To be incredibly pissed off at male sperm donors..

[LexiVexiBear]

Who only offer their 'services' if it's through natural insemination (I.e having sex with the woman) or the woman performing a sex act on them!

I more than likely am but just need a rant! A dear friend of mine and her girlfriend have decided that they would like nothing more than to start a family but since they cannot afford IVF they have went down the route of sperm donation and artificial insemination. The thing is most of the 'donors' they have found that are in the same location (or close) and contacted more or less demand NI which really isn't an option for these two ladies!

I'm sorry I know people have preference and some women pick NI, nothing wrong with that as it can be more affective that artificial insemination but honestly in my opinion these men are completely sleazy and are preying on desperate women for sex! They claim to be offering their services because they want to help and make a difference yet they only want sex?!

Yes, there are numerous sperm donors but unless the women picks NI I don't think men like this should be allowed to take advantage of women or couples who are desperate for a baby!

Absolutely wading and I certainly can't argue with that. Reluctantly though - if they are offering it and if women are prepared to "use it" - well I think that's unwise, I think that it is foolish (although I do have some sympathy - desperation does ugly things to good people as I know myself!) but they do have the right to do it.

What I object to strongly is the consensus by a vocal minority on here that gasps in shock and outrage that a woman has sex for a child and should she wish to do this should effectively prostitute herself but for semen rather than cash at her local bar.

I find that grossly insulting as one who made what I will admit now was an unwise decision - nonetheless I have never in my life walked into a bar in search of sex and it is quite distressing to be told that you should "just" do that.

There is a story in this weeks Take a Break magazine about this. A woman was single and decided to go the route of sperm donor. She ended up sort of giving in but felt abused and reported it. She did go to the police and it was taken seriously.

Sounds like it could be a financially astute approach to go down the insemination outside the clinic route - the thousands of pounds could be invested in the child rather than lining the pockets of a clinic.
I completely understand why some women would prefer NI to AI, but I do not believe these sites should allow men to offer 'NI only'. They are either altruistically donating sperm or they are looking for hookups - the two sites should be clearly separate IMO.
(I'm male BTW)

is anyone surprised some men try this on?? I dont see the big deal. Noone haS to choose those men, theyre just offering to have unprotected sex with you if you want child, which is obviously better than duping a guy in a pub

You lot must frequent different pubs to me!

I don't think lesbians should be sterilised at all-in fact even IF-AND that's a big if- the government announced such a thing tomorrow I would be wholly opposed to it. But...

Well I think it's just wrong to deliberately from the start deny a child a parent of each sex-WHATEVER the sexuality of the parent.

You know if a lesbian wants to have a child with a man and that man being a father to that child as a part of its life, I, for one, have no issue at all with this.

In any case, the unofficial sperm donation thing is probably the worst route of all because the man may change his mind and be the child's father and all sorts of legal messes could ensue

It's probably best to have a ONS or do it all above board via a clinic.

You say it as if it is so straightforward - find a man who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but does want you to have and help raise, his child.

It happens, but it is by no means straightforward and is reliant on you (or your partner) knowing a man who wishes to partake in such a scheme - if you do not (and in fact even if you do) it is fraught with legal difficulties.

In my case, my child wouldn't have been denied the right to know his father - that was the point of my choosing not to use a clinic.

But, the upbringing, custody, legalities and finances would have been down to me.

as someone who has felt the pressure of going to a clinic for the sake of it being the 'up route' I thought I'd offer my two cents.

juditz so because you disagree with something like this it's automatically bs and wrong even though so many other women on here seem to have been through it or experienced it? i see nothing in op's orginal post that states her friends were willing to pay 500 for sex, that was in fact another poster, op stated that some men would only offer their......ahem man juice IF it could be done by NI which yes actually does exist if you looked at some of the 'donor' ads on such sites. How do you justify telling someone they are not ready for a child because they are not willing to pay 1000 a go for possibly numerous rounds of IUI that isn't guarnteed to work when their is a 'back door' that these people can use?

velvet you seem to be the voice of reason and I completely agree with everything you've said! Why should sone be forced to go to a clinic or complicate things by asking a male/gay friend to donate? I for one did not have such a luxury and found that saving money by not going and paying out 1000 each time would save me a good few pennies for when I actually DID conceive.

The fact and notion of a child actually being so wanted by someone seems to be over looked by the fact that because single women and gay couples are some how not financially stable if they are not willing to pay for something that can be given for free?! Maybe such money could go to better uses such as saving for said wanted child? and that denying a child a parent is a load of uncover homophobic horse crock IMHO! Because you're getting into gender roles and the perfect Nuclear family that society pushes on us when all a child needs is a warm bed, a roof over their head, clothes on their backs, food in their tummies and most importantly to be loved! yet somehow that is not enough in terms of single women and gays because God forbid a man Isn't involved

Juditz "And, no, not homophobia because I think straight single women who do this are awful, too."

If people like you think the absence of a father is so dreadful, why aren't you out there campaigning for the children of women whose partners abandon them and don't bother to keep seeing the child, or the children of widows, to be taken into care. You're not, are you? Which rather makes me think your stance is indeed a mixture of homophobia and nasty judgemental moralising.

Bah, Lurcio, I was about to say that but less eloquently

I don't know ... It's not really something I could get worked up over.

They aren't forcing people to do it. Women don't have to have sex with them.

Surely by going down this route you're leaving yourself and the male open to lots of legal errors.

Pay money to be fucked by someone I don't want to fuck....and I may not even get pregnant!

Fuck me!

(Well no, don't)

I was an au pair as a teenager and the two children I looked after were both from sperm donors (same donor, so full brother and sister)

The mum was lovely but it was quite sad that these children were denied ever knowing their own father.

If she was a widow then they would still know who their father was, his name, what he was like etc

Sure, but being a widow is rarely a free choice...

!!!

You get that if she hadn't used a sperm donor, those lovely children wouldn't have existed, right?

too true on the legal matters issue sailor but I think op is angry because while these women do indeed have choice its the fact that some men would actually become a 'donor' and only offer their little swimmersthrough NI because they only want sex and not to actually 'help' anyone. which I find very disgusting since some women going down this route might see it as the only option if AI has failed them enough times

Sigh.

And so they will if they are donor conceived in the uk.

This is where homophobia lives for anybody who is interested. It lives in earnest hand wringing about 'poor children who never know their father.'

Do your research. Children conceived from same sex relationships or single women who seek a sperm donor have better outcomes than those in 'nuclear family' setups. Not the same. Better. Why - hazard a guess that these women wanted a child. Really wanted one.

I loved my father. I'm not slating them - far from it. I am saying that families can be very different from one another and also very happy.

Do I doubt individual children don't feel a sense of loss, questioning, confused-ness (not a word, I know: stay with me.) absolutely not. I daresay they do. But what many miss is that most people go through some sort of emotional wobble on the journey to adulthood. Skilled parenting goes a long way towards managing this.

I know at least three children born into conventional setups who never see their dad - I think save yor pity people. We lesbians are quite capable of raising and loving children and they don't need or want clucking over!

Again, there women who have got pregnant accidentally following a ONS and lost touch with the father - unless you're saying women in that situation are morally obliged to have an abortion, you're being inconsistent.

Asabovesobelow got it right when she said it's the fetishisation of the nuclear family. Families come in all shapes and sizes, there are nuclear families that are a nightmare, there are single parent ones, lesbian and gay ones, extended families which are very happy.

While I'm on my soapbox, many of those in the opposing camp - anti gay women having children (which is effectively what you are when you're against us using donated sperm) is that most of the complaints against it pre date 2005. After 2005 babies have the right to trace their biological parent aged 18 or over.

Since these children are now 9 at the oldest it is unclear whether or not this move has helped soothe some of the 'fears' about using donated sperm.

But legally when you are in a same sex relationship the children born from it - through whatever method - are the women's children. End of.

So as I say go ahead and feel sorry for the children raised in loving families - I think most will probably be bemused by it but if it placates Middle England and it isn't that we have anything against 'her sort' having a relationship but won't somebody please think of the children ...

Most lesbians do. That's why they have them.

If they start looking for a free sperm donor they are going to encounter freaks and weirdos. Men who do it either through altruism or even cash will do it through a reputable clinic.

What did they expect to happen? A random man just offering to father their child?

A round of IUI costs £1167.00. If their future child means so little to them that they're not prepared to pay that to ensure they're protected then they have no place having children.

I mean, honestly, this is creating a human life, not buying a handbag.

Dad on the bike, is that how you see this? That every man should be prepared to father a child with some random stranger if the price is right?

Fortunately most men are too responsible to father a child with some random off the internet they know nothing about.

Incidentally u should mention that my husband has donated his sperm for free via a clinic. We had our own fertility problems so he wanted to help other people. We're aware this may be a lesbian couple but we're cool with that. We know that our children and theirs will be properly legally protected.

But he would never ever contemplate for a moment going out and giving his sperm away on the net. He cares to much about the health and welfare of any future child to do that.

On a side note, Velvet I love you.
And I don't think you should NC after this. I want to look out for more of your well written comments (no pressure).