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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be incredibly pissed off at male sperm donors..

172 replies

LexiVexiBear · 19/09/2014 19:31

Who only offer their 'services' if it's through natural insemination (I.e having sex with the woman) or the woman performing a sex act on them! Angry

I more than likely am but just need a rant! Angry A dear friend of mine and her girlfriend have decided that they would like nothing more than to start a family but since they cannot afford IVF they have went down the route of sperm donation and artificial insemination. The thing is most of the 'donors' they have found that are in the same location (or close) and contacted more or less demand NI which really isn't an option for these two ladies!

I'm sorry I know people have preference and some women pick NI, nothing wrong with that as it can be more affective that artificial insemination but honestly in my opinion these men are completely sleazy and are preying on desperate women for sex! They claim to be offering their services because they want to help and make a difference yet they only want sex?!

Yes, there are numerous sperm donors but unless the women picks NI I don't think men like this should be allowed to take advantage of women or couples who are desperate for a baby! Angry

OP posts:
exWifebeginsat40 · 19/09/2014 20:16

Is this really a thing? Beyond hysterical Facebook forwards, I mean? It seems implausible, to say the least.

hormonalandneedingcheese · 19/09/2014 20:17

If they go the unofficial route OP, how can they be sure the donor is STD free?

brainfidget · 19/09/2014 20:20

If they can't afford IVF or the cheaper (but less effective) IUI, then I'd question whether they can afford a child at all, as the cost of IVF is a tiny fraction of what a child costs till age 18 / 21 / 25 / 30.

If they want a child that badly, they should save up and use a reputable clinic, where the proper STD and genetic health checks have been performed.

Their way sounds risky:
a) in terms of personal safety
b) in terms of sexual health
c) in terms of genetic and general health of any resulting child.

Bulbasaur · 19/09/2014 20:26

I don't feel even a little bit sorry for the men that are later slapped with a child support order. It's happened over here in the US a few times. Sperm donors impregnate lesbian couples under the table, and then have to help pay for the baby even though they were only a "sperm donor".

Anyway, I'm not sure how these men make money. It's really not hard for a woman to get free unprotected sex.

combust22 · 19/09/2014 20:27

I agree with brain fidgit- if it is too expensive to have a donor through a legitimate source how will the parents afford a child?

Original poster
LexiVexiBear · 19/09/2014 20:31

It's the darker side of sperm donation. With some women who don't have the money to go through the clinics like my friends ( since clinic prices can vary from £500 to £1,000 for each cycle of treatment) they are left with finding donor sperm and doing it themselves yet some of these men see that and prey on it IMHO! Sperm donation sites are full of AI ads but just as many (if not more NI) ads.

The only guarantee these women have about STD's is the men's claim or if they both get tested before the NI, which like done other posters have said can be more than once so that it is 'effective' Angry

Sperm donor sites like pride angel have a few ads claiming NI only so yes it is in fact a very real thing, probably because it is unofficial and these men know they can get away with it.

OP posts:
naty1 · 19/09/2014 20:32

I dont think ivf would be much more successful 20% per embryo so up to 60% per cycle.
I would suggest doing ivf on women who have no medical need is unethical due to risks involved but also inflates the clinics ivf stats. As there is no cause of infertilty on either side.

5-6k is a bit expensive if the clinic cant say a turkey baster wouldnt be as / more effective.

And anyway ivf is not more effective as you could do multiple iuis (rapidly too) whereas it could take a while to do 2 ivfs (6m maybe)
I can see why couples who have been trying for 2 yrs iui might add nothing if there is no sperm issue but certainly in the case of gay couples then they wouldnt know if they would get pg first try. Also if time is not an issue you would start with the least intervention and build up as im sure that would give the highest overall chance.
(I would have had an extra maybe 40% chance of pg if we could have done iui first)

softlysoftly · 19/09/2014 20:39

If they can't afford £500 at the outset to do it legitimately for their child how will they support one?

ILovePud · 19/09/2014 20:39

Ugggh horrible sleaze balls taking advantage of people desperate to have a baby. Apart from the potential STI issues who would want the father of their baby to be someone who would set these kind of conditions on what should be an altruistic act.

Goalie · 19/09/2014 20:43

Sadly this does happen, and I'm speaking as someone in a civil partnership who used an unknown donor outside of any medical facility.

I now have two DS, conceived artificially via fresh sperm from a 'man on a website'. It worked well for us.. But it did take time to find the right donor on the right website.

Some of the websites are full of people offering NI only, some aren't.

I would advise your friend to search for other donor sites.

No-one should be 'forced' to go the clinic route if they don't want to. They aren't suffering from any form of infertility, they are suffering from lack of readily available sperm. Also, if they are in a civil partnership, as long as they don't actually have intercourse with the donor, then both women will both go on the birth certificate as parents - the donor will then have no legal rights over any offspring (and vice versa).

Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2014 20:45

I agree, that price is not all bad, considering its a safe legitimate method. Why don't women get a loan or save up to do it properly. If they cannot afford this, how are they going to afford a child, with all the expenses they entail! No I don't think I am being judgy, ok there is a risk of STI, AIDS, but how do you know how the man is like, they could be a potential sex offender for all you know.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2014 20:47

Goall that is a risk you take when you go down the unofficial route.

naty1 · 19/09/2014 20:48

I would be happy at only 500-1000 for treatment so much cheaper than ivf at 4-6k
Its not so much can you afford the child though as could take lots of goes.

Wouldnt it be free nhs anyway??

OddFodd · 19/09/2014 20:53

Would you really want your child to have a man who insisted on NI as a father? It's worse than having a ONS because then presumably you actually find the man attractive.

Male sperm donors get paid very little by clinics so this is just very sleazy. :(

mumof2wonderfulboys · 19/09/2014 21:49

I have 2 sons, both are conceived through private donor, my donor came from FSDW who insist on AI only (I actually used NI, that was my choice not his!) There are plenty of sites out there and some are really seedy (tadpoleforum has some really weird ones!) My donor gave me his real name, I'm now friends with him on Facebook and he is happy to be known. He was paid for his petrol money only and is a married man with children of his own. It is illegal to pay anything other than expenses. Of course there are risks, but how many women insist on an STI check when they meet a new boyfriend?

softlysoftly · 19/09/2014 21:52

mum do you mean you actually had sex with this man?

ILovePud · 19/09/2014 21:52

Wow mumof2wonderfulboys, your donor must have a very accommodating wife or dis she not know the full arrangements?

MoreBeta · 19/09/2014 22:00

This sounds appalling. I am a man and was asked to be a donor by the clinic after DW had IVF. I decided against as the law at the time was uncertain about the status of donor fathers.

This really sounds an awful way to conceive and these men really are manipulating desperate women.

Daddypigsgusset · 19/09/2014 22:03

So what happens then? You have a proper good session with the fella? Or does he wank for his life and then put it in you on his vinegar stroke? Or jizz in a flask and syphon it in? Honestly I'd love to know in a non Pervy way

Greengrow · 19/09/2014 22:11

If both sides agree it's fine. It's more natural.

KnackeredMuchly · 19/09/2014 22:18

There are perverts and chancers trying to get a leg over using every available method. I'd be astonished if it ever worked, even once. Who would fall for it?

I also agree that £500 seems reasonable and affordable to pay if you want to be parents.

Don't plan for a baby if you're broke with no emergency funds.

velvetcloakofsilence · 19/09/2014 22:24

Under the cloak of anonymity I will confess to having done this myself last year.

Clinics are extremely expensive and time consuming compared to a night in a Travelodge.

DawnInOnMe · 19/09/2014 22:24

Seriously?? People can't understand how a couple couldn't afford IVF but could afford a baby? IVF if approx 5k to start with (plus 1500 for sperm donor), you'd get maybe 6 embryos out of that? that's 6.5k assuming the first cycle works!

velvetcloakofsilence · 19/09/2014 22:25

Lovely, daddy.

You have sex.

You know, like you probably did to have your DCs, but since I'm not a rude arsehole I won't ask you about your partners masturbation beforehand.

PersonOfInterest · 19/09/2014 22:26

£500 doesn't sound bad to avoid STD's, sex with a stranger and having the child of a creep.

Otherwise couldn't they just go a pick up in a pub (for free)?

How can they afford a child if they can't afford £500?