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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be incredibly pissed off at male sperm donors..

172 replies

LexiVexiBear · 19/09/2014 19:31

Who only offer their 'services' if it's through natural insemination (I.e having sex with the woman) or the woman performing a sex act on them! Angry

I more than likely am but just need a rant! Angry A dear friend of mine and her girlfriend have decided that they would like nothing more than to start a family but since they cannot afford IVF they have went down the route of sperm donation and artificial insemination. The thing is most of the 'donors' they have found that are in the same location (or close) and contacted more or less demand NI which really isn't an option for these two ladies!

I'm sorry I know people have preference and some women pick NI, nothing wrong with that as it can be more affective that artificial insemination but honestly in my opinion these men are completely sleazy and are preying on desperate women for sex! They claim to be offering their services because they want to help and make a difference yet they only want sex?!

Yes, there are numerous sperm donors but unless the women picks NI I don't think men like this should be allowed to take advantage of women or couples who are desperate for a baby! Angry

OP posts:
naty1 · 19/09/2014 22:27

Its not the same as a new boyfriend.
They have an interest in not lying about stuff as they want a relationship.
A one night stand surely you would use protection
They would be doing this multiple times multiple women.
Very high risk.
Surely also any behaviour since the blood tests would also make a difference.

PeachyParisian · 19/09/2014 22:31

I don't think it's really fair to say that if they can't afford to go the clinic route then they shouldn't be having a baby, heterosexual couples don't have to factor the cost of getting pregnant in when they decide if they can afford a DC, unless they need IVF etc.

Although I do question how desperately somebody wants a child if they are not willing to wait and save. Surely NI without an std screening is putting the unborn child at risk!

velvetcloakofsilence · 19/09/2014 22:31

Well, strangely enough lesbians don't always want to walk into a pub and pick up a complete random on the off chance he will want to have sex.

In my/our case I spoke to a man on a sperm donor website who 'agreed' to do AI. He then suggested the 'natural' route. I said no, for month one. It didn't work. In month 2 I did it the 'natural' way; it worked.

He was a bit of a knob but did have STI tests available - suppose if you're mainly sleeping with lesbians/single women you aren't high risk.

combust22 · 19/09/2014 22:33

No they don't but £500 is a drop in the ocean compared to what it costs to raise a child.

velvetcloakofsilence · 19/09/2014 22:34

Peachy, it's hard to explain but one point is that it isn't just time as in 'actual' costs. Clinics involve appointments as well - petrol, parking, time away from work. It really does add up.

You also don't get an awful lot of info on the sperm donor when on the forums you actually see, literally, what you're getting for good or ill.

£500 is a lot when you have to save for maternity leave, a pram, crib, and so on on top of everything else.

Wanting a baby, a family, can make people very illogical.

PersonOfInterest · 19/09/2014 22:36

I'm sure they don't velvet! But it sounds like an option If you don't want to pay for a donor.

Of course you dont get the STI tests but I can accept that the cost and inconvenience of these is going to come at a price.

velvetcloakofsilence · 19/09/2014 22:43

The fact is, if someone wants a child they can have that child any way they like.

I am not saying people can't be Hmm about it. They can. But, it's daft to get all 'well why don't they go to the pub' - because they don't want to.

Now I did not pay my donor. But I was a consenting adult and slept with another consenting adult of my own free will to conceive a child. This enabled me to save money to spend on the child in his/her best interests and it meant in the future when child said 'who is my dad' I would have had a name, photo, info. Not a catalogue no and hair colour.

Approve, disapprove, fine, but please quit it with the stupid questions and accept some people do things you would not personally do and it doesn't mean they should just open their legs to anybody.

Upandatem · 19/09/2014 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ColgateSmile · 19/09/2014 22:46

Interesting thread, it does seem like a high risk way to go about conceiving.

One thing that drives me crazy is when people start talking about donor conceived babies as 'gifts' (not specifically on this thread but in conversation it usually gets thrown in at some point). No they are not gifts, they are babies that will grow up to be adults... Adults who will most likely want to know who both of their biological parents are.

I guess what concerns me with private arrangements is that there is the potential for anonymous donation (since the law changed on sperm donor anonymity a few years back - hurrah!), leaving the donor conceived person with little or no way of finding out who their biological father is.

PeachyParisian · 19/09/2014 22:49

I completely understand how £500 is a lot of money, especially when it makes the difference between being able to afford having a child and not but it's not just the sperm that's being paid for. The peace of mind and checks etc would be higher on my list than a nice pram and crib. Babies can survive without a pram but HIV is another matter altogether.
Even with std test certificates there would be no guarantee that they hadn't been infected the same day/week.. It is really unfair that anyone should have to factor this cost in but long term, but from a safety perspective it seems worth the price.

velvetcloakofsilence · 19/09/2014 22:50

Colgate, that's just as true of women who may go out to the pub in search of sex to cite an earlier example.

I can only speak for myself, but in my case, the reason I didn't go to a clinic was because of the opposite reason to your post. It felt far 'nicer' to have a name, picture and some relevant info to go with my child's father. Meeting him beforehand did make me feel like we had a relationship albeit a tenuous one.

I think many children are seen as gifts regardless of the circumstances of their conception.

Sicaq · 19/09/2014 22:51

Not sure why so many people are asking if they can really afford this child. Would you ask a woman who decided to start a family "naturally" the same question?

velvetcloakofsilence · 19/09/2014 22:53

Peachy my point wasn't that people want a designer pram.

It's so easy to blithely say 'oh £500 that's nothing,' but what if you needed several attempts? Suddenly it's not £500 but thousands.

It isn't £500 anyway. It's more like £1000 on top of the sperm which is generally in the region of £300. With travel costs and so on you're looking at £1500. Which would leave me, personally, with £500 a month to live on.

Don't try to make out it's about a "nice pram." Don't even go there.

Upandatem · 19/09/2014 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

juneybean · 19/09/2014 22:57

Men who insist on natural should live in fear of being chased by the child support agency.

juneybean · 19/09/2014 23:02

and as previous posters have said going through a clinic is not cheap it can amount to 1500 a go just for iui and it's not guaranteed to work first time. success rates are between 15-20%

ridiculous to say if a person can't afford a clinic they can't afford children I didn't realise children came out of the womb demanding thousands of pounds right there and then. What a stupid thing to say.

OraProNobis · 19/09/2014 23:03

Velvet I won't judge you. You sound very together to me and free of airy fairy unattainable hypothetical bollocks. I bet you're a great mum too.

NetballHoop · 19/09/2014 23:09

I must lead a very sheltered life. I had absolutely no idea that such a thing existed.

The risks of STIs or worse seem so high and I can't get past the idea of it being sleazy.

I'm on the organ donor list and (though we haven't ever discussed it) would be fine with DH being a sperm donor but no way would he ever be allowed to donate while having sex.

Cranfieldmc · 19/09/2014 23:09

I think the costs of a clinic are worth paying/saving up for. I think both the men and the women are irresponsible not going through a clinic where there is a legal framework to define the legal father of the child. Thinking about it from the child's perspective if their mother meets someone through the internet there will be no official records kept, no way of knowing if a partner you meet is your genetic half sibling, no way of contacting their genetic half siblings other than through the goodwill of a man who thinks it's appropriate to sell his bodily fluids. I don't call this sperm donation, rather irresponsible shagging.

PeachyParisian · 19/09/2014 23:10

I'm not alluding to the fact anyone would prefer to spend money on a nice pram rather than AI, rather that making sure the sperm is safe takes any priority over baby bits.
I don't think you can put a price on safety, especially when it comes to STDs and it's not fair that this isn't a consideration for many hetero couples.

It's not about being able to afford having a child but whether they can afford to get pregnant safely without involving a dodgy doner from a forum.

PeachyParisian · 19/09/2014 23:12

What I meant was, many couples don't have to think about this aspect when TTC but that safety, and legal protection is very important and if you have got to find sperm outside of the relationship then you should do so responsibly not the way that is cheapest out of desperation for a child.

velvetcloakofsilence · 19/09/2014 23:13

I'm not a mum, but thanks Grin

Fact is, people do stuff you wouldn't do. People do stuff you might do, but have never had to do. Either way, it doesn't make them vulnerable little creatures who need protecting from nasty men. They can say 'ew, do one, knob' or ' ok, let's talk.'

For me, it was a question of seeing a photo, seeing STI checks and seeing a pic of his passport so I knew he was who he said he was - all via email. He asked for a few details about my life. Then we met when I was ovulating. AI and no baby,next month, we had sex and I got pregnant.

Very straightforward compared to clinics. And cheap.

Yes, his STI check might have been wrong at the time of going to press but the same is true of anybody having unprotected sex. You just have to have a wee bit of trust at times. That is the ONLY time I've had sex without a condom - meant my due date was bang on - so all in all very low risk. Not no risk. But nothing is.

Am I saying everyone should do it - no. Am I saying it is an option - yep. An option for people to ignore or for people to use. But for gods sake quit with the comments that sound like they are from a secondary school playground or disgusted of tunbridge wells. People have sex and people have babies. Or not in my case. Get the frig over it.

velvetcloakofsilence · 19/09/2014 23:19

Peachy, people have unprotected sex to have babies in most cases.

In most heterosexual relationships, the difference is trust of each other. After all, the man could be having sex with any random but you trust he is not.

Ultimately it is up to people what they do. There are many reasons for not wanting to use a clinic. Lesbian friends of mine couldn't as their BMI was too high. Were talking a couple of stone overweight, BTW, not needing two airplane seats! Then many want their child to know who their father was - I was one of these. Then cost comes into it (two more lesbian friends spent £28,000 to get their DS; do you have £28,000 knocking around? I don't) but as well as cost there's control, privacy, personal choice, you know ? For instance clinics want you there bang on ovulation but I wanted a couple of days before as I'd read that was more effective. Little things like that, matter a lot when TTC.

Sometimes it's just nice to feel 'normal.'

PeachyParisian · 19/09/2014 23:20

I don't understand how you can trust the motives of a man who wants to donate sperm outside of a clinic environment, AI or otherwise.
I'm sure there are men who just want to help couples conceive but it's easier to trust a long term partner re:stds than an internet random.

It's obviously worked for some but shouldn't be recommended if it isn't safe.

naty1 · 19/09/2014 23:24

I dont call that low risk, though.
For him, very, but for you not so much.
Which is your choice.
It would depend on how many women he is having unprotected sex with at the same time.
Just because 1 aspect of his life is this doesnt mean he doesnt have unprotected sex with prostitutes too.
I guess im doubting the character of a man who would do this.
A benevolent gesture would be handing it over with no strings. Or only charging.
It just seems like bullying unless they are upfront in the advert