anyone to do anything.

Original poster

Marymaymay · 20/09/2014 16:25

Dia I don't get it! That's not what I'm talking about and I'm really sad that this thread has gone this way....

I'm talking about de stigmatising miscarriage and giving people a choice. It's a perception that I had following my miscarriage. I don't want the whole world to agree with me on anything. I'm sorry that you see it that way.

Maybe I'll just go chat to some mates about it instead!

OP posts:

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 20/09/2014 16:25

Mary - no need for the whole world to know about MY pregnancies / mcs, I wasn't talking about anyone else's, that was my choice. I told quite a few people (family, selected colleagues, close friends) before 12 weeks each time and never had any raised eyebrows or criticism. I have also never heard of it happening to anyone else.

I had no idea that anyone felt obliged to keep pregnancies concealed till 12 weeks because of taboos / societal norms, I really did think it was a totally free choice and that it is more down to supersitition / privacy. I honestly don't think miscarriages are a taboo subject, it's just that some people prefer a degree of privacy when grieving.

Original poster

Marymaymay · 20/09/2014 16:26

The choice does exist yellow. But the choice is hard for some and that is sad.

Tis all.

OP posts:

LadyLuck10 · 20/09/2014 16:28

And I'm not sure why you are equating choice to stigma. What does Choosing not to tell anyone in case you need to make a difficult decision privately have to do with stigma??

DiaDuit · 20/09/2014 16:28

I'm not exactly sure what you are sad about in relation to this thread but I haven't intended to upset anyone. perhaps a miscommunication or I'm expressing myself badly but no hurt intended.

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