To think the 12 wk taboo needs to be broken?

[Marymaymay]

I recently had a miscarriage at nearly 12 weeks. I had told work, friends and family that I was expecting. Partly because I had a 7 wk scan where the heart was beating but also because I was busting with excitement. Mainly though I told them because I knew that if I had a miscarriage that I would need their help and support.

I am a very open person and find having others to talk to really help me and it really has. I completely understand that many people are very private and would rather keep it to themselves and it should always be down to personal choice.

However, so many people seem so stunned that I had told them about it before 12 weeks. It seems that this is such a medicalised cultural thing to do and makes miscarriage so much more taboo than it needs to be. Miscarriages are a fact of life for many women, the more we discuss it, the easier it becomes for those who go through it.

What do others think about it?

River, I'm really sorry for your losses. This is why I said it is about personal choice and making telling early as much an option as not.

Mr Sheen, I'm sorry you choose to judge so harshly. I've never been on Facebook in my life! I was presuming that some people would feel the same way as me, that there was a stigma. If not, that's fine.

Just in support of the OP. The NHS website says "Many women wait until they have had their first ultrasound scan when they're around 12 weeks pregnant before they tell people." and in relation to Kate Middleton, the BBC reported "For a second time, William and Kate have been forced to announce a pregnancy before the duchess passed the significant 12-week milestone."

So there is certainly an indication from various sources that people generally wait until 12 weeks. Personally, I always felt a bit presumptuous telling people before that, though I needed to for various reasons with DC2 and 4 but it did feel a bit jinxy. I would need to have a think about why but I know part of our reasoning was about if we were to lose the baby it would have seemed worse if we had told people already.

I told close friends for the reason that if I lost the baby I would want them to know that too. I was hesitant to tell my mum or MIL because they would tell everyone they knew and I wanted to manage who knew and who didn't. I also couldn't hide the fact I was no longer drinking or smoking. My friend recently had a MC and was very upset at receiving messages on Facebook because MIL had told the wider family. I do think that announcing scan pics before the blood test results is awkward-a mc is bad enough but having to explain your decision to terminate is even worse if you receive bad news.

I don't think it's got anything at all to do with stigma, taboo, cultural norms, whatever. Some people love to talk and share every little detail of their private lives. Others prefer not to. Neither is right or wrong. They do what is best for them.

I apologise for the DM link as it is a hideous paper!

Why link at all then?

I felt judged but I would do it again next time. so you know you do have the choice! which is what I have been saying. like I and others have said- there will always be people who judge you- whether that be for what you wear, what you work as, where you shop, or when you tell about your pregnancy. you cannot expect the whole world to agree with you that telling before 12 weeks is the right thing no matter how much you believe you are right. people will always judge- you do yourself more harm by taking those opinions on board and fretting over doing something you want to do than by just doing it and sod the judgers. just because they judge doesn't mean you cant do it and doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. the choice is yours.

I tell people as soon as I know! It is fantastic news to share and news that I know would be met with sadness but kindness and support if a MC occurred. I announced at nearly 4 weeks whereas a colleague was 3 weeks ahead and hadn't announced it! It is personal choice but I know of nobody who fell pregnant, kept it a secret, had a MC and STILL nobody knew either! Everyone I know who was pregnant and had a miscarriage ended up telling people anyways and would have got the same reaction had they told people they were pregnant in the first place. A colleague kept her pregnancy secret and MC at 10 weeks. Everyone then found out. She said she didn't tell people in case of a MC but when she fell pregnant again, she told everyone early on as she felt that 'it was pointless keeping it a secret because of a MC because if it happened, everyone finds out' - as in her experience.
I do think there is a taboo about telling people before 12 weeks - i certainly had some raised eyebrows and met with 'Oh, you're taking a chance and a bit premature isn't it?'!!!! I am certainly not going to raise my eyebrows at anyone for not telling until they had their scan to confirm a healthy pregnancy so why should I, and others be met with such stunnednes because we do announce before the 12-weeks? It just needs to be accepted that announcing at 4 weeks is fine and no different to announcing at 12 weeks.
And as it is, I have 3 colleagues and 1 acquaintance who have all lost babies beyond 17 weeks - 2 of them full term. MC happens; people need to accept it.

Because it was an interesting article Fab.

Crap paper.

Interesting article.

I know of nobody who fell pregnant, kept it a secret, had a MC and STILL nobody knew either!

Of course you don't. They have chosen to keep it quiet!

I think it's just up to you. The condition of your uterus is nobody's business but your own, unless you want it to be, and the 12 week convention means nobody can be all "Oh I can't believe you never told me!" about it. While you might be happy to tell all and sundry HAPPY news, you might wish to keep sad news to yourself, and most miscarriages happen in the first 12 weeks. So it's up to you.

I have never felt a taboo about miscarriage, but I am a little thick-skinned about that sort of thing, and have never hidden the fact that I had a very early miscarriage before conceiving dd2. I don't have much patience for the hushed tones and pointed "discretion" surrounding something that happens to 20% of known pregnancies and God knows how many of all pregnancies. How many times have we had a late and oddly heavy period?

So YABNU.

Dia, I get it. I'm not daft. I have a choice. I don't feel comfortable with it because of others attitudes. I think those attitudes need to change, just as attitudes have changed on other important things such as racism, single parents, drinking and driving etc.

Junk, that's, Donnie - really good to know that there are others who feel the same. Donnie, really interesting about the Duchess of Cambridge,mots exactly what I am talking about. So much of the language that is used here about people who tell before 12 weeks is so negative telling 'all and sundry' and 'the same people who reveal the minutiae of their life on Facebook'. It's so judgemental! I would never, ever judge anyone about whether they chose to tell before 12 wks or after, so why do I feel so judged?

everyone didn't find out about my MCs because I didn't tell them, and those I did tell knew it was my business and didn't shoot their mouths off to all and sundry. Plenty of people I knew/worked with over the years will still have no idea I had loads of MCs.

oh and your comment 'MC happens; people need to accept it.' - don't tell me what I need to accept. Wait till you've walked in my shoes, why don't you? Jesus.

So why do I feel so judged.

Maybe that's something you need to work on. It's certainly not how I feel. You're confusing what people make as a private choice with a stigma. They are entirely separate.

Lady Luck. I don't feel I need to work on it. I feel that society has a way to go with destigmatising illness, death and as it is presently so pertinent to me, towards miscarriage. I'm fine that you don't feel the same. I'm sad that you feel you have to call me out something that is subjective and personal to me but that's your call.

Well then why do you feel you have to call people out on their decision not to talk about it thereby implying that's it's them who is judging you. Not talking about it does not mean the same as it being a taboo. It's been explained many times on here the reasons why people choose to not talk about it, dealing with a potential difficult decision privately, getting upsetting responses when a mc does occur, etc. And nothing to do with it being taboo.

Actually when I had a miscarriage at 15 weeks I wished I HADN'T told work. I'd rather have been off sick with just my boss knowing why but as the 13 week scan was fine I'd told everyone in excitement.

I think it's very personal when people feel ready to tell.

But I do know what you mean OP. I'm 6 weeks and have only told dm and mil. Both told me don't tell anyone or get too excited until after 12 weeks. It's made me quite anxious and flat. It's my first pg after ttc for over a year. I'm almost now expecting something to go wrong.

I'm sorry for your loss and your average person is completely incapable of supporting a woman who has had a miscarriage. It is a level of pain that most people run from and have no idea what to say or do. Screw them and the taboo, you keep talking about the baby you lost and accept the support of the few brave people who will be able to really meet your emotional needs.

LakeOfDreams I'm so very sorry.

I'm sorry for your loss, Mary. I had a miscarriage too. I'm a private person and wouldn't have told anybody anything at all before 12 weeks.

The fact is, you CAN do that if you so choose. You can tell them as soon as you POAS if you like. What you do is totally up to you. Your only limitation is how important it is to you to exercise your right to disclose. That's all you have control of. You have no control of other people's thoughts or faces. You need to realise that and accept it because you can't change it.

I told family earlier than 12 weeks, everybody else no. My choice.

Your OP does sound a little bit as though you would like women to start talking about it more and that's where you lose me and I suspect, others. I'm not going to talk about what I don't want to talk about to make it possible for you to talk about what you've always had the ability to talk about... if that makes any sense.

I do think you ought to feel free to tell people whenever you like.

I was so poorly with morning sickness if I hadn't told people before 12 weeks I wouldn't have been able to see anyone!

It's a very strange thing really when you think about it, but there does seem to be this pressure to keep an early miscarriage a secret. I can't understand why. Had I lost my DS before 12 weeks I would still have been heartbroken. In my mind he was my much loved child as soon as I knew I was pregnant. How weird it would have been to walk around with very little acknowledgement of that hypothetical loss.

Society can be pretty weird when you really think about it.

I had a missed miscarriage identified at the twelve week scan. I was fairly open about it with friends and was surprised how many had also MCed at some point. It would be good to feel we could be more open about it.

And then you get threads about people not telling you horror stories...

Women do talk about miscarriage. But generally to one another as support. But I don't feel the need to introduce the topic randomly. My mum knew I was pg about 30 minutes after us every time I think because she was a huge source of support.

I just don't see the stigma and I can see the logic in waiting until you've seen a baby on the scan and can believe it yoursef.

Isn't there a 1:3 chance of loosing a pregnancy in the first trimester hence why people wait. To me there's nothing worse than telling everyone then having to deal with other peoples sad faces when I then have to tell them what happened. It's a very personal choice.