To think the 12 wk taboo needs to be broken?

[Marymaymay]

I recently had a miscarriage at nearly 12 weeks. I had told work, friends and family that I was expecting. Partly because I had a 7 wk scan where the heart was beating but also because I was busting with excitement. Mainly though I told them because I knew that if I had a miscarriage that I would need their help and support.

I am a very open person and find having others to talk to really help me and it really has. I completely understand that many people are very private and would rather keep it to themselves and it should always be down to personal choice.

However, so many people seem so stunned that I had told them about it before 12 weeks. It seems that this is such a medicalised cultural thing to do and makes miscarriage so much more taboo than it needs to be. Miscarriages are a fact of life for many women, the more we discuss it, the easier it becomes for those who go through it.

What do others think about it?

I told the whole world when we got the pee stick back. Which was at about 4-5 weeks in. Then at 7 weeks I posted the scan on FB. I was too excited to keep it a secret.

But I disagree with breaking taboo. Hear me out.

The only way to break taboo is to talk about it. Women shouldn't be pressured to talk about their miscarriages if they don't want to. If they want to that's fine and their feelings should be considered. They should never be discouraged from talking about it.

But when a woman talks about a miscarriage she's not doing it for a political movement to make miscarriages less controversial, she's talking about it as to how it relates to her and how it makes her feel.

Mr Sheen, I'm sorry you choose to judge so harshly

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What exactly have I judged, harshly or otherwise?

I didn't tell anyone except those I had to before 12 weeks, because of the Mc issue. Actually I kept it pretty quiet until 16 weeks, as I didn't want to be judged if an abnormality came up, I wanted us to make any decisions on private.
I did hear one foolish couple going on at a scan how "people didn't have miscarriages nowadays", and just thought they could be in for a shock.

I only had one mc, but I wasn't devastated, and would have found it harder to have been "offered support" than for no one else to know. I don't think anyone outside DH, I and the doctors knew, even though it started when we were visiting relatives.

I have known several people who have had mcs, your response is personal, and whether you need "support" is also an individual thing.
Anyone who doesn't know someone who has had one is very sheltered or something.

You can choose to tell people OP. Other people can choose not to tell anyone or only very close trusted family/friends. Some people may want to wait for the 12 week scan or the nuchal test results. I'm not sure there's the issue you seem to be suggesting.

I don't understand why you chose such judgemental people to support you through your miscarriage. I didn't tell anyone until 12 weeks, but if I was going to, it wouldn't be the kind of person who would jude, and if they did I would reconsider our friendship rather than believe that it was a more generalised opinion. I don't know anyone who has felt judged for telling earlier, or at least anyone who has expresse such a concern to me.

I think you are extrapolating a societal pressure that simply isn't as big a problem for most people as it has been for you. The posts on this thread suggest that most of those people who choose not to tell are doing it for personal reasons rather than because they were worried they would be judged. It seems that you are in the minority with you experiences which is surely something to be glad about.

Sorry have not had a chance to read the whole thread but we only told our parents until 12 weeks because if we had been unfortunate enough to miscarry then I wouldn't want to tell anyone else. Nothing to do with anything wrong with it but we are very private people and do not like to share our problems (whatever they are) with many people at all.

If I had had a miscarriage I would have wanted to pick who to share it with as I would feel it was intensely personal and I would not want to discuss with people outside my very inner core.

I don't know anyone who has felt judged for telling earlier, or at least anyone who has expresse such a concern to me.

Yes, everyone I told was nothing but excited. I didn't get any remarks about telling so early. Everyone was excited with each scan and update.

The thought of a miscarriage never really crossed anyone's minds, but if I had had one, I would have appreciated the support instead of having to deal with it alone.

Reading this post with interest. I've had 2 mc's in 3 months. One at 5 weeks and another 4 wks ago at 9 wks.

I was very open about being pg - more through excitement than anything else - plus naively I thought it wouldn't happen to me ( that ship has well and truly sailed - twice!)

But in my head I thought well actually if the worst did happen then these were people I'd need support from. And I was absolutely right. My family, friends and colleagues were truly wonderful.

I had so many messages from people telling me about their mc experiences and so many of those said "they never spoke about their mc's as it wasn't what you did "

Well sod that - I'm not interested in other people feeling uncomfortable. I'm someone who talks and needs to share. Mc is a lonely isolating experience and I found the support I received incredible.

That said when I hopefully get a 3rd BFP I will be quieter this time - more because I want to stay guarded and almost prepare myself for the worse. I will tell some - incl my team at work because yet again I'd need their support.

I completely appreciate though that mc is so personal and there is no right it wrong way to deal with it. But I will never regret being so open as it was right for me.

When I had my mmc I only knew one other person who had suffered one. It was such a relief going to her and being able to talk about what was happening. In the weeks after that, I spoke to a lot of people about what I had been to and found that so many of my friends had been through similar experiences. In the main they had kept quiet and got through it with just support from Their DH and close family. About a year later, a friend came to me, going through a cm asking for support. She didn't know who to talk to who would understand.

I always talk to people about my mc, if I can help one more person through the trauma that I went through it is worth talking about it.

I know talking isn't for everyone though and some people prefer to keep their emotions to themselves.

I've shared my pregnancies on a need to know basis before 12 weeks. Because of the sledgehammer effects on the first trimester and the fact I'm in maternity clothes before 12 weeks, it's a bit obvious for people I see anyway.

I found the extra two weeks of knowing about Dc2 than Dc1 hard for secrecy. People do know much sooner than before there were pregnancy tests and ovulation kits rather than relying on missed periods and symptoms.

I told DM about Ds1's pregnancy when I feared I was having a Mc, so my reaction at that point was to share for comfort. I'm sure that if I was in a position of having a Mc and shared that news, I'd find out about friends who had quietly been through it.

Dh and I only told people after twelve weeks with ds, mainly because our parents would be the first people to know and my mother had several miscarriages and so I thought she'd rather know after that point. I guess I thought it was the done thing but didn't find it hard, it was nice to just share with dh (oh and our neighbours who came round just after we POAS so saw us when we were feeling quite high).

When we found out about dd we were staying at my parents and I was quite sick so dh told my mother. Much to my surprise she then told the rest of the family. We decided against having more children shortly after dd was born, but if we had I would have been inclined not to say anything until after scans and tests because some of my family would have been very very upset if we had decided to terminate.

With friends and younger members of the family they seem to tell way earlier, perhaps becasue tests are so early now? That also increases the number of known miscarriages, so I'd be surprised if anyone didn't know that there are significant risks with any pregnancy.

I too recently had a miscarriage at 12 weeks after having a scan at 8 weeks where all seemed fine. We had told out immediate families only as many of them were visiting or we visited them around the 11 week mark. As we had had the scan at 8 weeks and we're assured that after an early scan 95% of pregnancies are fine we went ahead and told close family. Sadly at 12 week scan there was no heartbeat and I had a d&c at 12 weeks 4 days. I don't regret telling our families, some have been amazing giving us support since the miscarriage and others beyond unsupportive. I don't think it would have made a difference had we told them or not before the 12 week scan. I agree that miscarriage seems to be a bit of a taboo subject. I don't understand why... After all it's a baby who sadly died and people should be more open to taking about it. That's just my opinion. However I am aware that unless you experience it yourself it's hard to understand it x

I tend to agree with this "magic 12 week" thing. Whilst I didn't necessarily "shout it from rooftops" etc, I did tell my mother because she was planning a trip over here (she lives in Oz) when I found out I was expecting my 2nd, and I wanted her to hold off booking because she wanted to be here for the birth and to help out instead. Because it was so early, she wasn't wanting to "accept" I was pregnant till it was confirmed by a doctor and I'd had a scan etc. I said, fine mum, but I am pregnant, and a scan is no guarantee of a viable pregnancy, just bear it in mind please!

The people I did tell I had no reason not to - they were the very people I would have wanted to lean on for support if something went wrong.

With my 1st I didn't tell everyone because I was still working so I'd hate to be in a situation where randoms would come up and say "how's the bump doing" when it was no longer...but I still told my parents when they were over around the 8 week mark, because they happened to be here and it was nice to tell them in person.

So yes, the waiting till the scan thing may well rule out a missed miscarriage and all that but it is not some magic trigger that means everything will be fine, let the pregnancy fun begin, necessarily. Sadly!

My MIL (who has never had a m/c) always makes negative comments if anyone announces their pg before 12 weeks. The implication is that they are daft to, because they might m/c... The implication of which is that if they m/c no-one should know. We told her about our first pg at 5 weeks, and then had a m/c. She was utterly shit and unsupportive. Needless to say we never announced a pg to her before 12 weeks again. However, having to go back to work after a week off sick and face all the 'Are you feeling betters?' Was simply dreadful no. I was not feeling better, my baby died. Yet I couldn't talk about it. No one rang me to see if I was ok, because no-one knew. It was so so isolating and tbh fucking awful. After that, I told all friends I would want to support me nice and early on in case I m/c. Work was harder, as I didn't want my bosses to know my family plans.

For me, it wasn't taboo, more superstition.

I wanted the 12 week scan before I announced, until then I couldn't believe it was real, and everything was fine. Didn't want to risk telling everyone I was having a baby, only to find out I wasn't.

Miscarriage in the first 12 weeks is very common, unfortunately. Past that and the risk drops immensely.

I have to admit, when people are all excited and announce before 12 weeks, my heart drops and I do think oh god I hope everything's ok for you and you make it to 12 weeks, even as I'm smiling and congratulating. My issue, I know. I

See, you sound exactly like my MIL. Why did you tell people you were having a baby when you weren't? Er, gee, maybe because I WAS and am absolutely devastated not to be any more. I really hope you do a better job of hiding your completely inappropriate 'heart dropping'.

We waited until around 14w to tell friends and family wanted to wait for all test results to come back. All looked great but had MMC when scanned at 17 weeks.

We had told our dd who was super excited only 2 weeks before hardest job of my life was telling her.

Currently about 8 weeks and won't be telling a soul for as long as possible.

It's certainly down to personal choice,

Having to tell people you've lost the baby and breaking their hearts too was the worst part IME. So we kept it quiet.